How did I make it this far? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

martavee · 02-08-2007, 02:56 PM

The first time I noticed I was significantly 'different' was when I was 14 or 15. After running medical tests we saw that I had too much adrenaline - aside from that I was as healthy as a horse (and this includes an MRI for possible adrenal tumours). My doctor then diagnosed me with having general anxiety disorder and that the adrenaline must be a by-product for how 'hyped up' and anxious I was. I would get very little sleep and often go one night a week without sleeping. I had moments of intense creativity, just writing away. I always complained about how I would get too many 'great' thoughts at the same time that I couldn't write fast enough. I'd do many high risk things, but never acted too crazy. I would be very sociable. Then as time went on I was the complete opposite. Very sluggish, not sociable at all ... One time I was convinced that I must have mono or something. Doctor diagnosed me with depression (this was around age 18). I have been on and off different SSRIs since that first diagnosis at 14/15. Sometimes I felt like they worked but most of the time I felt that they made my symptoms more extreme. Around age 22 I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I couldn't even function enough to go to the store. I felt numb/void. Psychiatrist thought that perhaps I had PTSD due to an abusive relationship that had ended a year before that I never really acknowledged. Was put on Effexor with xanax. Once the xanax prescription ran out I noticed the Effexor again was having side effects I didn't like. So I stopped taking it. All my life i've been plagued on and off by substance abuse, risky behaviour, sleeping pill abuse - this would occur in my extremely active phases usually. I've been able to hide it from being very successful in school and the fact that I've lived on my own since I was 18. I've been able to hide my 'weirdness' and black/white behaviour from my family because I was ashamed.

I just moved over to the UK for law school in September. I had been having weird mood swings the year following up to that move. I didn't have insurance anymore so I didn't want to burden my parents with a psychiatrist bill. Somehow I was able to cope. Usually I do this by becoming obsessed/fixated on something. Once it was the idea of getting a parrot. Once it was my appearance/weight after people pointed out to me that at times I either have no appetite or the appetite of a linebacker. This December I finally realized how much this was affecting all aspects of my life. Irrational thoughts, unable to relate to people (I haven't been able to follow a conversation for a while now, I kind of glaze over), couldn't even concentrate on a stupid television program or tabloid magazine article, let alone concentrate on law lectures and hundreds of cases! Went to the doctor here to start anxiety medicine again. Had a HORRIBLE reaction. Delusions, weird mania where I had to keep moving (yet still no concentration), extreme anxiety. Walking walking walking. One day I was extremely tired and couldn't wake up, the next day I couldn't sleep to save my life. Stuck it out for a few weeks and had a bit of a breakdown again. Felt like my life was about to end. Uncontrollable shaking, crying, rocking back and forth. Switched over to another SSRI. Hasn't been as bad as that first one, but it's been rough. After blood work for thyroid problems, etc. i'm finally on referal for a psychiatrist. I've suspected that I may have bipolar disorder type II for a while. At first I ruled it out because I knew someone that was bipolar type I with extreme mania. But then I met someone that was bipolar II and very much like me. After this second incident though, looking back at my history and doing some research I feel kind of relieved to finally be on the right track of reclaiming my life. This would explain my adverse reaction to certain SSRIs too. My school has been very understanding in allowing me intermittent leave. I'm nervous about my student visa though and some of my family members that are very anti-medication/anti-psychiatry. "Just stop thinking like that." Uhm, it's not like I enjoy the fact that my life has been disrupted, that I've lost countless friends due to my hermit phases and put my life at extreme risk. My GP has me sticking to the SSRI for six weeks while i'm waiting for the psychiatrist appointment. I just want to get my life back on track. I hate how I feel.

goody2shuz · 02-08-2007, 04:07 PM

Hi, Welcome

I think that you should definitely pursue having a thorough evaluation with a board certified psychiatrist who is the only one who can truly diagnose Bipolar Disorder. From what you describe there is definitely some characteristics of the disorder along with some anxiety which can coexist...the important thing is seeking out the help you need based upon how you are feeling. My experience comes from having my 15 year old daughter recently diagnosed. She started at around the age of 12 with self harming which progressed to symptoms of depression and increased self harm, severe irritability and agitation which after put on SSRI's Zoloft in particular, her displaying more ***arre behaviors which included running away, much more irritability and anger, shoplifting, having sex with a boy she barely knew and participating in impulsive behaviors that left her in trouble and eventually to a 2nd suicide attempt. So my advice is to very careful when on the antidepressants since they can trigger more mania followed by suicidal thoughts.

You are your own advocate when it comes to your health whether it be physical or mental. Do not worry about your families reactions to things....go with your gut and do not be afraid to look into finding out for sure what it is that you are experiencing. If you do have Bipolar with the right meds you will feel so much better. And you will be glad that you got the help that you needed.

There are alot of people here who will offer you tons of support and advice but the only way you will know if you have Bipolar is to have a psychiatrist evaluate you.

Hope that you get the answers that you are looking for. When is your appointment with the psychiatrist??? Please keep us posted with how things go.

~ Goody

martavee · 02-09-2007, 05:15 PM

Thanks so much for the support.

I don't know when the appointment is with the psychiatrist- here in the UK things are a lot different than when I lived in the US. I have private insurance, but they don't cover 'mental illness'. So I'm on a referral waiting list with the NHS (government healthcare, which on the plus side is free). They call me when there is an opening

I do have a regular check up with my general practitioner this Tuesday - have been seeing them every week or every other week for the past month to keep track of me on the Zoloft generic considering it's made me worse. I also see a counselor every Friday. I'll be asking the doctor on Tuesday how long the wait is (generally) for a psychiatrist and will find out about the private psychiatrists. Private will be faster, but I'll have to pay. If the NHS wait is too long then I think the initial one time fee will be worth it just to get the official diagnosis and meds started. I pretty much can't function at the moment. It seems to get more extreme as I get older. For the time being I'm just trying to remain as safe/sane as possible considering I know how I can get and how I currently feel. It's a big struggle, quite exhausting and discouraging at times. Life is pretty **** (pardon my french) at the moment but I do know that this will pass. Things can always be worse.

Even with how depressed I can get I would never take my life. I have two ferrets which I bought four years ago to help me be accountable- to make sure that I don't disappear for too long, if that makes sense. I brought them over to the UK with me- crazy, I know, but I've always referred to them as my safety jacket. Knowing that if I were to be gone that they would be gone too makes me stay somewhat grounded with reality. Also, a close family friend killed himself when I was quite young so I was able to see how suicide affects/ruins the lives of so many. That's something that no one deserves.

I wish you the best of luck with your daughter. I've made quite a few poor decisions in my past too. Hopefully she'll reach a point in time where she realizes she can't keep acting like that. I think having big ambitions and goals in life does help in wanting to set yourself straight. It also helps to see how others end up that refuse to address the situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by goody2shuz

Hi, Welcome

I think that you should definitely pursue having a thorough evaluation with a board certified psychiatrist who is the only one who can truly diagnose Bipolar Disorder. From what you describe there is definitely some characteristics of the disorder along with some anxiety which can coexist...the important thing is seeking out the help you need based upon how you are feeling. My experience comes from having my 15 year old daughter recently diagnosed. She started at around the age of 12 with self harming which progressed to symptoms of depression and increased self harm, severe irritability and agitation which after put on SSRI's Zoloft in particular, her displaying more ***arre behaviors which included running away, much more irritability and anger, shoplifting, having sex with a boy she barely knew and participating in impulsive behaviors that left her in trouble and eventually to a 2nd suicide attempt. So my advice is to very careful when on the antidepressants since they can trigger more mania followed by suicidal thoughts.

You are your own advocate when it comes to your health whether it be physical or mental. Do not worry about your families reactions to things....go with your gut and do not be afraid to look into finding out for sure what it is that you are experiencing. If you do have Bipolar with the right meds you will feel so much better. And you will be glad that you got the help that you needed.

There are alot of people here who will offer you tons of support and advice but the only way you will know if you have Bipolar is to have a psychiatrist evaluate you.

Hope that you get the answers that you are looking for. When is your appointment with the psychiatrist??? Please keep us posted with how things go.

~ Goody