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Old 02-12-2007, 03:30 PM   #1
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fight4myfamily HB User
Please help me...

I am so lost I can hardly find the words to explain my situation to you.

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar and ADD last week during his first appointment with a psych. We knew something was very wrong but did not know what it was. I am afraid that is has been left too long undiagnised and unmedicated for our marraige to survive.

His lies and anger and hatred and general disdain towards me over the years has left me broken. I am deeply depressed myself but have no unhappiness in my life other than him - I feel like i need to medicate myself just to be able to cope with his illness and that seems crazy to me. He is sick and he is making me sick and I am slowly losing the fight.

We have six children and the youngest is a new born. having such a large family makes it so difficult for me to find the strength to leave him and make a life for myself and my children.

My question is this: does it ever get better? If my husband continues with the psych and starts medication will things change for the better? Is there any hope at all?

Deep down, I know he loves me but he hates on me so often that I am really struggling to see the good in him. Now that he is seeking out help is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is this just the beggining of a new rollercoaster?

Any advice from your past experience would be so gratefully appreciated, I have never felt so alone.

Thanks

 
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Old 02-12-2007, 04:06 PM   #2
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marshmallow HB User
Re: Please help me...

The words you wrote about how you feel are very common to how I have felt with my husband. He is not medicated so you have some hope that things can get better IF he goes on meds and sees a pdoc. I feel for you because I know this has to be devastating to you especially with children. We do not have any so that makes it less complicated but I still separated from him due to abuse and violence. I hope that you husband will take the meds required and that things can change for you. I feel broken too. You have such a heavy load with all those children and finding out your husband has bp. I wish you the very best and dont give up hope if he takes med see what happens.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 04:25 PM   #3
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Kymberlee HB User
Re: Please help me...

Fight4myfamily, Welcome to the boards! I think you'll be happy that you found this support--it really helps to vent and get out your feelings. All of the people here are very helpful and caring. It also helps to read about others who are in the same boat as you. Remember that you are NEVER alone in this illness. I have to agree with Marshmallow. IF your husband is willing to take meds. & do what he needs to do to get better you have hope for a future together. My husband is either BP or depressed. He has some of the same behaviors that have been described here and in the depression board. I'm not allowed to go with him to see his PDOC because he sayes it's none of my business and it's ALL about HIM. We have been going to marriage counseling now for about 1 month, which has helped--somewhat. His PDOC just took him off his Effexor and wanted him to try Lamicidal. My DH has refused to try the new meds.--he thinks things are just 'great'. Anyway, I am glad that he's still willing to go to the counseling. I'm just taking one day @ a time. Sometimes that's all any of us can do. I've also been going to counseling for myself for years on & off and I cannot tell you how much this has helped me! Anyway, I admire you & my hat is off to you for having six children!!! God Bless You!!! I have one child and think I'm busy at times!!! LOL Please feel free to come here often and vent whenever you feel the need. Don't give up hope! Kym.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 04:31 PM   #4
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Re: Please help me...

Thanks so much girls for taking the time to reply to me.

I have been reading through some old threads this morning and I can't tell youhow much of a relief it is to see that I am not alone, I really thought I was going crazy.

Thanks again for the support.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 04:51 PM   #5
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marshmallow HB User
Re: Please help me...

You probably are going crazy. Ops just a bit of humor here to lighten the mood. Seriously, there are many that can relate to how you feel. I still have a hard time voicing my opinion because I was always wrong when I did. Everything seemed to be my fault. Keep posting and we will keep listening.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 06:09 PM   #6
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4support HB User
Re: Please help me...

Hi fight4myfamily:

I was you a few months ago when I first started posting on this board, and I understand completely what you are going through and feeling. I know it feels helpless and that your whole life that you have worked so hard for is falling apart around you. I have been married for over 10 yrs to my husband who was diagnosed as Bipolar/ADD/Sleep Apnea almost 3 yrs ago, around the time I was expecting our second child. We have 2 beautiful young children who are also the lights of my life. I do understand the pain you feel as a nonBP spouse when there are children involved. I also did not want anything to happen to my little family but knew that something had to change. My husband had always been moody and had significant ups/downs, but there was a drastic change in his behaviour around 4 yrs ago and I knew something was very wrong. (maybe you would like to view some of my other posts...) Long story short, after a year of him acting totally out of control, not sleeping, being completely angry/mean/irritable/argumentative I finally convinced him to see a counselor, where he tried to blame everything on me. I really love my husband but I knew that if he continued on like that, there was no way I could stay with him and subject myself and our children to his mood swings and anger. He was quickly sent to a pdoc for an evaluation, and diagnosed shortly thereafter.

In comes the mood stabilizer. I feel it saved our marriage. Within 4-6 weeks my husband moods were leveled out and he was more "the man I married". There was a significant difference, although still not perfect, but much better. Of course the whole time he was taking the meds, he still insisted that there was nothing wrong with him and continues to be wishy washy about his diagnosis to this day (4 pdocs and a counselor later....) He has gone to therapy on/off on occasion, but never consistently, which he was advised to do to work on the issues within himself that no one else can help him with. Are things better than they were? Yes, but not 100%. It is manageable some of the time, but he still cycles and has moods/hyperactivity/anger and says hurtful and irrational things on occasion. Now, we are looking for yet another pdoc for him (he didn't like the last 2), and I am suspecting he needs a med adjustment again. It is my understanding that this can be an ongoing process for a while, not easy and to me, a little scary too.

I, like you, do not want anything to happen to break our family apart. I love my husband and feel I have been more than patient, encouraging, supportive, etc...at this point, I am still trying to see him as someone who is at least trying to get the illness under control, and he is medicated. I know he loves us, but again it is hard to believe at times when he is ranting on and on and saying such mean and critical things to me. What I struggle with the most is shielding or protecting my young children from this. I absolutely do not want them to model their behaviour after their father. How do you deal with this with 6 angels in your home? I worry about my husband's unpredictable moods, and the confusion and chaos it creates in our home. I worry about him disrespecting me and saying hostile things to me in front of them. I talk to them about their father having a 'problem' and that his behaviour is not acceptable and I do not expect them to act that way. I don't know how else to communicate this type of a thing with them until they are older (they are 2.5 and 5.5).

You mentioned that your husband was just diagnosed recently. I remember that time all too well. It was still stressful and there was a lot of DENIAL going on. Has your husband accepted that he has this illness? Is he in denial? Will he take meds and see a therapist? From my own personal experience and everything else I've read on this post, it seems that medication and therapy is definetely needed to be able to manage this disorder, or the behaviour will simply continue.

You would be surprised how much meds can help once he is on the right ones. I know you are wondering if your union can be saved at this point. You have your children to think about and I can see an argument either way to protect them. However, see if your hubbie will take meds first and try to hang in there until you see if this makes a difference. How much does he want his marriage/family to stay together?

No matter how you look at it, this is not easy. I am here to talk with you, give you what insight I have, and we can support eachother! There are many other people on this board who can help as well. Just remember that you are NOT alone, but believe me I have felt that way as well. Most of my family lives overseas and I have no close family support.

Take good care.
4support

 
Old 02-12-2007, 10:37 PM   #7
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fight4myfamily HB User
Re: Please help me...

Thankyou so so much, I am typing through tears of relief.

I don't know whether to be thankful that I am not alone or miserable that others have to deal with this @#$#@ too!

As far as meds and doctors are concerned it is only early days for us. My hubby knows that he needs help but still easily slips back into thinking it is everyone elses fault but his. Seeing a doc is a huge step and I am pretty impressed with her and how she is treating him, I really hope this will be the turning point - fingers crossed.

Thanks for sharing your story with me, I know practically nothing about bipolar and I know I have a lot to learn and I appreciate you taking the time to offer your support.

I have made an appointment with the psych myself because I know I need help also, his anger and negativity and cruel comments have dug down so deep that he has all but convinced me that I am totally useless.

I know exactly what you mean about trying to protect the children, it is an extremely hard thing to do and no matter how hard you try it will still have a negative effect on them. My eldest two are starting to become overly protective of me and this makes it obvious how much they are suffering and how much they do see. Poor little things didn't ask for any of this, but then I guess neither did our hubby's or us huh.

I am still trying to wrap my head around this being an illness and not his fault, or my fault, there has been so much blame thrown around that nothing much makes sense anymore.

Anyway, I am rambling again so I think I will leave it at that. Thanks again for making me feel welcome and offering your support, it really does mean the world to me.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 11:10 PM   #8
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MSLAINIE HB User
Re: Please help me...

Hi Fight4myfamily,
Its Been 9 Years Since I Have Been With My Ex. We Have 2 Kids, I Have Been On My Own With Mike 16 And Tini 13. My Ex Does Not And Will Never Admit He Has Bipolar. He Been In Jail Long Time. But Anyway When My Son At 13 And The Bipolar Started To Surface I Had No Clue. I Thought My Ex Was On Heavey Drugs So I Thought All The Bad Was From That. But I Learned Seeing My Son Doing The Same Things It Is From His Illness. So Anyway My Son After 3 Long Years Is Ok On Meds For Bipolar. Depakote And Abilify. It Took 6-8 Psy Doc's And Alot Of Combo Of Meds. He Was In Hospital Many Times And Very Phyiscal With Me And My Daughter. I Actually Resigned From Work Last Year And Have Been Home. He Is So Much Better Now And Does See When He Is Depressed Or Scared Now.
My Daughter 13 Is Adhd And Now She Is Driving Me Nuts. She Is Very Mean And Blames Me And My Son.
But I Am Ok Thought All Madness And Even Know I Feel Crazy. I Can Do This And You Can Too. There Are No Easy Answers But Try Getting Help For You And Kids Like, My Son Sees Him Docs And My Daughter Sees Her Own. We Did Do Family Counciling For While In Our House And Many That Can Work For You And Kids And Maybe Hubby Only If He Wants Too.
Good Luck.
Mslainie

 
Old 02-13-2007, 01:55 AM   #9
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fight4myfamily HB User
Re: Please help me...

Hi MsLainie,

thanks for your reply and I am sorry to read about your ex and your son and the effect it has had on your family, it is a very sad story.

I understand what you are saying about getting help for myself and the kiddies too and i plan on doing exactly that. The stronger I get the more able I will be to make the right decisions for all of us.

I have been reading a lot more of the threads here and it is eye opening to say the least. There is so much pain and heartache on this board but a lot of kindness, understanding and support too and I am very glad to have stumbled across it.

Thanks again for your reply.

 
Old 02-13-2007, 04:29 AM   #10
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twoeyez HB Usertwoeyez HB User
Re: Please help me...

[QUOTE=fight4myfamily;2796281]

....."My question is this: does it ever get better? If my husband continues with the psych and starts medication will things change for the better? Is there any hope at all?

Deep down, I know he loves me but he hates on me so often that I am really struggling to see the good in him. Now that he is seeking out help is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is this just the beggining of a new rollercoaster?"

Yes BPD can be controled....I was Dx 37 years ago and after 5 episodes hit "rock bottom". With the support of my wife,consistancy with proper medication,and tharapy for the both of us;I have been stable for the past 23 years.

Please read my resent Thread : "Re: The Eyes and The Used & Abused have something to say". You will learn more about where I come from with BPD. And where U&A comes from.

I will welcome you to that Tread. "Eyes" can see the light at end or the tunnel for you

Eyes

 
Old 02-13-2007, 05:10 AM   #11
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BabyLove8 HB User
Re: Please help me...

Quote:
Originally Posted by fight4myfamily View Post
I am so lost I can hardly find the words to explain my situation to you.

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar and ADD last week during his first appointment with a psych. We knew something was very wrong but did not know what it was. I am afraid that is has been left too long undiagnised and unmedicated for our marraige to survive.

His lies and anger and hatred and general disdain towards me over the years has left me broken. I am deeply depressed myself but have no unhappiness in my life other than him - I feel like i need to medicate myself just to be able to cope with his illness and that seems crazy to me. He is sick and he is making me sick and I am slowly losing the fight.

We have six children and the youngest is a new born. having such a large family makes it so difficult for me to find the strength to leave him and make a life for myself and my children.

My question is this: does it ever get better? If my husband continues with the psych and starts medication will things change for the better? Is there any hope at all?

Deep down, I know he loves me but he hates on me so often that I am really struggling to see the good in him. Now that he is seeking out help is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is this just the beggining of a new rollercoaster?

Any advice from your past experience would be so gratefully appreciated, I have never felt so alone.

Thanks
His meds should help him significantly. Without them I could see your despair. I'm almost positive you will see a big change in him after the proper medication is prescribed. Don't run! He is going through something that he can't control. Proper meds will help this situation.

 
Old 02-13-2007, 06:15 AM   #12
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Please help me...

Hi, Fight4myfamily A big welcome from Goody!!! I see that you have already gotten some wonderful advice here as this is the best forum filled with the best people who are always willing to go above and beyond to help another out. If it weren't for them I wouldn't have been able to have gotten through the most difficult days of my life during which my now 15 year old daughter was diagnosed, treated and on her way to stability.

If I could give you one piece or advice it would be to set definite expectations and boundaries for your husband. I would be totally honest with him in a neutral setting of course. Let him know what you have said here....that you have stood by him through the good times and bad (lots of bad) and in sickness and health, for better or worse etc. But tell him that your vows do not say to stick around if the other person is not doing their job to stay healthy, make for good times, and make things better if they are able to. Then you set up the conditions of sticking it out with him.

Tell him that you expect to be an active participant in his getting well meaning that he will allow you to have input at all his pdoc appointments. Many times somebody who is Bipolar does not see things properly in order to get the proper treatment. Part of the disorder will allow them to often distort what truly is going on and your perspective on things may help the pdoc in choosing the right meds that will work best for your husband. You do not want to place yourself in the position of being his mother (believe me it sounds as if you have enough on your plate in terms of that ).... but make it clear to him that he has a responsibility to make himself better so that he can give his family the best and if he is unable to do this he may very well lose you and his family and be left to battle through this all alone. Of course timing in saying all of this is so crucial.....my recommendation would be to do so after he is on a med that allows him to think more rationally and not distort what you are saying. It took some time for me to recognize when my daughter was open to hearing what I had to say always looking for that window of opportunity. The thing is, if he is not capable of hearing any of this the saying it will only be a BIG waste of time.

His responsibilities will be to go to his regular pdoc appointments, keep careful track of his moods and response to perscribed meds, and attend weekly therapy sessions with a therapist who comes highly recommended. The meds will only do so much, the rest will be up to him to work out on his own.

Ultimately it may take a good year or two to get things squared away and a lifetime of his compliance and dedication to wanting to work through this. In the beginning until he finds the meds making him feel better he will deny that anything is wrong, that is all part or it. But once he does feel better that is the time that he needs to recognize that he is Bipolar and learn all that he can about it so that he can help himself rise above it. The important thing to stress is that it is something that is treatable and that he will have to take his meds forever in order to remain stable. When he first starts the meds he will have some side effects which should lessen over time. He needs to give everything a fighting chance. Finding the right meds takes alot of patience and open communication with a pdoc who is willing to work aggressively with you and your husband in finding the right meds as quickly as possible. AND....he must go to therapy to work through not taking out his frustrations on the ones he loves....that is a given. He CAN learn coping skills as well as identify the triggers that lead to his frustration level going up. It will take some work on his part but he can do it if he has the right incentive. I have a feeling that keeping his wonderful family will be incentive enough.

Once your husband is properly medicated and working towards that you will need to spell out acceptable AND unacceptable behavior. You may wish to tell him the consequences of negative behavior....that you will first give a warning that will alert him that you are not going to accept his behavior such as a hand up. And that after that you will take the kids and yourself for an outing. If he continues you will bring your kids to a safe place for the night. And on his second offense he will have to leave for a given period of time that you feel you will need while he works things out with his therapist (establishing a place for him to go will be important and you may need to enlist the support of his parents, friend or other family member to take him in if need be). Make it clear that if it gets to a third offense you will take matters to that of a legal separation. I advise that you come up with this plan only when he is properly medicated that way he will have the responsibility to work on remaining stable and putting the effort on finding alternative coping mechanisms other than yelling at you or the kids.

Finally, offer your husband some hope. That is what I find works the best for my daughter....she really doesn't want to say or do the things that she does to me it is the disorder but she must come to the realization that she will be held accountable for her behavior just like anybody else....that she must make ammends. Tell your husband that you are reading and learning about Bipolar and that it is a treatable condition. That you will support him in finding the right meds but in the end he will be responsible for taking them and doing everything that he can to make himself better for you and the kids. And that so long as he is doing this you will stick it out with him but if he doesn't you will have to do what is best for you and the kids. Tell him that you believe that he wants to feel better and not let this disorder take away the things that are good in his life.

One thing I must say is that there will be nothing wrong with you supporting somebody you love through an illness....your kids will learn compassion and empathy when you do so even when they have seen your husband at his worst. The difference being, that when he accepts the help they will see him get better and thank you for doing that for their father, however, if he refuses the help then you must in the end do what is best for you and your kids knowing that they will understand that their mom only wants the best for them.

The decision is really yours....thing is, there is a chance that one of your 6 children may end up with this disorder since it is genetic and how you handle it with your husband may carve the path to how you will with your child as well. I would hate for you to give up now when in the future you may regret doing so.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May He guide you and bless you for all that you are doing to fight for your family.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-13-2007 at 06:31 AM.

 
Old 02-13-2007, 10:34 AM   #13
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Used&Abused HB User
Re: Please help me...

Hi fight4myfamily,

It amazes me when I keep coming back to this board reading story after story that seems like a flashback of my marriage of 8 years. It's almost like we could write each others posts. I have a soon to be ex-wife that has done most of what your husband has did. We filed for divorce in Nov-2006 for the 2nd time in 18 mnths. I finanly through my own therapy came to the logical conclusion I had to save myself and my 4 children from this tornado of destruction she was causing once and for all.

The main problem is that without the BP accepting full responsibilty and taking every step imaginable to control it there seems to be little hope. I always hate saying that but I would not even consider taking my wife back now even if she did. We as non-BP's don't have the luxury in life of "not feeling the pain" like they can after the manic episode. Rather than me ranting on for 10 paragraphs it would be better for you to read my 2 threads from the last 8 weeks. It will certainly let you know your not alone.

Here are the 2 addresses to those threads.

[url]www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=459149[/url]

[url]www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=454281[/url]

God Bless..............U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

 
Old 02-13-2007, 03:45 PM   #14
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fight4myfamily HB User
Re: Please help me...

Wow, thankyou! Your advice and support is invaluable.

Goody, you have given me a lot of food for thought and some specific things I can work on - especially discussing the boundaries thing, that makes a lot of sense and even if the boundaries don't work for him they will definately work for me later on down the track. If I can make these decisions for myself whilst I feel sane enough to make them they may be easier to stick to when most warranted.

I also agree 100% with what you wrote about the children. There really is a lot they can learn in this situation and in a good way. If their dad continues to seek help and we work together as a family there is a lot of positives for them in that. I also agree that if things go too far and I have to make the decision to leave that they will understand what I did for their best interests. Not sure if any of that made sense or not but it is clearer in my head and I thank you for that.

I feel much stronger than I did even a few days ago. I have become so used to his lies and his rages and his episodes that I had all but given up. Giving up on a loved one is the hardest thing i could imagine doing and I desperateley didnt want that. I feel hope for the first time in a very long time and even that small wondow of hope feels pretty darn good!

I am looking forward to the meds kicking in. For at least the past few months he has been on a binge of self destruction and even small changes would be more than welcomed right now. When I read on here about being stabalised even 70 - 80% of the time i get so excited because that would be 70 - 80% better than what I am living through now!

I have been slowly reading through your stories and it has been quite painful, I can only read a little at a time as it makes me so emotional. I guess that now hubby and I are finally facing the truth a lot of stuff will come to the surface and I am praying that this is a good thing.

Thankyou for helping me on this journey, I am so confused and scared and so concerned for my family that I almost want to run back and hide my head in the sand again. There is no hiding from this though is there??!! I can see how things have consistantly gotten worse over the years and I know that will continue to escalate if we don't do something about it right now.

I have to say though that the comment about the possibility of one of my children being bipolar absolutely TERRIFIED me. As much as my husband drives me up the wall, I know how difficult his life has been and how much he has struggled and it would break my heart to see one of my babies have to do the same. It does all make sense now though. My husbands father suicided about ten years ago and now we may know the reason why.

I wish words could express how thankful I am for these replies, coming here and reading each one has been a godsend. Every line written has given me more insight into where I may be going and how I am going to get there. Thankyou for giving me the strength to make it through another day and continue this fight to keep my family together and help my husband get well.

Thankyou.

 
Old 02-14-2007, 12:00 PM   #15
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langlee HB User
Re: Please help me...

I think everyone gave you great advice and the only thing I'd like to add is that you have to pace yourself. As people who love people who are bipolar, we so want to see them feeling better and we get our hopes up with each new med. It takes time to find the right medication and there are no quick miracles. Keep coming here, asking questions, and letting us know how you are doing.

Always,

Hope

 
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