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Old 03-11-2007, 05:54 PM   #1
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2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Well, here I am. I have Biploar and Borderline Personlakity Disorder and my boyfriend has ADHD and Bipolar. I believe you have heard most of this before, but I have a lot of trouble and I would like some opinions on how to work through this problem I am having with trying to get through each and every day of "changing" myself for the better, well at least in his eyes. To me, I am becoming a less mean, sarcastic person and that is a good thing, but for him, I seem to be some one that he wants to mold into (and this will be an eventual process) of a better person for myself (as he says).

I work very hard to please him daily. It is very difficult to keep my emotions inside every day. He does not want me to display them out right. I am not to cry because that would be a sign that I am losing control. I am to be in control and think as he says.

So, to you I pose the questions. How does a Bipolar/BPD person hold everything inside and not explode eventually?????


I hope to hear back.


 
Old 03-11-2007, 06:39 PM   #2
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Hi, I am glad that you started another thread because I have wanted to respond to you but your thread seemed more as if you were journaling for your own therapeutic necessity and I am sure that others thought that as well.

I know that you really love this guy and I give you alot of credit wanting to help him and at the same time help yourself.

I think that in reading your last thread, I see alot of controlling going on in this relationship. It is not right of him to tell you that you can never be upset, mad, angry, frustrated or hurt. That is basically telling you that you have to be happy all the time and NOBODY is happy all the time.

That would be like you telling him he can never have a drink or smoke again....that bothers you....right??? Thing is, neither one of you would be loving if you are expecting the person to be the way that you want them to be. You decided to enter into a relationship Knowing that there were problems and that he was a smoker/drinker and him knowing that you had BP and BPD that would involve some sadness and problems controlling emotions at times.

I think that each of you needs to focus upon yourselves and making the changes in yourselves that you each would want to see....not because the other person has to have you that way in order to love you. You need to each be supportive of one another realizing that nobody can change another person except that person themself!! And that loving somebody is not controlling them...it is accepting them good points and bad points and supporting them through the changes that they want to see for themselves.

I am sure that you will admit that your boyfriend has a drinking problem as well as weed problem. Apparently that is not going to change and you must decide if you can live the rest of your time with him having to drink and smoke every weekend and whenever he needs to. You are not going to change that in him....he has to want to change that for himself.

You cannot hold all your feelings inside just to please your boyfriend.....it is like he is asking you not to breathe. You need to have the freedom to express yourself otherwise you are conforming to the person's needs which is so unfair for anybody to ask of another person to do.

I know that you love him and that there is alot for the two of you to deal with. It would be so much easier if he would address his issues and you address yours, and each of you offering the other praise and support along the way.

I hope that this helps out in someway.

((((HUGS))))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-11-2007 at 06:42 PM.

 
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Thank you for your reply. Yes, the other thread was more of a self fish thing and I apologize, but when I get upset or have any type of emotions stuck within I write, that is my therapy. I write to get things out of me so I don't explode.....lol.

Well, some times it works. I have many journals that fill up rather quickly.

I just think that if I keep writing that eventually I can write all my feelings away and then all the things that sit inside will be gone and then I won't be negative and then, well I will somehow magically be oh k.

Guess things will wrok out the way they do,, but see when I got on this site (and please anyone on here take no offense to what I am about to say), but I thought I could use this kind of as an outlet so I didn't do anything silly or stupid to myself to do any harm. This is my outlet. I kind of need it.

People give opinions when they can and I am truly appreciative.

Hopefully in the process others can learn from anything I type from my life as well.

I just don't want something else taken away from me, so I hope that I am allowed to continue writting here. whether it is looked at as I am journaling or however, this is keeping me from harming myself or just going and doing anything that might be regreted later in verbal arguments and such.

Anyhow, my bipolar is so unpredictable at times, typing is all I can do to try to even myself out. It just calms me a bit at times when I get my fingers moving on the keyboard at what seems so quick that they are going by themselves at non sensical rants......

Sorry to those that might not understand my problems. Sorry to those that might not understand my BPD and bipolar and my problems with my ADHD and bipolar boyfriend, but I am trying so hard here to keep it together and I guess I have done it once more and gone off on a tottaly different rant fromw hat a simple statement has been made to me.

I guess I am just sorry..............I know you are trying to help me.

 
Old 03-12-2007, 08:54 AM   #4
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Hey BP/BPD ~ You needn't apologize, I truly understand how therapeutic writing can be...just ask everybody around here who have to put up with my rather lengthy posts!!

So you keep on writing...I was just apologizing for not responding too much knowing that you needed this outlet and totally understanding it's importance to you and the benefits it serves.

I hope that my advice doesn't offend you. I guess alot of what you are experiencing I experienced with an ex fiance who was extremely controlling and took away alot of my self worth and so I reacted to that since it seemed familiar to me. I know that you are struggling with alot and that your self esteem is already low....I just don't want to see your boyfriend make it even lower. Try to focus on YOU, that is important.

I hope that you feel better soon. We are here for you....just ask if you need support and keep on writing away.

Love ~ Goody

 
Old 03-13-2007, 08:13 AM   #5
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

I think it to be a little odd actually. I have even talked to my psych doc about it. When I was married I was the one who was rebellious so to speak. I wanted to do things and be my own person. Not be as responsible as I am now. So much role reversal, I mean maybe I deserve this to see what he went through. I had so much self respect and now it slips out of me, I can feel it seep away out of me. I am losing myself to try to keep this relationship. When my boyfriend and I first kissed, I had never felt anything like that. I actually felt true love. I mean it felt like the room spun and almost as if past lives flew by me. I truly believe I found my one true soulmate in this life time. Not many find that ever and I was lucky enough to. This is why I am trying so hard. This is why I am hurting so much inside and wanting to cry so long and hard. This is why................
I am just not sure what else to do. I am not sure what else can be done. I mean him nad I talk and talk. He has troubles, we all do, but as he said yesterday to me, it is hard with 2 people that have bipolar in the same relationship because you never know how you will feel that day, let alone how the other will too.

He said he knows he is very difficult to live with and he is an a**hole. I told inspite of that, I love him. I deal with that. I told him that I am doing my thinking and yes, I still react emotionally but I am still learning. You can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim, give me a little time here to adjust.

He wants it NOW. I have to change, and he siad I haven't gotten him super angry at all for 4 days in a row which is a good thing.
Anyhow, I have to go for now, but Just please keep trying to help me, I can use it. I have no one else....except the doc and the doc and boyfriend have permission to talk if need be, I gave it. Pretty dumb now that It hink about it.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 11:52 AM   #6
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

I have read many of your posts and almost all of them you are "trying" to please your boyfriend. I think you should find what makes you happy and not try to always please him. What about this soul mate thing you mention? I am confused you said when you kissed him the room spinned around I am not trying to be harsh but that does not mean love or soul mate. I guess it's passion. It really is not the thing a relationship is built on. Sometimes we are in a relationship and think how much we love the person but we are so miserable with them. What else is it about him that you love? Sometimes we mistake love for need. I just think love should make a person feel good to be with the other person and you can be yourself without always having to please them or make them happy. I think everyone has to be happy within themselves before they can be happy in a relationship. I hope this is not coming off wrong because I do not want to hurt you in any way just make you stop and think. I realize you struggle each and everyday and for that I am so sorry. I know that you are dealing with a lot on your plate. I want to be supportive so please do not take this any other way. Thank you.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 12:32 PM   #7
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Hi, BPD-BP ~

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpd_bipolar View Post
I had so much self respect and now it slips out of me, I can feel it seep away out of me. I am losing myself to try to keep this relationship.
These are very powerful words and you really MUST read them over again. Look at them and if anybody else but you were saying them what would you have to say about the relationshi???. Then add BP and BPD to it and try to imagine how much that would affect how somebody could get better. Can somebody who needs minimal stress and already has a poor self esteem do well in a relationship like this?? These questions are important because they will tell you what value the relationship holds and if it is good for somebody trying to get better and stable with BP & BPD.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpd_bipolar View Post
When my boyfriend and I first kissed, I had never felt anything like that. I actually felt true love. I mean it felt like the room spun and almost as if past lives flew by me. I truly believe I found my one true soulmate in this life time. Not many find that ever and I was lucky enough to. This is why I am trying so hard. This is why I am hurting so much inside and wanting to cry so long and hard. This is why................
If I were to take a guess you would have most likely completed that sentence with, "......I can't let go!!" You are doing what most people would do in an abusive relationship whether it be physical, emotional OR both. Kids who are abused remember their mommy who abuses them as the one who read bedtime stories and took them to the park. Who bought them their first ice cream cone and played hide and seek. And then the abuse comes and the child remembers the good and keeps on hoping it will come back and protects the memory of the good mommy who loved them. That is what we all do with somebody we loved....we keep alive the good times and all the good moments that made us believe in the "happily ever afters". But suddenly that changes....and as much as we see the bad in the situation day in and day out, we are hoping that the good that we first saw will return. But it doesn't and it leaves us feeling empty and void because we are still giving and the other is still taking but giving nothing back to refill our inner core, our inner being. And we feel much like you described above, everything seeping out of us and lost in the relationship. When really the only thing keeping it alive are the memories and hope that it will be as it once was but isn't anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpd_bipolar View Post
....as he said yesterday to me, it is hard with 2people that have bipolar in the same relationship because you never know how you will feel that day, let alone how the other will too.
I can't even imagine how that would be....living with my daughter isn't easy and definitely takes it's toll on me almost making me feel emotionally stressed and drained. So I could only imagine how this affects you AND your boyfriend....if I would venture a guess I would have to say that it probably makes it worse than better....all the stress. And that all that you work on in therapy cannot be worth much when there is somebody else with their own set of issues to work on too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpd_bipolar View Post
You can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim, give me a little time here to adjust.
Somebody who is emotionally stable may understand this but not somebody who is not equipped to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpd_bipolar View Post
He wants it NOW. I have to change, and he siad I haven't gotten him super angry at all for 4 days in a row which is a good thing.
And that is leaving you with inner turmoil to deal with and we know that holding things in is not good and only leads to self destructive behaviors....you have been taught to mainstream things in a healthy way and having to conform to somebody elses standards in not only unfair but unhealthy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpd_bipolar View Post
Anyhow, I have to go for now, but Just please keep trying to help me, I can use it. I have no one else....except the doc and the doc and boyfriend have permission to talk if need be, I gave it. Pretty dumb now that It hink about it.
We are here for you and it isn't too late to have a change of heart regarding your decision to allow him to talk to your pdoc....your pdoc is your lifeline to hold onto and your security to stability. You may wish to rethink that.

Sending you some (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-13-2007 at 12:38 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 07:52 AM   #8
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

To both of you above..........

Thank you for your words. I do not take offense to anything that has been said.

Goody, as you broke the quotes down tears fell from my eyes. As I read each thing seperate and I took everything in with each seperate thing, I understood it more and more.

I just fought for so long after my marriage ended that I wasn't going to 'fall in love'. It took a while for me to tell my boyfriend that I was in love with him. heck, it took him a while for him to tell me that he could trust me and love me because of all the hurt and broken trust that women had done to him.
I felt special because I was trusted. I was loved. I am still trusted and still loved. I know this.

Maybe this is just sounding worse than it is. Maybe this is the bipolar/BPd of grandureness here. I mean maybe I deserve all of this.
I could be looking not from any perspective but my own (sorry, that is an obvious one), of course, that is what I am doing, I just seeing my side of it. I am not seeing the whole picture. So, maybe this is 1/2 my fault here. Oh k. So if I fix my half, then..... then what? Then I do not know. What will happen if I work hard on my half of the problem here? Does my half get better and the other half stay broke? or is the other half not broke, is it in my mind? no, it isn't, ...maybe it is?? See, confusion...that is a problem here for me.

Oh k, so my 1/2 is broken, I am responsible for 1/2. I take full responsiblity for this. I can look at it this way.

Then there is the other 1/2. Not my half.

Maybe my doc is just right. I mean he sees it. Heck, he has been seeing me since '99. He said that no matter what I will find something wrong with the most perfect thing. I am just not happy.

I don't even think I deserve to use the word.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 08:06 AM   #9
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

BP-BPD ~ I understand what you are saying and you know what....I am not in your 2 shoes and honestly couldn't even imagine let alone know what it is like. But I have felt the emptiness and void when somebody takes away your self worth and self esteem after going through an emotionally abusive relationship...and alot of what you described was how I was feeling at the very worst of it. And NOBODY deserves to EVER feel that way.

I just wanted to explain where I was coming from.

You are such a beautiful person who I see really wants to work on getting better. I say focus on that and do what YOU see needs fixng along with your doctor....don't do it for your boyfriend, do it for you.

I will give you an example. My cousin was in a bad marriage....where all she wanted to do is raise her kids and be home with them. She took various jobs to help out but it never was enough. Her husband constantly told her that other women worked and she should too. Eventually she went out to work and met other people who showed her respect and how special she was. Her self worth grew and she lost alot of weight (which her hubby always told her she had to do). She did it for her and as she did her self worth increased and she felt better. OTher men from where she worked told her husband how wonderful a person she was and how lucky he was to have her. He then started to realize that for himself but it was too late....the damage had been done. Emotionally he had severed all the bonds of their marriage by the way he had treated my cousin and she just couldn't go back...there was too much pain. She told me that she had emotionally divorced him years ago and she couldn't fix the damage without losing herself again. She said that it was when she started doing things for herself that things got better.

I think you are right...you need to fix your half and then when that is done reevaluate things for yourself. When your self worth is restored you will be strong enough to make any decisions that need to be made in order to maintain it.

You may be right...the BP/BPD mays be distorting things, who really knows. But in time you will know.

So go work on you for YOU and nobody else and see where that brings you. I don't doubt that you really love your boyfriend....but do you love yourself???? That is where I see the work must be done. And I have every faith in you that you will do it!!

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 03-14-2007, 05:53 PM   #10
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

When I saw you all alone in the other thread I asked if you wanted input and you said yes. I am going to let Goody do it she is much better at works than I am but I wish you well. Thanks.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 07:50 PM   #11
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

No, no, no....Marshmallow...don't you go putting me on a pedestal here!! You have alot to offer here too....I know you do because I have read your posts and they really are so wonderfully supportive. I think that BP/BPD needs all the input/support that she can get and you have lots to offer in term of compassion and support. So don't you go anywhere...okay???

I hope that today was a little bit better for you BP/BPD.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 03-15-2007, 08:05 AM   #12
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Marshmellow, Goody....you are the 2 constant ones that have responded to me and have given me parts of your wisdom, please do not take them from me.

I appreciate everything you both have to offer.

I apologize if I have ever seemed ungrateful at all. Marshmellow, please do stay and please do continue to speak with me. I can use all the support I can get from you and everyone. It is greatly appreciated. So I do say thank you to you now and for future posts that shall occur.

As for yesterday, well it was a difficult day/night, but we helped one another get through it. I hope that I was of great help to him. I did the best I could for him. It was the 2 year anniversary of the night his best friend commited suicide. We were across the street from him at the bar, he was having a drink and I had a gut feeling we should of gone across the street to see the guy, to say hello, but I shoved it down and my boyfriend drank, I figured we would see the guy the next day. The next day never came. I feel bad that I neevr spoke up and said we need to go and go now. But how was I supposed to know. I am just not going to ignore my gut feelings anymore that is all. This is the third time I have total and the third time was when I would of won $500. LOL. Guess I have learned....I should of after the death.

I am just trying and I know that he is trying and with us both trying, that is a good step in the right direction. We love one another and that is a good thing.

Oh k, so yes, I might be stretching things on my end, but then again he is on his end too. Of course we are both biased, I mean we are ourselves.

So......as I have babbled and gone from one end to the other it seems......the point I am trying to make is that we are here for one another and I think that if I work on not being mean and work on not being sarcastic, he eventually works on excepting who I end up being in the end of it all after that mean and non sarcastic person is, then that will be that. BUT if he thinks that there will be him trying to mold me into things going on, then well, there might be a problem. I will figure that one out when it comes to that though.

Oh k, talked your ears off enough for now.

Sorry to dump this all on you.

Again, please, both of you stay, I can use all the input I can get.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 12:37 PM   #13
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Bpd bipolar, you have never been ungrateful to any post. The reason I said that is because I think Goody has the right words for everyone. I really mean that and I am so afraid of hurting someone with what I might say. I know my husband always said that my words hurt him and I would be standing there shaking my head wondering what I said to hurt him. He always reacted with anger and rage so that has made me want to be extra careful. I do hope your feeling better today. I know it has to be hard dealing with so many emotions and differences in both of you. I hope it gets better with each day.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 02:51 PM   #14
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Marshmallow, please understand that when I told that I am mean and sarcastic. This is what sparked the whole 'you think about everything, you have been told by me a million times over and you still haven't listened, so I am not telling you anything, you just think from now on before you speak'......whole thing that my boyfriend has told me and I am going through.

You have not been mean or perhaps I just do not take the things that you guys on here advise me in a wrong way. See, I take things you guys advise me as an open minded person as I believe that we all have our life experiences and if each of us have lived different things.......then the conclusion to me is that we all can share our seperate experiences with one another and hope to help each other out.

So, I do not take what you say as you being mean or angry, I hope you continue to speak with me and advise. If I have a question about something you write, I shall ask. As you can see, I am pretty open here.



Oh k, so as of right now, I am oh k, I think. I had laid down earlier and wanted to take a nap. I was in bed for 2 1/2 hours and got (when my boyfriend laid down with me) a cat nap in about 10 minutes for about 1/2 hour time.......I am just so exhausted. body and mind. Now his friend is over. I have to be out of bed and awake because they would just keep me up anyhow because of the noise. The talking. I just want some silence. All I want is some silence.

Boyfriend and me, together in bed. sleeping, holding one another...no time limits, no back pain, no pain of any type, just laying and relaxed. no time limits. No phone, no doorbell, nothing but us. I just don't see it ever.

Tomorrow is Friday. The day...well night I dread. Where his friend comes over and we go to the bar. His friend comes over and stays the weekend. Goes home sunday. Then his other friend will probably stay over saturday evening into night and I will have to contend with then both. At least I know I can get the bed time at midnight on Saturday because the one guy has to wake at 5:15a on Sun. to work. But still. I just don't want people here.

Am I self fish? I am working hard on being this un-sarcastic person and un-mean, I have a lot of trouble with one of his friends, the one that comes over friday and stays the whole weekend. he is the one (26 year old) that I have talked prior about. we just annoy each other and I have trouble being nice some times, but I have no choice. I have to be because of this whole new thing I am doing. Last week. I was told I did oh k over the weekend, like I got my progress report like a kid.

Ugh (I say ugh in place of a few words...lol).

Oh k, sorry to talk your ear off, but this is what I do......I write to get it out. Saves me from doing things that are unsafe to myself.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 04:02 PM   #15
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Re: 2 mentally ill people in relationship, opinions needed

Hey you,
I am new, but I totally understand what you are going through.
My bf wants me to be a certain way and if I am not, than he will dump me.

BUT I am rebelling. I am doing what I want to do, with compromise and he is still here after three years. I realized this year, through much prodding of therapists and friends and family, that I need to take care of me, before I can love another, I need to love myself in order to survive and people have to accept me for me. I need to better myself for my own selfish needs, but also in the hopes our relationship will get better.

BUT he has his faults and I point that out to him, so he may work on his own things and to show him that not only do I have things going on with me, but he tooooo has to delve into his own baggage or selfishness and stop judging me.

My self esteem is slowly coming back, I excersize everyday...and I have bought a couple shirt and nickers in the past week... but I am not top shape, but I am doing so much better since I have started thinking of myself and not what he exactly wants ...
If one only trys to be like the other wants than the relationship wont survive, because he will never be satiated. If you become who you want to be and compromise with him, and let him know you want changes in him toooo, maybe there can be a compromise reached and the relationship will blossom...


How long have you been together?

It was a real battle with Alex and I ..he always put me down and I blame myself for letting him do this to me and I blame him for not taking responsiblity ... but I have shot back at him his qualities I dont like and now he is accepting me ..sometimes it takes the ball in your court feel to get back your inner strength and yourself and your self esteem...

Do for you ... do for him a little ...but you live in your mind .. in your body ... you dont want to have low self esteem and I think you know why ...

so good luck in getting through this tough time ...

You may not know what to do ...but simple things ... like taking a walk ... taking a bubble bath ... bettering yourself for you ...can bring so much more to your life and I mean your life and can actually brighten up the relationship ...
listen when he says your bipolar is acting up ...because thats a good indication you need to focus on yourself and need to work on your episode and trying not to go through an episode ... but this is for you ...not for him ...because if he is the central theme to everything in your life ...than you are in danger of losing yourself ..

good luck hun

always
nataliejo

 
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