Hi distroyed,
I have been married to my husband who is BP/ADD for 11 yrs. I understand exactly what you are saying and I have the same questions as you do (although some have been answered in camilla's post!). My husband is medicated, although still trying to find the right combo for him, he is currently very depressed and I know I cannot bring him out of it. Prior to a med change 2 wks ago, my husband had been manic for 2 months. We have 2 wonderful small children and I struggle with the same kinds of things that you do. There has been no infidelity in our marriage, you sound like a heck of a forgiving husband, although I hope it is not at your own expense.
I also have walked on eggshells when my husband is cycling, taken a lot of hurtful words and criticism and all the blame from him, when in reality his behaviour and mood swings were at the root of pretty much all of the conflict in our home. He has said things that I have a hard time forgetting and has never apologized. When he's 'stable', he insists that things were never "that bad", in reality they were worse than what he remembers them to be. We will go thru those tough periods of time, then he will see the pdoc and his mood stabilizer will be increased, and then everything will be loving and darn near perfect, until he cycles again. I think it takes a very strong person to be married to someone with this illness. It really wears on you after a while. I try to be as open with my children as I can when their father has his bouts of anger, trying to protect them and redirect them and make sure they know that they have done nothing wrong, that their father has a 'problem'. I still worry about how his unpredictable behaviour affects them, but I do the best I can to minimize it.
It seems as though we as the spouses who love our BP partners, are in a Catch-22 in many ways. Sometimes we can reach them, sometimes we can't. Sometimes we are the dream spouse, or other times everything is our fault. Sometimes I feel loved by him, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel like he dumps all his frustrations and pain on me, saying hurtful, distorted things which are hard to forget. Sometimes I feel everything will somehow be OK. I wish I could help him to feel better, but I can't no matter what I do.
It seems like you are asking "do we just continue to take it" and if we accept that this is the illness, will your spouse ever know the extent of how she has damaged you, and her children. Will she ever apologize? Is everything then excused, as though it didn't happen? Does this illness give the person struggling with it the right to hurt those they love? I say NO. What I expect from my husband is that he does everything he can to be well. He is in therapy, he goes to a pdoc, he takes his medicine. He still cycles and can be unpredictable. I keep praying and hoping that he finds the right med combo soon so he can be as 'normalized' as possible, and as 'stable' as possible for as long as possible!
Is your wife committed to managing her illness for her own benefit, as well as her family's?
This is a fantastic forum with wonderful, supportive people. You are in a good place to have your questions answered, and most of us understand exactly what you are going thru.
Take care,
4support
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