Like a china tea-cup breaking (again) - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

NutshellNutter · 03-12-2007, 03:58 PM

I've just emailed my pdoc....

My mood is collapsing rapidly from under my feet. I am not able to cope in work at all and feel the same as before my breakdown, 2004. In work I feel suffocated, like no-one can hear what I say, like no-one is listening to what I say. I feel that everything I say and do is wrong, hate myself, hate the place, hate everyone, can't wait to leave at the end of day, have no enthusiasm to stay. I'm having to go for long walks to keep myself together, and am living off diazepam whilst in work. I'm not coping with it at all. I just felt like I needed to run outside today and scream at the top of my lungs, scream for what though - I don't know.

I feel useless, inept, a burden. I feel ashamed of who I am and what I represent, although I don't even know who I am or what I represent. I feel a charity case in work, and can hear whispering behind my back. I have to keep going in, have to 'keep up the face', but its driving me mad. I don't feel in control of anything at all - of me, of work - everything controls me and I can't bear it. I tried today to ask for a protocol to be changed as I have the results to prove that the current one is not working. I made suggestions for what to change it to and reasons for why - but I just got hit with a brick wall - told by management that 'it won't make a difference' - but I have data to prove that it does! I am made silent, silenced by people who whisper about me, who are trying to mould me into who and what they think I should be - I'm suffocating, I'm losing it, they are trying to control me again - I'm losing it, I don't want to return. Memories of how I was treated and controlled previously are coming faster and faster. Thoughts consume me, bomarding me from all angles. I am now consumed.

I return from work and don't want to cross the door of the house. I just want to crawl under a stone, a heavy stone, one I can't lift off the top of me again. I feel so heavy, so lost, so so lost in this place they call the world.

I just don't know what to do except to eat diazepam and even that has lost its feeling.

Nut.

martavee · 03-12-2007, 04:56 PM

Nut - at this moment in time I can't form many words. Which is sad because writing is one of my biggest passions. As you know though in our hard times the things we once loved hold no pleasure, which makes it even worse.

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for how you feel. I recall reading more upbeat posts by you recently. Just remember that this feeling will soon eventually pass. I can relate with everything you said - the belief that people are whispering behind your back, etc. Just try to remember that this is mainly due to this illness. I often feel like all those other lucky a$$es get to run around with their head in the clouds/not caring even when people ARE talking about them

Has anything happened recently? I want to recall you posting about seeing a new therapist?

Llama · 03-12-2007, 05:00 PM

I'm glad you emailed your pdoc. Sounds like you need some help hun! I'm sorry I have no more advice. ((((nutshellnutter)))

langlee · 03-12-2007, 06:23 PM

Dear Nutshell,

You were talking about going off of your meds recently. Did you? Did anything else change that is making you feel this way? This post sounds so different than where you have been and I am concerned about you. I am so glad you e-mailed your pdoc. Let us know what s/he says.

Always,

Hope

NutshellNutter · 03-13-2007, 01:07 PM

I have just spoken with my pdoc on the phone.

He wants me to immeidately increase my dosage of Carbamazepine from 600 to 800 for two days. He will then call me on Thursday morning to make sure I haven't had any side effects, and the dose will then be increased further.

If a higher dosage of carbamazapine doesn't mediate my mood swings into depression, he has asked me once again to consider Seroquel (atypical anyi-psychotic). I'm so frightened of the tardive dyskenesia that can be associated with seroquel thoguh - especially as some of the reserach I have read mentions that even when the drug is ceased, the tardive dyskinesia may not completely disappear - that frightens me having had a lif threatening reaction to psych meds before.

Still hovering on my low, anxiety realms - lorazepam was given to me by my GP though. Luckily my OH is supporting me - I'd be lost without him. I have decided that I need to leave my job - there is too much history in it for me with previous workplace bullying.....

I'm tired, drained, thanks for listening,

Nut.