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Old 03-14-2007, 02:28 PM   #1
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Kalliope1981 HB User
Unhappy Husband seems terrified of me!

Greetings everybody!
I think I've had bipolar for a while but was just diagnosed a month ago. Ever since I've been taking Lamictol and Adderall I've had these terrifying episodes. They've only happened twice so far, but it's always been a Sunday evening that I cracked. This past Sunday I even sat in my bedroom focusing on my mood change and fighting the episode the hardest I could. My husband won't even try talking to me anymore. I'm scared he thinks that whatever comes out of his mouth will trigger another attack. I don't know what to do. I'm even scared of myself now and it's hard when I've scared away the person I love the most. I know a lot of Bipolar marriages don't usually last and I can't imagine the rest of my life with anyone but my hubby. I've used emailing my mom my feelings as a sort of therapy for myself. Here's a little bit of what I've been going through during these episodes. Sorry this is so lengthy.

MONDAY'S EMAIL: Mom, I had been in agonizing emotional pain on the floor of my bedroom for hours and not once did he (hubby) take the time to come down and ask me if there was anything he could do to help, or better yet, just come downstairs to try and console me (i.e. hugs, words of affirmation like ďI love you. Weíre going to get through this.Ē etcÖ).

Every time there was a moment I screamed or bawled harder, I could hear him leaving the house. I knew he was trying to ignore me which just ignited the anger and the feeling of abandonment inside me.

When he finally came downstairs, he sat on the bed next to where I was on the floor and stroked my back while I continued to cry and convulse. The convulsions werenít as bad then, but my left leg kept twitching. Any affection that was offered felt forced and uncomfortable.

I had such a migraine that I literally dragged my body up the stairs to the kitchen to take some ibuprofen. Shane followed to me to make sure I didnít overdose, I suppose. Just as I was about to go back downstairs I coldly muttered, ďDid you only start to care after my Mom called you?Ē (my mom called my husband earlier to check on us and then insisted he go and console me) He didnít respond, but just followed me back down to my room where he again tried to hold me or rub my back. I asked him if he did in fact call my First Shirt (an authority figure in my squadron here at my base) and he said he didnít get an answer. I didnít believe him. I donít think he called him at all, because my First Shirt always answers his phone especially on the weekend. He tells his troops to call him if theyíre downtown and drunk and need a ride home to prevent a DUI. In my case, he told me to tell Shane to call him if this ever happened to me again then he would rush to get me and take me to the hospital.

I really didnít want anyone at work to know that it happened to me again. I told my friend, but we confide in each other about everything now. She can relate, because of her post partum depression. She felt suicidal and her husband forced her to call her doctor. Iím just terrified about being hospitalized and judged by all the doctors and nurses as being a suicidal airman, unable to adjust to life in the military. I donít want whatís happening to me to give civilians an idea of this is what airmen are like now-a-days in the military. I want to set a good example and make people proud of me. I donít want their sympathy, or negative remarks, or judgmental looks. I just want to fight this out on my own and try to heal the best I can. My whole situation is completely humiliating to me!

Iím wearing my old wrist brace for when my wrist was sore doing pushups, but today Iím just wearing it to conceal the yuckier looking cuts. I still have some pretty noticeable ones on my right, but I can use the old ďcat scratched meĒ routine. It sounds really terrible of me, but I just donít want that kind of attention. I didnít want to call you last night, Mom, but I was enduring the ends of the episode and just wanted to hear your maternal voice on the other end telling me things are going to be okay. I really felt like I was dying inside and didnít know when or if Iíd get the chance to talk to you guys again. I donít how often they let patients call home in the psych ward, yíknow?
I even had very lucid real dreams last night. They were quick, but extremely real. The first one I dreamed I was in bed trying to fall asleep and MSgt McNair or somebody was sitting beside me trying to convince me to seek out medical help, but I kept refusing. I woke up from that one and made sure there wasnít anyone else in the room. I must have drifted back off to sleep, because I dreamt that I was sleeping and woke up in the dark to see green flashing lights in the hallway and there were medical teams about to take me away and I started to panic. I mustíve scared myself awake, because I was in the same place as my dream, but nobody in the doorway. I looked at my clock and it was only 11:00pm. It felt much later than that. I kept waking up every other hour or so still feeling pretty sad, but grateful I had calmed down and my migraine wasnít as bad.

I think the meds are driving me insane. Can these meds make a person bipolar if maybe theyíre not bipolar to begin with? My friend thinks I may just have depression and I should try getting off the Lamictol and try taking an anti-depressant. I donít even know what mental illness I have now. Itís even scarier to know thereís something seriously wrong with me and not know 100% what it is.

 
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Old 03-14-2007, 02:57 PM   #2
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ErylFlynn HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

I am so sorry, let me offer you some insight that could help you understand him. And maybe he can read this later and learn from my mistakes. The woman I love is bipolar and we may not get back together. I remember her laying in bed, crying. I would occasionally come in, talk and touch her. I never did what I should or needed to. To tell her I love her, that we will get through this. To lay there next to her and hold her, or let her lay her head on my chest for a while, to comfort her when she cried. I was too selfish at the time, and too scared and hurt. It hurt me to see her like that, unable due to lack of insurance to get help. I slowly built a wall around my heart until now we are broke up and she is mad at me thinking I feel she is garbage to her. That hurts me so much, I understand but I didn't want that. I was burnt out, tired, frustrated and confused. I now have taken the time to start educating myself. I am reading a book she had, I ordered a few more, I read forums here with people that have bipolar, and read read read. If we get together I will be joining a care takers group for people who love and take care of people dealing with bipolar disorder. I know things will be hard with her, but I now have some thing to focus on and work with her if she will let me.

Again, I am coming from the other side, hurt and sad over what I lost due to my ignorance. Your husband still has time and a chance to do what is right if he loves you and wants to stay with you.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 02:58 PM   #3
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langlee HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Dear Kalliope,

I'm sorry you are struggling so. Could you back up a little and give me some more information? What made you suspect that you were bipolar? Who diagnosed you? When are you supposed to go for a med check?

It can take a while to find the proper mix of medications. I'm surprised that you are on Lamictal and Adderal. From what I understand, Adderal is usually used for ADHD and most psychiatrists will not mix those meds with BP meds until the BP meds are stabilized. Are you depressed alot? Manic more of the time? Are you seeing a therapist? I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but it will give me a better sense of where you have been and where you are going, especially since your diagnosis is so new.

I'm sorry your husband is not being more supportive. This is probably new for him, too, and he'll need to be educated as well. You Mom sounds like she is a good support, though, and that's very helpful.

This is a wonderfully helpful board and there will be many here who can give you insight and help you better than I, but I saw your post and didn't want you to have to wait too long for your first response!

Good luck and keep posting.

Hope

 
Old 03-14-2007, 03:39 PM   #4
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Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Hello and welcome to the board,

One of the lesser known side effects of adderal is inducing mania. Also since you recently started Lamictal, you are not yet at a therapeutic dosage, so you don't have the protection that it would provide to stabilize moods. You need to call your pdoc ASAP and tell him/her what is going on. Do not wait because if you continue on, you may become psychotic.

I think your husband has no idea how to deal with you or what is going on. He is probably terrified to see you like this and does not know what to do. Men are like that sometimes....

Please call your pdoc right away...and let us know how you're doing.
Hope you feel better soon.
Tsohl

 
Old 03-14-2007, 05:17 PM   #5
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Kalliope1981 HB User
Talking Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

---Warning---Warning---Babble Alert---So Sorry

I can't believe I got so many uplifting responses and so quickly too! I for sure thought that I may get a bunch of irritated responses telling me to quit my babbling and get to the point. You guys are like angels. Thank you so much for wanting to help and especially for your patience!

To answer a few questions, I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 14 so was prescribed Ritalin for a year or two then switched to Adderall till I was 17 or 18. I was medication free all throughout college and now I'm 25 and decided to inquire about the possibilty of me having Bipolar. My dad is Bipolar and every symptom he has I have been experiencing these past few years myself. I was in denial for a while so decided to ignore it, because I thought Bipolar was another term for "crazy". Well, to prevent another long painful story, my hubby and I have been fighting almost all the time since we've been married. (married 28 Dec 05) We don't yell or scream or say hurtful things to each other. I adore him, but it seems he'll do something or say something hurtful and I suddenly put up "walls". I stop speaking to him and it's even hard looking at him sometimes. Inside I want him to come to me and apologize, give me a hug, and make everything better. A small voice in my head tells me this is selfish, but I don't know how to overcome my stubborness.
I get upset at the most mundane things that wouldn't even matter to a normal person. Does anyone else have this problem with their significant other? I still think the best of him even when I'm angry, but I just can't talk when I feel I've been hurt in some way.

I went to Life Skills here at my base (free counseling) regarding my Bipolar concern and the social worker there referred me to a therapist downtown who accepted my insurance. The first session with him he asked me what I hoped to get from him there that day. Medication? I said, "Yes! Whatever will stable my moods so I'm happy and I don't react so harshly towards my husband." He wrote me out a prescription that day and said the next time I saw him he'd prescribe me back on Adderall to help me focus during the day at work. I was thrilled!

I started taking Adderall only a week or so after taking the Lamictol. My moods got really crazy afterwards and I swear I have split personality disorder like Dr.Jeckle/Mr.Hyde or something. I'm very positive and upbeat most days, but then something will set me off and I go insane and I suddenly want to hurt myself. I don't even know that girl I become and I don't ever want to bring her out again.

I see my doctor again on the 23rd, but he's not much help. Last time I was there I told him the first episode I experienced and that I was really scared. He basically made me feel ashamed of myself and had me up my meds. I started taking 2 Lamictols and 2 Adderalls every morning for a week.
Well, one Saturday at Walmart I got extremely ill and came close to asking another customer to dial 911. My lips & tongue went numb and I broke out into a sudden sweat. After calling my doctor to see if I should continue the meds he said yes, but go to the hospital if it happens again.

I'm really not depressed a lot, but more now than I was before. I'm about 90% bubbly and 10% sad. Everyday is like a rollercoaster cause' I feel perky for half a day then my boss will make me feel bad about myself and my mood quickly changes to feeling sad and worthless. (This just happened today.)

Thanks ErylFlynn, hopealways1104, and tsohl. I'll never forget your kind words and wonderful advice. I'm sorry for babbling again, but it's my nature. Hee-hee! I'll let you know what happens at my next appointment whether it's before the 23rd now or if I decide to wait. Thanks again and God bless!

Oh, by the way, ErylFlynn. I'm very sorry about your situation with your girl. Please don't give up.

Last edited by moderator2; 03-14-2007 at 08:58 PM. Reason: promoting other forums - please read and follow our posting rules

 
Old 03-14-2007, 07:36 PM   #6
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leasarenya HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Hi there, I am sorry you are having trouble. I am BP and I absolutely cannot take adderall. I freaked out violently. My doc kept me on it and kept changing dosages for 2 months and I got continually worse. It took me a very long time to get over the horrible mood swings this drug brought on. Good luck to you.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 09:44 PM   #7
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ErylFlynn HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Thanks Kalli, I am trying to be patient but it is hard. I think Monday is going to be a good day for some thing new, thinking of having flowers delivered. She always told me flowers made her happy, she never understood why they just did. We had a vase I bought she would put them in. I figure a small note, telling her I love her still, and that I remember they make her happy and want her happy would be a nice touch to remind her I still love her and want to be with her. Past that respect and patience, at least as long as I can. Some time we all have to move on. I would suggest your husband read some of these forums to, he needs to learn about what you are going through. Searching around I have found so much information, and I even ordered some books that sound good. It will help him understand and not take so many things so personal. I even found a good list of things to say to your loved one when they are caught in the depression part of the cycle. That one is bookmarked I can guarantee!! That was always hard for me, what to do, what to say when the woman I love is laying there crying all after noon for no apparent reason. Bipolar disorder is hard on every one, not just the person directly effected. I hope to be one of those stories that are positive and encouraging, my hope is still up we will see how long it stays.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 05:52 AM   #8
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twoeyez HB Usertwoeyez HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ErylFlynn View Post
Thanks Kalli, I am trying to be patient but it is hard. I think Monday is going to be a good day for some thing new, thinking of having flowers delivered. She always told me flowers made her happy, she never understood why they just did. We had a vase I bought she would put them in. I figure a small note, telling her I love her still, and that I remember they make her happy and want her happy would be a nice touch to remind her I still love her and want to be with her. Past that respect and patience, at least as long as I can. Some time we all have to move on. I would suggest your husband read some of these forums to, he needs to learn about what you are going through. Searching around I have found so much information, and I even ordered some books that sound good. It will help him understand and not take so many things so personal. I even found a good list of things to say to your loved one when they are caught in the depression part of the cycle. That one is bookmarked I can guarantee!! That was always hard for me, what to do, what to say when the woman I love is laying there crying all after noon for no apparent reason. Bipolar disorder is hard on every one, not just the person directly effected. I hope to be one of those stories that are positive and encouraging, my hope is still up we will see how long it stays.
ErylFlynn :

I have followed your posts for the last few days.
you surly have "learned" from your experiences with your wife's BPD.
I commend you for trying to gain more knowledge about the Disorder.
On your side is a postive additude and optimisim.

Look for my New Thread coming shortly.

Oh..and Kalli,my heart is with you.There is alway hope anf faith.

Eyes

Last edited by twoeyez; 03-15-2007 at 05:57 AM.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 06:58 AM   #9
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ErylFlynn HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Thank you Eyes, I wish and hope she finds a way to see that I still love her. I am torn between fighting for her, and giving her space as she asked and may need. I just worry that too much space she will just walk away from me forever.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 07:53 AM   #10
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twoeyez HB Usertwoeyez HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ErylFlynn View Post
Thank you Eyes, I wish and hope she finds a way to see that I still love her. I am torn between fighting for her, and giving her space as she asked and may need. I just worry that too much space she will just walk away from me forever.
Eryl :

Hopefully we can give you some male pointers.
I'm starting my New Thread.Look for you there

Eyes

 
Old 03-15-2007, 09:46 AM   #11
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ErylFlynn HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Actually might need alot of female pointers. Getting through to her and then being supportive is what I need most. More the getting through, showing her I love her and convincing her that things will be better with us, it won't be sexless, it won't be loveless. It will be hard, but we will get through it.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 05:25 PM   #12
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Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Hey there,
I have been in your situation ...
what are you taking for meds again?

If you are bipolar ...you dont want to only be on an anti depressant...
but you need to be on an anti depressant ..with lamictal ..
lamictal is the best mood adjuster.. it would not cause what you are having
If you are drinking with your meds you can become hallucitory and have nightmares ..waking in night terrors ...night terrors is what they call them and I have them when I am on a drug that doesnt fit ...a drug that causes those symptoms


Look online your medications...see the side effects and you will know, because they will have them listed... every known side effect to man on these drugs ..
you are most likely bipolar ..just from what you described ...
however you need to keep checks and balances on your meds ... not only your doctor does ...you tooooooo

my doctor almost doesnt know anything about what he puts me on .. I am pretty much choosing what I want to be on ... I read about the drugs and I kind of suggest to him ...after I tell him whats going on ..and I have even yelled at him for putting me on a drug ..

like Zonegran ..
when it says for side effects that it will cause hallucinations and nightmares ...which explains why I had feeling hullcinations ..
my perception was changed ... the lobe that controls your feeling ... or contact was being anchored down and out of control ... so I needed to come off the drug ...so I weaned myself off with his direction ..
always follow the pdocs direction ...but tell him how you feel ..bring your notes on the drugs side effects in and discuss them with him ..he will know you are fully capable of working as a team ... keep your head up ..
I went through these phases or episodes when I first began treatment .. its hard ... and no one ...and I mean no one believed I had a problem and they made it worse ...until one day my mother saw me do harm to myself and she told me she was getting me to where I will be safe and I refused ...
but she said a coin phrase ..do you want to harm yourself the rest of your life?

and I said ...well I didnt say anything ..but walked away very sad and contemplative ..and I worked with a proffesional ..who worked with bipolar and borderline ...and I was able to stop .. I havent cut for three years ... and I have had treatement for nine years .. its been hard and a struggle ...

your husband should be there for you .. he should not be ignoring you ..and when he comes to comfort you ..dont put him down ..just enjoy it ...
let him know that you feel better now that he is here ... know that he is helping in the way he can ... but your mom had to push him to possibly and let her do that ..because she is helping your marriage ..
he needs to find a way to deal with all of the pain you are going through ..he doesnt want to see you hurt ...and maybe he needs a forum or some emotional support so he can help you

by the way ..
the way you talk reminds me of borderline ...
cutting ... abandoment ..etc.....
you can have bipolar and borderline ..and it is believed borderline is the worst part of bipolar ... so ... bring that up to your tdoc ... I hope you have your own therapist ...and tell her about the cutting in the past and tell her you dont want to cut ..and tell her all your feelings and emotions ...because its the only way you will get better ..communication is key ..they are working for you ..its their job ... and its all jobs to get you better..
you will have to live with this for the rest of your life ...but you dont have to be in misery all the time ...and your marriage can work ..with counceling ..and counciling for him too ...

he probably wants to be supportive ..but doesnt know how ..so he leaves ..which promotes your borderline to become out of control ...
so you need to talk with him ..with out raising your voice and tell him what you need ... you need love ..affection ..extra when you feel icky .... out of place ..lost ..he can try and bring you back ...sometimes a soft touch and a loving voice can take us down from the boiling point ..bring us back ..ground us ..

good luck hun ..
always
nataliejo

 
Old 03-16-2007, 03:20 PM   #13
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Kalliope1981 HB User
Talking Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Hello everyone! First, I'd like to give my apologies to the Moderator. I'm very sorry for giving off another website. It won't happen again and thanks for bringing it to my attention. I must not have really been thinking when I noted that in my last message.

I've been feeling really stable and happy these past few days. The hubby and I went to a bookstore and I bought me a book that helps me understand more of Bipolar and even includes places to write down thoughts and stuff, but I also bought him a book that is specifically written for people with loved ones who have this illness. He's been doing really good at reading and finding out all he can about this and what he can do to help both me and him. He even has a personal counselor now who has been helping him cope and understand what it is I'm going through.

He and I just got back from an hour counseling session with my Chaplain. The therapist I'm seeing downtown is just terrible. My Chaplain asked me if he ever actually tested me for this illness or did he just write out a prescription for pills assuming this is what I have just because it runs in my family. He never gave me a proper diagnostics to determine if I do, in fact, have Bipolar Disorder. I could be suffering from some other mental illness. He suggests I find a list of people who can help me by first actually testing me for BD. He gave an analogy of one doctor who diagnoses someone with cancer without running all the tests, but assumes they have it because someone else in their family has it. Wouldn't you want a second opinion or even a 3rd? I wouldn't want someone to put my arm in a cast when actually it's my leg that's broken. He made very good points in our session.

I'm a little sad that it's possible I may still be lost not knowing what it is I have. I was starting to feel relieved when I could put a name with all the symptoms, but I really should be professionally tested first before allowing all these pills to enter my system. I'm just glad to hear my husband wants to still stand by me "for better or for worse". This is what he said during our counseling session. I wanted to cry, cause' I thought for sure he wanted to find some way out of this. I thought he wanted to find someone "normal", but I see now that's not the case. He loves me so much that he wants to do anything it takes for us to fight this thing. How cool!

Thanks so much, nataliejo, for your wonderful advice. I think I will do some investigation as to what the side effects are for these medications I'm on. The Adderall I'm taking isn't an anti-depressent actually. It's for Attention Deficit Disorder, which I was properly diagnosed with when I was younger. I'm not sure that's that problem. Since I stopped taking 2 Lamicols (a mood stabilizer) a day and swiched it to just 1, I've been feeling happy. I'm going to stick with this pill diet till I see the awful downtown doctor next week. I'm sure he's going to be just thrilled to know I've been self medicating and not taking the pills exactly the way he told me to. I say this sarcastically of course.

ErylFlynn, you and my husband are definitely a rare breed of man. I say this, because a lot of guys would just look for the easy way out as they don't want to overwhelm themselves with this problem, but you are willing to fight too. If your girl gets her spirits lifted by flowers, then please please send them to her.
Even when I'm really down in my manic depressive stage, like when I slammed the door in my hubby's face, called him a bad name and screamed for him to leave me alone, the normal reaction of a guy when receiving this message is, "Oh, I guess she wants to be alone." Mixed signals can be really aggravating especially when your significant other is in this state of mind, but I really didn't want to be alone. In reality, I wanted him to fight back, in a positive way of course, and just hug me. While I was on the floor screaming and acting possessed, the real me inside knew that if he just forced himself to hold me then this would all pass away and the feeling of wanting to hurt someone especially myself would subside. I don't know if this is true of all BPers, but it certainly is with me. When I'm in that mood, I'll say things that I actually mean the opposite of. I can't imagine the pain and terror you men must be going through when you see the woman you love acting in such an awful scary way. My husband admitted to being terrified and clueless as to what to feel or what to do when I have these episodes. He's not afraid of anything, I thought. He doesn't understand, but he is still willing to fight for me. That is the most attractive thing when the man you truely love wills himself to fight even when he doesn't understand. I beg of you not to give up on her.

Are you able to ask your girl what goes on in her head when she has her episodes? Does she feel the same as me? It's really good to ask questions when we're in a stable mood like I am right now and it will really help you guys out in the long run.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope she turns to you for comfort and consolation someday. I'm truely praying for you both.

Please take care of yourselves fellow BPers! I'm always thinking of you and let me know if you need someone to read and take to heart your ramblings. I still can't believe how patient y'all are with mine! Sometimes ramblings are a good therapy. I will always be here for anyone who needs a friend or someone to vent off to. Just so ya know!

 
Old 03-16-2007, 03:45 PM   #14
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ErylFlynn HB User
Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Thanks Kalli, but it seems it is too late. Read my hard times post, I hurt her worse and deeper than I thought when we were unsure what was going on and did not get help in time to be there for her as she got help. I love her so much, and all I can do is let her walk away. I will give the boards a little more time, as I am still dealing with the feelings from my relationship with a woman suffering with bipolar, but I don't belong here much longer. She is cutting me out of her life.

 
Old 03-16-2007, 04:18 PM   #15
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Unhappy Re: Husband seems terrified of me!

Brett? I did as you asked and found your Hard Times Posting. When I reached your girl's messages, I didn't read everything as that is personal between you and her. I suppose some things are inevevitable, but don't lose hope. Please!
Don't think that you are never going to find the right woman for you. I think that it takes past experiences, whether good or very bad, to educate yourself for the next one. It might sound scary to know you have to put yourself on anti-depressants, but in the long run it might just save you. At least you are looking for help and not shutting yourself off from the rest of the world believing that life just sucks and there isn't anything that's going to help you feel better. Hopefully these meds will help you come to an understanding that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know you might want to hunt me down and shoot me for saying that when you're hurting as much as you are right now, but it's the truth.
When suicidal thoughts enter my head in my depressive state, a still small voice in the back of my head tells me I'm not alone and days will get better. There's a reason things happen, but sometimes it's not for us to know right now. Sometimes it's a way to make us stronger in the long run.
I used to be very strong in my Christian faith, but it seems I've been trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and forgetting that there is someone to help me carry all that weight. I shouldn't feel like I can do it on my own and neither should you. I'm not here to try and "save" you, but to just hopefully be a light in a dark place.
There is someone out there meant for you and visa versa and when you two find eachother I want you to come back and tell me how happy you are. Happiness is just a choice away, Brett. Please don't lose hope.

Last edited by Kalliope1981; 03-16-2007 at 04:19 PM.

 
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