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Old 03-29-2007, 08:44 AM   #1
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deedeehurtn HB User
Question just when i thought i can control this!!!!

hey eeryone, i'am sooo upset and mad at myself today cause i just can'
t stop crying and my whole body just feels so tight, i really feels as if i'am losing it- trying to keep it all together--- i guess i've been trying to fake til i can make it so to speak. i wish i can stop crying and feel the way i did the last couple of days. very confused right now. my husband does seem to be reaching out but now i'am not so sure. he called yeaterday at 5:45 and i didn't answer so i called him back about 6:30pm he didn't answer- no message was left. well this morning about 10:15 he caleed said he tried to call me back and my phone was off- which isn't true... then he proceeds to say well where he's living ( campground close to base in our rv ) the other day the manager of the campground had to kick out an PI ( pirvate investigator) he was walkiing around the campground- he said you wouldn't know anything about this would you???? i told him no- first of all i couldn'r afford a PI and second, i'am not playing those games.., so sorry to say i know nothing of the sort and the manager should of questioned him (the pi ) of what he was doing... my husband said well i just thought it was mighty funny after i move in there's a PI walking around here since this is a gated compound!!! ( which it isn't- it's not on base at all- i've been there before when he left???? ) i didn't let him know i was upset, he says ok well have a good day and said our goodbyes. i just fell to pieces w/ this... he's called everyday... and i'am not and would rather die then to let him get me roused up on the phone w/ him or let him know i'am in any pain at all.... i can't do it cause he'll say stop all that drama!!!! as far as he knows and can ghear from my voice- i'am moving forward and i've excepted that this is it... i usually cry,beg,say what have i've done,etc... i don't understand.... i do beleive in my heart that this story is made up. come on a PI is gonna walk around in the open in the middle of the day??? and how did the manager know he was a pi? i feel like he's trying to break me.. the last couple days i thought well maybe he's coming down off his manic stage cause he's been talking real depressed like and from the heart- i thought i could finally see well, i do beleive he's hurting or this is bothering him ??? he did say tuesday night when he called and wanting to talk about the good times we've had,bad, divorce it was so up and down and saying how he hates himself... he said he loved me and misses me... and doesn't want to fight w/ me anymore?????

then this mess today- he sounded real short and to the point but not mean, cause he even said well have a good day.... i don't know what to think? and why in the world can he not call and be open w/ me... i feel like he's sinking and crying out for help- then apart of me feels as if he hates my guts and wants me totally out of his life cause he always ask about if i am gonna fight whatever he puts in the seperation papers or am i gonna contest this divorce,etc.... i tell him no not at all.... i just don't know what he wants and wished i knew of what he is feeling...

the last 2 nights i've had the same dream- it isn't real clear but i receive a call and next thing i know is i'am at the hospital and my husband is there??????
i just can't stop the crying today--- why does this BPD- totally destorys everyone???? why ? it's the worse ever- how in the world can god allow just an awful thing to hurt us? i know i shouldn't question god but this makes no sense it's worse then the war our country is in right now!!!!!! i hate it and i'am getting sooo angry about this bpd...
why can't my husband say to himself - he doesn't like feeling this way and do something about it? seek help--- be like you all here on this forum????
i'am so losing hope right now and i'am so drained... can anyone tell me this?????????
my husband is in his 6th-week- i thought around 6-8 weeks they start leveling off somewhat? coming back around to their normal self!!! he will have normal moods or not? I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!!!

Last edited by deedeehurtn; 03-29-2007 at 09:13 AM.

 
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Old 03-29-2007, 10:07 AM   #2
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

You are right, you cannot control what is happening to you, you need help. Either go to your family doctor and talk to him, or return to your pdoc and explain to him. You are in a crisis, so barge your way into seeing someone as soon as possible. If necessary go to the hospital emergency room.
And quit thinking you can control yourself. You said it yourself, you cannot.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 11:20 AM   #3
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Dee, do not be so hard on yourself. This is a real rollar coaster ride your on and will be for a long time if he does not get on meds. I do not think there is any set time for mania to start and stop. My husband has been teetering back and forth for a loooooong time now. Your husband is probably mixed up with what he feels too. Remember without meds he will think hes right even if he is wrong. DARN this illness. I feel for those with it and those living with it. Dee, don't try to figure things out right now you cant and either can he. Just tell him if he wants to be well he must go see a doctor and get on meds. Hang on girl the rollar coaster is going full force. My thoughts are with you, Dee.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 11:29 AM   #4
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Unhappy Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by michael178 View Post
You are right, you cannot control what is happening to you, you need help. Either go to your family doctor and talk to him, or return to your pdoc and explain to him. You are in a crisis, so barge your way into seeing someone as soon as possible. If necessary go to the hospital emergency room.
And quit thinking you can control yourself. You said it yourself, you cannot.
the heart aches so bad- i wished my husband could see that he needs the help and has bi-polar- i feel as if he's playing a game w/ me. i don't have the bpd---- my husbands does it's been so hard!!!! and i feel as if i;am the one being punished... and he's living a normal life??? why is that fair- he should be having these feelings not me!

 
Old 03-29-2007, 11:38 AM   #5
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Question Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
Dee, do not be so hard on yourself. This is a real rollar coaster ride your on and will be for a long time if he does not get on meds. I do not think there is any set time for mania to start and stop. My husband has been teetering back and forth for a loooooong time now. Your husband is probably mixed up with what he feels too. Remember without meds he will think hes right even if he is wrong. DARN this illness. I feel for those with it and those living with it. Dee, don't try to figure things out right now you cant and either can he. Just tell him if he wants to be well he must go see a doctor and get on meds. Hang on girl the rollar coaster is going full force. My thoughts are with you, Dee.
marsh!!! today i shard i'am really tying to push forward... he talking nice- seems concern and then when we talk i guess i'am wishing (hoping ) to hear look dee i know we need counseling and can we please not talk about divorce and try to see if we can make it w/ help and live apart til we figure this all out???? thats what i want to hear but i know it's got to come from his mouth and not mine... he's the one that's gotta want to say wow am i gonna lose the most important thing in my life? man i really need to do what it takes before she does move on or gets useed to living w/out me... deep down he's got to know what he's done and said and how he's heart me... i keep thinking what emerald said.... marsh--- i can't live w/ this for a long time i don't know how you did it... i'am just afraid he'll never come around??? this is how our life together is gonna end?????? it scares me to death... i haven't let him hear my pain.... or questioned anything- just say ok- or whatever i agree kinda attitude??? i want him to know wow she's not hurting, she's not feeding into this or getting upset or starting an agrument.. eyes told me to break the pattern and then he has no choice but to only answer for himself!!! i feel like i'am dieing inside today- hopless and helpless... how can i be sooo strong then fall right back down????

what do you think of the telephone convo. about the PI? it's as if he's wanting to beleive i'am resisting this or fighting for him? i don't know girl???
what about you?

 
Old 03-29-2007, 11:50 AM   #6
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

That was something about the PI thing. But he probably really thought you hired him. Be prepared for it to be different everyday. Not only will his feelings change from day to day but yours will too. When we first separated things had gotten so bad with his raging that I had to ask him to leave. It killed me but I knew it had to take place. I wanted the person I fell in love with to be with me but he kept getting angrier and angrier. Having to leave home made things so bad for him so I tried tough love and it back fired on me. He became distant and seemed to lose who he was. I feared he might lose his job and then I didnt know what he would do. He would call me at night crying and it broke my heart but I could not say come home I merely said get help and we can be together. It never worked and now I don't know where we are. He is spending like money is water and barely speaks to me yet when he does he says he loves me. How can a person figure this all out? You can't really. Dee, I am so sorry for how you feel.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 12:27 PM   #7
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Dear DeeDee:

I'd like to jump in here, if that's okay. I've read your posts for the past couple days, and I can empathize and identify with just about every emotion you have gone, and are going, through. You are in the eye of the storm right now when everything but everything seems desperate, your emotions are raging, you feel like you are going to implode, explode and go stark raving mad.

I know this because I have recently experienced the worse manic siege from my spouse, and this cycle of mania lasted 7 very, very long, torturous, hellish months. I was served with divorce papers, as many of us spouses of unmedicated Bper's are, he cheated and acted out much worse and for a longer time this go. As I am sure you've been told, cycles become worse the longer they are left unattended to and unmedicated, ummonitored, etc. My spouse will never, ever get medication. So, if it is of any comfort, you are not alone. Now that my spouse is cycling down, I have picked up the ball and proceeding with the divorce. Of course, now that he is coming off the manic, he has changed his mind and said it was all a big mistake. However, I cannot and will not EVER be subjected to what I just went through ever again - ever. It nearly broke me into a million different pieces and like you, was an emotional mess and an absolute wreck.

As far as the PI fairytale goes, isn't it unbelievable how we conatinue to doubt oursselves when they feed us this stuff. You get to a point where you no longer can tell where their projections and reality spins leave off and the truth starts. They all sort of blend together in the mind of someone with bipolar. That's how we get sucked into their madness. Advice, run like hell. It will not get better unless he receives medication, and from the sounds of it, it doesn't seem likely - at this point.

I, too, am pulled every which way when you see glimpses of a kind and loving person -- the problem is it doesn't last. Once you really, really, truly know and accept that it will not change and they cannot control it by sheer willpower, it gives you license, so to speak, and affirmation to let go and get away as fast as you can. It was a slow process for me and took 16 years, with the last 4 - 5 absolutely intolerable. Don't wait that long. You have to dissassociate and disengage to allow some emotional distance between the two of you. Don't talk with him and don't take the bait. Boy, I sure did and it got me nowhere fast and only made me feel that much worse.

You're being battered around like a rag doll right now. Stop by by pullling out and a way. I know, easier said than done - but you will come to a point when you will do it. In your own time when you can finally say enough is enough.

Good luck - I mean it.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 02:05 PM   #8
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Unhappy Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bipolarbear View Post
Dear DeeDee:

I'd like to jump in here, if that's okay. I've read your posts for the past couple days, and I can empathize and identify with just about every emotion you have gone, and are going, through. You are in the eye of the storm right now when everything but everything seems desperate, your emotions are raging, you feel like you are going to implode, explode and go stark raving mad.

I know this because I have recently experienced the worse manic siege from my spouse, and this cycle of mania lasted 7 very, very long, torturous, hellish months. I was served with divorce papers, as many of us spouses of unmedicated Bper's are, he cheated and acted out much worse and for a longer time this go. As I am sure you've been told, cycles become worse the longer they are left unattended to and unmedicated, ummonitored, etc. My spouse will never, ever get medication. So, if it is of any comfort, you are not alone. Now that my spouse is cycling down, I have picked up the ball and proceeding with the divorce. Of course, now that he is coming off the manic, he has changed his mind and said it was all a big mistake. However, I cannot and will not EVER be subjected to what I just went through ever again - ever. It nearly broke me into a million different pieces and like you, was an emotional mess and an absolute wreck.

As far as the PI fairytale goes, isn't it unbelievable how we conatinue to doubt oursselves when they feed us this stuff. You get to a point where you no longer can tell where their projections and reality spins leave off and the truth starts. They all sort of blend together in the mind of someone with bipolar. That's how we get sucked into their madness. Advice, run like hell. It will not get better unless he receives medication, and from the sounds of it, it doesn't seem likely - at this point.

I, too, am pulled every which way when you see glimpses of a kind and loving person -- the problem is it doesn't last. Once you really, really, truly know and accept that it will not change and they cannot control it by sheer willpower, it gives you license, so to speak, and affirmation to let go and get away as fast as you can. It was a slow process for me and took 16 years, with the last 4 - 5 absolutely intolerable. Don't wait that long. You have to dissassociate and disengage to allow some emotional distance between the two of you. Don't talk with him and don't take the bait. Boy, I sure did and it got me nowhere fast and only made me feel that much worse.

You're being battered around like a rag doll right now. Stop by by pullling out and a way. I know, easier said than done - but you will come to a point when you will do it. In your own time when you can finally say enough is enough.

Good luck - I mean it.
thanks so much i guess i really needed to hear that. wow it has been a long time - don't know how you deal w/ it? it's been about a year and 1/2 but the episodes only lasted foe about 6-8 weeks last time about 7 months abgo we went through this and it lasted right at 8- he's on his 6th week now- i thought maybe he was coming down somewhat? well i think the PI story was because i have been and let me tell you it's been hard- trying to diengage myself from him... i always use to cry, and be all pitiful, now i'am strong and to the point when i speak to him on the phone i haven't called himonce-so i think he made that up to get an reaction out of me cause i'am not calling or holding onto him at all... i'am hoping he feels as if i've let go and had enough!!!! this is hard..
i don't think he likes the emotional distance i'am putting between us cause he wouldn't keep reaching out... what i do know is i can't do this, it's been bad about 7 months ago we were apart for 8 weeks, now this, i can't deal w/ it.. and if he loves me and sees there's a problem and if he doesn't want to loose me ot this marriage then he'll do whatever it takes... i can't lead him into that direction he has to find the way himself... i guess that's what i'am holding onto? i am just so broken today when i felt so strong the last couple of days, i've been so sick and can't stop crying all day... i keep having a bad feeling like he's gonna snap or hit some rock bottom, weird dreams? just don't know i'am soooo confused, i just wish he will see somebody and they can tell him about this bp-d.....
letting go is so hard!

 
Old 03-29-2007, 02:17 PM   #9
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Unhappy Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
That was something about the PI thing. But he probably really thought you hired him. Be prepared for it to be different everyday. Not only will his feelings change from day to day but yours will too. When we first separated things had gotten so bad with his raging that I had to ask him to leave. It killed me but I knew it had to take place. I wanted the person I fell in love with to be with me but he kept getting angrier and angrier. Having to leave home made things so bad for him so I tried tough love and it back fired on me. He became distant and seemed to lose who he was. I feared he might lose his job and then I didnt know what he would do. He would call me at night crying and it broke my heart but I could not say come home I merely said get help and we can be together. It never worked and now I don't know where we are. He is spending like money is water and barely speaks to me yet when he does he says he loves me. How can a person figure this all out? You can't really. Dee, I am so sorry for how you feel.
i think the pi thing is because he wants to beleive that i'am still holding on,crying,begging, call, stalking him, worring about his every move, like i did about 7 months ago when he left for 8 weeks, but i haven't and i hope that it's killing him. cause i haven't called him one time- when he calls we talk nice and today when i told him i had no part of that pi thing and i said well i'am sure you're gonna be thinking the worse but i have no time playing games and i've been real busy this week-- he said ok,ok, dee i'am not fighting w/ you i just thought i would ask??? i thoguht about it all day- gosh!!! and i'am hoping my thoughts on this is right... he's calling me alot cause i'am not calling him- i'am not feeding in and i hope sit's driving him crazy- and i beleive maybe that's where this story of the pi came from... i told him i couldn't afford a pi in the first palce since he got 16k out of the bank account last friday?????


another thing my husband has always been a extremely jealousy person--- even over my own girlfriends... un beleiveable jealous- and he hates the fact he doesn't know what i'am doing or talking too 24/7!!!!

marsh-- has your husband ever say to you--- he doesn't know what he's become, and he hates who he is right now, and he's ashamed of himself, and he needs time to figure things out for himself- he needs to make changes for himself???? i was wondering- do they say this? cause mine said all of this not to me but to my fam,ily and to his friends???? could that be some hope?
well i know i shouldn't hold onto anything right now cause i will only be hurting myself when i do this right... i'am an emotional wreck today. i feel so wierd today- like i've been some bad person and i'am being punished....

 
Old 03-29-2007, 02:54 PM   #10
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Dee, I can't write much right now company is here but I will be back later tonight so I hope your on. But a quick reply is my husband has told me he was so ashamed that he often could not face me. He said he could not say sorry enough. BUT he kept doing the same things over and over. It never changed. I will write more later so hang on dear girl.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 03:11 PM   #11
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Dee
I am just wondering, If you have been having these issues for some months, well if like one of the other posts, (from Bi polar bear) well, depends on how much crap you want to put up with. I know you love him, and I am sure he loves you but is too manic to sort his head out right now.

What I can say with my own experience, in the first year I was married I did everything to push my husband away, went a bit manic and even separated, lived with someone else and told him I want a divorce because I didnt love him. (none of which was true but I wasnt on meds as I could not afford them) one day (thanks be to God really, that is the only thing I can say it was a miracle that we got back together)

I never could send the divorce papers because deep down I knew I wanted to stay with him, if he would have me back. Well 3 yrs later here we are. We are doing ok, just I still have BP and can act totally crazy to him sometimes but luckily we got through all that, so what I am trying to say, some people have a larger threshold. I guess we did.

so you have to ask your self it can go either way - do you want to stay positive and hope he changes forever (which right now he wont go on meds so please dont get any false hope - I think that hurts the most!)

Or, you can accept but not LIKE the situation you are in (and a PI? what the hell is up with that? man, I really feel for you!)

so you can hang in there and be misearble, or you can get counseling yourself. Even if you guys get back together, you have been hurt and that is what its for, so you are very emotionally damaged but find yourself a good therapist.

and take yourself to the spa or soemthing relaxing and fun you enjoy to get your mind off it for a bit, why not? You will drive yourself crazy going around in these circles!

I wish you all the best!

lotsa love

Leomia


 
Old 03-29-2007, 04:50 PM   #12
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by leomia View Post
Dee
I am just wondering, If you have been having these issues for some months, well if like one of the other posts, (from Bi polar bear) well, depends on how much crap you want to put up with. I know you love him, and I am sure he loves you but is too manic to sort his head out right now.

What I can say with my own experience, in the first year I was married I did everything to push my husband away, went a bit manic and even separated, lived with someone else and told him I want a divorce because I didnt love him. (none of which was true but I wasnt on meds as I could not afford them) one day (thanks be to God really, that is the only thing I can say it was a miracle that we got back together)

I never could send the divorce papers because deep down I knew I wanted to stay with him, if he would have me back. Well 3 yrs later here we are. We are doing ok, just I still have BP and can act totally crazy to him sometimes but luckily we got through all that, so what I am trying to say, some people have a larger threshold. I guess we did.

so you have to ask your self it can go either way - do you want to stay positive and hope he changes forever (which right now he wont go on meds so please dont get any false hope - I think that hurts the most!)

Or, you can accept but not LIKE the situation you are in (and a PI? what the hell is up with that? man, I really feel for you!)

so you can hang in there and be misearble, or you can get counseling yourself. Even if you guys get back together, you have been hurt and that is what its for, so you are very emotionally damaged but find yourself a good therapist.

and take yourself to the spa or soemthing relaxing and fun you enjoy to get your mind off it for a bit, why not? You will drive yourself crazy going around in these circles!

I wish you all the best!

lotsa love

Leomia

thanks i know... well i didn't realize it was bp til this episode and i stated learning more and his behavior not only did i notice but friends and co-workers as well... well you're right i am going to call tomorrow cause i can no longer deal w/ the pain anymore... he needs to help himself... deep down my husband i know feels like you did.... when he's not like this we are so unseperable.... even calls while i'am at work at least 5 times a day- we travel alot together. we're so open and deep into each other then all of a sudden this comes along and he hates my guts!!! as if i'am to blame for all these problems and everyone is out to get him... i think this is what's eatting me- he has to seek him for himseelf... i've been praying really hard- for what ever it takes klet something a miracle happen to get him to see what's going on.... but i maybe right for saying deep down i feel he already knows what's really going on .... am i right??? gosh thanks so much talking to you i see another light... but i need to seek a doctor, i'am also having servee chest pains all day today and getting dizzy.... i will take all the advise and support you can give... hey you're husband is a great man!!!! give him a kiss from us all...

 
Old 03-29-2007, 05:15 PM   #13
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Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

We have experienced so much of the same except I have been at it a lot longer. I don't know how I've done it either. We hang onto the illusion of what we hope it could be and also those thin slices of "normalcy" we see between the mania and depression. The time it takes to recover between cycles gets longer and longer until there is no recovery; it is no longer possible, there is nothing left to give. My responsibility in all this is I became complacent and I guess accepting of it to a good degree. You get so beat up, you sort of turn in your emotional resignation; that's when you know it has gone too far. You get depressed yourself, feel there is little or no hope, the machinations of breaking up a marriage or relationship seems unimaginable, in both expense and physically, all the steps you need to take, etc. But, you WILL get to that place; and when you're there, you will see that little light at the end of the tunnel. Looks, smells and feels like hope. It is a wicked, nasty disease, but we really don't have a whole lot of wiggle room when we are dealing with someone who is unmedicated. The returns on your emotional investment is never there, is never satisfying and you just get tired of fighting for everything. Being in this type of relationship is never a two-way deal and right now the thought of holding someone else together, holding a marriage together has all but taken everything I have. Sl.owly, you build your resources back and slowly you start to come out of hell. I was right where you are about 1 - 2 months ago. Today, I do feel far better but no where near where I want to me. They don't realize the destruction they leave in their path once the manic cycles down and depression sets it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Anything is possible, and I hope for your sake that maybe you can make it work, but it is NOT for the faint of heart.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 07:00 PM   #14
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Question Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bipolarbear View Post
We have experienced so much of the same except I have been at it a lot longer. I don't know how I've done it either. We hang onto the illusion of what we hope it could be and also those thin slices of "normalcy" we see between the mania and depression. The time it takes to recover between cycles gets longer and longer until there is no recovery; it is no longer possible, there is nothing left to give. My responsibility in all this is I became complacent and I guess accepting of it to a good degree. You get so beat up, you sort of turn in your emotional resignation; that's when you know it has gone too far. You get depressed yourself, feel there is little or no hope, the machinations of breaking up a marriage or relationship seems unimaginable, in both expense and physically, all the steps you need to take, etc. But, you WILL get to that place; and when you're there, you will see that little light at the end of the tunnel. Looks, smells and feels like hope. It is a wicked, nasty disease, but we really don't have a whole lot of wiggle room when we are dealing with someone who is unmedicated. The returns on your emotional investment is never there, is never satisfying and you just get tired of fighting for everything. Being in this type of relationship is never a two-way deal and right now the thought of holding someone else together, holding a marriage together has all but taken everything I have. Sl.owly, you build your resources back and slowly you start to come out of hell. I was right where you are about 1 - 2 months ago. Today, I do feel far better but no where near where I want to me. They don't realize the destruction they leave in their path once the manic cycles down and depression sets it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Anything is possible, and I hope for your sake that maybe you can make it work, but it is NOT for the faint of heart.
you sound very strong and determined. but like you said i tip my hat off to you for putiing up w/ it for so long. wow!!! now did you husband ever try meds. or seek counseling??? maybe i'am so upset today because deep down i feel like i know i can't hold onto hope at all at this point... i've seen this 3 times- the first wasn't really much i thought it was stress of life and we just had a blow up- the second was- he moved out into our rv on a campground again like he's at now and that lasted for about 8 weeks- now 7 mopnths later we're at it again and it's like a repeat except he has alot of emotional messs going on w/ him about to retire from the navy after 25 years and he hasn't been dealing w/ that well at all... he feels some detachment- a fish out of water so to speak.. so he left- it's been about 10 days... but this time i'am breaking the pattern of me crying.begging, calling,questioning him etc. as hard as it is. when he calss which this time he's calling everyday almost and sometimes 2 times a day- he hears no pain in my voice....
gosh today was rough his sister even tried to call him cause she's flying in from pa and wanted to see if they can do lunch or something he was very cold and mean and siad NOPE!!!! so i guess he's treating everyone this way???? i'am worried this time though it seems very scarey- i'am afraid he'll do somethng to himself??? i don't know i just keep having this weird feeling... how long did you're husbands episodes last?????

 
Old 03-29-2007, 07:03 PM   #15
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marshmallow HB User
Re: just when i thought i can control this!!!!

Dee are you here?

 
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