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Old 03-29-2007, 01:31 PM   #1
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leomia HB User
Question what am I , really?

Hey all

just wondering if I can get some advice

about 6 yrs ago I was thought to be depressed then nothing worked so then it was BP and at one point I had a few mos or maybe a year where I got manic.

I havent been since then. (sure if I am happy I get hyper and talk really fast) but usually I am just like ho-hum whatever. not to say I am wicked depressed, right now I am in the middle. But most times I have more lows and havent got the major highs or much racing thoughts

speaking of them, I tend to over analyze and plan things way in the future and every possible scenario of a situation. can that be a form of mania? I always do it!

then if things don't go a certain way I over plan it all again (not that anyone can predict the future of their life and how it all pans out but I do all these lists I guess of things I need to accomplish and save up $ by a certain time.

which is dumb since I don't have a job and am stuck in the UK...

but I did have a great interview today and if I get it (well there I am planning way ahead of myself down to how long I will stay, where I will move, how much I need to save for moving to USA and even down to getting clothes for the job I don't have yet and what they will be. so am I manic? Or just a bit strange and obsessed?

anyways I am on 1 mg clonazapam and 500 depakote and the docs in Uk dont think I am bp and I know that I am and if I am on NO meds I am a psycho! ( I need to stay married, thanks!)

thanks everyone!

Leomia


 
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Old 03-29-2007, 01:46 PM   #2
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Re: what am I , really?

Quote:
Originally Posted by leomia View Post
Hey all

just wondering if I can get some advice

about 6 yrs ago I was thought to be depressed then nothing worked so then it was BP and at one point I had a few mos or maybe a year where I got manic.

I havent been since then. (sure if I am happy I get hyper and talk really fast) but usually I am just like ho-hum whatever. not to say I am wicked depressed, right now I am in the middle. But most times I have more lows and havent got the major highs or much racing thoughts

speaking of them, I tend to over analyze and plan things way in the future and every possible scenario of a situation. can that be a form of mania? I always do it!

then if things don't go a certain way I over plan it all again (not that anyone can predict the future of their life and how it all pans out but I do all these lists I guess of things I need to accomplish and save up $ by a certain time.

which is dumb since I don't have a job and am stuck in the UK...

but I did have a great interview today and if I get it (well there I am planning way ahead of myself down to how long I will stay, where I will move, how much I need to save for moving to USA and even down to getting clothes for the job I don't have yet and what they will be. so am I manic? Or just a bit strange and obsessed?

anyways I am on 1 mg clonazapam and 500 depakote and the docs in Uk dont think I am bp and I know that I am and if I am on NO meds I am a psycho! ( I need to stay married, thanks!)

thanks everyone!

Leomia

hi leomia- i wished i had some answers for you but i really don't. i'am suffering from the pain my husnbands bi-polar has caused me and our marriage. we are seperated as of last friday- he basically walked out. but i do know he puts these strange over extended scarnios in his head some much more fitched then what you seem to be going through and he actuallys beleives them. i've backed away and i feel like this is gonna kill me but i had to back away so he can hopefully seek the help he needs. he mentioned he hated himself, he's ashame, he's embrassed of himself and he knows he needs counseling, if he's received it yet i don't know????

all i can say is you said you want to stayed married well, then you're doing the right thing right now... notice your own signs and stay on your meeds. if you feel it isn't working then talk to your doc...

my husband lashes out and says hurtful things and it's everyones elses fault but his own... you on the other hand seem to notice how you feel... i hope you take care of yourself and know that we're here to support you. stay strong.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 01:58 PM   #3
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Re: what am I , really?

Hi Deedee!

I did used to do those things, lashing out, etc and not knowing what I am doing till its too late. I am lucky I have such a great guy. But, I do know I hurt him bad when I do it, and I really try not to because it doesnt help anyone in the end. I try to be more mindful of it. Sometimes I get in a pissy mood for no reason and I dont know why so when he asks I have no idea to say except I dont know then he is like 'how can you not know' but sometimes (most anyways) I dont.

I am very sorry to hear about you and your hubby. a lot of us BP's do stupid things like that, and the best you can do is let him know that you love and support him and help him to help himself by seeing the right doc, right meds whatever it takes. maybe family counseling as well, so the doc gets your perspective when he is on a roll... I dont know.

well I hope things get better, this is always hard on us as well as our family and friends which we sometimes totally forget about because, we have the problem which most with BP hate the fact that they do.

I know I hate having it, but that doesnt let me wish it away! the docs here seem to think I WANT to have it. What kind of nutcase do you need to be to WANT to live like this? seriously!!!

ok well take care and good luck!

Leomia

 
Old 03-29-2007, 02:36 PM   #4
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Unhappy Re: what am I , really?

Quote:
Originally Posted by leomia View Post
Hi Deedee!

I did used to do those things, lashing out, etc and not knowing what I am doing till its too late. I am lucky I have such a great guy. But, I do know I hurt him bad when I do it, and I really try not to because it doesnt help anyone in the end. I try to be more mindful of it. Sometimes I get in a pissy mood for no reason and I dont know why so when he asks I have no idea to say except I dont know then he is like 'how can you not know' but sometimes (most anyways) I dont.

I am very sorry to hear about you and your hubby. a lot of us BP's do stupid things like that, and the best you can do is let him know that you love and support him and help him to help himself by seeing the right doc, right meds whatever it takes. maybe family counseling as well, so the doc gets your perspective when he is on a roll... I dont know.

well I hope things get better, this is always hard on us as well as our family and friends which we sometimes totally forget about because, we have the problem which most with BP hate the fact that they do.

I know I hate having it, but that doesnt let me wish it away! the docs here seem to think I WANT to have it. What kind of nutcase do you need to be to WANT to live like this? seriously!!!

ok well take care and good luck!

Leomia
glad you still have your support through this... i know how it feels to be the target of my husbands bi-polar and it helps to hear from people like you who are on the other side- i guess in alot of ways we're selfish of our feelings cause we don't know what goes on inside of those who has bi-polar- i am trying to learn all i can so i can better understand and also not hurt as much...
the problem is at this satge/ mood my husbands in he won't go to the doctor- or seek help- can you beleive he actually looked at me last week and said you need to go to the doctor and get on some meds. and you better take them dee???? do you think he sees himself when he sees me? i don't know cause he's been saying he hates himself,what he's become, he ashamed of himself etc. i just wished he would take that step=- cause like you said it tears you up inside right? if i mention a doctor it'll set him off...
he's in his 6th week hoping he;ll come down soon. is there usually a time frame in between moods????? thanks for talking to me.

lol about wanting to have this bp-d???? your right~

 
Old 03-29-2007, 02:47 PM   #5
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Re: what am I , really?

hey dee

well as far as a time frame goes that can vary person to person, there are a lot of people on here who may know better maybe make a new thread to ask that one ...

for me I think it may be a week or less sometimes a little more but I dont think its ever been nonstop for months on end....

that is so bizarre what he is saying that YOU are the one who needs meds!

well if he wont go and do it I guess you cant make him unless you call the ER on him and say he is behaving irrationally and being dangerous if that was the case... there are some ways of getting BPs admitted whether they like it or not, I am just not sure what you would say

then it goes back to the marriage and he would be pretty ****** about it. But even though it would do him good. I guess you cant win. I hope things will get better.

so why is he telling you to go on meds? that isnt a universal 'fix my brain at all times so I can be a robot' cure. people totally use that meds phrase too lightly!

most of the meds is serious stuff you dont want to mess with unless your body needs it and most people react to them at first anyways.

well good luck I really do hope things start perkin up for ya!

take care

Leomia


 
Old 03-29-2007, 04:57 PM   #6
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Re: what am I , really?

Quote:
Originally Posted by leomia View Post
hey dee

well as far as a time frame goes that can vary person to person, there are a lot of people on here who may know better maybe make a new thread to ask that one ...

for me I think it may be a week or less sometimes a little more but I dont think its ever been nonstop for months on end....

that is so bizarre what he is saying that YOU are the one who needs meds!

well if he wont go and do it I guess you cant make him unless you call the ER on him and say he is behaving irrationally and being dangerous if that was the case... there are some ways of getting BPs admitted whether they like it or not, I am just not sure what you would say

then it goes back to the marriage and he would be pretty ****** about it. But even though it would do him good. I guess you cant win. I hope things will get better.

so why is he telling you to go on meds? that isnt a universal 'fix my brain at all times so I can be a robot' cure. people totally use that meds phrase too lightly!

most of the meds is serious stuff you dont want to mess with unless your body needs it and most people react to them at first anyways.

well good luck I really do hope things start perkin up for ya!

take care

Leomia

he tells me that i'am the crazy one not him!!!!! i beleives he sees his reflection when he looks in my eyes and sees the pain he's caused and all the nasty things that has been said to me.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 06:00 PM   #7
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Re: what am I , really?

Hello ladies ~

This is really common with those in the throes of mania...a true "classic" mania, not just the anxiety, irritation, etc. of hypomania. The person thinks what s/he is doing is perfectly correct and that it is everyone else that is wrong. You can point out how illogical this is until you're blue in the face, and you will never convince him/her otherwise (while manic). I can't think of an example with my son to illustrate what I'm talking about, but I've seen it many times. The problem with those of us who are not bipolar is in trying to interpret these actions with rational, logical thought. We think "why is he doing this??" "It makes NO sense." But to the person with BP, it makes complete and utter sense and you will never convince him to the contrary. He says you're the one who needs the meds as a defense mechanism, just to get you to "shut-up about it...."

Leomia...are you questioning now whether you are bipolar? I didn't quite understand your post.

Hugs,
Tsohl

 
Old 03-29-2007, 07:16 PM   #8
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deedeehurtn HB User
Re: what am I , really?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tsohl View Post
Hello ladies ~

This is really common with those in the throes of mania...a true "classic" mania, not just the anxiety, irritation, etc. of hypomania. The person thinks what s/he is doing is perfectly correct and that it is everyone else that is wrong. You can point out how illogical this is until you're blue in the face, and you will never convince him/her otherwise (while manic). I can't think of an example with my son to illustrate what I'm talking about, but I've seen it many times. The problem with those of us who are not bipolar is in trying to interpret these actions with rational, logical thought. We think "why is he doing this??" "It makes NO sense." But to the person with BP, it makes complete and utter sense and you will never convince him to the contrary. He says you're the one who needs the meds as a defense mechanism, just to get you to "shut-up about it...."

Leomia...are you questioning now whether you are bipolar? I didn't quite understand your post.

Hugs,
Tsohl
thanks what i need to do is write this down and keep it w/ me along w/ others i've done to help me through the days like today!

 
Old 03-29-2007, 09:44 PM   #9
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wifeofbp20yrs HB User
Re: what am I , really?

Hi!! I gotta agree w/tshol on this my hubby is bipolar w/pyschotic episodes always gone manic except for the last time back in Janurary. Anyway I have heard that I am the one who is messed up and I am the one who needs meds and etc,etc,etc. It's so exhausting but when the pyschosis kicks in the stories that come out of his mind and mouth would put John Grisham, Stephen King , Brad Meltzer to shame. To bad it messes up our lives that I have no desire to ghost write a novel. Meds are now lithobid,geodone,seroquel and low dose paxil. So right now I am just riding the waves of life.

 
Old 03-30-2007, 06:04 AM   #10
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Re: what am I , really?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wifeofbp20yrs View Post
Hi!! I gotta agree w/tshol on this my hubby is bipolar w/pyschotic episodes always gone manic except for the last time back in Janurary. Anyway I have heard that I am the one who is messed up and I am the one who needs meds and etc,etc,etc. It's so exhausting but when the pyschosis kicks in the stories that come out of his mind and mouth would put John Grisham, Stephen King , Brad Meltzer to shame. To bad it messes up our lives that I have no desire to ghost write a novel. Meds are now lithobid,geodone,seroquel and low dose paxil. So right now I am just riding the waves of life.
well at least he's on something as far as meds... i wish i can get my husband to that point- he he has yet and there's nothing i can do til he sees fro himself. i pray so hard that he'll finally or eventually get tired of us living apart (10) days as of today and gets tired of feeling what he nust be feeling and take a step in the right direction. so riding the waves can be a good thing i guess - so to speak?

 
Old 03-30-2007, 06:27 AM   #11
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Re: what am I , really?

tsohl

yes I was questioning what I AM .... because I never seem to have the highs or the mania, I sometimes get low, lately I have been fine for a few mos in fact but I do know that with trying to lower my dose I was taking .5 in the am and the pm of clonazapam and I had a bad few days so I took the entire 1 mg in the am and seems to be ok.
the docs want me off the meds so I am trying to figure out how to make them see I am BP when in fact what they seem to see is someone basically normal. I am not freaking out all the time or having dillusions and I am no longer depressed. I get my days like any normal human, where I get upset and cry. last time I checked that was just an emotion and we all come equipped with them!

so I guess besides the fact that I have had this since 2001 how can they ignore it? maybe its not as bad as it used to be and maybe a lot was circumstantial adding on the drama of the issue.

or maybe I am cycling.

if you read some of my other recent posts you may get some more of an idea, also because I tend to overthink and try to figure stuff way into the future, which I wont go into as its the first post on this one... I cant think of any other thing I do that seems manic.

anyways thanks for your help as usual!

and dee make sure you are taking care of yourself. How are you feeling today?

try to get some comfort, at least from the fact that so many people have a similar thing going on. I know that doesnt help when you are hurting, but please get some therapy for your own sanity.



take care guys!

Leomia

 
Old 03-30-2007, 06:42 AM   #12
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Re: what am I , really?

Quote:
Originally Posted by leomia View Post
tsohl

yes I was questioning what I AM .... because I never seem to have the highs or the mania, I sometimes get low, lately I have been fine for a few mos in fact but I do know that with trying to lower my dose I was taking .5 in the am and the pm of clonazapam and I had a bad few days so I took the entire 1 mg in the am and seems to be ok.
the docs want me off the meds so I am trying to figure out how to make them see I am BP when in fact what they seem to see is someone basically normal. I am not freaking out all the time or having dillusions and I am no longer depressed. I get my days like any normal human, where I get upset and cry. last time I checked that was just an emotion and we all come equipped with them!

so I guess besides the fact that I have had this since 2001 how can they ignore it? maybe its not as bad as it used to be and maybe a lot was circumstantial adding on the drama of the issue.

or maybe I am cycling.

if you read some of my other recent posts you may get some more of an idea, also because I tend to overthink and try to figure stuff way into the future, which I wont go into as its the first post on this one... I cant think of any other thing I do that seems manic.

anyways thanks for your help as usual!

and dee make sure you are taking care of yourself. How are you feeling today?

try to get some comfort, at least from the fact that so many people have a similar thing going on. I know that doesnt help when you are hurting, but please get some therapy for your own sanity.



take care guys!

Leomia
i'am calling this mornign to get an appointment and yes this does help alot cause it really makes me see things in a different view. i'am afraid this is going to destory me as a person all together, i can't deal with this pain and confusion much longer, i feel like i am the one who needs to be on something.lol

 
Old 03-30-2007, 06:44 AM   #13
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Re: what am I , really?

do you think they tell us we need the meds cause they know deep down they do??? and it's much eaiser to throw it on to someone else?

 
Old 03-30-2007, 06:49 AM   #14
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Re: what am I , really?

YES I do think that! so he is the one who needs the meds silly, not you! the only thing wrong you have is your marriage is falling apart (well I meant that as it IS a big deal but I meant in the sense of you NOT NEEDING MEDS!) because he refused to take any!

so glad to hear that you will be seeing someone to talk it out at least. sometimes it is good for a professional opinion and they may have more options for you. there may be more support. either way , saying it out loud, and be sure to say ALL that you feel but you knew that! will make you feel a TON better!

All the best to you, hon!


Leomia

 
Old 03-31-2007, 02:13 PM   #15
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Re: what am I , really?

Leomia I hope you can figure things out soon so you can feel better. On the topic of the bp saying the other one needs meds that is what my husband always says. He says I need help. Cannot see what he is doing is not the norm. Bizarre behavior.

 
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