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Old 04-04-2007, 07:04 AM   #1
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If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

I am wondering this. I know my bf (ex now, I guess) would have been fired by now. I also see him acting perfectly nice, well mannered and gracious within the same hour that he went on an insulting spree with me.

If it's so out of their control, is it selective? I would love to hear from some of the bipolar people here as well as spouses/partners. Just so puzzling to me. If they can refrain from it then they must have some control so why don't they control it with us...is it an anger thing and we are the target they choose? Why do they want to hurt us?

 
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Old 04-04-2007, 07:10 AM   #2
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

I believe it's because they know their spouse will take it. They wouldn't dare act like that with someone else because they would be put in their place.
Stop taking it! Put them in their place. There is an old saying about you should treat your spouse as nice as you would treat a stranger. Just common courtesy

Last edited by rosequartz; 04-04-2007 at 07:11 AM.

 
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Old 04-04-2007, 07:22 AM   #3
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

I agree. It's like a child who can hold it in all day at school and then just bursts open once in the safe confines of the home. All of us to some extent do our venting with those we love the most -- it is just human nature. It's wrong, but we all do it. You're at the end of your rope -- but you don't have an outburst in public. But once you're home, the first little thing your spouse or child says or does, you explode and it's all out of proportion to what brought it on. The person with BP just carries it way too far --someone on the board says the person with BP knows what he's saying and doing and we should not make excuses, but I'm not sure that's correct. Often the person with BP has no recollection of the incident or even time period.

Amy, don't even try to assign rational thought to this behavior. It just doesn't work. And, yes it is extremely puzzling. When I ask my son about this, he really doesn't know what I'm talking about. So it is kind of a mystery.

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Old 04-04-2007, 07:30 AM   #4
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Unhappy Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
I believe it's because they know their spouse will take it. They wouldn't dare act like that with someone else because they would be put in their place.
Stop taking it! Put them in their place. There is an old saying about you should treat your spouse as nice as you would treat a stranger. Just common courtesy
well last time my husband did this to me i cryed,begged for us to go to marriage counseling,cried why are you saying those rthings, do you mean them etc,etc,etc, i would call 24/7 begging to see him... you name it- i was like a little love sick puppy... well this time- i haven't caled at all, cried, beg, nothing and he hasn't been screaming at me on the phone and being hateful- he's the one that's calling me and talking so nice- and laughing and being really respectful- like he was talking w/ one of his buddies---- i had to break the pattern... i have to let hi stop and think well---- gosh!! dee seems fine and ok w/ life- dee isn't hurting and crying or have him think to himself well is she over this and is going to move on???? maybe i'am playing a game? i don't know? it's hard but i can't let him hurt me and talk to me like this anymore at all... and i thinks that's why he's being so nice and keeping in contact w/ me cause he sees me as getting stronger even if it's on the outside--- i ach each breath i take and i'am being eatten alive inside so much- i cried so hard this am and i couldn't even bring myself to go to work. i'am having a tough time today!!!!! so un controlable but when he called first thing this am, i pulled it together we talked good, i asked if he needed anything and has everything he needed since he has a broken ankle from his motorcycle accident on sunday- he said he was fine ( was hoping he would wanted me to come by and bring him something- wanted to see me) but he said he was fine, but thank you for everything=== so i fell to pieces and now questioning myself why didn't he? why are we contuining to live like this!!!!

 
Old 04-04-2007, 07:38 AM   #5
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

Rosequartz, many times I told him to stop insulting me and he would say he is sorry for all the mean things he has said. Then it would start again and the next week again. You say "stop taking it". I finally did and we haven't spoken in almost 2 weeks. As far as common courtesy, it's not that simple with bipolar people. They can't seem to control it with the ones they're close to.

 
Old 04-04-2007, 07:44 AM   #6
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

Amy I'm well aware of how it is with bi-polar people. I was married to one for 10 years. They can control it if they want to. By saying they can't, you're giving them a license to be abusive. As far as not talking for 2 weeks, I bet it's the most peaceful 2 weeks you've had in a long time......right?

 
Old 04-04-2007, 09:20 AM   #7
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

I think it is because you are letting him get away with it. If I ever mention any of things you seem to accept, my wife would be gone forever, so I do not dare do it. I wouldn't dare to do it at work either.

 
Old 04-04-2007, 09:37 AM   #8
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

Letting someone get away with it...what does hat really mean? I told him he can't keep insulting me. I didn't say "or else" because I wanted to see what would happen but it was implicit that I wouldn't stay. I wasn't going to leave and keep coming back at which point my leaving would mean nothing. I finally didn't let him get away with it, didn't say "or else" just left because he had to know that if he keeps it up, I'm gone.

There are differing opinions on whether or not they can control it. The few bipolar people I know personally explain it like tshol did in one of the posts below. Some say they hear themselves but can't control it and are in a different time and space.

Rosequartz, it hasn't been the most peaceful week because I am struggling with this and he didn't give me constant grief. I would say 95% of the time he was a doll but in between those times I wasn't so happy knowing how unpredictable he was and that there was a very serious problem that neither I nor he was addressing. I am curious since you said you were married, was he on meds and what made you leave him (if you did the leaving?)

 
Old 04-04-2007, 09:43 AM   #9
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy50 View Post
I am wondering this. I know my bf (ex now, I guess) would have been fired by now. I also see him acting perfectly nice, well mannered and gracious within the same hour that he went on an insulting spree with me.

If it's so out of their control, is it selective? I would love to hear from some of the bipolar people here as well as spouses/partners. Just so puzzling to me. If they can refrain from it then they must have some control so why don't they control it with us...is it an anger thing and we are the target they choose? Why do they want to hurt us?

Amy50:

This is a great question, and one that I have struggled with.

I think it is selective to a huge degree, and when I brought this up with some health care professionals, they would simply say "it's the disease" -- no kidding. I think they CHOOSE to behave that way with us; they have enough where-withall to turn it on and off at the appropriate times. I've seen it time and time again in my experience when my spouse will be downright hateful to me and my child, then turn on a dime and be as nice as he can with the neighbor.t. It CAN be controlled and they choose to treat us this way, and that makes it even more sinister. I think its sadistic in nature; sure it's the bipolar but they single us out and don't hold anything back. It's almost a high they get when th ey continue to abuse.

They have to stop hiding behind the disease and stop using it as an excuse; that only goes so far. They have great skill at pulling it all together when it suits THEM. Meanwhile, we're being battered, mistrated and disrespected. Yes, we do have our boundaries, and when they are crossed, the battle starts, because I don't cower. Or, you can be quiet and take it until the storm passes; either way you're up against something so huge and powerful, you need every resource to stand against it.

 
Old 04-04-2007, 09:48 AM   #10
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

amy - no he wasn't on meds, was in-denial that there was a problem......if there was a problem, it was my fault according to him. All I had to do was "give him a child". That would solve everything according to him. I wasn't willing to do it. I wasn't going to raise a kid to think that's how you treat people. We were deadlocked. He threatened divorce regularly over the 10 years we were married, starting within the first year. He finally left me because in his words...."I'm not happy here". I pointed to his head and said "you're not happy here". Leaving me isn't going to make you happy. Having a child isn't going to make you happy. well he left, got married to someone else, had his child, and I've heard from mutual acquaintances, that he's still not happy. But for 10 years he was abusive to me and I wasn't strong enough to leave him, so it was a blessing in disguise that he left me.

 
Old 04-04-2007, 09:54 AM   #11
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

Bipolarbear, you just addressed what was going to be my next question by saying "they choose to treat us that way and that meakes it even more sinister". Exactly...why us, the women (or men) that are so very good to them (for those who are good which seems to be everyone here)? That's the part that hurts me so much. I have done nothing but love him and treat him well. A few days before I left he looked at me and said "Why are you so good to me?" I don't know if there is an answer to why they do this to us...I would like to hear it from someone who does this to their partner, there must be some reason they they can see maybe after it happens. This would help me so much, to know what you're feeling when you're lashing out.

 
Old 04-04-2007, 09:58 AM   #12
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

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Old 04-04-2007, 10:12 AM   #13
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

Amy, my husband told me why he is only abusive to ME. He said because I am the only one that bugs him. How's that for an answer?

 
Old 04-04-2007, 10:19 AM   #14
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy50 View Post
Bipolarbear, you just addressed what was going to be my next question by saying "they choose to treat us that way and that meakes it even more sinister". Exactly...why us, the women (or men) that are so very good to them (for those who are good which seems to be everyone here)? That's the part that hurts me so much. I have done nothing but love him and treat him well. A few days before I left he looked at me and said "Why are you so good to me?" I don't know if there is an answer to why they do this to us...I would like to hear it from someone who does this to their partner, there must be some reason they they can see maybe after it happens. This would help me so much, to know what you're feeling when you're lashing out.

There really is no answer that satisfies us. We are trying to add logic to the illogical. It goes against everything we intellectually know. It goes against the old adage, you get back what you give! Ha - not when you're involved with an unmedicated bipolar person. There is just an inherent injustice to this disorder, and it doesn't play fair.

I think I would have felt better if my spouse was mean to everyone; then I wouldn't have felt singled out. But to see him pick and choose - and choose to torment his family - is just evil. There is no hope to sustain a marriage in my case, because after all this time, he is no closer to going to a doctor and getting meds than he was 10 years ago --- in spite of tanking his family and finances, on the verge of lhaving to sell our home and start over. It's a scary propostion and one that I never wanted to go to,; but a this point, there is NO choice.

If it helps, you are not alone. I've seen my spouse morph from evil to Mr. Rogers in a split second. Don't tell me they can't control it --- ONLY when it suits them. You have to wonder what sadistic streak resides underneath the facade, one that was pre-existing and always there and is only exacerbated during mania.

 
Old 04-04-2007, 10:23 AM   #15
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Re: If BPers Can't Control Cruel Words To Us, Why Are They Fine With Other People?

The question itself, contains the answer. If he is able to control his anger with everyone but you, then there is something about you, that allows his anger to erupt.
To ask someone who abuses someone he purports to love, to reveal what he is thinking when he does that, is, I think, an invasion of privacy; and this is not the type of forum for it.
If you are asking if bipolar people are aware of what they are doing, yes, they are aware. They are aware enough to only lash out at certain time, and only with certain people.
From your posts here, I think you are really asking for solace for yourself, for why you were hurt. And that is fine. But just ask for it.
Listen to what BiPolarbear says. She knows.

Last edited by michael178; 04-04-2007 at 10:25 AM.

 
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