Supporter Blues - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Bambam2 · 04-19-2007, 11:38 PM

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. There are many good things about our relationship and I love him very much. We had a very short engagement. Several weeks after I married, I notice unexplainable behaviors in our relationship. I brought them to the attention of our counselor. After many visits over the last 5 years, the counselor feels that my husband exhibits classic symptoms of being bi-polar. My husband will not come to terms with that idea and refuses to be properly diagnosed so that he can receive treatment.

He left in February during what seems to be a manic episode and has only recently started to communicate regarding matters of business. My attempts to communicate with him have been minimal during this episode in hopes that he will come to some normal state where he can process clearly.

I am feeling guilty because until recently, I did not understand BP so when his thinking became confused or he experienced dilusions or gandious thoughts, I would get escalated and angry in an attempt to "fix" his thinking. I've said some horrible things along the way and very abusive. Most of it was out of fear and frustration of knowing that something was awry but not fully understanding why or where it was coming from.

After reading and learning, I now know that his behavior is part of the disorder. I feel as though I have contributed to pushing him away (possibly for good). And yet I know that his reasons for leaving are very much part of the confused state he is in.

For example: My husband will conjure up a belief that someone does not like him or is out to hurt him. That someone could be me, my grown children, somebody he works with, etc. When I ask him to describe the action / issue that supports his believe, he cannot. He will says alot of stuff but cannot get to a specific action/issue that supports the belief. I get so frustrated and go into this interrogation mode and try to push him to describe the action/issue and then I blow because there is none. It's delusional thinking and I'm trying to fix it! Same thing happens with his grandios thinking. I try to push him to tell me the facts or truths that support his grandios thinking or fantisies.

Does anyone else battle or struggle with trying to overcome the twisted/confused thinking of the un-medicated BPer? What strategies work when thinking is delusional or confused? What can I do to help me so I don't get so angry and blow?

All of this makes me feel like I have not been a loving supporter.

Bam Bam

tsohl · 04-20-2007, 12:44 AM

Hello BamBam,

This is a difficult question. Actually I'm not sure I understand what you are asking.

If your husband remains in denial or refuses to even have an evaluation, you do not have much hope for much improvement in your situation. It would be highly unusual for him to stop having manic episodes in the future if he remains unmedicated. He will continue having more frequent episodes and the symptoms may become worse and worse as he ages. That being the case, what do you do.

I guess you have to figure out if you're willing to continue living with an unmedicated bipolar.

My answer to most things pertaining to BP is to learn as much as you can about the disorder, the available treatments, and about the medications that are used in treatment. When he comes down from the mania, you will have a better chance of trying to communicate with him. This would be the best opportunity you will have to try to get him into treatment, or at least evaluated. There is no point trying to convince him of anything when he is manic. It seems to be the nature of the beast to be oppositional during this time. You will make no headway and may even make things worse.

I just realized how tired I am. I'm going to stop writing for now. Let me know more specifically what you want to know, and I will try again! In the meantime others may post who have a better understanding of what it is you are asking.

xxxTsohl

marshmallow · 04-20-2007, 04:19 AM

Bam Bam, yes there are many of us on the message board with similar problems to yours. Check out the thread "Just when I thought I could control this.!!!!" There are quite a few wives on there dealing with or have delt with what you mentioned. I have been there and I know the frustration of trying to figure it all out but the reality is you really can't because it is an illness and if they do not get the needed help it will get worse. I tried to fix things too but it didn't work because my husband refused to take meds or get treatment. I wish you the best and know there are many here to support you and help in anyway they can. I am sorry your going through this.

deedeehurtn · 04-20-2007, 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bambam2

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. There are many good things about our relationship and I love him very much. We had a very short engagement. Several weeks after I married, I notice unexplainable behaviors in our relationship. I brought them to the attention of our counselor. After many visits over the last 5 years, the counselor feels that my husband exhibits classic symptoms of being bi-polar. My husband will not come to terms with that idea and refuses to be properly diagnosed so that he can receive treatment.

He left in February during what seems to be a manic episode and has only recently started to communicate regarding matters of business. My attempts to communicate with him have been minimal during this episode in hopes that he will come to some normal state where he can process clearly.

I am feeling guilty because until recently, I did not understand BP so when his thinking became confused or he experienced dilusions or gandious thoughts, I would get escalated and angry in an attempt to "fix" his thinking. I've said some horrible things along the way and very abusive. Most of it was out of fear and frustration of knowing that something was awry but not fully understanding why or where it was coming from.

After reading and learning, I now know that his behavior is part of the disorder. I feel as though I have contributed to pushing him away (possibly for good). And yet I know that his reasons for leaving are very much part of the confused state he is in.

For example: My husband will conjure up a belief that someone does not like him or is out to hurt him. That someone could be me, my grown children, somebody he works with, etc. When I ask him to describe the action / issue that supports his believe, he cannot. He will says alot of stuff but cannot get to a specific action/issue that supports the belief. I get so frustrated and go into this interrogation mode and try to push him to describe the action/issue and then I blow because there is none. It's delusional thinking and I'm trying to fix it! Same thing happens with his grandios thinking. I try to push him to tell me the facts or truths that support his grandios thinking or fantisies.

Does anyone else battle or struggle with trying to overcome the twisted/confused thinking of the un-medicated BPer? What strategies work when thinking is delusional or confused? What can I do to help me so I don't get so angry and blow?

All of this makes me feel like I have not been a loving supporter.

Bam Bam

bam bam there's no fixing anything - they have too, and only they. i'am in the exact same boat your in except my husband says nasty things and i feel he's like in a flight or fight mode- he filed for a divorce but yet is being very un civil and vindictive- alot of rage and anger- deep down i don't think he wants this- last summer i went through this w/ him and it lasted 8 weeks to the day- then he called and it wass finally my husband talking w/ heart and compassion- but i didn;t know much about bp- then and right now it's everyone else and not him. he tells me i need help and he's fine... i'am in so much pain and hurt i love and miss him a so much and can pray that he'll snap out of this very soon, before it is too late- but right now we are heading for divorce.. i was like you- i thought it was me- i was mean- i was saying all the things you are now last time.. has this happened before? is he just now starting to contact you? is he talking divorce or wanting this marriage over? so this has been goin gon for 2 months now right? well mt husband is in his 9th, week and we've been apart for 31 days as of today- and it's still getting worse- i'am afraid he's pushed too far to where he won;t turn back, we both have a lawyer now, i had to retain one to protect myself, i had no choice and i don;t know what to do except give him what he wants and live w/ this. tell me more about your situation, it's so hard- i'am into a million piece and so afraid we have so lost each other to the point he doesn't know how to find his way

emeraldeyes114 · 04-20-2007, 03:08 PM

Dear Bam Bam,

I am sitting here trying to think and it has taken me a bit. Sort of like the snail stuck in molasses trying to win a race with a hare. Anyway I notice that it may or may not pertain to you that you are a caregiver more so then a joint partner. There are things and illnesses in life that cannot be fixed by some magical thing or potion or hope. I wish it were that easy but it isn't. Education is a wondrous thing and learning about bp as Tsohl has mentioned is very important. You will start to see things and it will click much for you. I do agree that this a figure out just how much you can handle. It is one thing to love someone it is another to drown with them when you can't save them. I hope for his sake that he will find that time when treatment will be an option for him. That would be the best thing for him. But I also think you need to take care of yourself and allow yourself breathing room. This board is one way to do so and yeap there are a couple of threads here that are bp spouse/significant other based. Those may be of great interest and/or support to you. Also being a support person for someone doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have feelings or to be so frustrated. We all are only human Bp or not. Find a way to channel that frustration into something constructive and find a way to give yourself some de-stress time. That is so important in this type of relationship. I have been on both sides of the fence and so for me it was different in some ways and in other just as difficult.

Take care of you.

Eme