leomia

Marsh I am so sorry how sad you are feeling. I feel so sad for all of you who are hurting.
I will try to address how we (BPs) might feel toward you normal people (whats it like to be normal, how I wish to be!!

it would solve all the world's problems. oK some anyways. Why do some of us get born with such defects? (rhetorical question, God himself knows!)

"When I said things to my husband he often took them as personal assaults and they never were." I would say I think that sometimes of my hubby, then again I am on here, admitting my issues and needing more meds, so that is where we must differ your hubby and me. If he wont admit it then there is nothing else to do. I appreciate how hard this must be for you. Did I tell you I almost got divorced but realized I love him too much I wont let mistakes in the past ruin it, so I prayed my head off that first and second year and here we are now, not at all perfect, but at least able to say sorry (ok sometimes!)

"I love my husband more than you know but here I am taking out divorce papers because he won't get help and blames me for everything."
I understand why you are doing what you feel you need to - only so much that you can allow yourself to be hurt by. And from another thread the spitting on you? Wow you do have it terrible, I am so sorry. I once punched him in the nose but he was after recovered, more glad to know I can handle my own. and he had about 25 beers on our first christmas and was being so mean to me. so I jsut did what my brain said to do. Not excusing it. I feel bad about it but its in the past...

"You are trying so hard and I admire that very much. He will have to have more understanding of bp maybe before he will see what is going on."

again marshmallow, you are right. I wish your hubby would get some help, and I wish Dan would come and see what is happening on these. I wish he would understand me more then maybe he would not have to pull it out of me (I would love to communicate if only I knew what was wrong the minute it becomes wrong, ya know? I take a while to process the reasons why. and that ****es him off I think)

I get to the point where I blame myself. Maybe in the midst of all this stuff that I dont understand, if I was normal I would? I am not sure.

I jsut wrote this to a friend, easier to copy than type it up again:

Last night, dan said is not because he was merry (aka in my book a bit closer to drunk - but I think it was, most all fights start from there. But he assumed there was a problem, I kept saying there wasn't (not to mention the fact he would rather do anything then act like a hubby if you get my drift unless he feels some obligation which makes me think ok am I a fat ugly freak or what?

so one thing led to another I finally got so sick of his BS I threw my ring at him (evil I know, I cant help it sometimes) and later we both ended up crying trying to decide if we are right together and he siad "he is such a sucker he will put up with all my **** just dont throw the ring that hurts too much" I said "no you are not a loser, I dont love losers." I guess we need marriage counseling and I know I do my share of badness - reason why I end up hating myself and thinking why the hell does he waste his time loving me he can find anyone else who is nicer to him with out BP!

arrrggghh rage! life really is hard sometimes.

so that is basically how I feel - I am on some meds but they dont work. very low doses as what I was on if you recall was making me feel dizzy and drunk, not sure if you saw that post. so at least now I can walk but I am feeling so insane and uncontrolable rage happening inside for various reasons.

...Including I cant work because I keep trying, and not getting the job so now I am gonna try to freelance see if that works I hope so we are so broke we are at a ramen noodle/pasta or very cheap food (why does being healthy cost so much?) stage for 2 years, and that is not helping weight either!which makes me feel worse about myself
... and the money is tight bill collectors always yeling at us.. etc. and I just want to move back home (USA (Massachuestts or nearby at least)
...but he needs a visa so how long will that take and I havent been back since I got here. so sometimes I curse the fact that I met him on a study abroad and he is british and I am american (because of immigration and country hopping 3 times well thats not cheap! just has been so hard. But I love him.

Good luck to you Marsh! keep your chin up!
I will keep you in thoughts and prayers!



Leomia