After reading a little bit about BPD I've been wandering if my Fiance has BPD.
She is very quiet around anyone that is perceived to be in authority. Around people our age, she is outgoing and talks like any other normal adult. When we visit my parents house, she simply sits there, and whispers stuff in my ear that she wants to say out loud but wishes that I would say it for her. She is very sensitive to Criticism; she gets upset over the smallest point of negativity towards her and a lot of the time rebukes the criticism.
She is very quiet and I'm sure to outsider is perceived as being "rude" or "unfriendly". But an hour with her and shes speaks normal like anyone else would.
That I can remember, she has only had 1 breakdown/mania(I think). Basically, she was wanting to surprise me, and I walked in without calling before I came home and it messed the surprise up. She cried and cried and screamed and acted like a child who didn't get the toy they wanted. Its the only time that I can think of where she has actually had an "Episode". This happened about 8 months ago, and has not had another time in the 4 years we have dated. Maybe she was just having a bad day
I'm not sure if this is something caused by the environment she grew up in, or if its BPD or something else. During High school/collage she was always an average student as I was. I've heard her say many times that she feels like her parents are not proud of her and are only proud of her sister because she is smart. She has trouble having confidence in her answers, and I believe that is directly related to growing up feeling lower than her sister.
She has trouble making decisions, most of the time her answers are "I don't know, I don't care, whatever you want to do, etc". It gets extremely frustrating sometimes. I love her very much and only want to help her.
A couple months ago we postponed our wedding because she was having cold feet, I'm not sure if its because of having BPD or something else because she didn't feel confident she was doing the right thing. She told me she didn't feel confident, which hurt me quite a lot. She has told me that she made a mistake wanting to postpone and that she wants to marry me, But when I ask her "When" she says "Whenever you want to". Kind of hurts, but that may just be her personality. She doesn't like it when I bring up what happened in the past.
It has been a hard last couple of months, but I still love her and we are trying to move on. But I need to know what is wrong so I can help. Do you think that this is BPD? And if so, are there ways of helping, because I know she would not want to see a Doctor about this.
Rider, If is is BP them the only way to get a diagnosis is to go to a doc. ~you can take a self diagnosis on web md or something but there is even a disclaimer on it saying to see a pdoc.
How was her personality at first, did you notice any of these things?
If she does have it she will be needing meds and have to go to the doc. I dont think it sounds like she meant to hurt you but she must be going through something anyways.
That episode if it was the only one could mean if it is BP then its not full on mania, so maybe its type II which is less severe and mistaken for depression usually. Does she act very sad a lot?
I have BPII and hate being criticised and will cry about it, also at first I am shy when I meet someone but after a while I will talk normally. Maybe she was brought up with the idea, "children should be seen and not heard" or something like that? Myself I have had people think I was rude when really I was just shy. But after 4 yrs I think she would be fine with your family after a few months! Unless there are always ten of them around or something.
It is hard to compete with a sibling. I did what I thought was right but didnt get the credit I thought I deserved .. maybe that is a BP thing also always wanting some sort of "praise" if you will.
In order to have your wedding she needs to be mentally ready as well. Or it will be really hard. She needs to be able to admit she may need help with something and let the psychiatrist diagnose what it is she has. It could very well just be cold feet, shyness and a bad day. I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted on what happens!
I assumed he meant bi polar disorder since this is the bi polar forums. Maybe because of the episode she has had. But anxiety can be a really easy answer too and easier to treat. that is so common, I didnt think of it. DUH!
Well maybe she is .... GOod luck again Rider!
Im not trying to label her as anything. I love her very much and am trying to understand if its something that is wrong or its just Shyness I guess.
When i say "BPD" I meant bipolar, never heard of the personality disorder you are refering to. The episode really scared me, and after the wedding postponement it has caused me to think things. Im sorry to come off that way that Im trying to label her. This is not my intent.
I didn't think it was a label, a lot of people ask this question of a loved one. Which means, that you do love her and want the best for her. Look under the anxiety disorder thread and maybe copy what your wrote here and post it there and ask if that is anxiety. Again only a doc can say but if she was only like this once, maybe she had a really bad day and maybe its anxiety. But BPs suffer with Anxiety. A lot of people have a few symptoms of a few things.
at the end of the day there is not such the same social stigma to it, its a mood disorder. 6 million Americans have it, and how ever many more every where else (web MD says that and there an American site, so thats all I know...!)
has she ever had depression even? If you know? Explain more of what she was like when you first met.
a few great people to give advice I hoep they read this, are Eyes, Goody, and Tsohl. They have a lot of experience with things like that and their input would help you a lot I think
We met the first day of college. She was shy in class and shy around me. She would answer the teachers questions and thats about it. I knew her through church in a round about way.
First couple of dates she was quiet, but nothing out of the ordinary. I havnt dated many people so I didnt know what to expect. For the first couple of years she loved kissing/making out, over the past year or so this has dwendled down to near nothing.
It has always bothered me how she doesnt like to speak in public. Even around me, when shes on the phone with one of her friends/mom, she likes to be alone, I cant even be in the room.
She does infact get depressed sometimes. Its never severe depression, but it is infact depression. The first couple of years she would tell me shes "Not happy" but "doesnt know why". This has seemed to stop the last year or so.
Her father is clinicly diagnosed with depression, and takes medicine for it.
We both have a deep faith in God. This is one of our greatest strengths.
Well pray for whatever the situation is for Him to fix it. I believe too! And yes that is one major thing that will get you through many things. Maybe she has a really shy social phobia of some sort. Any way you can say because of the depression and her anxiety (dont use that word maybe?) around social things (like the phone for instance) say you would like her to go to the doc or take a test on line to see what it says to see if it recommends a certain thing to ask the doc. Go on Web MD> and they have a lot for Bi Polar as well as depression and other anxiety have her try a few and say her symptoms sound like they aer classed in a few locations but you want to make sure she is well because you care. Just a precaution, BPs tend to get very worked up (as you mentioned with criticism) so tread softly! But you sound like you already know that.
where did you guys go to college? I am from MA but live in London until my hubby gets his greencard then we are going back home. will say a prayer for you guys!
Dont sweat it, just pray before you do it! If you plan to marry this woman, then you need to be able to talk about absolutely everything. Maybe start it that way, say to the effect of we need to be completely open, and sometimes I feel (use "I feel sometimes that..." as it makes anyone less on the defensive) then you can slowly get into the topic such as her shutting you out of the room when she is on the phone
(make sure you say if its personal to her then its fine, but if its just hello how are you mom? miss you lots etc, then there is not a reason you cant be there unless she has a personal issue in which case you would like to know only to help, as you are to be her hubby!)
then you can lead on into "well I feel sad that I cant help you when you are sad, maybe you are a little tiny bit depressed or anxious (like when you are so shy I worry that you are not liking people when in fact it is your shyness and I just want to help your self confidence), what if we went to a doc and they could counsel us together or something" ... and of course let the doc find about the manic and shyness episodes.
There are also many great books out there to help her if she is shy or has self confidence issues, I just read one called "the confident woman" by Joyce Meyer, it is of a Christian persuasion depending on what you are into so you said you pray so I guess I assumed that meant you might believe that but then again everyone may have their own god to pray to so dont be offended if I was wrong. there are others, one called Mind over Mood (not religious) I know its white and green not sure who by but look on amazon and you will find it, and you guys will find help there if she is not wanting to see a doc right away. I would suggest it before the wedding. And wait until she is mentally ready and willing to pick a date, if you arbitrarily pick one it may not be best for her. Good luck to ya!
Well I tried. It didnt go as bad as I thought it would thought. She didnt get mad, she just said there is nothing wrong, and she doesnt need a doctor to tell her that there is something wrong because theres not.
I do think it hurt her though that I think there is something wrong. I could tell on her face that it hurt her. I told her that it would help her get over the fear of making wrong decisions. And help her be able to have more confidence in social situations. Basically said "im good". I did expect this the first time I brought it up and she didnt get as upset as I expected.
I hope im doing the right thing. I love her, and I just want her to be happy, But I also need to be happy.
I wonder if you have consider couples therapy or counseling? Often a therapist will work with both of you at the same time. At some point if the counselor doesn't pick up your fiancee's shyness, you would be able to bring it up in a session. Maybe she'd be more receptive to it if she thought it was so your marriage would get off on the right foot, so to speak.
From what you've described, it does not sound to me like she has bipolar disorder. It sounds like a lack of self-confidence and either shyness or social anxiety. She may not perceive this to be a problem and is used to running her life in this somewhat restricted way. Perhaps there is a pastor who could get you going with some counseling??
But just as with any disorder, if she doesn't feel she has a problem or doesn't wish to change, you would most likely just be wasting your money.
You're both pretty young to be getting married. Maybe it would be a good idea to wait for awhile. If this things about her personality bother you now, it will probably only get worse as you both get older.
Well at least it didn't go so bad so thats one part good. Make sure you encourage her a lot know as to how much you love her. I got married when I was 23 and my hubby was 21. (we are only a few years into it anyways) It was very hard at first, as marriage is hard, but the first 2 years are usually the hardest. I am sure you have heard that.
Couples therapy also sounds great. well also, how much is her personalty bothering you? If you have been together 4 years I am guessing you must have seen most of it already? You said she has lived in AK 8 yrs - did you know her all of that time too? If so then you must have known about these things right? Either way are you only getting worried now because she postponed the wedding?
It sounds like some kind of anxiety, women dream about their wedding day so to put it off and say "I don't care you pick a date" doesn't sound normal but this is not her fault. It is nice that you are trying to help her do some research and a lot of people don't see a problem if they are used to something. Maybe just say you would like pre-marriage counseling to make sure everything will go off ok because it does take a huge adjustment to being married then when your single. (single as in not married I didn't mean engaged)
well good luck and let us know if she is open to couples therapy or anything.
Last edited by leomia; 05-01-2007 at 04:45 AM.
I've known her for almost 5 years now, she has been this way the whole time. It didnt bother until the postponement. I guess because I think her shyness had something to do with postponing. We went through counsling. Of course when we did it with our pastor, he knows she is somewhat shy, and didnt catch anything wrong if there is anything wrong.
I have to me, what is pretty bad depression the last couple of days. I think that is what has caused me to come to this board.
We have been through couples counsleing already, and it went well. We did it with our pastor at church. Maybe before next time we can have another couples counsling with a therapist.
Im beginning to wonder if my worry is from my depression. The last 2 or 3 days have been the worst I've had it since we postponed (Feb). I figured it would get easier, but I guess it comes and goes.
Rider, that is great you had counseling but a pastor is teaching you things like what it means to be married, and what the job of each person is ... in being married and what to expect, and what God's view on it is, etc.
However unless your pastor is swaying in the mentality of depression or anxiety or any other medical help then he may not have caught it. I tried getting counseling from my pastor before but it didn't help for what I need it to.
Then again maybe you are right, maybe you are depressed about the postponement, as well you are having a right to! I would too, and most people would. I don't know what religion you are but see if she is open to read that book, it doesn't outright focus on mental issues but is a way of building confidence. I guess if you tell me more about what you believe or what religion it is I can tell you more about the book, (or just look on amazon!)
but in no way do I ever want anyone to take that as preachy. The fact that you guys saw a pastor was good.
tell me more about what he said to you guys.
if you are depressed tell her you are or you think you are and can she come with you. Then you both get to say what you both feel and you may feel that if your sad that maybe she has a problem but it could be both of you or the other one with the problem . It gets confusing! so hang in there, and let us know. And if you are depressed then this is the right place to come. Maybe you can explain more of your depression? it may well be a temporary thing not a label as it is because of the wedding being postponed. So that is hard.
Good luck and let us know!
[FONT="Times New Roman"][SIZE="2"][SIZE="1"]Hi Rider 0375.
As you can see elsewhere on this Board, I am asking the same question as you, but about my wife. I certainly can't answer your question. But the good news is that I see very little similarity between your finacee's behaviour as you describe it, and that of my wife (who, I emphasise, has not been diagnosed with BP - at least not yet - since I can't get her to agree to see a pdoc - but I suspect she is a BPer). But what I will say is that if you are already harbouring doubts about her mental state (albeit for the right reasons - to get her some help) you need to think long and hard before committing to marriage. I hope you won't mind me saying this - I know it's not what you were asking for help with and is, strictly speaking, irrelevent here. I'm one of these old-fashioned guys who believes marriage is for life - "Till death do us part ..." and all that. If you are the same, then you absolutely need to assess - if you can - if, in addition to your love for your fiancee, your strength of character, personality and mental situation are strong enough to carry you through a long marriage with a troubled spouse (if in fact she is troubled and not just a shy, less-than-socially adept person). This is where I can speak from experience - for this type of relationship frequently alternates between hell on earth and periods of reasonable happiness or normality. It can cause you to be in a near-permanent 'fight-or-flight' state of mind, which is not at all to be recommended, and can affect your behaviour and interaction with other people - especially at work. If your fiancee really is troubled, and you do actually marry her, only to find at some future date that the emotional burden is too much for you, and love is no longer enough, then there is the risk and deep distress (for her as well as you) of you separating from an already troubled lady who may possibly be left with children. No elaboration needed from me.
Just be careful, Rider, if you are having serious doubts (I don't mean the usual traditional doubts guys have before marriage) at this stage, you need to properly address them. I hope you'll be able to draw comfort, and maybe some enlightenment, from this Board, and I truly hope your fiancee doesn't have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, or anything, wrong with her.
That's a great post, Ron. That's what I was hinting at, but you laid it out clearly and said exactly what I had been thinking. Forever is a long time to be married if you already have some doubts before you set out down the road. Changes are, it's not going to get any easier as the years go by, right?
No worries, I will not jump into something before everything is properly addressed. Before next time I will make sure we see a therapist for counceling.
One thing though, i'm not having any doubts about marrying her. Im committed to helping her get things resolved so that she can make a clear decision. Like I said, before postponing our wedding, I never had these thoughts, for 4 years, and I wonder if its related to going up and down in depressed states after the fact myself.
When I talked to her about it last night, I kind of felt rediculous, like "do you really think something is wrong, or is it just yourself going through depression trying to make excuses for what happened in the past, trying to find a reason WHY she got coldfeet, even though she said it was a mistake".
One thing that must be addressed is the shyness around my family. I do think this has something to do with the way her parents were when raising her. She acts timid around them.
I would hope in 4 years I would come to find all of the issues, and over 4 years I havnt seen anything to big to be worried about except the 1 outburst that I talked about earlier. I will make sure we get couples therapy from a licensed physician before next time.
I just hope I can get through this depressive stage. They usually only last a few days....
Rider good luck. I think you are doing the right thing. I can see how devoted you are to her. I can see why it will make you sad and depressed but I would say since you don't know if there is something with either one of you while the postponement is still active might as well use the time to get a benefit of therapy for the both of you together and go through it all with a decent therapist. I really hope you can come to the bottom of this. and what did you say last night and how did she take it? A little confused on that.
But yes after 4 yrs she should be best friends with your family!!!! Hang in there, we are rooting for ya!