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jgr01 · 05-12-2007, 11:04 AM

Hi all,

well, I'm pretty screwed up at the moment. Have no idea what state I'm in apart from it feels just like when I was mixed last year after my father committed suicide. I have his mother coming to stay next week which is tough. We hardly know each other, she's an alcoholic and disabled too (just like my dad) and really rants on about my mum and step dad. But I'm all she's got. My OH is off to Jamaica with a friend who has been living with us for 2 yrs through his awful divorce which just came through. My marriage/life is a mess. I've been off work 14 mths and now another 12. 2000mg depakote and now they want to add seroquel. Our friend has his 40th tonight. I'm all dressed ready to go. I know there will be alcohol - i'm drinking now after spending all day in bed trying to get peace - you know, unknot those ties in your stomach - I know there will be drugs. I WILL STAY OFF THE COKE. I feel like *****. Scared I'll be agrophobic, scared about next week, scared about my life. What i should do is stay in, stop my gran coming for a week and lay low. But i will let her down. I will let him down when he is celebrating his end of a bitter battle. Why can't we just think of ourselves? Then again, i hate to succumb to this illness. So often it robs us of what we were and what we enjoy. BTW I've never been a big drug user just a recreational in control acting like mum to all the others. Well apart from before I was diagnosed and then i have no idea what i was like!!!

Sorry, I know what you're all going to say. I'm just frustrated and fed up feeling like this for so long. i used to be a managing director. i used to be confident, independent, fit. Now i'm useless.

Juliet xxxx

goody2shuz · 05-12-2007, 08:18 PM

I just wanted to give you some (((((HUGS))))) Juliet.

I know that it really won't make any difference right now to tell you what you already know....the thing is your realizing it is a good thing because you have identified what you need to do in order to make the best of all of this. Drinking and using drugs is only going to keep you from getting better and add another thing to deal with.

You need to think of YOU and if that means cancelling plans with Gram so be it. There is nothing wrong with focusing on what you need to do to get past this mixed state.

When do you start the Seroquel??? Hopefully that will make you feel better about things...my daughter is on it and it works pretty quickly and helps alot with mixed states particularly with the depressive side of things. So hang in there and hopefully it will help.

You are not useless....nobody is. You are just feeling that way until the meds kick in. Please know that things will get better.....today is only temporary, tomorrow is a day closer to things turning around for you.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

jgr01 · 05-13-2007, 01:11 PM

thanks Goody,

I did go out last night and was really manic. Drank a lot of vodka really quickly, but was onto the water by 10:30 which stopped any hangover and onslaught of depression.
Have driven 320 miles today and got gran - to be honest i think it might do her good to see what i'm like sometimes. She doesn't really understand it and she might not make me feel guilty in the future. I've got some friends coming over during the week to help me out - just different conversation etc.

I havent started the seroquel yet - i asked for anothe month to think about it. I'm just worried about it being more fog.....living in a ball of cotton wool,just existing.....

thanks again,

Juliet xxxx

emeraldeyes114 · 05-13-2007, 03:10 PM

Juliet,

I think the seroquel might help what you've been going through lately. Though I understand not wanting to feel all drugged up or anything. I was on seroquel for a while and didn't have any problems like that. Though the dose I was on was pretty low compared to some I have heard.

I hope the visit with Gram goes well and that you both enjoy each other's company as much as you can.

Hugs to you and thinking of you.

Eme

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