It's time I start a new Thread.
There are so many wounderful people,(to many to name and you know who you are),on this Board,who have shared their thoughts,hopes,feelings and opinions about Bipolar disorder. Whether you are suffering with BP or have a loved one,spouse,or child dealing with BP;you all have the same constant challenge..living day by day.
I have said,a number of times...My Mission here is to : Guide,Encourage,and Surpport those who are dealing with Bipolar Disorder. Perhaps,one of the best ways I can meet this Mission;is to "Look Back" on my own life. A very important person,Mrs Eyes, gave me the guidence toward many years of stability. It is my hope, that all who read this thread,will receive reasureance that life with BP, can be happy and successful. Please,contribute your positive thoughts,and "Look Back" at your successes...The following is devoted to Mrs Eyes...and all of you :
Looking Back...
Over my life,I can see where I caused you strife.
But I know...yes.I know,
I'd never make that same mistake again.
Looking Back...
Over my dreams,I can see why wise men dream.
But if I'd just had a chance,
I'd never make that same mistake again.
Once my cup was over flowing (mania),
But I gave nothing in return.
Now I can't begin to tell you,
What a lesson,I have learned.
Looking Back...
Over the same,I can see when Love turn to Hate.
But I know...Oh yes...I know,
I'd never make that same mistake again.
Eyes ~ that is such a wonderful perspective and tribute to Mrs. EYES's part in your stability and your incentive in maintaining it.
I think in looking at what Erin (my 15 almost 16 year old) experiences the most pain with is going through the BP symptoms and then feeling the remorse that follows when she realizes how it has affected others. Just yesterday she had moments of getting upset with me and moments later wrapping her arms around me telling me how much she loves me or thanking me for having her friend over. Those moments show me how she is tormented by the parts of the disorder that she needs to tame....I know that she will eventually learn how to do that but being a teenager makes it all the more difficult.
Anyway...thanks for sharing your perspective on things....it helps me to see that my understanding isn't that off for a non-BPer .
Keep Carrying on, EYES, because you are so good at doing just that!!
I know you asked for positive input but I have to say I tried to be supportive to my husband in so many ways but only to be pushed away for trying. It is so discouraging to me that I could not help my husband but he turned me away for loving him.
What you wrote was beautiful.
Last edited by marshmallow; 05-29-2007 at 05:25 PM.
That was really wonderful and something I think I really needed to hear. At the moment, so many things are in turmoil in my life. And the thing is, I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, knowing that it won't turn out any different but hoping that maybe something will change. I'm referring to my relationship, or lack thereof, with my adoptive dad, Mark. I keep reaching out to him and it'll work for a little while, then I'm shot down again when he gets a new girlfriend or what have you. I know things are going to turn out badly, but I want so terribly to have some kind of relationship with him. I don't want to graduate from high school and be pressured to give him an invitation - I want to give him one because I want him to come - not because I'm guilted into it. I'm trying to get out of the catch-22 but it's hard...That and homework. I skip it often when I don't feel like doing it or I'm in some sort of episode or whatever. It seems that whatever I fall into, I fall into again and again, no matter how I try to deal with it. That's the one thing that I have to work on the most while dealing with this disorder - figuring out what are my weaknesses and getting through them so I don't make the same mistakes over and over again. Thanks for your sage advice.
It's good to hear from those who have posted,and I thank you for the positive comments.
Perhaps,"Looking Back" on our actions in dealing with BP is really more than that. It may just force us to keep "Looking Foward". After all,isn't that what most of us are doing here,on this Board ? We type daily about dealing with BP,dealing with our children,dealing with our spouse. We look "Foward" to hearing for our cyber friends for comfort. If we did not have that support daily from eachother, it would be a long hard road with Bipolar Disorder.
So.....keep commenting to eachother...."Looking Back" may keep us from "never making that same mistake again"......But "Looking Foward" with the support of eachother,will lead us to Stabilization. !
Eyes, that was extremely insightful and I think "looking back" is extremely important - when I got my diagnosis recently, looked back too - and saw (with a large degree of horror!) how much this disorder has affected my life, my loved ones, etc. It was a rude awakening, let me tell you!
I also have pain from the otherside - my bipolar father who, for many years, did not take responsibility for his bipolar. It has only been in the last few months - since my diagnosis - that we have really become close. I finally understand him a lot more, and have begun to forgive him for things past.
I would encourage those with bipolar partners to have their partner write them a letter when they are not having an episode, detailing how much they love their spouse and are grateful to them for everything they do. That way you spouses can have a constant reminder of how grateful your bipolar loved one is to you. Hmmm, that is a good idea for us bipolars too, I might just do that myself
I would encourage those with bipolar partners to have their partner write them a letter when they are not having an episode, detailing how much they love their spouse and are grateful to them for everything they do. That way you spouses can have a constant reminder of how grateful your bipolar loved one is to you. Hmmm, that is a good idea for us bipolars too, I might just do that myself
Aussie : What an excellent suggestion for bipolar partners to do for their spouse/partner. Truly,this would help them to "Look Back" at their past actions,so that they can.at least,"Look Foward" to dealing with their episodes in a postive way. Perhaps if a BPer learns to "drop their pride" with this "disorder",and be honest with their issures (and write it down);then postive communication can start between themselves and their mate.
As always, thank you for your insightful words from many years of experience! In my case, I am in Mrs Eyes' shoes - I am supporting and standing by my husband because I love him and want our family to stay together, but stability is yet to be found. Of course there are times in between medication adjustments, etc...which are happy and wonderful. I don't have to tell you that he can also be a challenge to be around. We have been married 11 yrs and he started showing symptoms and was dx almost 4 yrs ago. It has rocked our boat to say the least. My take on it is this - I unconditionally love him and give him patience, understanding and support, while going to therapy for support myself and educating myself on this disorder. We also have 2 young children. The one thing I do believe is that illness or not, each of us is responsible for our actions, and this does not exclude my husband. I don't want him to be racked by guilt for past actions and words during episodes (although this seems to happen anyway), but I do want more open communication on what is going on with him, and an apology now and then would be a great healer - should this be so hard for him to do? There does seem to be a tendency to be in denial and turn blame on the ones who are your biggest supporters, at least in my husband's case.
And for the BIG question...which I know you've addressed before...
how to help my husband fully accept his BP diagnosis so he can embrace his efforts to manage it for the rest of his life.
After 14 yrs of marriage, how did you finally make peace with yourself and move forward with your wife, is it all attributed to an acceptance and the right medications??
With you being stable for so long, do you still have mood swings and just control them better?
I've seen the difference that stability can make (although not long-term yet) and you are absolutely right, it is totally possible to live a happy and normal life! I hope this brings many on this board encouragement and the words they may need to hear.
.................
And for the BIG question...which I know you've addressed before...
how to help my husband fully accept his BP diagnosis so he can embrace his efforts to manage it for the rest of his life.
After 14 yrs of marriage, how did you finally make peace with yourself and move forward with your wife, is it all attributed to an acceptance and the right medications??
With you being stable for so long, do you still have mood swings and just control them better?
I've seen the difference that stability can make (although not long-term yet) and you are absolutely right, it is totally possible to live a happy and normal life! I hope this brings many on this board encouragement and the words they may need to hear.
4support
You surely are "4support".
To answer your first big question...I feel that a BPer has to come to "grips" with BP from a up front and honest view point. Medications are extreamly important,and to be 100% consistant with them. Then accepting the dx with a postive knowledge that you can live a happy and normal life. Once,the BPer can do this,they can learn to be optimistic about "Looking Foward" to embracing their efforts for management the rest of their life.
You have to truly believe in yourself that "peace with BP Disorder" can happen. "Pride" is something that I believe all BPer seem to have about their (manic) episodes. And this is so very dangerous. They "feel" it is their "right" to blame,disrespect,and misstreat,their spouse. They almost have this "pride" in themselves about thinking that it's OK be this way...just because they are BP. Learning the true meaning of respect for your spouse...is so very important. BP or not ! If a BPer can just keep practicing "respect"...for themselves,then thay can learn respect for their spouse...and others. Then.."Looking Back" the BPer will see where mistakes were made;and patience and tolerence will lead to forgiveness ! Then "peace" will come with BP.
Oh...in my last 23 years of stability...I guess I could of had some mood swings....But the few times I "felt a little off"....I told Mrs.Eyes. And because she is such a great monitor for me, she would tell me what she was observing. Those observations were extreamly helpful,because they would keep me honest with my actions toward constantly with my lithium and my stability. Also...I think aging helps stability....You just get "Smarter" as you "get older" with BP.
4support....you have "it right" when you say.." I hope this brings many on this board encouragement and the words they may need to hear."
Eyes, that was extremely insightful and I think "looking back" is extremely important - when I got my diagnosis recently, looked back too - and saw (with a large degree of horror!) how much this disorder has affected my life, my loved ones, etc. It was a rude awakening, let me tell you!
I also have pain from the otherside - my bipolar father who, for many years, did not take responsibility for his bipolar. It has only been in the last few months - since my diagnosis - that we have really become close. I finally understand him a lot more, and have begun to forgive him for things past.
I would encourage those with bipolar partners to have their partner write them a letter when they are not having an episode, detailing how much they love their spouse and are grateful to them for everything they do. That way you spouses can have a constant reminder of how grateful your bipolar loved one is to you. Hmmm, that is a good idea for us bipolars too, I might just do that myself
Hey, Aussie:
That is a good idea re: writing the letter. However, in my case - after a legal separation, loosing trust and relationship with his child and losing a marriage, homelife, and moving from the house, he still does not acknowledge or accept he has bipolar.
Today, he does say he is sorry but blames it all on being stupid and selfish. Bipolar, in his opinion, still plays no part in spite of the multitude of symptoms which have escalated and worsened over the years. In these cases, there really is no hope because the cycle will repeat.
blames it all on being stupid and selfish. Bipolar, in his opinion, still plays no part in spite of the multitude of symptoms which have escalated and worsened over the years. In these cases, there really is no hope because the cycle will repeat.
see above, meant to post that attached to this, sorry
This is the same thing that my husband says. Its so strange to me that he is saying he is being selfish and knows he is being self. That there is no other problem with him, he for the first time is feeling happy and not depressed and the most confident he has ever been and for some reason he is enjoying it and likes being selfish right now.....
He always brings it up, the selfish comment
.............
Today, he does say he is sorry but blames it all on being stupid and selfish. Bipolar, in his opinion, still plays no part in spite of the multitude of symptoms which have escalated and worsened over the years. In these cases, there really is no hope because the cycle will repeat.
Bear: Thanks for responding on my thread to Aussie's comnents and suggestions. (Haven't heard from you for a long time.) If you didn't get a chance,read my responce to 4support.
I know you really had to put up with a lot with your unmedicated husband before and now after your sepreation. The "blame game" will continue on his part and his "pride" for being BP will stay intact and there will be no hope...because the cycle will repeat............And it just crushes me to have to say this...........But unfortantly, he has chosen his direction of life.
Remember U&A.. He is on his way to a new life.I'm sure he woud support you to start your life anew again.....It the only way....when a BP will not learn.....
by "Looking Back" on how sad their life has been.
Bear: Thanks for responding on my thread to Aussie's comnents and suggestions. (Haven't heard from you for a long time.) If you didn't get a chance,read my responce to 4support.
I know you really had to put up with a lot with your unmedicated husband before and now after your sepreation. The "blame game" will continue on his part and his "pride" for being BP will stay intact and there will be no hope...because the cycle will repeat............And it just crushes me to have to say this...........But unfortantly, he has chosen his direction of life.
Remember U&A.. He is on his way to a new life.I'm sure he woud support you not surprisingly enough,to start your life anew again.....It the only way....when a BP will not learn.....
by "Looking Back" on how sad their life has been.
Carry On,
I agree with you, Eyes, and it is so sad. I cry often out of compassion and empathy and for his inability and/or refusal to see what is right before him. He has chosen his direction and it is heartbreaking.
However, lately he has been extremely personalble and nice, even solitious, offering to do this or that. This comes, not surprisingly enough, after the separation and realization that he basically tanked his home life. and marriage There is sorrow in his eyes, and they are empty and sad. In any event, it doesn't change anything, because we both know without medication, the cycle will repeat and that horrible manic cycle will rear its ugly head once again - towards the end of the year, and I am grateful that I got out with some semblance of 'myself' in tact. It's still a transitionary period, but I am doing well.
Of course I remember U&A. I miss him and his posts and really wish he would post to let us know how it all turned out. No news is good news I am sure in this case, and that is terrific.
eyes, coco, bipolarbear - of course, it goes without saying that my idea will only be applicable for those bipolar people who
a) admit they are bipolar
b) admit and acknowledge how their bipolar behaviour affects their loved ones
c) Are in control of their illness, not the other way round.
I know what it is like to have a bipolar person who doesn't do one or more of the above. My Dad, for many years, let his bipolar control his life, and used it to hide behind - an excuse for lousy behaviour (laziness, partying too hard, being reckless, behaving like an a-hole etc). His marriage to my mother was volatile to say the least, as was my early childhoold let me tell you! His behaviour were so notorious people, including Mum, my brother and I, would leave town when he was manic - so violent he was. Our school had to be alerted that he might try and kidnap us or something. This was all thanks to the manias which he did nothing to prevent. He would refuse to take his meds, take drugs which made his manias worse etc. And they were BAD, BAD BAD.
He is a million times better now, in fact he hasn't had a manic episode for about 3 or 4 years (he is the type who has longer, less frequent manias).
I know that HE looks back on his life with some regrets. He lost my mother. He is estranged from his son, and his relationship with his daughter (me) has a long way to go yet - but getting there.
eyes, coco, bipolarbear - of course, it goes without saying that my idea will only be applicable for those bipolar people who
a) admit they are bipolar
b) admit and acknowledge how their bipolar behaviour affects their loved ones
c) Are in control of their illness, not the other way round......
He is a million times better now, in fact he hasn't had a manic episode for about 3 or 4 years (he is the type who has longer, less frequent manias).
I know that HE looks back on his life with some regrets. He lost my mother. He is estranged from his son, and his relationship with his daughter (me) has a long way to go yet - but getting there.
Aussie :
Sometimes,it takes a very long time from us men to come to "grips" with BP.
I'm truly sorry for what you and your family had to experience with your Dad.
Surely you have learned from his actions and mood swings, early on;that you can with deal with symptoms of your own BP disorder.
Perhaps, as your Dad has aged,he now has the chance of "Looking Back";and saying to you (and his son and your Mum),....."I'd never make that same mistake again".
Because your are learing patience and tolerence with your own BP disorder...
forgivness will come much easier.
I agree with you, Eyes, and it is so sad. I cry often out of compassion and empathy and for his inability and/or refusal to see what is right before him. He has chosen his direction and it is heartbreaking.
However, lately he has been extremely personalble and nice, even solitious, offering to do this or that. This comes, not surprisingly enough, after the separation and realization that he basically tanked his home life. and marriage There is sorrow in his eyes, and they are empty and sad.....and I am grateful that I got out with some semblance of 'myself' in tact. It's still a transitionary period, but I am doing well.......
Thanks and talk to you again............
Surely...He is "Looking Back" ...tring to find the right answer.....Do you believe that a BPer (medicated or not)....can find "that anawer" ? I learned how to "Look Back" and found the proper "feeling" (in my heart) to control my actions and "thoughts" with BP ....My tdoc was way ahead of his time....I think he was the first one to use CBT properly, back in 1984.
Look in on "First CBT Session" thread...I have a post for you to think about
