More harm than good? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Malissa8 · 06-11-2007, 10:00 PM

I'm just wondering if I messed up by doing this. For any who hasn't read my other post, Kevin is the guy I've loved for 3 years, he is BP, medicated and up until a couple months ago, episode free for that time, other than when his Dr changed his meds, and he warned me he would be a little different for a few weeks. This time it came completely out of the blue, and just like that he has shut me out of his life. I've sent him emails, text messages, voice msg's ever since, just trying to let him know I'm here, that I love him, and so on. Well with good advice from some here, I am trying to give him his space, when he checked out on me, that was what he said, "he felt like he had to be alone" so I'm trying, I just dont want him thinking I've completely given up on him, on us. So I send a hello or something every day or so, but this is why I posted this thread, a couple days ago I sent him a longer email, in it I was upfront with him about my fears that this has to do with his BP, which he denied when he first did this. I now see all these little signs I missed back then, so I listed all of them, and the possible triggers. He was stressed about work, he's always had a tough time with work and people there, he has told me before that some of the ppl there know he is BP and on meds, and have made fun of him

or they would try to make it difficult for him, usually he shrugs this off, but he seemed more and more stressed about work, and the way he felt there, also money was a worry, he was trying to stop smoking because he told me he wanted to do that for me, he wrecked his new car, he started adjusting his meds himself, and he was worried about me and some things I was going thru. So he was very stressed out just before this happend, so in this email I begged him to talk to his Doctor, and not to go in as he always did, say things are alright, the same as usual and leave in 5 minutes with his scripts. I told him to please do this for himself. I don't want to pressure him right now about doing it for me, or for our relationship, I just want him to do it for himself. Was that wrong of me, could I have done more harm than good? I worry about every little thing I've said or done, I wouldn't hurt him for anything.

tsohl · 06-11-2007, 10:51 PM

Hello Malissa,

It is really difficult to predict what he might or might not respond to. You are correct to assume that he needs to see his pdoc...and he probably needs his meds adjusted or tweaked to some extent. It's really hard to know what to say to try to get through to him. You are not alone in this problem. You can find many threads on this board written by women who went through the same or similar thing as you are now experiencing.

There is a book that you might want to read called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast. You might want to read it now and then when your boyfriend has come out of his hypomania, goes to see his pdoc, levels with him and gets his meds adjusted, you should sit down and read it together. She suggests ways to set up systems to help recognize triggers that lead to mania or depression, working together to avoid a bad episode and has many good ideas to help the person with BP work with his spouse or companion to learn to manage his/her illness.

In the meantime, give him some space, do not hover but be available for when he's ready to see you again. It takes the patience of Job...but, hang in there!!

xxxTsohl

Malissa8 · 06-11-2007, 11:13 PM

Thank you tshol for the reply. I will definitely get that book. I know when this first happened I felt so alone in this, it was in finding this site, and reading all these other post, that made me realize just what BP can do to a relationship. Reading that book will help me feel as if I'm doing something. Right now I feel like I'm in limbo, ostracized by the man I love, scared to death he won't find his way back to me. Your suggestion of reading it together one day is something I pray we can do. Thank you again...

tsohl · 06-11-2007, 11:51 PM

You might also check out the website for **** ([url]www.****.org)[/url]. **** is a national organization that has state and local chapters that provide educational programs, support groups and that are a great resource for referrals, etc. You might want to take a look at the website to see what might be offered in your area. It also has some good, basic information on BP and the various treatments and medications.

I also recommend that you learn as much as you can about the disorder and especially about the various medications. This way you can work as a partner with the doctors, rather than just following directions and not understanding what's going on.

I suppose since this is a boyfriend rather than a spouse or a child, you might want to be careful in sharing with your BF that you are getting this involved with his disorder. This would be especially true if he has not learned much about his own "dis-ease." BP is the most treatable of all mental illnesses, but it is a condition that you do not grow out of; it does not go away as you age. To live successfully with BP, it is imperative that the person accepts that he has BP and that he must manage it rather than letting the BP control him. Hopefully when he is feeling better, together you can learn what it takes for him to live in a way that maximizes his chances for remaining stable and free of future episodes. If he allows it, you can help him learn to watch for triggers and to help him modify his lifestyle so that he can live up to his full potential.

all for now-- good luck.
Tsohl

marshmallow · 06-12-2007, 12:20 PM

Malissa, you did what you thought was best at the time. There is no right or wrong when dealing with a mental illness. We all make mistakes out of love I know I have. I have tried reasoning with my husband over and over knowing in my head that is was impossible but my heart took over and I screwed up. My trying to reason with him lead him to frustration and anger just what I didnt want. I think Kevin knows you love him and it has to be up to him to make the move to you if he decides to. Meanwhile you can learn all you can about bp and meds like Tsohl suggested. I know your hurting and I wish I had a quick fix for you but no one does. I am so sorry your having to go through this. I know the pain.