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Old 06-22-2007, 08:37 AM   #1
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Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Well - you know I'm BPII and I've been on the board for a while...

Like the majority, I have challenged my diagnosis on more than one occassion, had good and bad experiences with mental health professionals, had good and bad BP experiences, been out-patient and inpatient....

So...I think I'm pretty well qualified to speak for BP...

Anyway, I've started to look back over my life with my clinical psychologist and have learnt ALOT. I have come to understand that experiences I went through when young could have shaped my 'current state of mind' and could be creating the very symptoms that are associated with BP.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that life seems glowing for me now. Still on my meds, and still seeing both my pdoc and clin psych regularly, my life has taken on a new meaning. The important message I want to convey is that it CAN be like this for all of us. Don't get me wrong, I know it is NO easy feat. I have been that person with suicidal intent more than once, I have been that person on one-to-one constant supervision whilst inpatient (more than once again), I have been the self-harmer in more than one way, I have been the person for whom blackness is all I could see. I have also been that person with RAGE, RAGE, RAGE - uncontrollable in it's nature. I have been that person who has so cruelly upset those closest to me. I have been that person who was high one minute and low, low, low the next. I have been true BP.

However now, with a greater understanding of who I am as a person, I stand on my own two feet and smile in the face of BP. BP will no longer rule me as I have a burning desire to control it instead - a burning desire to be free , a burning desire to LIVE and live FREE.

This free life is electric, but not in a BP way. It is magnetic and once you get a taste you can't let it go for it is too valuable. This is life.

After 8 years of suffering incontrollable mood swings, the despair of depression, the lonliness of BP if I can feel like this - then anyone can. Give yourself the power to be free of those feelings by understanding that this isn't 'just' an illness - this is something you can learn greatly about, and learn how it interacts with you. This is the key - the key to being BP symptom free.


Good Luck to those who are brave enough to embark upon the journey - just as I wish good luck to those who are too ill to be able to start their journey just yet - time will come.


Nut.

 
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Old 06-22-2007, 11:08 AM   #2
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

What a lovely message, Nut. What accounts for this marvelous change??
Can you pass on how you got to this point. I'm sure many would be interested in trying to follow the same path.

Cheers!
Tsohl

 
Old 06-23-2007, 05:02 AM   #3
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BP freedom.... ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by tsohl View Post
What a lovely message, Nut. What accounts for this marvelous change??
Can you pass on how you got to this point. I'm sure many would be interested in trying to follow the same path.

Cheers!
Tsohl

Hi Tshol,
What accounts for this marvellous change? I think the answer to that is a damn good clinical psychologist (in the end!!), in association with the correct balance of and adhering to my meds!

The clinical psych has shown me that certain ways of thinking (low self-esteem, guilt, anxiety, anger) may have been 'seeded' when I was very young and that they have grown and grown until age 20, until now at 28, when they have precipitated becuase those thoughts had become 'me' and 'I' was actually lost amongst those negative thoughts.

The same clin psych has empowered me to look upon my symptoms as 'injury' related to psychological trauma when very young rather than 'illness'. To date, I have relied upon the 'illness' model and just taken the meds with not much else help. However, I cannot stress enough how much being given a psychological understanding of WHERE my symptoms are coming from has helped me.

To fully understand one's symptoms gives one the power to change those symptoms. Yes, it may be biological - but to have a psychological input to 'roounding off' those symptoms has helped me immensely. The people I work with, my partner, my friends all comment of what a different person I am - and this isn't hypomania either (they've all seen that one!!).

I can't urge those with BP enough to find a top-notch clin psych - it has given me back my life. Now, although I still take my regime of meds, I do so with the personal understanding that those very meds are giving me the 'space' to be able to 'understand' my symptoms and their origin more. This is opposed to 'relying' on the meds only - that doesn't make the BP better at all - it only masks it.


I am disappointed that there are no other replies to the thread. I understand that many may read this and think, 'Yeah. right, whatever - wouldn't happen for me and she must be making up or else didn't suffer bad BP'... BUT, I need to emphasise to those very people that I suffered deeply from BP - two hospitalisations in 1 year, and have seen my pdoc every 2 weeks for almost 3 years now.... REALLY IF IT CAN WORK FOR ME - IT CAN WORK FOR ANYONE - Try it and see before forming an opinion...

Don't use BP as a crutch, although I know how easy that can be... try life instead with understanding as a crutch to freedom....



Nut.

 
Old 06-23-2007, 10:01 AM   #4
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

hi Nut,

That is wonderful that you are really understanding your "dis-ease." And I'm glad to know that the meds are still a part of your treatment plan. The body is a very complex mechanism and it is so great when the body and mind are working together!

I hope everyone reads your thread and takes it to heart.

Cheers!
Tsohl

 
Old 06-23-2007, 01:26 PM   #5
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Re: BP freedom.... ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by NutshellNutter View Post
..................

I can't urge those with BP enough to find a top-notch clin psych - it has given me back my life. Now, although I still take my regime of meds, I do so with the personal understanding that those very meds are giving me the 'space' to be able to 'understand' my symptoms and their origin more. This is opposed to 'relying' on the meds only - that doesn't make the BP better at all - it only masks it.


I am disappointed that there are no other replies to the thread. I understand that many may read this and think, 'Yeah. right, whatever - wouldn't happen for me and she must be making up or else didn't suffer bad BP'... BUT, I need to emphasise to those very people that I suffered deeply from BP - two hospitalisations in 1 year, and have seen my pdoc every 2 weeks for almost 3 years now.... REALLY IF IT CAN WORK FOR ME - IT CAN WORK FOR ANYONE - Try it and see before forming an opinion...

Don't use BP as a crutch, although I know how easy that can be... try life instead with understanding as a crutch to freedom....

Nut.
Ahhhh,yes...Nut..."Focus on the positive - living life to the full". Now is the time keep this momentum going. You have stated that a clin psych is a big nessasity for insight to past "injury" in your life. And that your "meds are giving (you) the 'space' to be able to 'understand' (your) symptoms and their origin"

You really do have some of the right answers to living with your BP Disorder.

Perhaps,as I have read over your posts,there seem to be something missing.
A goal toward acheiving "long term staibility". Yes, you have surly experienced a lot of trama and mood swings,and at the same time have learned from them.This is an important step in total control and understanding BP Disorder.

No dought you have read my Threads and Posts related to acheiving "Long Term Stability".(I have been at this "Stability Thing" for over 23 years). You have all the ingredients to make Stability happen.

Maybe the next step is to formulate your own "Plan of Stability". Consult your clin psych. I am here to share....I am here to learn.

Please don't be diappointed in the number of replies to this thread. It seems that BPers need to follow their own journey before they can learn to enjoy the success of other BPers. Non BPers who live with a loved one or child with BP, seem to have the most words of praise..and wisdom..right Tsohl ?

Carry On,

 
Old 06-23-2007, 02:58 PM   #6
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Re: BP freedom.... ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Well good for you. So happy for you. I cannot even remember the last time I was happy. Truly happy. Glad there is one person who is being helped by the meds and shrink.
Anna

 
Old 06-23-2007, 05:15 PM   #7
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Facing all the iniquities from your past and working through them as if they were physical injuries....sounds like a plan. My husband is so never wanting to talk about all of the terrible things his alcoholic mother did when he as a child. Here and there he will let out little glimpses of the terror she bestowed upon him and his siblings. But it is almost like he feels he is betraying her if he gets counseling for those scars that haunt him....somehow he needs to pretend she is perfect. Not so, parents are people too and they screw up sometimes. Work through it with a professional, forgive and move on. Sounds like you have done that!

 
Old 06-24-2007, 02:14 AM   #8
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

It is so good for those of us who are not feeling so good to see someone who is getting better. It gives us all hope that we may get there one day as well.

My deep depression has been around for about eight months now and my new pdoc is trying to get me sorted out on the right meds. When you have been down for so long you start to think that it will never get any better. However, your post gave me hope that I might reach the end of the tunnel and find the light just like you have.

Congratulations on new positive outlook and thanks for giving the rest of us hope that we may all get to the same point as you.
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Old 06-24-2007, 02:25 AM   #9
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

TSHOL:
'dis-ease' - That's an excellent way to put it and how not only us BPERS, but anyone with mental illness should view it..

EYESWOT:
Long term stability is indeed something that has been missing from my previous threads. It isn't that I wasn't looking for it, rather I hadn't even thought about it. And I hadn't not thought about it because I was trying to get to grips with BP - NO. I'd been suffering for 8 years with the darn thing!!! Rather, it hadn't even entered my head that stability was an option. Rather I'd always viewed it as 'illness', 'disorder' (and seeing my pdoc every two weeks only compounded that feeling). However, now, with my clin psych I have seen the 'injury' involved in it all.

To know that you have been 'in the stability thing' for so long is a great inspiartion to others.

LUCKYGEM:
My goodness - I recognise your post as if it were written about me!!!! I had issues relating back to an alcoholic mother when younger, and boy I sure didn't want to metnion them to my clin psych. Indeed I have only ever told my better half some of the things that happened all those years ago - we've been together 11 years and I only told him about 4 months ago!! Anyway, my policy with the clin psyh became one of -'I have to be honest (with myself) to get the most out of seeing him'. So, I told him everything. I felt like a witch for having told him my inner most secret that I thought I would take to the grave with me. However, then we were also able to work through the guilt that I felt for telling him things about my 'alcoholic mum'. He was able to offfer me a fresh perspective - one of an adult. You see, the thoughts I had about my mum were those of me as a child, locked in this adult body. This fresh persepctive enabled me to see that it was ok to talk about what happened, that speaking about it meant that I wasn't betraying 'me' rather than my mum (who is now dead so I can't make it up to her for telling). That was the crux - I couldn't continue to BETRAY ME!!!!! I DERSERVED TO BE FREE OF IT ALL. I HADN'T ASKED FOR IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. NUTSHELLNUTTER THE CHILD DESERVED TO GROW. NUTSHELLNUTTER THE ADULT DERSERVED TO BE BORN. I DESERVED TO BE BORN.


One thing that grabs me about many, many people that post on this board is that they have all been associated with some childhood psychological trauma. This is the key to understanding that soem of our behavious aren't 'wrong', don't need to be 'fixed'. Rather they are behaviours that enabled us to 'survive' as children, children of trauma. It is only when we become adults, removed from the traumatic environment that our behaviours seem maladaptive rather than adaptive. They aren't wrong - they never were. Rather they are just out of place and need to find their home in our brains - our childhood brains. This enables the BP stable adult to emerge.

Good Luck,
Nut.

 
Old 06-24-2007, 03:38 AM   #10
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Quote:
Originally Posted by NutshellNutter View Post
........................

.................It is only when we become adults, removed from the traumatic environment that our behaviours seem maladaptive rather than adaptive. They aren't wrong - they never were. Rather they are just out of place and need to find their home in our brains - our childhood brains. This enables the BP stable adult to emerge.

Nut
Nut.....I think you've got "IT"......Finding that "home" in our (Adult BP Brain) is so very important.....And as you said..." This enables the BP stable adult to emerge."

So your are forming a plan..and thinking about "That Stability Thing"

Good for you...and you have the Time !

Carry On,

 
Old 06-24-2007, 04:58 AM   #11
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beautifulchild View Post
It is so good for those of us who are not feeling so good to see someone who is getting better. It gives us all hope that we may get there one day as well.

My deep depression has been around for about eight months now and my new pdoc is trying to get me sorted out on the right meds. When you have been down for so long you start to think that it will never get any better. However, your post gave me hope that I might reach the end of the tunnel and find the light just like you have.

Congratulations on new positive outlook and thanks for giving the rest of us hope that we may all get to the same point as you.
Beautifulchild,
Sorry I didn't include you in my last reply - I think we must have posted at the same time!

I truely understand where you are right now. It seems like only yesterday since my depression was at it's lowest, yet it was through Nov 2004 - Jun 2005. Despite being in deep depression however - to me you sound positive. Positive is your want to be free of this weight, free of this torture. I admire your strength. When I was at my lowest I wasn't able to fight like that and had to be hospitalised. I fully recognise your feeling of thinking that it 'may never get better'. Indeed my pdoc asked me 3 years ago 'what I was aiming for, how would I know when I was better?'. My response was to tell him that I wouldn't know when I was better becuase I had forgotten what it was like to 'NOT be depressed'. I didn't remember the feelings of happiness, joy, colour. His response was to tel me 'not to worry, I will know when I feel those feelings again'. HE WAS RIGHT. YOU WILL FEEL THOSE FEELIINGS AGAIN. YOU WILL GET BETTER if you deeply, deeply want to AND put in ALL the effort you can. I virtually made it a full-time job (in addition to doing a full-time job and full-time equivalent study).

Beautifulchild, this strength transposes into survival. If I can come through it, then I have every confidence that you will too. The weeks turned into months, and unfortunately for me the months turned into years - but I am here. I stand in the light, no longer in the darkness. I stand in the air, no longer suffocating. Your journey will take you here too - I have every confidence.

The first step on my journey to freedom was to get the right med combo. This took 2 years in total and was a very tiring part of the journey, sometimes it seemed hopeless - but I knew I had to keep trying. After finding the right meds, my journey kept going, going and going. However, it wasn't actually progressing - rather it was going round in circles. Finding a brilliant clinical psychologist was the next step on my journey of progression... my LEAP into freedom.

Please don't rely on your meds to be 'the answer'. It isn't like that, it isn't that easy. Your meds will kick in and 'round off the edges' of your feelings, but they won't erradicate them. They will allow you the mental freedom to be able to tackle the root of your problems - laid down deep in your mind, so deep that you alone cannot access them. It is at this stage, when you feel the 'edges' of your feelings have become softer that I urge you to consider finding a recommmended clinical psychologist.

My sessions with the clinical psychologist only lasted about 8 visits. These sessions gave me a understanding of my mind, personal to me. They enabled me to piece together the jigsaw puzzle which had become so dreadfully mixed up throughout the years. This jigsaw puzzle tormented me for 8 years (and I would say 10 years previous to that during my teens if I'm honest, although hadn't seen a doctor about it). It was made of cold, cold metal. Now, pieced together, the same jigsaw puzzle tells a very different story. Yes, it tells the story of me (with some hurtful childhood memories), Nut, but it also conveys a final meaning of happiness.

There is a bird flying high in the jigsaw puzzle...into the sun it flies. Free, free as a bird. Freedom.

Keep going on your journey beautifulchild. If I can get there, then you can too. I stand beside you on your journey. You are not alone. Freedom calls - all we have to do is get you to it.


Nut.

Last edited by NutshellNutter; 06-24-2007 at 05:14 AM.

 
Old 06-25-2007, 02:16 AM   #12
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Thanks Nutshellnutter for the reply.

I realize that it is going to take more than just meds to feel better. Whenever I am having a really bad day and I just want to lay in bed all day, I force myself to get up, dress in something bright and try to do at least one positive thing for the day. I find that colours really affect me mentally and when I am having a bad day I dress in dark clothes. I now force myself to go back and get changed into something bright and pretty.

I do understand the feeling of not knowing when you will feel better. It has been so long since I felt good I often wonder if I will remember what stable life feels like - or if have I ever been stable? After a while I think we forget what it feels like to be our "normal self". I am hopeful though, that like you I will remember these feelings again soon.

I am forcing myself to fight these bad feelings every day. I have three young children and I just can't let myself fall apart. Every day I battle the dark thoughts and slowly I am beginning to win the battle. I cannot afford to give in because my children are depending on me. So I will continue to fight this depression and hopefully, like you, I will come out the other side a much better and happier person.
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Old 06-25-2007, 03:55 AM   #13
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Who is this wonderful Clinical Psychologist? Did you have to go private? If so how much does that cost?

I see a psychiatrist and a CPN but the former seems to just talk about medication and the latter is just for the talking and to make sure I don't do anything silly.

I'm really pleased for you, by the way.

x

 
Old 06-25-2007, 04:02 AM   #14
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lanugo View Post
Who is this wonderful Clinical Psychologist? Did you have to go private? If so how much does that cost?

I see a psychiatrist and a CPN but the former seems to just talk about medication and the latter is just for the talking and to make sure I don't do anything silly.

I'm really pleased for you, by the way.

x
Hi Lanugo,
I understand what you mean about psychs and CPN's. I ma very lucky in that my clin psych is actually a relative (not blood though!) - so they were easily found (in the end!). I would definitely recommend private - you can see them more often that your NHS quota would allow you, and there also is no lonnnnngggg waitiing list to see them if privtae. Yous should expect to pay around £150-£200 per session - but it is worth it.

First off I would ask your pdoc if they could recommend any to you. Then try and research them before your first appt, and don't be afriad to ask them to tell you all about their professional history. If you don't like the sound of them after that then don't return.

Good Lukc,
Nu.t

 
Old 06-26-2007, 10:05 AM   #15
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Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

Hi Nut,
wow that is really good, i am so happy for you. It is nice to see some positivity on here!
I hope that will be my case one of these days!
I have been doing good for a while since they put me on seroquel, well some side affects, but the good totally outweighs the bad!

I have been AWOL for the last month and sort of getting used to it not really feeling able to deal with writing for some reason!

I also want to know if you went private or not? I dont have a tdoc but I think it would help, and have been told I was getting one for a year which is not happening and I forget to ask again! I find I am still very forgetful about everything but overall my moods are 100% improved!

anyways it feels nice to read things on here again!

take care! and thanks for the positivity!
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