NutshellNutter

Hi ckyounge,
I'm sorry that you are having some difficulties at the moment, especially surrounding your depression. However, what is positive from your message is that you are continuing to seek help to enable the light at the end of your tunnel to burn brighter - this shows the inner strength that you have. You ARE a survivor!! And that means that you WILL survive. Trust me for I know where you are now, and I know where you can get to as I have been on your journey (and still am!!).

I am so glad that you have taken the line of seeing a clinical psychologist in adidtion to your meds, and I am sorry that after one year you still do not seem to have a good relationship with them. But, again positively, you realise this and are seeking a new one.

You mention that you are unable to feel sadness - but can you be sure that this is due to the meds or do the meds offer a piggy back of a reason? Let's see.... What do you think of the thought that 'subconsciously' something is in your head that is not letting you feel sadness, rather than it all being down to the meds? It strikes me from your post that you are feeling an intense amount of loss - realising the loss of your 'never formed' relationship with your clinical psychologist, a loss at the chance to get better, a loss of happiness forever, a loss of the social part of you, a loss of the 'human' part of you with relation to how you relate (or don't relate) to others? A loss of YOU? Is it possible that you have become so confused with being ill and trying to get better that you feel you have lost yourself amongst it all? That is surely the most intense loss we can suffer - loss of self - yes, no?? This is where the vicious cycle of thought steps in - the more you search for the you that you have lost, the more you feel lost, the more depressed you get so the more you search etc, etc,...

However, the height of depression can, and does, come out as an inability to feel emotion (I know mine did!). This is not becuase of you - this is depression. It's ok. Understanding this will be a key to getting better. If we look at your loss of being able to feel emotion from an evolutionary perspective we can see some clues as to how our minds may be 'subconsciously' thinking. Our ancestors would have taken themselves to a point of safety (their cave so they didn't get eaten by the tigers!) and essentially hibernated. Their bodies would have shut down all non-essential tasks (such as recognising emotion) as only our hearts and lungs would be needed for survival. So, you can see how recognising emotion became a useless task to our ancestors when the were depressed!! Instead, they only maintained functions that were essential to life - essential for survival!! Everything else got shut down. As we have evolved over the years, our survival mechanisms have stayed with us - after all we are all human, human beings, **** sapiens the mammal!!

So, you see your inability to feel sadness (or happiness) isn't a failure at being able to feel emotion, or even the meds, rather it COULD be a survival mechanism to PROTECT you when you aren't at your best. After all - the last thing you want to do is walk out of that cave and get eaten by a tiger becuase you don't know whether to love it or fear it!!!! So maybe, at this stage, the inability to feel sadness is a positve thing - a protective thing.

My guess, if you agree with the 'loss' aspect, that your body is also in a state of high anxiety - subconsciously wondering when the next loss is going to happen, whatever it may be - you may have become conditioned to it. Something that I think may help would be meditation - I started it and it works for me - why not give it a go... It is something you can do in your own home, on your own, at your own speed. Look for Gil Fronsdal podcasts on the net. They teach you week by week how to meditate. You set the pace, stick with it if you try it. It isn't easy at first but will get easier as you go. Look upon it as 'your' time. 'Your' treat. Meditation will not only reduce your 'body's' state of anxiety but this will lead onto you being able to 'feel' your emotion more - a double edged sword (although a POSITIVE sword!).

We all deserve, need our own 'me time'. Even when we are so low that we can't see that we deserve it nor want it. This is one thing that gave me another step on my journey, small ones at first. How about giving yourself a lovely bath, with smellies or candles (or both!). Small at first is all we need. Or, buy yourself a CD you've always wanted, and then for step two you could even listen to it in the bath!! Remember this is your time however - lock the door and relax. If it sounds daunting - just have 5 mins at first for the first week, then 10, then 15... no-one is rushing you - go at your own pace, a pace you feel comfortable with.

Something else that I found helpful when at my lowest was to have 'happy' cards. These were cue cards with happy words written on them - nce and colourful!! They were stuck at places were I would look regularly throughout the day- at the top of the stairs, on the mirror for instance. That way I couldn't avoid seeing them. Why not ask your children to make some for you - involve them on your positive journey.

Also, a tip that I have recommended to lots of people is to have a 'depression buddy'. This is YOUR buddy to help you when depression gets the better of you. A close friend, someone who is non-judgemental and will listen without necessarily talking. They don't have to live close by - after all, that's what phones are for, or email - right?? The important thing is that it is someone you trust. Be up front when you are asking them about why you are asking them, what you are asking of them. And don't be disheartened if they can't accept your invitation - it may be too much for some people. That is ok. It is their option. We cannot force them and it is not a reflection on you - some people are just more 'natural' than others. Some find it difficult to talk personally.

You ask what meds am I on - please bear in mind though that what works for me doesn't work for everyone - our brain biochemistry's are all unique to us. I am on 30mg Mirtazapine (anti-dep) and 800mg Carbamazapine (Tegretol Retard - mood stabiliser). It is working good for me, although it did take us 3 years to get both the right combo and the right dosages. HOWEVER, what was crucial to my 'final' seeing the light was to use both the psychology route in addition to the drug therapy. They shouldn't be considered mono-therapies as they both together. One without the other is a bit of a non-starter.

You are doing the best thing you can - getting a new clinical psychologist. It only took about 8 sessions for me with mine to get sorted. There is no way that someone should need to see one for the duration of one year - I think that proves the importance of getting one that you can build a good relationship with. The best thing for you as you look forward is to remember what you 'don't want' out of your next clinical psychologist - ie. no relationship. Knowing this will make your treatment with the next one all the more swift.


You keep going. Try not to be hard on yourself for not being able to 'feel' emotion - it is not a relfection of 'you', rather a reflection of where your 'unconscious' mind is at. You've started the journey of seeking the key to freedom, a good clinical pscyhologist will help you find they key so that you can place it in the lock yourself one day.


Nut.