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Old 07-09-2007, 07:51 AM   #1
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Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

I needed to begin a new thread as the other was just not doing it for me. I was not sure how this new thing worked with the moderators, then I started seeing the names of others posts and, well it looks like pretty much, as long as people answer my statement here, then all is oh k and in accordance to the new rule of this section of the board.

SO..........here we go (as if I do hold this inside, I will in fact do things that I will regret and I need what you guys give me, the support that I have been getting since I have signed up on this site, that is why I did it, THIS SITE HELPS ME).

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar. All this means is that my Bipolar is heavily accentuated (the symptoms are) by the first mentioned, an example would be I have hyper sexuality, therefore I hope you can figure that out..........another example would be when I get manic, for me, mania is Anger<--/excitement or hyper/------------sadness-->Depression on that scale I am just trying to show you that I go from those extremes within a matter of seconds, there is no middle ground for ME. Again, this is only MY scale given, others may have it different (if you reply to this thread, as in accordance with the moderators as I do not want this shut down, PLEASE just give MY post an answer or your own experience to help me out.........a reminder, that is it about that, now let us move on here as you can tell I am in rational mind here............a thing that is not bad for me at this moment).

My psych doc has taught me a lot. I have found the correct one for me, he is a man that I respect and I have found that to be important within a doctor. So, that being stated, I was correctly diagnosed back in 1999. I have had all of these symptoms of everything from rage (a lot of rage, random drug use.....nothing of needles, just mainly pills, drinking--teenage years for this stuff----getting high), crying for no reason, just rapid cycling BEFORE I knew I was rapid cycling, ya know??!!!

So, 1999, I am diagnosed with the above mentioned, BPD n Bipolar, I am begun on all sorts of cocktails to see what fits me. It was not a good beginning . There were meds that made me real sick, meds that made me hallucinate, meds that just plain did nothing. Now, I want you to know that back when I was 12 years old (I am 32 now), I was brought to a shrink (I say that word because I was in fact felt as if these people up until I found the correct man to help me in '99 tried to "shrink" me back into something I was not, therefore more rebellion , more drinking n raging from the undiagnosed, well the incorrectly diagnosed mental illness and therefore a lot of problems came out of it) and all of them through the couple of years tried me on Lithium, which after about 2 months did nothing, so them Valium was my new friend for anger. I got so depressed (at age 13) that I took [---] of them (5 mg.), then woke up and was angry that my bottle was almost empty.....now I am trying to keep with the suicide thread on here as well......see, I am being a good person, moderators......... POINT being is that either back then, which was the 80's, they didn't have a major knowledge of the disease or they did not have a clue what they were doing, I refer to the 'shrinks' I went to.

Moving on. Time went. I have been through a lot within my life, as others have, but I had to do something so selfless that I hold a great pain inside and it eats at me constantly, some days more than others, but I shall never get over it as I know I did it out of the largest amount of love there is in this world..........all because of this disease I have. the BPD n Bipolar. For those who do now know, I have 2 girls, My 2 daughters, oldest will be 9 this year n the youngest is 6 this year. When I was married, from '98 - '03, my husband (then husband) and I, well told you, had 2 kids. got married after 4 months of knowing one another and there ya go with the romantic beginning. He was a mentally stable guy, but he put up with me going through all the different meds AFTER I had my first child. I REPEAT AFTER the first baby. NEVER did I take a single anything when I was pregnant, I got married, heck as soon as I found out I was pregnant I never touched a drink never a cigarette never anything again (mind u, I have been a sober person for so long I can't tell ya the year span). So, he worked swing shift and I was taking care of my first child, the light of my life, even with my disease, I was so happy, I felt the miracles of miracles and it made me the happiest on the mood swing I had ever felt. It took a toll. I have been on sleeping pills for 8 years going on 9 now.........again, never when I was pregnant or when someone was not there to take care of my child and heck even when my baby girl was first here, I was so not taking anything to sleep I was so beat that when my parents helped out, I fell right to sleep myself and I wanted to hear her cry.......I was on edge, I needed to know my miracle was oh k every second of every day. Anyhow, so I was watching her grow up and we figured things out. then we found out I was pregnant again. I was depressed by the news. I fell into sadness and then taking care of my first born became something that was saddening to me. She got older and at around when she started to talk u know they do that, well terrible two's started at a little before 1 1/2 and I was having another child and I was yelling at my oldest for no good reason. I yelled at her to pick up her toys. She is a child, she plays, but my weird, skewed brain saw a mess and I could not have that. so I would yell at her to clean up her toys, then i would NEVER spank her, I would have her stand in the corner if she did something wrong, I would let her take her blanky n take a stuffed animal at times, but she would have to count or say the alphabet. I was crying inside for feeling like a terrible mom but she needed to know to stand in the corner when she was bad..........yet really, refer to the above. Anyhow, other child is born and I am beyond beat. I am not bonding at first, then we bond and I love her so much, but I am so tired. I have two kids, the hubby n I work out times with his swing shift so I can sleep and I am just so miserable, but I have turned my almost 2 year old into an obsessive compulsive with cleaning her toys up as she puts them back exactly where she got them from, same order, facing the same way, she saw mommana (she used to call me that) do it a million times..........my baby.......she never needed that. She was a child ya know. I had my little new baby screaming with colic I think, I know she wasn't feeling to good for a bit, I know my first was really laid back n the second was pretty not happy with life..heh. I love them so much. anyhow, so I broke in my head, worse than I did and I told my hubby at the time that we need to do something because all i do is yell. i was driving and gone at one point 8 hours a day for 3 days a week at intensive outpatient therapy (IOP) at a super well known hospital that was 45 minutes away from my home to get help, I have never been admitted into the hospital and I want to keep it that way........I saw my doc n still do 2 times a month for an hour and I take and have always with the exception of the pregnancy times but doc knew as told. point is anyhow that we decided that having our children adopted out would be a mentaly and emotionally better thing for them. I thought maybe they would have a chance to grow up a bit more normal you know. I didn't want them growing up with yelling. i thought that was abuse. i love my girls i always will. i never want to harm them emotionally. they deserve better than a home where their nut job mom yells for no reason. SO..........the girls were adopted out. again, the most selfless and painful thing...............my marriage, well again, broke. been with my boyfriend now for over 4 years. i am not happy. i have had maybe 24hours total out of over 4 years where I have had a total 24 hour time period of being happy, but that is it. As happy as i can be i gather. i mean i really think this man is my soulmate and that is strange for me, but he feels the same, but i also feel the fact that i take care of a (this year he will be) 33 year old child. i can not stand it when he gets drunk. i hate it. i have put my past behind me of partying, i do not see why others can not do the same or if they are going to drink, be responsible, don't get drunk. but i can not control everything n that is one of my problems as well. i need control. if I am not in control then I feel like the world is spinning away from me.

I have lost every best friend I have ever had and I got one of my old good friends back. yet, I trust no one...........thanks to a best friend of over 22 years that slept with my boyfriend way WAY back when while I was at work to pay the bills for us to live and that is a whole section of another chapter of my life (I wrote an autobiography, best to my recollection at the time).

There ya go. That is about it for now, if you have made it this far, then I applaud the time you have given me and I thank you.

Now, you are free to drop remarks on my statements here. ANY of them that have been made as there are a bunch, I leave you with the list of meds I am on for Bipolar/BPD reasons (as I take thyroid, pain killers for my back....bulging discs, so there are muscle relaxers included and a cholesterol pill too, feel free to ask about those, but again, list will be about the psych meds).

B & B = BPD n Bipolar

MED List:

Anxiety: Valium 10mg.

B & B: Trileptal 600mg. pill (1,800 mg. total,900mg. 2x's a day) mood stabilzer

B & B:Keppra 500mg.pill(1,000 mg. total,500mg. 2x's a day/mood stablizer n weight loss)

There you have it.


 
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Old 07-09-2007, 08:24 AM   #2
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

What the....

I don't know what to say here my friend!

All of us have our stories, mine is no worse then yours. We have to pick up the peices and try to make something out of them. I personally think you are one of the strongest people on this site and this post just proved it. I'm not there yet, I'm still ashamed at of my past...

Keep smiling and I hope things work out with the boyfriend.

I have Bipolar/Borderline/PTSD... we are like cousins = )
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Last edited by Dee-nah; 07-09-2007 at 08:41 AM.

 
Old 07-09-2007, 10:13 PM   #3
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

I have always thought myself to be a bad parent even though I did the best I could with what I had and knew. A friend recently reminded me that there isn't a handbook you get when the kids are born. There are manuals for how to be a doctor, a nuclear scientist, a carpenter, but they run shy on how to be a mother. It takes so many hats to wear just being a parent that few remember just what they are. I mean you are a teacher, pupil, nurse, worry wart, cop, judge, doler of hugs and kisses as well as stern looks, philosopher, a vast vat of knowledge, and generally someone born with a Flintstone car. lol Just joking on the last bit. Yet to me it takes way more strength and courage to do not what is right for the parent but what is right for the child. They aren't always the same thing. It takes strength to know that it is someone else who will raise that child, hold them when they are sick, and see them grow up. Yet you did it for them which is the greatest gift to give them.

I agree with the antiquated view they held during the eighties or perhaps we had similar doctors. Mine didn't listen they just put me on a few pills and called it a day. Now and days with the right one and trial and error things can be so much better. It can be a real chance at a real life. Where once they might have locked ya up and thrown away the key. Oh the joy that memory brings.

Looks like the Three Musketeers are here with me having the same as Deenah dx wise. Is that good or bad? lol If the boyfriend's drinking is a problem and talking doesn't do the trick to any degree. Have you thought that maybe you are trying to tell you that maybe he ought to move on? I don't much like a drunkard had too many not so fun moments with them. My hubby once was a alcoholic but he sobered up way before he met me. Now he seldom drinks at all. As a matter of fact I drink more then he does and so far in seven months I have had five drinks total. So i don't call that a horrific thing. If you aren't happy why is that? Is there something specific reason you aren't? Do you find yourself doing the Jones versus the Smith thing? Meaning that you think you need to have or be certain things in order to be happy. What would make you happy? Sorry for the questions just got the brain a thinking a bit tonight and sadly you got the brunt of that one.

Deb

 
Old 07-10-2007, 06:56 AM   #4
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

Dee - I thank you for your words. I knew that I needed to really write down in this new post basically what was up so all could just see for themselves you know. I mean I had to think that people would guess at what was up with me and that wasn't right, so there it is, first post, new thread and all. Answering the person that writes the thread, begins the thread, I like that part, but the moderator had me confused for a sec here on the other stuff........but u see I got past it and there we have it, as for my bf, well he has gotten really, really drunk n smoked a lot on Sunday (the 8th of july), so I was super sarcastic to him to show my anger. He told me I was evil and mean. He meant every word of it as that was his way of stating to me in front of his friend that my words hurt him, but I was hoping he would get the hint that his drunkenness of actions (which was one of pure acting like a 16 year old was REALLY angering me). So, everytime as of late, sunday n then last night, he wasn't drunk, but he was buzzed his friend brought over beer and he drank and I was just sarcastic with 3 people in the room. I am pretty much hateful of alcohol. I am getting to the point where I am sick n tired of it and I am not taking it any longer. He isn't being violent to me, he is being annoying n just the act of drinking because his firends, these people who spend money on booze n smoke, yet gripe all the time to us about paying their bills come n get him messed up. I HATE IT. So, I am taking a new approach here. ESPECIALLY to those that interupt me and think even though they are more than 4 years younger than me, know it all. I am done.

He'll think it is the Keppra, the mood swings, me, I am angry about what I am. He asks what is wrong n I will blow it off by being the nice one, the great girlfriend until he screws up with alcohol. Then I will turn into the sarcastic b**ch he just will have to wonder what is up until it dawns on him that it isn't a med I am taking, it is HIM and the ALCOHOL.

He isn't stupid, so I wonder how long it will take. I mean we are honest and talk all the time, but you know, he needs to figure this out by himself.

Thanks and as for my mind today, well I am oh k thus far, but he has been sleeping. There are 3 beers in the fridge n they are not his, so let us see how it goes for now. I am hurting in my wrists n my back pretty bad n the laundry needs done, I need to see if he is going to do the stuff or if I have to break myself to do it (I can not lift the laundry basket due to my two sprained wrists..............I fell 2 weeks on monday ago. I stepped over him and my right big toe bent under and I went down, well I had a 20oz. water bottle in my right hand and I went flying forward and rolled my left wrist first when I landed on it, then I rolled my right wrist over and under the water bottle when I hit the other side on the ground.........)........I was angry cause he was griping about it was to hot out yesterday for him n I had to deposit his money in the bank, so I did the food shopping n the other stuff (which that was lighter), but still none of it helped my wrists any when I had to pack the bags and carry stuff, so I got back n called him on the way n told him to open the door n carry stuff in.

k, well I am getting a bit angry n I have been so good on not taking so much valiums this month cause the keppra has been making me tired, so I don't want to get to the point of eating one cause I am getting mad or anything. So, I have the next post to read n answer. Thanks again for the post n hope to see ya here again.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 07:16 AM   #5
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

Emerald - All good and I do not mind the questions. First, I thank you for not judging me as so many do automatically about my girls. It is plenty that I feel it everyday, let alone the fact that when it occurred I had to hear the things from my family of 'why did u give MY grand kids away' or "MY nieces' you know? They were always theirs, never MY daughters. Plus the fact that my family figured they could raise them (they didn't do such a good job with me, why would I inflict that on my children when I want them to have a chance with not becoming bipolr or BPD, I mean heck, if it is has a chance of not being genetic, then I want them to be in a better enviorment). I love my parents, but I also know them...........

Anyhow, My boyfriend, after I moved in with him saw an immeidate problem and spoke with him about seeing my psych doc. He wasn't hard to agree with me on that one. He knew he needed help. I was grateful for that. He knew that there was a lot of things he needed to get through and that he could use the help of someone professional. He came with and there we have it. I feel (and through out all of my relationships, which have been a lot........kind of sad to say since I am 32) that he is my soul mate. I am a stubborn Gemini at times. I am controlling and need to know I am right at times as well, plus the fact that for some reason, I can not walk out on this man as of yet. I told him three things. They are clearly stated and he knows them now and has been reminded twice. 1 - If there is ever another physicallity, then that is it, he will leave my home. 2 - I will always love him and no matter what occurs, in the end him and I shall always remain friends. 3 - Even when he feels that no one cares about him, I do.

See, he has had it pretty rough, but then again we all have had our hells. He had his father literally physically beat him, punch him and abuse him a lot when he was younger, then he was just not that good at holding his emotions in, then with his ADHD, he bounced everywhere in his mind amongst the other ADHD things (which I personaly can not stand, but like better than the alcohol crap). He'll walk away from a conversation, in the middle, while we are talking. I hate that!!!! Anyhow, plus he was diagnosed with Bipolar. Not surprised. But anyhow, he had gotten thrown out as he was an only child n his mom was trying to show tough love, he was a ward of the state at one point, I mean he had a kid when he was 15 with an older chick that was 19 I think but she took advantage of him.......no one cared, his mom wanted to help, but the chick wanted to pop out a kid to get on welfare..........well, these past years that I have been around, he had been brought back to getting along with his mom and daughter (which he had not seen his daughter for a long time and ever spent any dad, daughter time with ever cause of the way things happened with her birth...............but I am the one who brought the family back together, I HELPED him get back in touch with his mom, then I helped with his daughter).

Anyhow, so he got married in 98, the same time I did obviously both of us to separate people and he had a son, but his wife drank a bunch n did drugs, so did he, but he was more sober to take care of the kid. his son has autism, but after his ex-wife (which I am the one who got her to pay for the divorce as of last year or he would of never been divorced) drove the car into the lake with their son n her boyfriend in it, she was drunk...........I mean come on!!!! So anyhow, I am just saying basically he hasn't seen his son at all in person, but his mom gives him updated to year photos.

ME? I haven't seen my kids at all. I do not know what my girls look like. Last time I saw my girls I have photos. youngest was 8 months old n oldest was almost 2 years, a month before her b-day.

he tells me to not be sad, to get over it, it was the past, I tell him he sees what his kids look like now, heck he talks n sees his daughter which is 17. his son he has up to date photos of. me? I could pass my kids on the street n not know it but maybe I could get a feeling???

oh k, now I am babbling here, I am sad, getting worse and I need to stop for now, but I am sorry that I left stuff out if i did. just ask whatever i didn't answer for you, please.

talk tomorrow usually.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 03:53 PM   #6
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

If I had known then what I know now I might have done the same with my own son. I love him dearly but he probably would have been better off with a more stable family. Of course, for me it is water beneath the bridge. I haven't seen my son since Dec of 2005 when he was almost killed in a car wreck. Somedays he feels more like a dream then real. So nope I can't judge someone else for doing what they feel or felt was best. I figure there are enough of those people out there who do that as is. Why add one more to the mix.

I can identify with growing as your boyfriend did. I was given up on and tossed out before I was sixteen and the Bipolar was at the root of it. They couldn't take it anymore. It was rough and it has some lasting effects to this day. It is not easy trying to raise yourself or make it in a group home situation where you are just a name rather then a person. It leaves scars some you see some you don't. Perhaps the drinking is just a way to not see or feel those scars. Or a way of not feeling other things on the inside. It sounds like you are a good influence on him and someone he needs very much in his life. SOme people don't realize sometimes when they have someone fighting for them how lucky they are. There are so many who have no one except their own silence. In some ways I hope you both fight for each other and that it is a blessing rather then a curse.

Though the past remains the past there are things in it that touch our lives everyday. Some hold our hearts for a minute while others are either super glued or chained to it. Children are one such item. I know someone who had two children as a surrogate. She use to get photos of them for a long time and the last time I saw a pict of them was years ago. THey look just like her in many ways. There are days when I was home that I would look outside and wonder if any of the kids playing could be them. Then I quit looking or wondering. It would serve no one any good now. Still I think of them often and wish they knew what a loving aunt they might have had and in many ways do have. No, I hold it not against their birth mother at all. They have a good life and that is what counts most of all. They are loved and well. Maybe one day they will look for the family.

Bipolar is a struggle all by itself then you add life or other things to the mix and you are never quite sure just what the result of the recipe will be. I mean in some cases it could be a elegant cheesecake (yummy!) or pot luck that is void of any luck.

Deb

 
Old 07-10-2007, 06:15 PM   #7
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

I'm not a judge mental person, you needed to do what you thought was right. I had my son at 23, I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 months, my whole life turned around and I only had 4 months to prepare. I was dabbling with drugs and just being bipolar, I know if it wasn't for my son I wouldn't be here I was also very suicidal at that time... Little did I know having him would create more kaos for me regarding his father (that is a whole other issue).. Anyways, you would of thought I learned my lesson but my recklessness got me into trouble 1 more time, I decided to not go through with the pregnancy.

Well that is a part of my story that I never thought I would tell... No one is perfect especially when you have to struggle in order to be some what sane..
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Old 07-11-2007, 06:47 AM   #8
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

Emerald - Oddly enough his ADHD is the bothersome thing, but once more, dealing with someone Bipolar is something completely different, I mean I have a whole new found respect for my ex husband and want to tell him how sorry I am for thinking he was a jerk the way he treated me, I mean it isn't easy 95&#37; of the time and I HAVE Bipolar, even though no two Bipolar's are alike as the name might be, the name of the rapid cycling might be, but we all differ in our ways.

As for his love, well he was asked blatantly if he does love me and he said he was with me out of love and convenience. I truly thought about it and I gather I feel the same, but my love over-powers every time, and I think he is so scared to admit that he is in love with me that he has to fall back on other things to try to scare me off.

It doesn't work and then he faulters with his words. I mean a couple ex: Once when he was sober and we had a huge fight (words), I mean our first huge largest argument that shook the earth, I packed my stuff (we were house sittting) and I told him he would just have to stay here at his friends, then I stopped as he was yelling at me, you know, after that minute of silence and I turned and calmly, in pure quiet vocals said, [his name]....just remember that I love you and I always will. No matter what happens, I will be just a phone call away and I am a friend you can talk to. He was angry that I didn't argue back at him. I didn't yell, I was calm and rational. I have been taught (trained) by my psych doc over the years, plus all the practice I have done with my self soothe skill to just automatically dump down into that mode to shut down. He wants me to fight and I don't, I gather he needs that to feed into showing how I care............I don't feed into the fight, there are no two emotional minds going at it and therefore things calm instantly to a talk. BOOM! We have a wiser mind conversation and then rationality takes over where we can just mellow out and then express how each other felt, then feels. k, example # 2 - He is drunk. We argue walking back from the bar to our apt., we get here and he tells me to shut my mouth. I do. Hold it in. We get inside so he won't leave again I keep my mouth shut, I am getting really really angry and need to get it out or I am going to explode and hurt myself, so I twist my words like I am great at doing (heck I do PR, so it works out really well here......knowing how to say something 20 different ways, the same thing that is--drives him crazy), I get it out and he gets loud and yells more. He comes off with I'm leaving you tomorrow, I'm moving in with my buddy. Yelling at me. I calmly, with a low voice, just hide within myself and drop to rational within a second time. I'll get your meds together and write you a list of when your doctor appointments are so you do not miss them. He looks at me in shock. I stopped arguing and I got quiet, real quiet and was rational about things to do the next day for when he said he was leaving me. BOOM! He did not know what hit him with the quiet chick that was so angry a literal second ago. He HATES when I do not fight or argue to keep him with me. He feeds off it and needs it, I guess he is used to the fighting, I used to be............but now, it isn't worth it. I am 32, not 17. I don't want it anymore. If I am going to get left, then so be it, but I want him to know that (I told him when we first got together) I will always be here for him when we go our separate ways, IF we ever do. He can call me, and I will be more than happy to be a shoulder. I truly believe he is my soul mate and he believes I am his.

That is just our thoughts and our feelings on it, but this diseased minds of ours is what kills us in every other aspect. He wakes up and wonders (first thought) what is she going to go through today? That is pretty bad, BUT accurate, now that is the sad part, me? well I think, when is he going to drink? That is sad, but accurate, I got angry yesterday because he had 1 beer.

I can't do this.

anyhow, as for the kids, well I dreamt last night that I met my girls when they were grown up. They looked good, but I was realistic, they were a bit big and I told my oldest that I was her mother. She looked at me and didn't know what to say at first then got her mom's sarcasm out. I loved it. I got her to let me take a pic of her on my cell. I saw my youngest too, but I woke before I got to remember anything through the whole conversation........my dream jumped, they were still in it, but we were in a supermarket, a small mom n pop shop.............oh, there was a boy with my oldest, named Jake, it was weird cause he said he was mine n my bf's son. which is impossible cause my tubes are tied. then I know they have a 'brother' the couple had a boy adopted already before my girls, so then the story changed in my dream to that is who he was, I think, but come on, at first that is who he was, but the name changed too cause that name is one that my friend named his kid.

k, well I have another answer to give n I have babbled long enough.

Take care,

me

 
Old 07-11-2007, 06:58 AM   #9
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

Dee - There are so many things I have NOT told that if you knew them, and you guys that have replied to me seem beyond non-judgmental here, but might change your tune depending on your personal views. I know that when I was younger...........I never thought anywhere but in my autobiography this would be placed..........I was pregnant quite a bit. My parents drug me off more than two times because they thought me unfit to have kids. So there ya go on that one.

Then, well let's just say I would of been a heck of mom with a large family of 5 now..........but I am not, I am with the bf I am with, which seems like I am the mom of a 32 (hitting 33 in August this year) year old. So, what ya gonna do? Nothing I can do. I felt like I had murdered those poor innocent souls, yet I am not the one who can judge. I shall not judge. My parents made decisions for me before I was 18 and I had to make one decision for myself and my bf when I needed to (emerald, maybe that was what the boy came back to say to me, it was oh k or something).

I mean there was no way bf n I could raise a child, not with the facts laid out that my girls are gone because of me and he, well he is who he is. I have not changed in the mind and I would not subject a child to that. Let alone the fact that the cramps and other thigns included occurred, well what had happened did and the decision was made, I was left to go alone though. bf did not go with me, I had to get a ride from some one I knew, dropped off an hour away, then I called my exhusband to pick me up. He gave me more of a shoulder than the bf did at the time over 2 years ago.....maybe 3 years ago.

That is sad, I was scared to death, I was hurting emotionally, mentally and wasn't feeling to great in the body, my mind was breaking and my heart was pretty much gone, but hey, had my ex husband there in the end of it all to talk to me during the ride home and to not judge me, actually told me I did the right thing of which he had never believed prior and then was my shoulder when I started to cry. The man I walked out on for my bf who acts 17 years old or less at times.........

oh k, well I need to go here, I am crying and there is also a rain storm, irony, isn't it.

Dee, just know you are not alone with prior drug use or anything else and as for other things within my life, well I wrote it all out when I remembered it in my book, so to bad I can't give u my email or I would send u the book to read. ya know.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 08:39 AM   #10
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Dee-nah HB User
Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

I remember when I got mine, it was a secret, no one knew except me and my boyfriend at the time... We went to a friends house so I could sleep, woke up with a high fever, got rushed to the hospital and almost died. I had a massive infection through out my body, till this day I see it as punishment for my actions. At that point I had to tell my family who took it well but my mother pretty much called me every name in the book.. I will never forgive her for that. THEN I got pregnant again and lost the baby, maybe God knew that I needed to get my crap together!

I think it was at that point I began to starve myself, I didn't have any control over anything in my life, and in some cases even raising my child. My mother is an overbearing person, I guess I figured I could control what goes in my mouth OR just beat myself up more since I didn't care if I lived or died.

Oh boy, got to stop there... I'm a bit overwhelmed! This is why we are here right, we will all get stable it's just a matter of time!
__________________
All you need is love....

Last edited by Dee-nah; 07-11-2007 at 08:39 AM.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 11:53 PM   #11
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

I just wanted to say that I read your first post and not all the subsequent correspondances so this may be out of place. Sorry

I just wanted to say that I am wishing you the best. I am BP. I have a good friend who is BPD and BP but will not admit it because he is so ashamed of it.

Sometimes I feel a lot of shame about being BP...it comes and goes but I deal with it as best as I can. The board has been helping me vent about that issue.

Through his stories and my personal experience with him during the past 10-11 years, I know what he is going through. But he is now a Dean at a prestigious univ.,less than 35 years old, and on track to a college pres. somewhere. People just love this guy so much but there is so much they don't see from outside appearances. So you can be successful with it in many ways. From what I know through him there is a significant amount of inner turmoil as you eloquently described in your previous posts.

I feel a lot of empathy for you and I am praying for your safety, health and holistic well being.

All the best,
Veljul

 
Old 07-12-2007, 07:43 AM   #12
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bpd_bipolar HB User
Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

Dee - It is one struggle after another, as it seems to me. I also believe in karma, fate and destiny. I can only hope that through out my actions with my 2 girls that I have actually done something so selfless to repay for all the self fish things I have done in the past, let alone the fact that I never even thought that until this very second. I mean honestly here, I love them more than anything, they hold such a large part of my heart and soul that I feel pain and at times wonder if they are hurt. A necklace that I bought to symbolize them and myself within the middle to watch over them both, well I wore it everyday, never took it off, within the past week it has fallen off 3 times. I had looked at the clasp the first 2 and nothing was wrong with it. I mean there were times were things were physically rough on it (in majorly good ways which I won't get into, but I am sure u can figure it out) and I have leaned on it and it staid on.....but then I took my shower and put a towel on my hair, I had to repostition the towel and then it fell off one more time. THAT is when the feeling came upon me that something might be wrong with my girls. I know everyone can call it superstition, but I can only hope that since I only know the town (and ironically my ex-husband drove me past the house but took me on so many back roads and had me busy that he never told me where we were going so I could memorize the one thing on this earth that I would of just to drive by and see them in the yard playing, ya know? Killing the inside of me each time, but knowing they are safe............then I ended moving in with the bf and I lived 10 minutes away from my girls at that point.......it ate me up inside then and knowing that they, well if they still live there, are just a 20 minute drive, is something that is comforting yet hurting me).................where am I going with this here................sorry, confused a bit today with this one, I am just a little bit feeling out of sorts, but I need to work on my diary card to figure out my trigger here (it ISN'T YOU, I need to talk about this stuff, YOU ARE HELPING if anything..............no one is who I have to listen to me, I thank you..........)..........my psych doc gives me homework to keep my skills worked on, they are a great thing.

Anyhow........I lost track here.

As for your troubles, with my beliefs (I am agnostic btw, just means I take a little from each religion and ball it together to one belief, even though I grew up another religion, jewish, but I wasn't down with all of the holiday's and thoughts about that, heck I went to a Catholic highschool lol, my parents put me in for 10th grade till 12th, I graduated and then I HAD to go to religion class, BUT they had given me the coolest teacher, I got lucky for that 3 year stretch no preaching, but inner thinking and we were allowed to speak our minds so we could find our own ways)........my mom converted from jewish to christian I think last year or something, and now I am doing it again to you........sorry.

Oh k, for your troubles........!!!! Here we go- my thoughts are that everyone goes through their own hard times and that we do get our karmatic pay through out this life within the next and so on, BUT since everything should even out, then you are doing better now? Better than you were, right? I mean I have a saying that I stand by and it is "Things can always be worse". I mean it is true, ya know. Turn on the news and you see it with others, a comparison (one of the skills taught to us).................

Man, I would love for everyone to have learned these skills from DBT, I mean they are so helpful and I know it seems silly, but if you are open minded and let yourself WANT to be helped, then my doc is so right about it, Marsha Linehan is one good woman to teach this stuff. You should check out a book at a book store just to puruse it or ask your psych doc if he/she knows who MARSHA LINEHAN is. What she teachs and stuff. I mean she teaches, in my opinion excellent DBT skills that do help, as long as you are willing to try them with an open mind. You'll be surprised how you end up re-training your brain at times to stop things that you do when you are manic or depressed, it has helped me stop cutting 98%, I might slip, but haven't for beyond the longest time!

So.............I am done getting lost within my words and I hope you made some sense here. Sorry I went off so weird, I am just a bit I gather confused within my head today/this morning. Might be the fact that the Topamax is finally out of my system, well I am not taking it at all anymore, last night was the done point and today is the first full day of effects of that so my new keppra has it's way wth me with the Trileptal..........who knows.

Be back tomorrow to talk to you.

 
Old 07-12-2007, 08:00 AM   #13
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

Veljul - I thank you for leaving the message. My perspective is that anyone who has BPD/Bipolar does not have it occasionally, but has it. If they chose to deny that they do have a problem or can not admit that they do because they are a prestigous type (I mean NO OFFENSE here at all) then they still need to get help. I mean this disease does not discriminate. It does not care your age, color, weight, height or what job you have and especially if you are male or female, although females are more likely to get BPD, from what I understand..........again, my words and NO OFFENSE meant here.

I can hold myself very well in the presence of people when I have to. I am an owner of a company that deals with people within in situations that scare the heck out of me at times, but I do it and with that fake smile upon my face I go on. Public relations is what I do and the company I own is one that has been going for almost 10 years now under my control........now I am not bringing in money off of it, but I am helping out between bands and record labels, thus meaning I am the one here who has been throwing benefit concerts and had to go on stage in front of a lot of people, I was SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE, but I got through it with some deep breathing and a valium. Manner of fact it was for one of the Cancer benefits I believe and it was set so it would run my birthday which had been on a weekend that year. I was taken up on stage and the singer sang to me and danced with me. I was concentrating on his face, trying to block out the audience and just keeping a smile upon my face and having a good time, which was authentic, but I was scared to death there. I do not have agoraphobia, but I am an anxious person along with my BPD/Bipolar as well and there are also the speaking on the mic parts that scared me too.

In any case all I am getting at is that everyone that has a problem, needs to address it and admit it.

DEE N ALL = I finally got my ADHD/Bipolar boyfriend to admit last night that he has a drug/alcohol problem. It was a difficult thing to do, but I was very soft spoken and seeing him last night flaking because he didn't have a buzz was the last thing for me. I talked to him and let him know very gently that I saw this and he needed to hear what he was saying and how he was saying it. I do not consider smoking a problem, but if you are being a mean person who is getting annyoed super fast because you do not have a high that day, then YES, you DO have a problem. He broke for a second and I got through. He let go and cried super super briefly, I went to him and told him to come here, very soft spoken, again.........he pulled away, but I made sure to give a partial hug to make sure he knew he wasn't alone.

See, to the ones we admire, to the ones that we love as friends, lovers, or for family ways, we need to help them when we see something wrong or multiple things.

It is important.

 
Old 07-12-2007, 09:10 AM   #14
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veljul HB User
Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

I wish he would admit it as well (my friend). Denial is a major problem with any mental illnes and is so common for many reasons.

I hope that all works out for the best with your friend.

Take care,
Veljul

 
Old 07-12-2007, 11:41 PM   #15
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Re: Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar +

I hope he will come to terms with his habit or addiction and do something to better himself. I find it amazing that you are able to do what you do in reference on how you become rational. I need to learn to do that badly. The thing is when I get mad as I am at the moment it is inward I don't talk, eat, or live. I just boil inside of me. So if I could prevent the boiling I could stop living at the Broke Down Palace. Not a nice place to be and no maid service or chef. Darn!

I do think moms know when something is wrong with their children. And I do believe that the dream was you telling you that they are ok type of thing. I use to have similar ones with my son and in them he would be smiling happy like and not so hateful or angry all the time. You got take comfort from where you can get it sometimes.

Bipolar def. does not descriminate and tends to treat us all crappy. lol At least it is consistent in that one. I love this board in the good and bad times. It helps me to read and reread what others go through or think. There are plenty of times I don't have much to say and then others I can't seem to shut up.

Sorry I have missed answering this thread for the last little bit. It's been a mixed bag of tricks on this end and I see that you are still moving forward. Not really holding yourself back into the past where some of the worst pain lays. Which is good to a point but remember it has to be dealt with you know. I bet you are doing it without even knowing that you are.

So take care and see ya later.
Deb

 
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