Depressed - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

harmony06 · 07-30-2007, 06:07 AM

sorry, just need someone to talk to. i'm feeling pretty depressed right now which is why i don't know how my husband can possibly say that i'm acting a bit manic. after writing my other thread last night i almost wrote another because i had gotten into it with my daughter and i'm afraid that she won't let me see my grandbabies. never mind its not like anyone hasn't had these types of problems before, its just that i'm totaly depressed. part of my depression was made a bit worse when i got up this morning to find out that nobody answered my thread from last night.

does anyone else ever get the feeling like nobody cares? how do you handle it? i hate it, its just the worse possible way to feel. I have felt this was off and on through out my life, ( more on then off ) and it can be so devastating. i truely believe that noone cares, not even my family so don't you people feel bad about this. i just feel like noone likes me, noone wants anything to do with me, everyone thinks that i'm stupid, and i can't stand feeling this wayl
till next time

harmony

NutshellNutter · 07-30-2007, 06:24 AM

Hey harmony,
We care, which is why you have posted here. Most of all, posting here shows that you care about yourself - and that is perhaps the most important caring person we can have - ourselves.

I hear your cries of depression - the loneliness, the frustration, the anger. I hear your cries as I have cried liked this too. A lack of inner positive self-esteem can eat away at us subconsciously, rattling us to our bones, so that in the worst of our depression it comes out as anger towards others. I have felt like this.

You are not alone. Perhaps alot of people felt as you did last night, had a bad night, a depressed night, a manic night, a night where they couldn't be bothered with others and needed to be bothered with themselves. Perhaps that is why noone replied to your thread. I am sure it was not personal message of people ignoring you as I know that you have respect on this board. I have seen the messages that you have written to others, and I know that others will reply in their own time.

This is a trick that I used to employ when trying to not get angry at others for leaving me out. That is, that I had to mentally completely dissociate from them. IE, I had to tell myself outloud that it was THEIR option to do whatever they did (ie. not respond to your thread) for THEIR reasons which were UNKNOWN to me. Saying this reminded me that others were not out to attack me, rather it was me attacking me. Others will always have the right to their own lives - that is their right just as you and I have ours. Gosh, does that make sense?? Very hard to try to put into words!!

I am sure that tohers look at you and see a person that they are glad to be associated with. Someone who is strong and detremined through their illness. You cannot see it, as you are ill, depressed, but they are there standing beside you. Your family cares more than you could ever know - the problem I find myself is that I can't tell myself that someone cares for me as I feel too 'bad' to be able to be loved, cared for. No matter if they say it - I won't accept it. Negative self esteem again - it's got alot to answer for. You are worth being loved, you are loved and you do love. It is the mantle of depression which hides these thoughts from you but they are there.

I do hope that you begin to feel some harmony in Harmony's world today

.

Nut.

tsohl · 07-30-2007, 08:30 AM

Hi Harmony ~

Nut makes some good points.

I did read your post from last night, quite late, and I was tired and didn't quite know what I wanted to say, so I decided to put off replying til this morning...and then I saw this post. I'm sorry that you felt like no one cared.

It almost sounds like you are having a mixed episode. Talking fast and some of the other things you mentioned last night are usually a sign of hypo/mania, but what you describe today hints of depression. Has anything happened to make your medications less effective? I thought you had been feeling quite stable over the past couple months....

This will be worth discussing with your pdoc. You probably already know this, but summer often brings on a period of mania and sometimes people need to increase their meds as a result. Do you have some new stresses in your life?? I know you're worried about your son, so that doesn't help the situation.

Regarding your daughter, I imagine she blurted that out in the midst of heated words -- she knows that is the one thing she can hold over your head and she must have been feeling vindictive to have said that. I doubt very much she really meant what she said.

Please call your pdoc if you find yourself starting to slip over the edge.

(((((HUGS)))))
Tsohl

harmony06 · 07-30-2007, 07:39 PM

nutshellnutter, i want to thank you, what you said truely makes alot of sense to me. i do have a very negative self esteem and whenever i'm depressed i always feel like noone cares. i feel worthless, like a piece of trash, and i was fine when i began this post and the tears are just welling up, i just can't help myself. i do want to thank you for reminding me that i am not alone.

toshl, i'm sorry, i didn't have a right to insist that someone answer my thread. at least that is what i think that i did. thank you for posting to this one, although now i feel like i'm pressuring you, although you have always answered and given me good advice. putting all that aside my pdoc is changing my meds. i was up to 1200mg of depakote, 100mg lamictal. i'm getting off the depakote due to the side effects ( hair loss, weight gain, ect. ). i am now down to 250mg depakote, 100mg lamictal and he has also started me on 5mg abilify.
the first week was hard due to the side effects of the changes. lightheadedness, chest pain, queasy, ect, ect. then i was fine for a few days, i acctually felt great although my husband was and still is complaining alot about what i'm doing. but i was finally feeling fine, i didn't feel like i was hypo-manic. and then about four days ago i've noticed my mood going downhill. sometimes i don't know how i can possibly handle another day, but somehow i do and then things tend to get better. i'm going to see my pdoc tomorrow so i'm confident that everything will be fine now.
i feel kind of stupid for placing this thread this morning especially since i'm seeing my pdoc tomorrow but i was really down and out. i didn't know where to turn and needed to get it off of my chest. sorry if i offened anyone, i didn't mean to.

till next time

harmony

harmony06 · 07-30-2007, 08:00 PM

tsohl, you had asked if i had any other stresses in my life. i forgot to answer that. i have applied for volenteer work at the red cross and i'm a little stressed about it. i'm still waiting to hear back from them but i'm pretty confident that they will put me to work doing office work, and although this is what i want i've never done it and i'm a bit scared.

that is minor compared to this other problem. i have a brother who is bipolar and schizophrenic, and he has been hospitalized many times in his life. then for many years he took care of my mother who past away five years ago. she was the reason he stayed out of the hospital so long, it was because they were helping each other. after she died he had to move from a house into an apartment. he's never made it in a rent before. last year he had to be hospitalized due to the fact that he was deffinitly manic and lost control. the problem is they only kept him in for two weeks.

well, he didn't do too bad a guess, ( we noticed that he was becoming manic again a while back but there was nothing we could to. he wouldn't listen to us but he also wasn't a danger. ) but about 4 or was it 6 weeks ago, we had to have him commited in a long term facility. this is really stressing me out he calls and tells me hes comming home, he's getting out tommorow. to tell you the truth he doesn't make any sense because he's still too manic. my sister spoke to him tonight and told me that he sounds alot better so i called him. to me he still sounds manic. his mind is alover the place. i'm afraid that they will let him leave before he's ready.

don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what he'll do if i speak to his doctor about him. he has always scared me and he raises his voice and gets in your face. i know i need to speak to his doctor to make sure they understand that he's not ready to be released yet. these doctors don't know hiim.

anyway you asked about stresses. sorry i went on and on.

till next time

harmony