Having so many doubts - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

marshmallow · 08-01-2007, 08:15 AM

As each day goes by and I feel more depressed I realize how living with an unmedicated bp has affected me. I am remembering the abuse and doubting myself for putting up with it for so long. I want to remember good memories but most were spoiled by his rage over something. I keep asking myself why did I love him so much when this man hurt me over and over. I ask myself why didnt he get help if he really wanted a marriage? I know he was very sick but somewhere at some moment couldnt he see he needed help? Why does a man take drugs and he wont take meds from a doctor that will help him. I know he is gone and I need to put all this to rest but my tdoc said it is something I need to work through by talking about it. I told him I needed to see some gentleness from him and not always the rage and anger yet it still came over and over. This is just so hard to be left with all this to sort out and stop doubting what I did. I know now I should of left when the violence started instead of trying to fix it or hope he would get help. This has done a number on me that I am seeing now that he is gone. When you live with being called names and walking on eggshells all the time it does something to you and you often do not realize it until you are away from it or you lose it yourself by having bad health. I can remember so many times he would rage at me and then after I would turn on tv like nothing had happened. I was just numb and felt nothing of the things I should of felt. I feel sad that I told John not long before he died that the marriage had sucked me dry. I had no more to give. No one should live that way. When a relationship takes who you are away from you it is way past time to get out. I am so depressed now that I can understand the depression a bp feels.

jon12 · 08-01-2007, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marshmallow

As each day goes by and I feel more depressed I realize how living with an unmedicated bp has affected me. I am remembering the abuse and doubting myself for putting up with it for so long. I want to remember good memories but most were spoiled by his rage over something. I keep asking myself why did I love him so much when this man hurt me over and over. I ask myself why didnt he get help if he really wanted a marriage? I know he was very sick but somewhere at some moment couldnt he see he needed help? Why does a man take drugs and he wont take meds from a doctor that will help him. I know he is gone and I need to put all this to rest but my tdoc said it is something I need to work through by talking about it. I told him I needed to see some gentleness from him and not always the rage and anger yet it still came over and over. This is just so hard to be left with all this to sort out and stop doubting what I did. I know now I should of left when the violence started instead of trying to fix it or hope he would get help. This has done a number on me that I am seeing now that he is gone. When you live with being called names and walking on eggshells all the time it does something to you and you often do not realize it until you are away from it or you lose it yourself by having bad health. I can remember so many times he would rage at me and then after I would turn on tv like nothing had happened. I was just numb and felt nothing of the things I should of felt. I feel sad that I told John not long before he died that the marriage had sucked me dry. I had no more to give. No one should live that way. When a relationship takes who you are away from you it is way past time to get out. I am so depressed now that I can understand the depression a bp feels.

I feel for you, I feel for those that love the BP. I've come to the conclusion that the unipolar living with the unmedicated BP has no chance of a healthy life, none. I, for over forty years of my life, had always thought their were always options. As I, you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.
God loves you, if you answer when he knocks he will move mountains. Blessed, are the grieving, they will find comfort; just answer the knock. He will put you in the right place at the right time so many times you will not be able to pass it off as coincidence. Give him a chance and he will heal your heart. Compassionate hearts such as yours are known.

emeraldeyes114 · 08-02-2007, 03:21 AM

Marsh,

(((Hugs))) There are some times more questions then answers. Sometimes there are more tears then perhaps hugs. Sometimes it is all the above and more that we may not have words for. I know that I don't have the words for perhaps what you are asking or seeking or even that which perhaps you cannot name just yet. I do know in time with much strength from yourself and those that you love the perspective will change. I only say that from a daughter stand point over a father who is gone now. I loved him very much and know he loved me. Yet, there are days I wish so much more and wish most of all he were here to ask those questions of. He's not and I can't change that not now at any rate. He was a silent man in one set of mind always doing the right thing, the proper father thing, but never living for himself. I think that in the end he saw this and it made it worse. It left us with a feeling of if only...something I hope never to leave those who love me and that I love in return. Work through the pain, grieve, and keep talking. It takes time and there is no limit to the grief one feels and how you feel it. There is no easy or wrong way to feel it. There are reasons why you are going over the things that you are. Just don't let yourself drown in it either. It will pull you in like quicksand and leave you gasping for air. You've got this board and those who are here. We care, we listen, and we are here.

Deb

marshmallow · 08-02-2007, 07:16 AM

Jon and Emerald, thank you so much for your kind words. It helps when someone understands your feelings. I appreciate it very much.

faerie85 · 08-02-2007, 11:50 AM

dear marshmallow,
i think i can relate to ur feelings of numbness and sadness. Its hard sometimes knowing the right thing to do in a situation involving people you love. remember that you are strong, don't let this pain pull you down, don't let it break you. I'm sure that soon you will find a light at the end of what now must seem like an endless tunnel, but it will come, i promise you.
I wish you all the happiness, luck and love in the world
Faerie x