just need to talk to someone who understands - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

cyclomaniac · 09-08-2007, 09:43 PM

my first choice was to talk to my mom because right now i am experiencing what i saw her experience for YEARS, but she's not picking up the cell or the home phone.

i don't know if this is a bp issue or what, but since i'm 99.9999% certain that whatever i have my mom has, and vice versa, and i may or may not have seen this in my bp sister, i'm going to talk about it here and maybe someone will understand it.

as a quick summary, dx three weeks ago with cyclothymia, got put on an AD only and quit after two weeks because it made me super hypomanic and mixed (worse than ever before experienced!!), started a VERY low dose of abilify (currently 1mg a day, i guess just since i had a very unexpected mood reaction to the low dose of the usually nice guy wellbutrin). i've been on that for three days, so since it's so new and such a low dose, i'm not expecting miracles yet. i'm not getting any, either.

well, today i was a total turd. i went to bed early last night because i was totally exhausted for no apparent reason...finally couldn't keep my eyes open at 9pm so i fell asleep during the movie we were watching. slept in until 9 this morning (hubby tried to wake me earlier but i protested in my sleep with whining and grunting...barely remember it), still exhausted, but one of the cats clawed my foot, so there ya go. hubby got me some waffles in bed, went to the pool for a half hour or so...still had a negative outlook on the day (feeling like i wasted the entire WEEKEND...uhh, it's saturday, there's still tomorrow!!). fell asleep while doing laundry. woke up because i had cats crawling on me again. had a few bouts of hitting myself. made plans to go visit friends tonight, but then it became apparent that we were going to have to stay late in order to do that, an i really want to get myself on a good sleeping schedule...and i still feel tired anyway. well, started getting belligerent, hitting my head and screaming "f*** me again, just keep f***** me over and over again!" referring to not being on a good sleep schedule, told the hubby how he always blames his tiredness on me and how this is just going to mess us up all week, blah blah blah...some of it true but most of it exaggerated, the screaming and hitting was really unnecessary but that's the rage!

well, calmed down after a bit after i did some other stuff and ate dinner, discussed with husband and determined that he should still go out. i didn't know what i'd do without him home, but didn't really know what i'd do with him here, either. sad because i feel like we don't do anything fun together...but then he pointed out activities this morning and last night (and we're together every night) and i just can't really even justify why i feel that way, but this is what i am convinced of. i can't really even think of a way to improve things. bleh.

so, now i'm to the point of what we went through with my mother countless times. we're supposed to go somewhere, she gets in a mood at the last minute (or it erupts at the last minute...i'm sure hers built up like mine), she doesn't want to go anymore (this would even happen with family trips!) and tell everyone else to go and have fun. this leaves us wondering what the hell to tell people, and also leaves us feeling kind of off since she's not there and nobody understands. so, i just feel like this huge turd to my husband, just...UGH. i can't even put it into words. it's mostly like i just feel all the emotions i had from long ago...except now applied to me.

so, i wanted to talk to my mom about it, but she's not answering the phone, so, i guess it will have to wait. meanwhile, maybe one of you has something to offer. if not, that's okay, too, it's been somewhat theraputic to just write it down. i'm sure you can understand that, if not anything that i've just written!

Plakat · 09-08-2007, 10:37 PM

oh dear Cyc,
you sound like your in a right state! Reading your post brought back memories of the way I was 6 years ago I had not long picked up sticks and moved my mentally ill husband back to the east coast so he was close to his parents. I'd been away in Perth for 5 years after our daughter died aged 3 months in 1996. He was never the same after that.

I didn't get to grieve. I payed for that after I moved back here. Without warning I fell to peices. I was at the end of my tether after looking after him for 7 years. there hadn't been any chance for me to break down. The Marriage, or what was left of it fell apart and so did I. that was in 2002. I spent the next 18 months in hell. I was tired all the time. So tired, So exhausted.

When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did when I injured myself in 2004 @ work. then. the rapid Cycling started with a vengence. I had been working as a butcher in a large poultry processing plant. One of my supervisors gossiped about my newly Dxd Bipolar 2. I was already in severe physical and emotional pain already and now it was added to by rumors saying that I was unsafe with a knife and that everyone was afraid of me. So untrue.

Things came to a real head when one night, 2 days after starting on Valium I flipped out and Self harmed my left arm with a thankfully blunt pair of Scissors. I was immediately put under the care of a wonderful P doc who overhauled my meds. That was 3 years ago. I don't work anymore but I'm stable and reasonably content. I have a wonderful partner who Saw me through it all.
This place is full of supportive lovely people. So your never alone.

mamiacp · 09-08-2007, 10:57 PM

I am not bipolar but my daughter and husband are. They are both taking Abilify 2 mg twice a day. The doctor prescribed 3 times a day but it made them lethargic and unmotivated. My daughter complained of stomach pain and wanting to vomit but never did. She is much better now after two weeks. Today I gave her only half of her afternoon dose-we are running short of the samples our doctor gave us-and I noticed a huge difference. She was more cranky than before so tomorrow she will take the full dose.

It does sound like your sleep cycles need to be regulated. Do you take anything for sleep. Too little sleep can make you manic-at least that is what it did for my husband. It seems from your post that your husband is there for you at your time of crisis. That is great.

Do you see your tdoc regularly? Is he/she aware of your ups and downs?
Keeping a mood chart or documenting what happens and what time of day and also what precipitated the mood can be very helpful in diagnosing and prescribing medications. I mentioned the Abilify as it has been very helpful for my daughter and husband, but like all medications it might not be for you.
And the other thing is they both take a mood stablizer and sleep medication (trazadone).

The good news is that you are getting help and are aware something is amiss. You know many bipolars don't see themselves as the problem-everyone else is. My brother is like that huge denial. I would say to keep away from you mother and other family who have emotional illness beit bipolar,depression, anxiety or any other. You need to concentrate on getting better yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love or care about them, but the stress will not help your recovery.

I hope you sleep well tonight. Start writing things down and putting a date and time on it. Show it to your doctor on your next visit.

I hope things start to turn around soon for you. Things really can get better and there is help for this illness that affects so many people and their families.

Cristina

cyclomaniac · 09-08-2007, 11:17 PM

yeah, i am thankful for the self-awareness. i think i've always been alert to things because of it running in my family...for a long time i have been saying, "i'm turning into my mom!" or "i don't want to end up like my mom!" i've always blamed my problems on outside forces, though, like stress or school or this or that...but it has gone on so long that there is nothing left to blame it on. and it's always SOMETHING. i never ceased to find anything to blame it on. however, now all the things i used to blame my bad behavior on are GONE and everything in my life should be peachy. of course, it's not, so clearly it's a "me" problem. sure enough, i go to the doc and that's what they tell me.

as for the tdoc issue...i posted something else tonight about that...things aren't going so well with her!

cyclomaniac · 09-09-2007, 12:45 AM

so much for trying to go to bed early/on time. my husband came home and i was still awake. and he's lying in bed now and i'm still awake. can't go to sleep. to busy trying to figure out why the hell i am alive and what exactly i get out of living.

god i hate myself.