eccentric123

I don’t know where to start.

I guess the earliest I can remember.

Ill try to keep it brief.

I am a 23 y/o female law student, 115 pds, 5’4.

I was molested by my grandfather from the age I was 5 til I was 9 years old.

I had rare leg disease which left my crippled during those years. Dr.s said I would never be able to walk again normally.. or without a leg brace, ever.

But I did. and do.

When I was 9 - dont laugh - I woke up and saw Jesus, who touched my leg.

After that I could walk perfectly & ran a marathon last year.

During those years, my parents (whom I now adore) were alcoholics and extremely psychically/psychologically abusive to one another for years.

My dad did drugs, went to jail, had tons of mistresses’ had DUI’s, broke my moms jaw…all before I was the age of 15.

My mom self-medicated herself with booze, and became anorexic.

No one knew about my grandfather’s molestation of me.

When I was 16 I attempted to kill myself – bottle of Tylenol & ¾ bottle of vodka.

Didn’t work – was just hospitalized for a week & went to 5150 72hr hold @ a mental hospital. Was diagnosed prozac, did not take it.

I was always very attractive, California blonde bombshell, tan, skinny, smart, 4.0 GPA, captain of everything, really involved, friendly, social, outgoing. No one knew my inner struggles, I internalize everything.

Flash forward 4 years later. Undergrad was fine… a lot of socialization…tons of fun. By senior year of college I was applying to law school. Started feeling a little crazy again.

Developed bulimia- it has stayed with me since. Sometimes as often as 3 times a day, sometimes only once a week. Those weeks are good weeks. Saw a psychologist 3 times last year but was too impatient, I hated talking about my problems. I just want to cut to the chase and get the problem over with.

Decided to go to a school in NY instead of staying in CA.

Now I am in my second year, and am still in NY- met someone when I first moved here and I love him tremendously. The big problem is that I want to move back to CA but I am torn b/c I cannot leave him, and he is in medical residency here, ironic how he is a Dr…. so he cannot move back to CA.

I don’t know what to do. I have been feeling the craziest I have ever felt now than ever. I don’t have health insurance so I cant see anybody. I keep buying over the counter stuff such as Cortisol, or St. Johns Wort, or other items that claim to be “Positive Mood Elevators” and it seems to work for a little, but then I just feel crazy again.

At nighttime it gets really bad. I sleep maybe 4 hours a day. Sleep @ around 4-5am and wake up at 9. I never thought I could be bipolar, but I am starting to think that I am. I have been having social anxiety too. No one can see it, b/c I “appear” social- I am part of organizations, have friends, have a b/f and such, I just hate doing things w/people at law school b/c I don’t really like them.

I like being with my b/f he makes me happy.

i hate law school. I hate the stress, the anxiety, the pressure, and above all I hate the fact that I do not have a job yet for summer of 2008. that really stresses me out. I hate that I miss my family, I feel as though I am dwelling on my old life, dwelling on the past, wishing I could change things which I cannot. I wish I could rewind and change things.

I have really bad mood swings, I am snappy, irritable and cry for absolutely no reason. I have a terrible ulcer which is obviously caused from the throwing up, which I am trying to stop. Every time I do it I tell myself, okay, this is the last time I am going to throw up, and next time I will stop myself when I am binging.

But of course, when I feel the binge coming on, I cant stop. I just chow down the oreos, peanut butter, milk: everything, til I cannot anymore. Then I throw up. And feel relieved. Weigh myself in the morning: 115pds. Perfect. Nothing happened. Im fine. I say. I wont do it again. But I do. Then for a week ill graze on healthy snacks, run, workout, and then a week later ill binge, and throw up. Its been less recently bc of the ulcer. It hurts too damn much to throw up.

Recently ive felt a little suicidal. Like I don’t want to live. Like I hate dealing with this stuff. I just want to hide in under a rock. I dont want to face up to things I wish I would have done differently, like being top of my class, being on law review, being at a better law school, doing better on my LSAT, being in CA, having a job for the summer. Even though I have won many trial competitions and am a great trial attorney I want to be perfect. I am a total perfectionist. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I just want to be normal, like I was in 2003. life hasn’t felt that way since my sophomore year of college, when I was Social Chair of my sorority, a hooters girl, gogo dancer & model.

What is wrong with me – What can I do.

I don’t like medication. Oh, and if you are wondering. I have “experimented” w/cocaine, E, & weed when I was 18 & 19. Tried adderol twice last year. And I really really like coffee & caffeine containing drinks.

I cant concentrate. unless i absolutely have to. iam good at multi tasking. i hace scattered racing thoughts about nothingness. i cant sleep unless my dishes are cleaned. ok thats enough for now. help!!!! thank you.