naturemomma816

hey eveyone, I recently discovered this website while doing some research on the internet. anyway..

I'll give a lil' info on myself. I am in my early thirties and was diagnosed w/ BP in my early 20's after a suicide attempt. Since then I have read a lot of books, talked to many shrinks and self medicated or not.

I seem to be at a place in my life where I feel lost. I remember thinking when When I was younger that life would better as I aged. I thought, as you get older, have a family, get married - life will be better..... Well, here I am 10 yrs. later and this deep sadness has yet to leave. At times I find it comforting, it has been a lifetime partner afterall. I am also angry a lot. I feel as though I am not a good mother and often times feel like a crappy wife. Then there are the days where life is grand and all is right with the world. oh how I love the upswings.

I currenlty am not taking medication (big surprise huh), I just can't. I take xanax when my nerves are just completly shot but that's about it. I have tried evry medication there is. I either feel like a zombie, disconnected from everything, or I feel so sick I can't function. Some medications have made me cycle faster and I can't tell up from down. And some have made me very angry - these are the ones my husband hates the most (big surprise). I have also tried several DR.'s - I don't like feeling like I know my illness better than a DR.

The biggest problem for me is that I worry what I am doing to my child. My mother was also bi-polar, I am worried my child will have the same problems as me. I find myself trying to be distant in some way so that I don't ruin her emotionally, but as we all know this will also cause damage. Everything causes damage. I feel as though I am at a loss.

Anyway - this is me and my crap, thanks for letting me vent. I look forward to any advice an aging BP has to offer.