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Old 09-23-2007, 04:04 AM   #1
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Unhappy When is enough - enough??

My Fiancť is BP having being diagnosed in April this year. Her behaviour tho goes back over four years and has had such an effect on me. In the past 4 years she has ended our relationship 7 times. These were always during a manic episode and almost predictable. Either January / February or September. She has been unfaithful 5 times (only found out recently) and has lied to me from day one. She is really a very beautiful and giving person but undergoes a Jekyll & Hyde type transformation when manic.

She is also a substance abuser, started with alcohol but have found out recently about cocaine and steroids. She went missing in January this year and when she arrived back 3 months later, the steroids had even deformed her breasts and genitals. Well I was instrumental in getting her diagnosed. She was doing great when her family interfered once again. They convinced her to go to hospital as it would speed up her recovery. As a substance abuser she was delighted that there was a chemical option. I was against it but hoped that the hospital would help at least. After admission she realised that it was life skills training coupled with meds. They stopped all her meds in order to see if she was just an addict or BP. They did not contact me as her parents were listed as contacts. Nobody got my input and after 4 weeks she got herself discharged and moved back home to mommy. I was the swine that had her committed to the mad house.

Her family, brother - drug addict, step dad - alcoholic, Mommy - Pain killers have somehow convinced her she is not ill and have stopped all her meds except for sleeping tablets. She has now ended our engagement and is acting out her previous manic episodes all over again.

I really love this girl and realise the condition has a lot to do with her actions. Do you turn your back on a sick loved one because it is too hard? Is it ethical to place your happiness above anothers? I really donít know what to do because if I write her off, she has no-one except the druggies and alkies she calls friends. She has already tried to kill herself 3 times and sees me as her anchor when stable. I feel she needs to accept both her condition and her position. I know BP is about perspective and sufferers struggle to see the "actual" situation. She keeps finding her way back to me, no matter how bad it gets.

So I sit with the choice of walking away and risking her complete destruction or the possibility of her recovery and further pain for me. I feel so selfish for even asking this but I donít know where to turn. Even her doc wants nothing to do with her and has said I enable her.

Help.....................

 
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Old 09-23-2007, 05:21 AM   #2
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Re: When is enough - enough??

I have a lot I would like to say but will only say no one is responsible for another persons life. At some point each of us has decide to sink or swim.

 
Old 09-23-2007, 06:10 AM   #3
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Hi Dogmansa,

Welcome to the board! I'm sorry to hear that you having a bad time right now. Marsh is right, you are not responsible for your fiance, sometimes you have to do whats right for you. Your fiance is lucky to have you in her life. I think you may have some levage here, as you might think that there is nothing you can do, but you say she always finds her way back to you, if you wait for her to crash then when she comes back next time, she obviously knows that she can rely on you to be there for her, so I would suggest next time she comes to you, you put your foot down with her and tell her its your way or the high way. I know this may sound a bit hard, but it might be the kick up the backside that she needs and then no-one can tell you that you are enabling her anymore. Only she can decide what she wants and if you let her keep coming back time after time, then she won't realise that unless she gets the proper help, otherwise you will be gone. I know its really hard as I'm in the same boat as you, my b/f is BP1, we seem to be going round and round in circles and getting no-where. Please don't feel like you are alone, there are a few of us on this board that are in the same boat, the thread is "Concerned about a friend" please have a read and join in if you like, we are all trying to support one another and you are very welcome!

Well I just wanted to welcome you and let you know you are not alone. Please keep posting and update us when you can.

wend x

 
Old 09-23-2007, 06:29 AM   #4
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Hi Wend..

Thanks for the response. I think my greatest problem is understanding why it happens. Guess we all tend to look at ourselves and try attribute blame. My fiance has her issues and has had a very tough time growing up. Yet I suppose that it is never a good thing to allow anybody to walk all over you.

I am drained, mentally and emotionally and now it seems that her family who are responsible for a lot of her problems are causing more. She tends to be very vulnerable to their influence when she is manic. The feed her fears and allow her to pursue the destructive lifestyle. This is more disturbing when you realise she has a 5 year old son. How is this impacting on him with mom's actions and moving every couple of months?

Thanks for your words as they do make sense. I just have a lot to learn and to realise that this is a serious condition...

God Bless...

 
Old 09-23-2007, 09:01 AM   #5
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Dogmansa,

The reason why this happens is because she is ill, you mustn't blame yourself, it's not your fault, you have to try to remember all her bad behaviour is the symptons of Bipolar and when she is ill. When they are ill, there is no reasoning with them, in their mind they are right and no amount of reasoning with them will change that, the only thing you can do is wait for her to come to you. One thing I have learned with BP is it is very predictable. There are the same patterns of behaviour that keep happening when they become ill. The key is to learn these patterns and learn what is triggering them in order to stop it from progressing until it's out of control. May I suggest, in the meantime, untill your fiance comes to you for help, if you still want to be there for her, learn all you can on BP. The more you educate yourself the more you will be able to help her get the help she needs. I personally have learnt more from this site, reading the posts and asking questions from who better, than the people that are either going through the same as your fiance or people like ourselves that have a loved one with the disorder and need advice. There are also a number of books on BP. I can highly recommend "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison, this will give you a glimpse of how your fiance is feeling and what she is dealing with. Also I am currently reading "Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder" by Julie A. Fast, this book is specifically written for the partner of a person with Bipolar and is designed to help you learn stratigies and give you the support and tools for yourself and your partner.

I hope this helps some, I'm sure others will chime in too before long! Keep posting, we will try to help out the best we can!

wend x

 
Old 09-23-2007, 09:45 AM   #6
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Thanks Wend...

I think the problem has been that I have had no support with her. Her family are extremely self centred and have no time for her problems. As far as they are concerned she is just full of it and seeking attention. I have read the unquiet mind and it really touched me. I also read a book about Danielle Steele's son that was bipolar. A very tragic story.

I have tried to spot her triggers and they are either date / season linked or action linked. Let me explain since we have been together, this has happened either late January / February or September. Well her failed wedding took place 1 September and her son was born on the 25th February. The signs are classic. It starts with her wanting to change her hair colour. Sometimes as many as 5 times in a week. The chemicals doing massive damage to her hair and sending her into an episode. This is followed by her desire to following a modelling career. At this stage she usually starts hanging around with old school friends and then its tickets for me.

However she was hospitalised prior to the onset of this episode and I notified her doctors who seemed totally unable to deal with the disorder or her. 6 weeks with no word from her family, (I travelled every day to see her) One visit from them and she gets herself discharged. This is negligence on the part of the hospital but what will it help her if I pursue the problem with them.

In less than a week her Mother was already taking medication to help deal with the stress of having to look after her daughter. The family even contacted me for prescriptions and any medication I might have. Strange, they are the ones telling her she is not ill so why the need for the meds. I managed to care for her for 4 years without medication or alcohol ( I would like to add that I had a bad drinking problem for many years and have overcome my addiction without any assistance. 5 years in our military would drive anyone dilly) Well, I can either condemn her family or try support her from a distance. I have tried to hate her, I have tried to walk away but how do I live with myself for abandoning someone I love. I guess it is a lot easier to say you love someone than to actually live it.

God has blessed me with a very special but flawed partner. She has had a really hard life and has never had the luxury of someone loving her unconditionally.

I have read some of the other posts you mentioned. Heart breaking to read. If I follow what I have read so far, my fiance mentioned 2 days before her episode that her greatest fear was that I would not be there when she came out of the hospital. She is also probably worrying about our finances. I have been supporting her and her son since she has not been able to work for almost 2 years and my savings have been depleted. Also, looking after her has made work difficult as I am self employed and work from home. We chatted recently and she mentioned that her family also needed to contribute financially. This when she has said she wanted nothing to do with the people that had hurt her and neglected her as a child. Very suspect if you ask me.

She also cuts off all communication with me except to fight. I just ignore her attempts at conflict best I can. She has a tendency to slate me but heaven help anyone that bad mouths me to her. A real contradiction hey...

Actually, It was on this forum in January that someone mentioned that I look at the Bipolar posts. I was busy moaning in the relationship section at the time. The people that post here are all so special and I really appreciate the warm assistance I have received.

God Bless...

 
Old 09-23-2007, 11:15 AM   #7
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Hello,

I remember your posts from earlier in the year. I am sorry you both are having such a difficult time.

Unfortunately I am afraid you will be on this roller coaster ride as long as your GF remains resistant to acknowledging her illness and taking responsibility for it. BP is not something that one grows out of; nor do the symptoms lessen as one ages. The opposite is now known to be true. In an unmedicated bipolar individual, the episodes of mania and depression last longer and the period of stability in between lessens as one ages; also the symptoms become more and more severe. Originally there wasn't much data on this, because it was a fact that unmedicated bipolars didn't live well into middle and old age. So it is very important that she be properly diagnosed and begin medications and stay on them. This is the only way she can attain anything close to stability and good mental health.

I commend you for staying with her and trying to help. In reality there is little you can do for her if she refuses to deal with her bipolar disorder, regarding it as an illness that must be dealt with every day for the rest of her life. If she cannot do this, I guess you have to decide how much of your life you're willing to give up to a lost cause.

I wish you well.

xxTsohl

 
Old 09-23-2007, 12:53 PM   #8
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Hi Dogmansa,

I really feel for your situation, it must be so hard not only dealing with your fiance but also with her family.

It's good that you are already aware of what her triggers are. I totally understand when you say you have tried to walk away, I ask myself often why I stay in the situation, I don't need this from someone, but it's so much easier said than done! I too, feel very guilty after I have a go at my b/f, thinking of all that he must be going through and heard that this is the time that they need us the most! Your fiance has confirmed this for you when she told you that she feared you wouldn't be there for her when she came out the hospital. I have also had my b/f tell me he is scared of losing me. The strange thing is my b/f has never had a go back at me or even raised his voice to me, (not yet anyway) he just goes silent, then I feel terrible for being angry at him, he told me I should never appologise to him its the wrong way around, so he realises that his actions are wrong, but instead of putting them right at the time, he will just go silent. Your fiance's behaviour is so classic BP, very contradictory.

At least with this board you have some support now and you can come to vent or ask advice anytime!

wend x

 
Old 09-24-2007, 12:32 AM   #9
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Hi Tsohl and Wend

Thanks for your input. From what I have read and learned, the first step is getting them diagnosed, the second is getting them on meds... The hardest step is getting them to accept that they are ill. My fiancťe is a tough but decent woman. She is extremely angry and still has to come to terms with the condition. "The why me?" mentality prevails unfortunately. However, to compound the issue is the unethical actions of her selfish and self centred family that would rather see her suffer than accept her illness. They have their good name to uphold in the community. In this state she can be manipulated a lot easier than when she has me at her side.

She has told me the horror stories of her youth and how she has tried to make a life on her own away from them but she just hasnít been able to get it right. They still exert a great deal of negative influence and she tends to still be a loyal family member.

At the moment I am working on her mother hoping that there is still a spark of motherly instinct still left in her. I am forwarding advice, copies of the posts here all in the hope that she will see what you guys showed me and realise how ill her daughter really is. God has been my strength and companion for a lot of this and while I donít feel I have deserved His support, I am grateful for it. I surely would have lost it otherwise.

I will not give up on her nor will I play her game. I have found the best thing at this stage is to just give her space. I initially ignore her ugly txt messages and usually respond with something positive. The last time this happened I got an extra phone number and used to Txt her kind and supportive messages. She did not know it was me but responded to them in a positive fashion. However, I canít do that this time as I eventually told her it was me.

I believe one has to become inventive because it takes your mind off the ugliness and allows you the breathing space and to try stimulate the person. I donít suppose there is a wrong or right way but in the end it should come from the heart. Donít expect anything and then the hurt will be less should it not work. Wow, now you probably know more about my problems than even my family...

Thanks for caring...

 
Old 09-24-2007, 03:32 AM   #10
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Quote:
Originally Posted by dogmansa View Post
Hi Tsohl and Wend

.. From what I have read and learned, the first step is getting them diagnosed, the second is getting them on meds... The hardest step is getting them to accept that they are ill... "The why me?" mentality prevails unfortunately. However, to compound the issue is the unethical actions of her selfish and self centred family that would rather see her suffer than accept her illness....

I will not give up on her nor will I play her game. I have found the best thing at this stage is to just give her space......

I believe one has to become inventive because it takes your mind off the ugliness and allows you the breathing space and to try stimulate theperson....
Thanks for caring...
dogmansa (enough) : This is going to be very tough words for you :

You are truly the man on the "White Hourse" You have come to realization of pursuring a "game plan" with your fiance. You state : "From what I have read and learned, the first step is getting them diagnosed, the second is getting them on meds... The hardest step is getting them to accept that they are ill". And she has to break through her "Own Why Me" mentality. Not You !
you need to consider a complete break from.. "her selfish and self centred family that would rather see her suffer than accept her illness ". It appears they have a different adjanda.

It is noble for you to not give up on her, however know that she really does not have any plase to "go" in her own space...without needed medication and tharpy.

Yes, you really need to become inventive. It may take your mind off the ugliness for "a moment",but will not solve your problems with her if she can not accept responsibility for her "own problems".

In closing,you have stated a plan. you need to put it into action. Hopefull your fiance will "see the light" and get the need help with medication and tharapy.

Lastly.....Come to grips with the radical concept of "enough is enough"

FYI " I have delt with BP for now, almost 50 years. I have been where your g/f is now and then some. With proper meds and tharpy,I have achieved stability for over 24 year. I had to say...to 'only' my self........."enough is enough".

Last edited by twoeyez; 09-24-2007 at 03:37 AM.

 
Old 09-24-2007, 04:41 AM   #11
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Hi EYESTWO22

Thanks for the response. You make perfect sense. I have been enabling her from day one even tho I knew it probably was not the right thing to do. Guess I deserve the White Horse analogy as I have been trying to save her for the longest time.

You are right, only she can can take the steps to stability and an improved quality of life. I have been doing this so long that it has become second nature to me. I think of the saying "you can take a horse to water" Without the desire in her, acceptance of her condition will not be possible.

I cant comment on the 'Why me' mentality as I am not qualified to speak for anyone with BP. All I can do is marvel at those individuals that have overcome their conditions constraints to live a productive life.

Once again thank you for your honesty... God Bless...

 
Old 09-24-2007, 06:06 AM   #12
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Quote:
Originally Posted by dogmansa View Post
Hi EYESTWO22

I can't comment on the 'Why me' mentality as I am not qualified to speak for anyone with BP. All I can do is marvel at those individuals that have overcome their conditions constraints to live a productive life.
..

Coming from a BPer of long standing, the "Why Me" mentality is very much atuned to the following : "Poor Me" and "Dont' Blame Me". The mind of a BPer
is always going to try to make their loved one try to feel guilty, that they need to help "This Poor" me from this dreadful disease. They will cry out loud "Way Me" because they will not take responsibility for any of their actions. NOW they feel guilty. Then they come out with "Don't Blame Me" because bcause my mother had it, my father had it, my grandmother had it, and on and on with the gentic history. So ...does that make it all ok and that the BPer can still keep "coping"out on "where it came from ?

I told myself after 5 episodes and 3 hospilitizations and an attempted sucide,that the real "Blame" is Me ! So I started to change my life and work toward stability. BP is still in my "Back Pocket" ....but I sit on it every day and never look at "Blame"

I 'm back to the name of your thread..."Enough is Enough".
Your Fiance has to....: Come to grips with the radical concept of "enough is enough". She has to go to the "watering hole" herself and drink from living water.

All you can do is "Point the Way"

Last edited by twoeyez; 09-24-2007 at 06:07 AM.

 
Old 09-24-2007, 06:14 AM   #13
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Re: When is enough - enough??

lets hope for your sake enough is enough BEFORE you marry her. please reconsider......
search out some posts by distroyed if you want to find out what being married to a bi-polar woman is all about......
save yourself while you still can.
I'm not over-dramatizing, sadly......I'm telling the truth

 
Old 09-24-2007, 06:37 AM   #14
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Hi RoseQ

How have you been? Sadly, I have read most of the posts and the outlook is pretty bleak. I have subsequently placed some distance between us (not that she is in a state to talk to me right now) to evaluate my position and what to do next. needless to say I am quite scared to pursue the marriage option but feelings are not something we can control even as Non BP...

I have also read a lot of good things so its a case of measuring the consequences. I appreciate your honesty.

Take care and God Bless...

 
Old 09-24-2007, 06:42 AM   #15
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Re: When is enough - enough??

Quote:
Originally Posted by dogmansa View Post
Hi RoseQ

How have you been? Sadly, I have read most of the posts and the outlook is pretty bleak. I have subsequently placed some distance between us (not that she is in a state to talk to me right now) to evaluate my position and what to do next. needless to say I am quite scared to pursue the marriage option but feelings are not something we can control even as Non BP...

I have also read a lot of good things so its a case of measuring the consequences. I appreciate your honesty.

Take care and God Bless...
I'm ok. Please listen to your gut when it's telling you to be afraid to pursue marriage.....there is a reason for your gut instinct, it's always right.
What good things have you read about? If there are any, they are definately outweighed by the bad things. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can definately control your actions.....you can control whether or not you get married.

 
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