I have no idea what's wrong w/ me but I was hoping someone on this board could give me some insight.
I was a happy kid until I turned 17...then, I was hit w/ major depression. I didn't know what was wrong w/ me and neither did my family. I was withdrawn, solemn and very irritable.
Then, I went to college. My first semester at a state university, all I did was study and ended up getting a 3.9 GPA. It kinda blew my mind b/c I only averaged a 3.6 in highschool. Then, the semester after, I had another bad bout w/ depression and pretty much slept the whole semester away.
The next year, I finally went to a doctor and got on zoloft. It helped and things got a little better.
Years passed and I got married. After we had our first born child, I had severe post partum and wanted to kill or hurt myself. I would go into hysterical fits and didn't know why. I started going to therapy w/ a psychologist and he said that I had severe anxiety, depression and social phobia...he said that I wasn't bipolar. So, we dealt w/ that through therapy and meds and I got a little better.
Now, I'm dealing w/ Lyme's Disease and am on antibiotics. Lyme's causes Psychological problems and I'm having a hard time distinguishing if it's the Lyme's causing my current problems or if I'm having a relapse. I started Cymbalta a few weeks ago and it seems like all hell has broke loose since. I'm experiencing new symptoms that I haven't ever had before. I'm very active in our church and try to be a good Christian but lately, I can't stop thinking about other men and become infatuated w/ certain male friends of mine. I'm also having a hard time controlling how I spend money. Also, my panic attacks are off the charts. My dr ended up prescribing ativan b/c I just can't function right now. I'm even going out and partying like a teenager and coming home drunk......I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!
Mostly what I'm worried about is the desire to be w/ another man (I've been married for almost 10 years). I know this is wrong and I am constantly asking God to forgive me. I've been wanting to partake in risky behavior like drugs, excessive drinking and promiscuity. I've NEVER done drugs in my entire life and I can't imagine why I have this craving.
Somedays, I'll feel absolutely great and then w/ a "flick of a switch" I will be extremely angry and volatile. My mother and husband have said that my personality has changed over the past year.
I don't know if this is from the Lyme's or the stress of having a chronic debilitating illness. Or if I am in fact, mildly bipolar and need treatment.
I can't talk to my husband, friends or pastor about this b/c I'm too embarrassed and scared of what they'll think about me. Somedays are "okay" but other days, I just want to end my life and be rid of this torture. The only reason I don't is because of my kids and my faith.
Hi Keys....I am sooo glad that you posted. It sounds like you are most definitely experiencing symptoms of hypomania which could get worse very quickly without getting a proper evaluation. Of course nobody here is equipped to diagnose what is going on but something is obviously causing the behavior you describe. Impulsive behaviors such as excessive spending, hypersexuality, and behaviors that you describe are classic symptoms of mania.
With Bipolar there could be years between depressive symptoms and manic ones. There is also a high incidence of mania being induced in somebody who is Bipolar and on an antdepressant without a mood stabilizer in place. Are you currently on an antidepressant??
Bipolar is a chemical imbalance in the brain and from what I understand Lymes also causes significant changes in the brain so perhaps that also is triggering the symptoms that you are experiencing.
Mania progresses quickly and can be quite dangerous. You need to get help ASAP before you get to the point of no return which could lead to you refusing the help that you may need.
There is an organization called NAMI....see if you can find one near you and call to ask how to go about getting yourself help ASAP. You can do a search and come up with the information you will need to speak to someone who can best direct you to the resources available to help you.
Please do not feel ashamed....the shame would be if you failed to get the help you need before things get worse. Oh and the need for drugs could be a strong indication that you need meds to help you through this....alot of people with Bipolar will self-medicate turning to drugs and alcohol to calm the symptoms. So that is another indication that you should not procrastinate in getting the help that you need.
Please keep us posted....and it is best to go to a board certified psychiatrist since he would be the one most qualified to diagnose you.
Good luck to you and kudos to you for being so brave.
((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-29-2007 at 08:46 PM.
Sorry you're going through this. Is your Cymbalta from your regular doc or a psychiatrist? If it's your regular doc, I think you need to go to a medicating psychiatrist - right away and get an accurate diagnosis as to what's making you this way.
And if you think you're going to act on the suicidal thoughts, then please, please, go straight to the ER.
I can only imagine what your going through. It is not easy to open up to people only to be left feeling like there is "something" wrong with you. I am not sure what your faith is, but I too have had a hard time reaching out to people at the church level for help. I normally get the "Oh, well you know God could heal you" answer. Which leads me to believe they think it is all in my head.
Honestly inside you may know that you need to see a real psy dr. THAT IS O.K. It doesn't make you weak or less than perfect in God's eyes. I've struggled with what others think about all this, but when it all boils down.. it is between you and God --- no one else -- It may not be time to share with other people.. there is a time for everything. Just one step at a time.
I know that my three children ( all under 10 ) have there hands full some days... that is O.K. I'm crankie and just a little PMSish at times. O.K. a lot lately. BUT.. I know I'm going to get to a stable place and you will too.
Please try and refrain from crazy impulses. You know yourself and it is important to "take every thought captive" - to the best of your ability. :> If these are really WAY off for you. Get a scripture, song or passage that can be a foundation for your focus during time that you feel weak. Being honest and open with us is a huge step. Massive. I'm sure you aren't going to say anything that hasn't been thought or said before.
I agree with seaturtle on this one. You need to see a DR. that knows more about prescribing the right meds and finding the balance that is right for you.
If your bipolr then the cymbalta may be adding fuel to the fire of the mania. I Took cymbalta once when I was very depressed and it very quickly turned into maina. I started shopping like a fool, I ran up a ton of cc debt. And then it turned into anger and rage. Cymbalta is an anti-depressant and effects the body as well as the mind. It may be good for the lyme disease but not the bipolar. I would talk to a pdoc.
I would also recommend that you not shame yourself about this. You obviously want to change your behavior/thoughts/emotions, and that is a major step. Guilt and shame will get you no where. Guilt and shame will keep you down!!! If you don't feel comfortable talking to anyone in your personal life, then keep posting. But I also agree with goody2shuz, contacting NAMI is a very good idea.
I will keep you in my prayers. Please let us all know how you are doing.
Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I can't tell you how much better I feel now that I have people who understand and can help. Tony72, thank you for the verse of "taking our thoughts captive". I read that the other day and I really feel like the Lord is trying to talk to me through that verse.
I started taking Cymbalta 30mg about 3 weeks ago. My severe symptoms started about a week after I started the cymbalta....so I figure it goes hand in hand.
The last two days I have been really hyper...very chatty which isn't like me. I've also noticed that I have to be really careful what I watch on TV or at movies. I'll have severe panic attacks or have a severe mood swing after watching a movie that upsets me. Right now, I just have to stick to comedies and family movies. I didn't know if that's a symptom.
One of my grandmother's is bipolar and the other was schizophrenic. So, we definitely have a family history. I think maybe I've always leaned towards a manic disorder but I've been able to control it. Then, by contracting Lyme's and being put on Cymbalta, it's just made things very hard to control.
I will try to find a psychiatrist in my area...hopefully I can find a good one. I know I should probably let my husband know that I think I'm bipolar but I'm just too embarrassed. I think that if I am able to get on the proper meds, I'll just keep it to myself until I'm brave enough to tell him.
I stuggled with telling my husband. My husband is not the most sensitive type, but he has REALLY suprised me. I think when I actually when to see a professional and came back with a diagnosis, he could see things clearer. I expected ridicule and doubt from him....I was afraid that heald me back from getting help for a long time.
It is hard when you are married to share with your other half that something is not quite right inside... Only you are inside and only you know when to reach out - Just don't be afraid. Self acceptance is the first goal.
There is a WONDERFUL book. "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am, by John Powell". The answer to that question is simple.... if I open up tell you who I am, you may not accept me.. Check it out when you get a chance... it may help you through some of this. He also wrote in a book called Happieness is an inside job - (Christian based book). "God did not put me here to live up to your expectations and God did not put you here to live up to mine" There is something very freeing about that.
You don't have to be perfect. Give yourself permission to accept that - I know that was the hardest thing for me to do coming to terms with my diagnosis. Everyday that I get closer to accepting it, I look back and understand my past decisions more clearly. Good, bad and ugly.
Until you feel like you can share it with your husband... share with me.. I'll listen. You'll be strong enough one day to open it up for him and I bet he will suprise you.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I emailed our local Lyme Disease association to see if they could recommend a psychiatrist that's familiar w/ Lyme Disease and how it effects the brain.
I guess I'm worried that people will think of my differently and will see me as "less"..if you know what I mean. Right now, I'm very involved w/ our church and take on leadership positions. I just don't want people to see me differently if I do get a diagnosis of bipolar.
Right now, I'm taking ativan like candy b/c I'm so wired I can't calm down. If I don't take the antivan, I'll go into full blown panic attack.
What I want to ask the Psychiatrist is if my psychiatric symptoms will get better seeing how i'm on antibiotic treatment...or if I should be on something right now to get me through until the antibiotics start working.
It's just a mess right now. My mind is being tortured and no one around me knows about it. If I didn't have my faith in Jesus Christ and my kids, I seriously would have ended my misery a year ago. I know God will cause all things to work for good to those who are called to His purpose. I just have to keep believing that. God is all I have right now.
I know that faith is very difficult to resolve when we are faced with situations that are not acceptable among fellow believers. This is not something widely accepted in Christian circles - It is touchy and hard to find support. I want to claim that I only know ONE thing and that I I do not know EVERYTHING. So hopefully no one will take offense to my message; I know everyone of this board has different faiths...
The Bible Says that "There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.." ... you know the rest...
Remember that today you are a completely different person than you were yesterday.... you have experienced more of life and more trials, which have touched you and made you more of who you are. Don't judge yourself based of ideas of who you thought you were yesterday. We are often our stongest enemies.
I used to think that BP was a weakness and a made up condition that people used to classify the simple misery's of life or difficult times. I have proven myself wrong and continue to learn more about this complex human nature/condition which we are living in. In Christian theology deterioration is directly related to the fallen sin nature. ++ Not a debate, just interjection of doctrinal idology that you may relate to. ++
I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, but really I'm feeling VERY similar. Please go onto **** and look for those books I mentioned. by John Powell. They are not published any longer, but a reseller would have them.
I stuggle with the very same question. Are people going to think my faith is weak because I have a mental stuggle that they can't see or validate? At what point does that really matter? Yes.. this may seperate the wheat from the shaff, but you will see that in one point or another in this lifes journey.
The first thing that you need to do is to accept it yourself. Oh, It isn't easy. I'm not there yet myself. For me the clinical symptoms and descriptions didn't hit home with me. It wasn't until I listened to some of the other posters that I saw the connection in me. My condition doesn't swing to a radical pendilum and I cycle often, I think daily or at least every few days. I don't know how to describe it.
I'm afraid of my thoughts, not that I can point to a pattern of specific thoughts. I don't have thoughts of harming myself or others. Mine are more the fear of something happening to my family or children - thinking of the what if's and imagining something has happened to them. I can normally stuff these thoughts, but it wasn't until I was put of the lamictal that I really STOPPED having those fearful, painful daydreams so to speak. I'm even hesitant to express my thoughts here - fearing I'll be taken wrong or that I'll even express something I am not ready to admit.
There was a point when I became very parinoid and panic striken over the possiblity that I forgot to drop my son off at daycare. I would run to the car Once at first, then over time I became weird over it. I would mark my hand when I got out of the car so I could just look at my hand when I questioned if I had ACTUALLY dropped him off. I degraded from there into thinking that maybe, just maybe the mark was from yesterday.... I then when into writing the day of the week on my hand every day when I got out of the car. Only to degrade into thinking that I wrote the wrong day by accident. It was HORRIBLE. It went on for about 2 months. I never told anyone, I lived in this total panic alone --- visioning that I had overlooked and forgot to drop my son off at school or daycare. It all came from a few news broadcasts about small babies left in a car. It went away and eventually my parinoid vision became something else.
I now know that these times are a part of the BP condition that I have.
The veterans on the board have tons medical ideas. I would get some time and make myself go to the pDr. You don't have to tell anyone where your going until your ready to hear what the Dr. has to say. One thing I have learned it to only take Psy meds from a Psy Dr.
It WILL get better... I know this because just talking to us on the board is a big step. It shows that your ready to talk about it and find someone, anyone who understands --- because your not alone. I'll check everyday until you get through this... if I could just get rid of this rash and get to my dr. to fix my mood stablization. Until then, Xanax and gardening.
XXXX Toni :>
- I'm a mother of three, all under 10. Married 14 years - Divorced from the same man twice only to remarry him- I'm sure he will get sainted for that.. HAHAH No one saw those symptoms back then... I'm sure BP had to do with that.
Your words are very comforting to me and I thank you so much. It's so good to have another Christian to talk to about this. Mental Illness/Depression is such a taboo subject in the church. I know Jesus loves us and accepts us but sometimes our brothers/sisters in Christ don't. I've heard people in my church say "Oh, people w/ mental disorders are demon possessed.". That just made me feel even worse. Of course, I know it's not true but at that moment I knew I had to suffer in silence. Maybe once I get through this and get on proper treatment, I can really take a stand and learn all I can about this disorder and help other people who are going through the same thing.
I'm so sorry to hear of all of your struggles. I can only imagine how difficult your life has been for you. But thank the Lord, He is using your story to help others. Life is about helping each other and I"m so glad that I've met a great helper like you.
I knew something was definitely wrong when last year I went to an out of state wedding for my best friend. I went by myself and when I got there, one of the groomsmen started paying attention to me (even though he knew I was married) and it was like a s***** flipped in my head and I all I could do was think about having sex w/ him. I got really drunk that night and even did drugs (I've NEVER done that in my life). Luckily, my friend (who was the one getting married) knows me really well and got me away from him. The next day I felt so horrible that I was about to throw everything good in my life for one night w/ this guy that I'd never met before. It really scared me.
I left a message for my Lyme doc today and asked if he knew any psychiatrists in my area that are familiar w/ psychological aspects of Lyme Disease. I honestly think that I've had a touch of bipolar since I was 17 but the Lyme's has really made it crank into full gear. All I know is that I really need to see a qualified psychiatrist right now b/c I'm having a hard time keeping my thoughts and impulses in check.
I feel like my insides are racing and I just have to do something spontaneous. I would work around the house and try to get my energy out but the Lyme's causes my body to not work so well. I get tired very easily and deal w/ chronic pain. The more physical activity I do, the worse it gets.
My regular dr prescribed me ativan b/c I am having severe panic attacks. I've been going between being really hyper/euphoria to being really angry and yelling a lot.
I'm really nervous about what meds they will put me on and I have to admit that's why I've avoided this for so long. If you don't mind me asking, what meds are you on? What kind of side effects do they have. I read that it can cause weight gain and I already have to work SO hard to keep my weight in check.
I might try calling my regular doctor today to b/c I'm feeling really out of control. I"m just hate having this restless feeling in my chest and head and need it to stop. I don't want to keep taking the ativan b/c I don't want to become addicted.
I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again for your help.
I have been on Prozac for 7 years... it stopped working and I was s*****ed to Effexor - that was really helpful, but it didn't stop my weird ideas or thoughts completely.
I was amazed when I saw the Psy Dr and he spoke to me like he had lived inside my head for years. His questions helped me to realize that this is something other than "in my head" he confirmed that it was something real..
I was almost like when your in church and you feel like someone dumped your life story to the pastor. Like the pastor was ONLY talking to you - the
"Who told the pastor that?" you know what I mean.
Anyway the Dr. put me on Lamictal and I started feeling better within 3 days. I developed a rash - WHICH I JUST FOUND OUT was unrelated to the Lamictal. I'm so excited - I was depressed thinking that the one med that may have helped me was giving me a rash. I had to stop taking it and now I'm back to my normal - cycling state. Yelling at the kids, impatient and obsessive compulsive.
Call the dr. and just be honest.... he isn't going to commit you or call your husband and say your unfit to be with the kids. I was worried about that and we sound alot alike in our fears.
Take some naps and love on yourself a little. YOUR ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH this....the hardest step in any journey is the first and you have already taken that here with us.
God will use this for His Glory one day....look what he has done here with each of us. If I wasn't a christian and struggling I couldn't relate to you. I will be praying for you... and you remember me in yours.
I was sooooo nervous about taking the psy med's that I created a rash for myself. Pityriasis rosea is related to shingles, herpies and pox. These are auto immune related conditions brought on by stress.
Just talk to the Dr. even your primary at first, and tell him that you suspect your condition may be a bipolar one... if you do. Risperdal was what my primary just gave me to "take the edge off and stop the irritability, panic symptoms" He gave me samples and it may be what you can ask for. It is hard to say the word "Bipolar", so describe what you feel... they will understand.
Be good to yourself today, rest and take a few mins to do something peaceful. I garden and quilt... just an idea. blessings to you. I'll check back later tonight.
Last edited by moderator2; 10-01-2007 at 01:27 PM.
Well, this morning I had my usual euphoria and went shopping w/ my sister in law. I literally was ready to buy 4 quilt kits, 2 cross stitch kits and a blanket. Luckily, she talked me out of it. I must have looked like a nut.
Then, after I got home I had a major melt down. I was panic stricken and had a horrible sense of restlessness and couldn't calm down. I called my dr and they had me come in.
I told my doctor everything...the good, bad and ugly. I gave him a brief rundown of my life since I started having depression and he said that I am bipolar and that by previous doctors only treating my depression, that it made things worse over the years.
He agreed that I needed help asap and put me on some quick acting meds for bipolar. I'm supposed to go back and see him on Thurs.
His plan is to keep me on the quick acting meds until I can get in to see a psychiatrist (the 15th) and then hopefully by then, they can switch me to Lamictal. He said that he didn't feel comfortable treating me right now b/c of my severity of symptoms. He said once I'm under control w/ the psychiatrist, that he can see me for maintenance.
He told me that he wants me to stop taking the cymbalta b/c it's making my mania worse. I'm nervous to stop the cymbalta b/c I don't want to deal w/ the depression and also the withdrawl symptoms. Oh well, I'll try.
Thanks again for your support. Hopefully by Thursday I'll be doing better.
This is great news... I know it is nerve racking now, but you are on the right track!!!! I am so excited for you.
You mentioned that he put you one something for now, do you mind if I ask what? My primary gave me risperdal, just wondering if it was the same stuff.
I don't know if I told you, but my rash was completely unrelated to the Lamictal. It was more than likely stress induced almost like shingles. I'm feeling better already.
You are so brave and I'm proud of you! The only advice I can give is...don't get caught up worring about side effects, I think that is what happend to me.
Also you said you were taking avanex, right? you may find that you dont' need it as much once this stablizer gets into your system.
Did you find a pDr?
can't wait to find out how you are!! bye Toni
He put my on Zyprexa and wants me to stay on it until I see the psychiatrist on the 15th. Then, once we get my symptoms under control, we'll switch to the lamitcal. I'm also taking ativan right now when my panic gets out of control.
I took my first Zyprexa last night and actually slept pretty good. Today I feel really tired and a bit anxious..but nothing like yesterday. If it was up to me I'd be back in bed...I think that not sleeping well for the past couple weeks has finally caught up w/ me.
I'm still nervous to get off the cymbalta. I read other posts where people were on cymbalta and also a mood stabilizer.
I still haven't told my husband anything. I'm going to wait until the meds has a chance to really kick in and I'm seeing the psychiatrist....I just can't handle anymore drama right now.