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Old 10-04-2007, 04:41 AM   #1
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Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Hi,
Well, this is a different tag that what I normally use as I fear that I may be found out using my normal tag. Hopefully tshol, eyes, goody, marsh etc. can work out who I am from my new name....

So, I was BP2 right - or so they said. I brought myself off my mood stabiliser as I wanted to be 'free' of BP, free from meds - just free. It's great - I feel excited, energetic, untouchable, invincible - it really is great!! I started an affair with someone, and it's gone full steam ahead one month later.

I'm leaving my hubby, leaving my house - leaving it all - and I'm not worried in the slightest. I know that this isn't normally me - but it feels so good. The psychiatrist reckons I'm on a mania trip - wants to hospitalise me - but I won't have it - none of it anymore. I'm not sleeping, nor eating - but I have bags of energy - it's fantastic!!!!!! All I want to do is go,go, go..... I have never felt this good before in my whole life and I can't understand why the docs wnat to make me feel worse. At the psychiatrists request I started taking olanzapine - hate it, one week later after feeling drugged off my little nut completely, I've stopped it to. Two days after nt taking it - the GREAT feeling is back - HURRAH!!!!!!!!


I really can't believe this feeling - it is so fantastical - I wish I could bottle it and sell it. Words can't describe the electric, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up to attention - its thrilling. I also had to submit an assignment for my course I am doing. Normally it takes about 5 nights to do, done this one in 4hours, submitted it thinking that will do the job, and got 88%!!!! Fantastci!!!!!!! Who has the right to deny me of this feeling - it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo GOOD!!!!!! And so is my new boyfriend.....


ohhhh - I hope you know who I am....


Nut.

 
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Old 10-04-2007, 09:23 AM   #2
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

I recognize who you are, dear friend, and I do have to issue a word of caution here. WHAT is going to happen when you come down from this high?

You've been here before (perhaps not to this extent) and it sounds like you are making DRAMATIC changes. I can't imagine how this is a good thing. I know you feel great now but, as you know, the other side of great is horrible! And then you'll be left with all of the changes you made.

You are leaving your husband after a one-month affair? Does this make sense, Nut? I thought your husband was supportive.

I hope EYES and others will chime in. He probably has the best perspective of anyone, but please slow down. You have been through alot and the very fact that you are posting tells me you know, in your heart of hearts, that something is amiss.

Love,

Hope

 
Old 10-04-2007, 09:45 AM   #3
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

yes who is going to pick up the broken pieces when you crash??

 
Old 10-04-2007, 11:08 AM   #4
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

New nut yes I beleive I know who you are and I pray you will remember that a crash is coming after the mania. Who will be there to help you pick up the pieces if you leave your husband? Please reconsider and go back on your meds. Talk to your pdoc or someone. What seems good right now won't when you crash. You know that so please think about it. Leaving your husband and having an affair is not the way to start a relationship with anyone and so unfair to your husband. We care about you here so we are not being critical just trying to help.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 06:51 PM   #5
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Hi, Nut There's a song that I know and the lyrics go..."What Goes Up, Must Come Down....Spinning Wheel Goes Round & Round....."

Nut as much as you are up you are going to go down. PLEASE don't follow this energy to the point of no return. Call your pdoc and get yourself back on track....you can do it, I know that you can.

You are leaving everything that is good in your life behind....allowing the BP to take over your life which is only going to bring you down. Be brave, NUT, and call your pdoc before you get to the point that no one, including your friends here can reason with you. I am afraid that you are already past that but am praying that you can see what we are all saying is true. This new boyfriend, he may seem GREAT right now but where is he going to be when you come down???? Does he even know that you are BP or is he just seeing you as a fun girl to be with???

The reality is you can allow the BP to control you OR you can control the BP. Which is it going to be, Nut??? Only you can turn this all around and I have faith and hope that you will be able to.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. We are here for you and hope that you will listen to the voice of reason before you are hurting again.

(((((HUGS))))) and prayers ~ Goody

 
Old 10-05-2007, 07:21 AM   #6
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Hi Nut

I have been where you are now and it was great, I loved it, better than any drug. But just like goody said, what goes up must come down, and I think the bigger the high, the bigger the low will be. The depression that comes afterwards is just debilitating and picking up the pieces of the life you ruin is a long process, you just don't snap out of it overnight. Please think about what everyone has said to you on this board, everyone cares about you and just wants you to be well. It is a very serious illness and you said that you are doing things you normallly wouldn't do, so that really should tell you, that somethings not right at the moment. Please take care of yourself..........In the end the great high is just not worth it in the long run.

Munchiexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
Old 10-05-2007, 01:33 PM   #7
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Nut,

Please do me two favors: (1) Go back and read all of your own posts to see where you've been and to remind yourself that how you feel now is only temporary and (2) Check a post of Dogmansa in the "Man without BP dating woman with BP" (or something like that). He gives a wonderful description of BP perception.

I am very concerned about you. Please let us know how you are.

Love,

Hope

 
Old 10-05-2007, 01:38 PM   #8
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNewNut View Post
Hi,
............... Hopefully tshol, eyes, goody, marsh etc. can work out who I am from my new name....

So, I was BP2 right - or so they said. I brought myself off my mood stabiliser as I wanted to be 'free' of BP, free from meds - just free. It's great - I feel excited, energetic, untouchable, invincible - it really is great!! I started an affair with someone, and it's gone full steam ahead one month later.....

I'm leaving my hubby, leaving my house - leaving it all - and I'm not worried in the slightest.......ohhhh - I hope you know who I am....

Nut.
Nut......I really think the "Old Nut" had a lot more common sence.
Lady,you are in for the ride of your life...and that will be down the steepest hill into the gates of depression. Your feelings of "excited, energetic, untouchable, invincible" will only melt away. And you will only pray for the relief that death may carry you away.

It is with sorrow that I am writing this post in such a realistic tone. I am always a man of postive comfort. However,there is a time when you need to look into your face......and hope you can find the right answer

You need to Carry On,

 
Old 10-05-2007, 11:12 PM   #9
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNewNut View Post
Hi,
Well, this is a different tag that what I normally use as I fear that I may be found out using my normal tag. Hopefully tshol, eyes, goody, marsh etc. can work out who I am from my new name....

So, I was BP2 right - or so they said. I brought myself off my mood stabiliser as I wanted to be 'free' of BP, free from meds - just free. It's great - I feel excited, energetic, untouchable, invincible - it really is great!! I started an affair with someone, and it's gone full steam ahead one month later.

I'm leaving my hubby, leaving my house - leaving it all - and I'm not worried in the slightest. I know that this isn't normally me - but it feels so good. The psychiatrist reckons I'm on a mania trip - wants to hospitalise me - but I won't have it - none of it anymore. I'm not sleeping, nor eating - but I have bags of energy - it's fantastic!!!!!! All I want to do is go,go, go..... I have never felt this good before in my whole life and I can't understand why the docs wnat to make me feel worse. At the psychiatrists request I started taking olanzapine - hate it, one week later after feeling drugged off my little nut completely, I've stopped it to. Two days after nt taking it - the GREAT feeling is back - HURRAH!!!!!!!!


I really can't believe this feeling - it is so fantastical - I wish I could bottle it and sell it. Words can't describe the electric, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up to attention - its thrilling. I also had to submit an assignment for my course I am doing. Normally it takes about 5 nights to do, done this one in 4hours, submitted it thinking that will do the job, and got 88%!!!! Fantastci!!!!!!! Who has the right to deny me of this feeling - it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo GOOD!!!!!! And so is my new boyfriend.....


ohhhh - I hope you know who I am....


Nut.
For all that I've said in compassion for those in mania, this is the cruelty of it . . . just IMAGINE how your husband will feel, and is the pleasure found in mania worth more than loyalty to him? This is both irrational and I'm sorry, it is you being IMPAIRED. Though, from your post it's clear that to stop you from your "right" to be manic would seem others were 'impairing' YOU. Can selfishness be argued logically? Can devotion and vows be so quickly discarded unless the spouse is severely abusive? Answer: NO. So this is irrational (first and foremost), this is not "you". And though it feels "right" to you, it is essentially selfish and impulsive. Can such a tag be put on the actions taken in mania if someone has NO control? No. But there IS some. Just SOME. Amid the manic cycle you will have moments of clarity. Enough to cry, to bleed, but maybe not enough to change. IF there once was experience enough to see the damage it can wreak, then there may be enough to say I need medication even if I must sacrifice those highs. Control IS short lived when not on meds, and may take years to recognize . . . many PAINFUL years to learn when enough is enough. Can it be understood that being on medication sucks beyond mentioning a lot of the time? Indeed. But in the end others get hurt and you do not belong solely to yourself. Even if a compassionate husband could understand this, the burden is on HIM TO understand it. I have felt the sting of such cruelty in my own life. Later I'm convinced you will recall enough to blame yourself far more than any ever would. I certainly do not blame you. Blame is a waste of time with bipolar. But I must say I'm rather "unique" in my outlook and those that have been manic with me weren't able to forgive themselves so easily, no matter how understanding I CHOSE to be. I fear the cycles of loneliness and drive to be accepted as much as mania and depression.

Should the self blame happen, and it will indeed, the damage then may not be able to be fixed. Either from your husband's end, or even your own. For you have to be able to accept forgiveness as well as be able to forgive yourself. Sometimes that's seems easier until we are confronted with the memories of all we've done to another. I KNOW. I've seen the guilt eat away at someone I know, n o matter my desire to remain close and friends with them. IT perhaps as much as the actions taken while manic has kept any true healing from taking place, and true resolution. Meds can balance the mania, but they cannot remove the actions taken during mania.

Character is much easier KEPT than recovered. I know that is easier said than done when manic, but I beg you to listen to those on here. The seduction that is mania comes with a price. Once vows made to yourself as well as to others are broken they become easier to break in the future. And no man or woman can fill the void the mania will leave in your own self image once the crash comes.

Perhaps this is blunt, perhaps it may seem ridiculous. I have heard it said before that people "KNOW what they are feeling and doing" while manic. I have also heard them tell of curling into a ball and shaking with disgust once the "crash" came. Those feelings only speed the cycle of mania around faster.

IF ONLY it were as people say, a "crash". No . . . it is FAR more lasting in the memory then the word "crash" implies, FAR more damaging to the relationships and the person who is Bipolar. Mania is about power, about possibility, but in whatever shape it takes DELUSION is a major component. A delusion is nothing more than a LIE we chose to believe in for own own reasons. It is not limited to those that are bipolar, that's for sure. But a lie is hollow in the end. Whatever highs you are seduced to now there will be a price you cannot hope to calculate later.

But I can assure you with reasonable certainty that you will the one hardest on yourself. No matter the comfort or forgiveness others may be capable of, you will have to live with the memory of what transpires. And you will likely recall more of it than you like. Not all will be blotted out, even if some is. And a lot will likely be recalled in pieces later, awakening old wounds. And the shadow that will be the unspeakable feelings you see in the eyes of others (real OR imagined) will be hurt you won't know how to erase. The irony is it will be your OWN hurt that will be hardest to erase. That is probably most likely. You will impair your own confidence for the future by each setback. That is what people on here do not want for you more than anything else. The pain real or imagined that follows will haunt you and you will run . . . and maybe not stop running for a very long time.

Don't let a bad chapter that may last years begin here. Better to try and clam the mania, channel it in other directions. Wholesale change will bring only that --- wholesale change. For what it's worth, and even as hard as it may be, do not do this to yourself.

But if you are dead set on it, never quit, despite the consequences. Because they WILL come. They always do. Just don't quit on yourself, return here, return to those that love you. This is a mistake. It will hurt later in some way, but hopefully those that love you will remember what love is, forgive, understand, and BE what you could not right now. For in your heart I think you will wish you could have been -- later, if not now. I pray they see that, or that you will see this for what it is before then.

I hope you remember not to quit after the "crash" comes. This may be a different you, for now, but I pray you will see through the delusion that depression ALSO is and remember that the real you is somewhere in between. NEVER QUIT, no matter what harm is done to yourself or others. Those that love you will hopefully see that this was a mistake, no matter how certain or 'rational' you may seem. I'm sorry if any of what I said hurts. That is not my intent. I pray for the best for you, and those you love.

Last edited by Forgotten1; 10-05-2007 at 11:37 PM.

 
Old 10-05-2007, 11:42 PM   #10
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Wow, forgotten1. I am speechless. I am in the same boat more or less as Nut, and I have read your post twice now and I am just speechless. Brilliant post. Very eye opening. I hope it got through to Nut like it got through to me. Thank you for writing that.

Last edited by Llama; 10-05-2007 at 11:44 PM.

 
Old 10-06-2007, 12:41 AM   #11
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Llama View Post
Wow, forgotten1. I am speechless. I am in the same boat more or less as Nut, and I have read your post twice now and I am just speechless. Brilliant post. Very eye opening. I hope it got through to Nut like it got through to me. Thank you for writing that.
Thank you. I don't know what I can offer. I only know we are NOT all so different. Really, we are not. That's why I HOPE for a better understanding of bipolar from those that aren't. Look closely and anyone can see themselves.

I KNOW my friend Sonia's heart, as well as any. She HAS bipolar, and I have seen her pain. She's trying but just began meds. She has fears about how much to share with her pdoc (psychiatrist). And it's understandable. She can't even face me. I've been shut out for months more than a couple times. Even now, I am. But I am not so far away that I do not see what is happening, or not feel it. Whatever pain I've felt, it's FAR worse for her. And I mourn the tears I can't take away, in moments I am not allowed to know with her -- that NO ONE is allowed to know. Oh, I've seen them. But they are mostly spent alone. And I know the soul of my friend, no matter how far mania has taken her. I KNOW she wants to help this whole world, love and heal it, see others happy . . . But is just as vulnerable to the seductions of love after heartbreak as I might be, and is driven as much by previous hurts as by the mania. Mania appears to be, in the end, a place where the real self hides, for both depression and stability carry their pains and life is never without issues. Mania place where the pain is gone, for a while. Or rather, MASKED. There is always a part that is hidden, and that grows over the years, a part beneath the mania that hurts and feels all too deeply, and that is hard to heal completely except by TRUE and enduring empathy -- a almost angelic love. But then how can guilt allow such friendship access. How much fear is there to trust, and not to hope a person will not leave, will not hurt us, and who we hope WE will not hurt, as we have before? ALL this bleeds though the manic cycle. At least THAT is what my own empathy has picked up in my friend. Doesn't matter how angry or ecstatic she is, how much she "doesn't care" about the consequences. I know better. I sense it.

I have told my friend that the manic her is standing guard over the REAL her which is bleeding in a corner, daring to hope though too many tears, but too afraid to trust -- REALLY trust. The fear of being KNOWN completely is frightening if you cannot forgive yourself, or feel others CANNOT know the real you. To feel vulnerable, versus powerful . . . what would most choose?

But my friend is a brave and strong soul as I see many with BP are. Wishful thinking & hope on the friend's part has it's place, as does true & tangible aid, but one must make a vow to one's self to NEVER QUIT in this life. We are all the sum of our tears. Too little and the ground of our life isn't made fertile enough to yield anything substantial, and understanding never comes. Too many and the best of us is washed away.

I can wish and hope and never give up on my friend, my kokoro, my heart. She knows who I am. And I her. But she must remember who she is first, then she will remember me and others. Then there will be hope . . . REAL hope. It's HARD for her to explain what she feels. Words are few and yet she needs to say them, for her own self. Writing is easier than speaking it all aloud. So such a place as this is a Godsend for those that are bipolar.

But Goody and Toshl know well enough how . . . once the person is an adult, there is only so much friends and family can do. WE who KNOW our loved ones only wish for them to be the person they HOPE to be and indeed ARE within. The bipolar is not their fault. But that is easier for me to say than for my friend to accept.

It is perhaps something that hides their true selves from lesser hearts not prepared to endure the search to look beneath. It's like picking berries. The best ones are usually hidden. But no person is a berry. Yet it seems we are mocked by such variation in others and in ourselves when we seek only a superficial glance to satisfy us.

So many GOOD people with so much remorse that is seldom seen or expressed. But is always there. Doesn't matter if it's fear, or fear's shadow -- anger. Male or female, it's all the same. One thing I wish the most would be to take the pain away, the tears, the hurt that paralyzes --- EVEN within mania . . . the need to be held, to somehow out-race the pain. Mania is a place of forgetting . . . but it is only temporary. HOW WISE must a person who learns so much about themselves this way be, IF they can endure it? How much empathy buried beneath the flickering capacity to have it demonstrated and known. To BE truly known!

It seems like an accelerated course in humanities, and a personal challenge at the SOUL level that is beyond choice -- for better AND worse.

As one who has had to face how the world looks at him all too often, it's not hard to see how many of us are, truly, when we only appear to be a certain way to others. Even amid mania, I have seen my friend almost asking me and others to somehow stop her, but so few have heard the call. If I have she has pushed me away, for to know someone sees you so well is painful. To others it may seem a game. But I know it is not. Because of HER LOVE, the decision to trust and see the truth, isn't so hard, and my understanding is a small matter. My insight isn't my own. It was given to me, BY HER. I just was interested enough in my friends soul to see the obvious.

I pray she comes here, stays, and posts one day. I pray she finds I am not alone in what I understand or see, and neither is she. At the moment I can see little that would be better than that. Your words continue my own hope. So I THANK YOU Llama.

Last edited by Forgotten1; 10-06-2007 at 12:51 AM.

 
Old 10-08-2007, 05:46 PM   #12
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Nut,

I'm very concerned about you. Please post and let us know how you are.

Love Always,

Hope

 
Old 10-08-2007, 07:11 PM   #13
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

ok, New Nut.....

I'm going to give you a true worst nightmare scenario, hoping to bring you down to earth a bit.

PAY ATTENTION...DON'T THINK THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS CAN'T HAPPEN TO YOU, IT CAN!

My ex-boyfriend is bi-polar. He was brutally abused by his father...physical, emotional, sexual...you name it.

As a young teenager, he was very confused about how sex worked....his Dad had sex with his Mom, but also with his three sisters, and him.

During a manic episode...his sex drive was over the top....(sound familiar?)...he started molesting his sisters. Dad did it...

When he crashed....it was brutal....he was in the hospital for six months...the first time.....in the six years I was with him, he was in the hospital four Christmases out of six.

Had he committed a murder (in Canada) he would be out by now....he can't forgive himself. His sisters have....long ago.

I understand the sex drive, and the excitement when manic. IT'S NOT REAL LIFE! AND IT WILL END!

I'm compassionate to your situation, but SNAP OUT OF IT.

Start taking the Olanzepene again, but take less, so you don't feel the effects as much.

DO THIS NOW, PLEASE.

Lil

 
Old 10-08-2007, 11:59 PM   #14
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

Thank-you for all those replies - I'm shocked that so many people have replied.


I'm crashing.... my psych wants me to go inpatient today, am signed off work by him already. My life's a mess.

'I TOLD YOU SO', you all say - I hear it loud and clear. Only thing is, it was IMPOSSIBLE to stop before. Now I'm in a situation where I have two people who love me, one who doesnt know about an affair - and the other is the affair. The affair was at work - so all my colleagues know too - arghhhhh - I need to escape - I can't stay with any of this, any of this mess which I AND I ONLY created. I hate it - i can't find words harsh enough to understand it.

pSYCH wanst me on depakote and olanazpine in addition to my mirtazapine - more drugs - I hate it, I hate my head, i Hate me,


I'm going away for a few days first before I make a decision to go inpatinet or not. I need space away from everything. I hate everything, although no, everything is really nothing.


Nut.

 
Old 10-09-2007, 12:35 AM   #15
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Re: Mania, affair.... the lot!!!

No . . . I know no one is really thinking "I told you so." That's cruel and a waste of time. Just take things one day at a time, and be honest, do what you know is right, as hard as it is. I know that sounds pathetic and like it's so easy. No.

Space is natural. Anyone would want that, to get away for a bit. It's obviously not something you wanted to happen. The "hate" is natural too. How many times have I heard my own friend say just that, exactly as you have! But it encouragges me that you have seen things sooner rather than later, even if a month has done such things.

Being an inpatient is up to you. Perhaps because of the meds and getting used to them, tolerating them, the side effects? Though I can't imagine you'd be "in" for very long. Still.

If you chose to deal with the affair, then, because it's at work and everyone knows that makes it hard -- IF the guy would talk. You could be honest with him, but only if he has the maturity to accept it. Otherwise there are other ways to explain it.

It's not easy, it's also not my place to advise unasked. But there are ways out of this, gradually, or abruptly. I hope you won't depair too much. I'm happy for you that you saw something soon. Perhaps because it's fall and summer is fading now most places that will help a bit.

I know only that people on here will be here if you need them -- with whatever you choose to ask for advise about. This place is Heaven sent when it comes to that. I can't imagine so many surviving ONLY with occasional pdoc appointments & meds and no such outlet.

No one judges you, and no one should say I told you so. Each of us all have those times. Only the arrogant walk over others graves or kick them when they are down.

Thanks for letting us know how you are. Please continue if you feel up to it. I hope your time away helps some. I hope you get to pray, too. Always helps me, even when there are no (easy) answers.

Last edited by Forgotten1; 10-09-2007 at 12:37 AM.

 
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