New to the board/not sure if I hate my job/who am I

[Elle360]

Hi everyone. I am new.

I am Bipolar 2 and was diagnosed 3 years ago. I am on Lamictal and have tried to couple it with other drugs (Invega and Litium). I didn't stay on either for long and think I am just going stick with my Lamictal.

The past year in particular has been tough. I tend to spend more time on the depressed side. When I drink alcohol it is hard to stop because it makes me feel good -- maybe it even throws me into hypomania. The result though (besides a hang over) is that I am even more depressed the next day. Terrible cycle. Same with gambling. I am always trying to stay away from what takes my mind off things in the moment but cause more trouble after. It's hard though because I just want to feel good.

I only drink a few times a month -- but when I do, I just go to an extreme. My goal is to not drink -- but then, I find myself thinking "what a stupid goal, have some wine."

Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and cry.

Then, the next thing I know I wake up one morning and I'm neutral and think "that was nuts... thank god it is over" and two days or so later, it's back.

I'm pretty good at hiding my mood disorder from others. I sometimes work from home, especially when I am not “up to par.” People tend to notice that I am sick more often than others -- seems I am plagued by every cold, infection, migraine, etc. (As a footnote I’ll admit I never know what is truly a physical ailment or the fact that I am depressed and the symptoms are created from that).

I am a 37-year-old successful professional who makes a six figure salary. I am the person most people think is one of the "lucky ones." I am married to an awesome man. I am an executive. I am attractive. I am "bubbly" (even though I often think I am just good at faking it). I have a great family and friends.

I have been promoted so many times. There are people who strive to be the "success" I am (or at least appear to them to be).

With that said, I sometimes want to quit my job. It is stressful and my boss is a complete pig. When I am in a depressed mode, I want desperately to hand in my resignation. My husband and I just can’t afford for me to simply walk out. What I don’t know is if I hate my job as a whole or if I only hate it when I am in the down swing. How do you separate that?

Does everyone (bipolar or not) hate their job? I just don't know if this job is making my mood disorder worse. Or is my mood disorder making my job worse. Chicken or egg?

I worry about my marriage too. He's great -- I love him -- he is the best part of my life. BUT there are times I think I am not good enough for him. He deserves someone who isn't on this roller coaster. Other times, like when I am drinking, I think he is a stick in the mud and he is holding me back. Recently on a vacation, I got really drunk and when he told me he thought I'd had enough, I went off on him. I even said we needed to consider a divorce. Later, I felt horrible about it. I can't stand the thought of losing him, but I am often irritable or sad or pushing him away. Is his love for neutral me enough?

Does anyone else ever feel like you have multiple personalities but not in the traditional sense? When I am up, that is the real me. When I am neutral, that is who I really am. The depressed me is convinced that I am really that person. I really don’t know if I am an optimistic, a pessimist, or a realist. Who am I? It’s easy to say the neutral me is the real deal, but sometimes that is hard to believe.

I really don’t know how to live with this. I’m cycling so much faster than I did in the past. Is it stress from work? Is that I’ve been too busy to exercise? Did the meds stop working?

I feel like a big fake.

Any advice?

[Sunka]

Hi Elle.....wow, it sounds like you're having a tough time, and with holidays coming up, yikes. I'm certainly no dr, and have been searching for a good medication therapy myself, but you might want to talk to your dr about adding something to the Lamictal. Lamictal is a mood stabilizer (or it's supposed to be!) which should help with the cycling, but as an anti-depressant by itself...hmmm. I can relate to your working dilemma (do you hate your job or is it the bp??) because I've held over 100 jobs in the past 10 yrs. No exaggeration. Things will be ok in the beginning, then fall apart rapidly to where just the thought of going back there makes your skin crawl. Just try and put one foot in front of the other every day. Don't be angry with yourself if you mess up...here's a trick my sis-in-law used to slow down her drinking: she put water in a liquor bottle, and when she got the urge to drink, she'd pour a drink out of that bottle. It's different than getting a drink from the tap or fridge. I'm kind of heading into a down phase right now or I'd write more...but visit back often. You're not alone!!

[LoudWhispers]

Hi Elle,

Welcome to the board. I'm relatively new myself.

I can definitely identify with the "which me is the real me?" feeling. It seems like everything worthwhile for me happened while in a manic/hypomanic state. I've quit more jobs while in a depressed state than I can count .

It sounds as if you still have pretty serious swings, even on the lamictal, and may need to do some more trial and error with meds. Maybe it's time to give the Pdoc a call. I hope you find some relief soon!

LW

[seaturtle]

Hello,

Yes, welcome! I also know what you mean about the multiple personalities - there are several different me's that come and go for me, too, and I am never sure which one is me. Fact is, I guess, they all are - I am a composite of all of them. Some of my "traits" are just symptoms, yes...but the illness ks also part of me.
I make a distinction between "personality" and "personhood." There is nothing wrong with my personhood at all. My personality is at the mercy of mood swings, and, often, circumstances.

I hope you get the med and T help you need at this time.. If you're stabilized a bit more, probably dealing with your job will be easier. Any kind of lousy relationship, professional or otherwise, will throw me into a state, too.

Take care!

[Elle360]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I've been offline for awhile and was so glad to see the responses. It helps to know that I am not alone, although I hate knowing that this is life for so many people.

I am in a flat state, which is lower the neutral me, but is a stage above being completely down. I have been working from home, which is good in some ways, but it makes me pull more into a shell.

I haven't scheduled another apppointment -- the last time I went in (anout 6 weeks ago) the psy gave my litium to add onto the lamictal. That so did not work for me. I started taking SAM E again. My first psy told me that it was good for Bipolar 2s, but not 1s. I'm monitoring to see what it does. I don't want to be manic, but a bit of hypomania to get me going would be okay. Kidding, sort of.

Do you ever feel sorry for your spouse and loved ones? My husband is so awesome -- deals with this so well. I wonder how much better his life would be if he'd married a woman who was more... like him. My Mom is a great friend, a great person, and she worries about me all the time (which i guess mothers do anyway) but it makes me feel guilty when I am simply not in the mood to put on a cheerful face. Sometimes, I just want to watch TV -- read -- and it doesn't bother me to work from home and do those things. Sometimes I don't care if I don't leave the house -- get fresh air -- but they care. They want me out there -- and while I feel sorry for them that I am not where they want me to be -- it also angers me. Maybe irritate is a better word. I wish I could be like them -- I am sometimes -- but now I am not. I want to sit this one out... and they need to give me space. I've tried talking to them, but then they just seem wounded like I am telling them to go away.

I've gone on and on enough. Thanks for the support. Really.

Virtual hug.