I'm sorry about the question in the title but I'm fed up of every thought or feeling I have being immediately blamed on the BPD or depression or numerous other diagnosis I've had over the last 10+ years. Is it just me or does it sometimes feel like doctors just want to label you with something to a) shut you up/humour you, b) Be able to say they gave a diagnosis (looks good on their records)?
I'm gonna ramble for a bit, with all the stuff in my head at the moment I think it might do me some good to get it out and with the possibility that someone here might have some idea of how I'm feeling and what I'm going through.
The thing is I've spent years with self doubting and self analysis as my curse. Does being diagnsosed help? I don't think so, I think it makes things worse, give me reason to doubt myself even more and if that wasn't bad enough, now everyone else has a reason to doubt me too! Are people compassionate or understanding? Or is it a good excuse to patronise you and make you think your going mad? Whenever I'm upset now, or angry at someone or something, I'm told I'm being irrational and that it's my mental health that is making me think that way! Surely I'm allowed to have bonified reasons for being upset sometimes?
Why is it that in the 21st century any kind of mental health issue is still so stigmatised? I'm judged at every corner as being stupid by people who lack any real depth or intelligence themselves, but then surely that's just my own boosted self ego right? Do you get where I'm going yet? Nothing I think or feel is real so I'm told, in which case why exist? Swings and roundabouts.
(Please note that the comment did not come from suicidal thoughts as right now I feel ok. Needed to point that out as even discussing these feelings of frustration makes people think I'm having an episode or am suicidal!)
I feel as though my diagnosis has given people reason to not listen to me or to dismiss me more easily than they did before. The best bit is that with 10 years of diagnosis and numerous mental health workers I still don't feel as though anybody has any idea of how I feel or what I'm going through.
I don't feel any kind of medication helps, I've given up taking any now and am trying to learn to cope with it myself. (I'll let you know how this goes!) I do however have a supportive partner who always goes along with me when I'm dillusional and never dismisses my thoughts, which actually helps me funnily enough. At some point I begin thinking rationally again and he's still here for me. As much as I think he's gonna get fed up of me one day he insists he never will. At least I'm unpredictable hey?
I have a love hate relationship with myself and with the world. My mood swings are so frequently that it's impossible for me to predict how I feel when. My dad once asked me to tell him how bad I feel giving a number between 1 and 10 with 10 being the worst and 1 being the best. He said he'd call each day to check how I felt. But that's silly cause, he could phone me in the morning and seconds, minutes or hours later I could feel at the other end of the scale or somewhere in between! Even if he'd called a few times a day this could still be the case.
And we're not even going into the times when I'm so bad I don't want to answer the phone, or when I'm so fed up/frustrated or irrational that I can't deal with a converstaion with anyone. Or even when I think that everyone is out to get me including my dad! So what's the answer? I don't know, I never know. I don't know if I am who I think I am, or who I want to be, I don't know if I'm thinking rationally now, or if I was yesterday or if I will be tomorrow. How would I know if I'm rational? Even when I think I am, I later think I wasn't! My self analysis is crippling me and yet I can't stop, it's my obsession I think.
I wanna go now and wait for a reply cause if I didn't I'd go on forever. At least if I wait for a reply I can try to answer questions or ask them maybe. Perhaps get some direction for my thoughts.
Heh, do I make things look worse? I find it hard to get the doctors to understand how bad it is even, how do you put things in words when you're embarassed about them as it is or you know they are only going to try to convince you that your feelings are not legitimate anyway, and when you're suffering dillusions or paranoia and you know they are gonna say you're not rational how do you even tell them at all, if anything I have to admit I sometimes hide how bad things are, not all the time, and I often tell them how bad it got AFTER an episode rather than during. But I don't think I can get across to them how bad things are most of the time even when I try. I will explain as much as I can how I feel but still feel as though there is more I can't describe. I think sometimes this is made harder by the fact that I rarely saw the same person more than two or three times though currently I have a key worker who visits me at home regularly and he's actually going to be godfather to my new daughter. I find it easier to talk to him openly but even then never completely. I often feel that if I say the truth I'll get locked away, I know this in itself is probably irrational, or that he'll judge me or belittle how I feel. I guess I don't really trust anyone.
Do I feel betrayed when people don't agree with me? I'm not sure, I'd like to think that I'm quite good at listening to others opinions, I certainly try at least though I probably find it hard to accept their argument I don't think I feel betrayed by it.
Do I feel I have to get people back? That's a hard one, I know I certainly used to, again I'd like to think I've progressed from that with age though I've not had cause to hold a grudge lately. I did used to feel I needed to get my own back, and I used to be EXTREMELY what I'd call evil in my plans to do so. Often in a pyschological manner, never with violence. I did used to hold those ideas for a long time too, though now as I said I don't think I have that same problem anymore, though it would have to be tested to know for sure.
Do I need reassurance of love? Previously, perhaps no more than a year and a half ago before I met my current partner, I refused to let ANYONE love me at all. I never got on with my mother and if she tried to hug me I'd blatently push her off of me. I never believed anyone who used the word love even, not to me or to anyone else. I was totally cynical, despite an ok relationship with my dad, I stopped talking to him about 2 years ago after he tried to intrude on what I would call an episode. I'd locked myself away in my house refusing to answer the phone or door filled with paranoia and irrational beliefs. My dad wouldn't leave me alone and my irrational beliefs spilled over on to him I guess. I finally told him I didn't want him in my life at all anymore and that he was manipulative and controlling (I still don't think this is too far from the truth though, perhaps not to the extreme that I needed to stop any contact though). Then I met my current partner who is always telling me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and if I ever have any negative images of myself he does reassure me, though I never believe a word of it. I often don't believe he really does love me but that he's with me out of some self interst, though not sure what. I've never had reassurance of love before and never sought it out, and though I'm sure things might be worse without the reassurance I get from my partner, it still doesn't REALLY reassure me at all if that makes sense?
First I want you to know that I truely believe that no one here is going to judge anything you say, there are no shocking statements amoung this group. I believe this is a place you can really, just tell us what is going on and get a listening ear and some great support. This along with inside perspective from some who have experienced the same types of things that you do.
Your post has my attention, prayers, and support.
I want to ask a few questions if I may....
-- you mentioned that you have a daughter - have things gotten worse since you had her? Is it possibly a contribution of PPD? My BP got much worse after my first child - off the charts!
--when was the last time you saw your pDr?
--do you think your med's are working the way they should?
--are you on med's that control some of the effects of BP, such as antidepressants, antipsy, moodstabilizers, or anxiety medication?
I will be in and out today, but I will look for your next post.
Meanwhile, please know that I'm sending you a very big HUG and a sincere Welcome.
Daisey 
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