An Introduction - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

tvcasualty · 10-28-2007, 03:39 AM

I am awake, I sleep, I am reborn. My personality been in a (seemingly) perpetual state of flux from my initial birth up and to this very moment. "This is normal, though." I assure myself - even though deep, down inside I know better. The way I change is not "normal." No one I have ever met (mal)functions the way I do. Nature or Nurture? I don't know.

Throughout different periods of my life, I've tricked myself into thinking that I know who I am. The identities I've attached to myself have been various and plenty, although none of them were anything other than how I wanted to project myself to others because I was ashamed of who I was and didn't want to truly "know" other people or allow them to "know" Me.

The doctor says that I am "bi-polar" and need to take pills. I didn't trust him due to the hurried manner in which such drugs were prescribed but for many reasons, I'm taking them anyway.

I am called TV Casualty. I am a real person with an alias on a message board. I hope I'm welcome here. Thank you.

tony72 · 10-28-2007, 07:57 AM

TV,

You are MORE than welcome here. ((((((( HUG ))))))).

I prefer to be called Daisey, but my poster id is Tony72.

The human condition is very complex, isn't it? Your description of how you ( and many of us ) feel inside is articulate poetry.

I simply must suggest a reading... from your post I feel confident that it is on your level and will define some of the unknow feelings mixed inside you. J. Powell's - "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" All his books are pretty much out of print <removed>. They are self help books unlike any I have ever found.

We all wear "masks" - multiple ones throughout the day. A diffrent on is at the grocery store and another when we get home. These masks protect us, only allowing others to see who we are based on how comfortable we feel with them (and outselves). Everyone is afraid to truly expose the core inter"who". We are all, deep down, afraid of rejection, or disapproval.
See, it is OK if the gal at the grocery store seems to disapprove or dislike who we are....she is only seeing what the mask and rejection at that level doesn't hurt so bad, even if it hurts some - we can dismiss it.
The question of "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?", is complex but can be boiled down some. See, if I tell you who I am, really who I am on the inside (if I know myself). Showing you who I am = exposes everything I have - takes down all my walls. If I show you and you don't like what you see.... there is Nothing left to offer... I have experienced true rejection at the deepest level.
Sometimes we run from who we really are inside - we ourselves are afraid of what we "may" see. This resolution is harder to obtain.

All care and concern ==== welcome ---- I really mean that.

Daisey

tvcasualty · 10-28-2007, 10:09 PM

Daisey,

Thank you for your welcoming response. I really do appreciate it. Also, I plan on ordering the book you suggested <removed> I plan to read it and share my thoughts afterward. I anticipate a positive experience based on your suggestion <removed>.

As for the masks...well, I have recently realized that I had spent so much time wearing them that I had completely forgotten who I was. (That is to say that I've ever been anyone at all) I've reached a point in my life where I no longer want to hide but I've been hiding for so long that I don't know what to expect. It can be overwhelming but taking things one step at a time usually works for me (providing that I can slow my mind down enough to have useful, coherent thoughts).

Thank you for taking time to respond to me. Your response helped more than talking to the people I know ever could. I can tell that you identify with me, at least to some degree - and that feels nice. Thank you again.

naturemomma816 · 10-30-2007, 04:49 PM

HI Daisy

And a big hello and welcome to tvcasualty.

I read your post and wanted to say hi.
I identified with every sentence and feel the same.
I also wanted to say, maybe you are all the masks. Daisy and I were posting to a thread somewhat similar to this and one thing I have come to realize is that whatever the mask, it's still mine. Daisy is right, we all pretend and show people whatever seems to be fitting at the time.

You sound like a very cool person and I can't imagine why you would not want to share that with others. I know you made me smile, and that's a pretty tall task today! Also, the way you describe "change" is my "normal". My mood changes every few minutes. Luckily you have found a website full of people who feel the same. Everyday we all learn to accept ourselves a little more. I look forward to your future posts.
Naturemomma

P.S. I think it's both nature and nurture. Nature gives it to you, but it only matters how you nurture yourself out of it.

Llama · 10-30-2007, 10:32 PM

Of course you are welcome here. I enjoyed your sentence: "No one I have ever met (mal)functions the way I do." Interesting and clever. Really depends on the perspective, I guess. I hope you find some people on here who (mal)function the way you do.

And I know how you feel about "taking the pills anyway." Sometimes I still question whether or not I need them or should be taking them. I fear what will happen if I don't. Sad to say, but I fear myself. I've ruined my life enough by not taking meds for this illness. Enough is enough.