pucca_chick

ive had it now. im 19 now and ive just flew on a rollercoaster since 14 and am now deciding its time to get off my arse and do my own research, find my own symptoms cos not one
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doc will move any fruther from'u just need to talk about it all'(sexual abuse-but its not why my moods go).

at 14 i noticed a slow ebbing misery coming on, i was before happy person who did well at school having sturggled with attention problems since preschool. having been anxious and socially shy i had my own group of freinds and i was happy.

then about 2 months into that i dipped <lower>

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, crying all day and night,not able to do school, argued constantly and didnt eat right, i lsept about 2 hrs a night.

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i was still low, hopeless, dispairing, negative, i didnt care and i struggled majorly with school. i began harming at 15 then.

followed by this was another major bout 3 months later, and again the following summer, then again at christams.and it just keeps happening. in between i get not a normal mood but as normal as i can possibly feel. im still very pessimistic and lifes a chore and i struggle to do things. but every so often in these periods im litered with bursts of happiness. i enjoy it. i wud generally be a shy negative person but in thses times i feel drunk. i love everyone, i talk to everyone loudly and i interrupt and go a million miles a minute9i can be annoying), i talk rubbish and laugh myself nearly sick. ive done some weird things like throwing yogurt at the kitchen walls, putting my feet in the grill(it was turned off), jumped from chair to chair shouting and laughing and sometimes jump on freinds, put on funny voices and talk rubbish. but it only lasts a few hours. after that though i feel good, its just is a positive of what im feeling for a while. i feel like everything lifted and i have a bit of hope, i can finally breathe and im going to do really well, get a good degree, move out and be responsible and marry and make loads of babies while having a great job. there have been moments were ive decided to take an interest in a repviosuly despised career path(nursing), id never wanted it
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but then in a good phase while picking university choices i went to an open day, thought it was wonderful and i was going to be a really high up nurse and i went to the interveiws and got in. then it just switched off one day and i wanted to kill myself over it-it was a let down to my parents. i did another thing once where i went and almost applied to move to scotland and become an outdoor pursuits teacher in the mountains.

i havent had a good phase in aaagggeeees, mainly depression as ive had a stressful year.im generally depressed but every few months im getting severly low

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. it happene din may this year after it was comin on and then i was triggered and it was sped up. i didnt eat or wash for days, went out and got drunk and stoned, passed out in toilets and vomited all over myself, almost failed exams and physically got sick. then i felt after i was in the eye of the hurricane and things became low but calm.

now its happening again and last week i was risk assessed and asked if i thought i should be hospitalised.i felt it comin and for a few weeks before hand had been extremely angry to the point i felt it bursting out of me, i ranted at my counselor and all that.then i got stoned, spent all my cash on it and drink, crashed 2 days later. got very anxious cudnt sit still

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i sat in the ******* rain and got soaked to my skin and had to ring my shoes out, i paced through dirt and banged rocks together, almost ran into traffic and tried calling my doc but missed her by 5 minutes. i seen an emergency counsellor who risk assessd me but havent told my doc yet. i also didnt go to work and called sick and they were furious. then i slept most of the weekend but at weird times and when i woke up i was either depressingly unstable and slow or both, slow but mentally racing. i went to work and was 'happier' but pretty depressed at the same time. i feel so unstable like im walking a tightrope and trying to keep a lid on things. then also about 2 months before this i mailed my counsellor with a sudden list of very organised ideas and was miles ahead of her decided anxiously i needed all this fixed and was wrecking myself running to fix it all-then i just crashed.

in general im hopeless with cash, i cant focus and am failing UNI, im not the best employee of the year and im told i can be very angry. ive had 3 assessments in which i was very depressed but im sarcastic and accidentally sugar coat it. ive seen 3 counsellors and am due a fourth, 3 GP's and been on prozac last year,

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i get phases of OCD tendencies, the meds didnt work and had no affect after that. my diagnoses of depression and anxiety was removed cos i couldnt tell them the truth(crap at expressing), now im called emotionally distrubed at best and keep getting told to do counselling despite were on the 4th and it aint workin, hasnt even dented it.

my counsellor is concerned a sit doesnt fit in with what we are doing and has noticed phases i go through and patterns. i see her tomorrow to talk it over but what im trying to ask is if this could be a type of bipolar?? counselling cant control this im just trying to manage to stay in safe places so i dont'do it'.

for the record my GP isnt great at listening anymore, she went by the specialist and now im not treated as mentally ill or in any sense ill at all-but for some reason she still sees me. she has said before i have symptoms of depression and anxiety, im registered with disability for it and two of the counsellors have agreed im depressed and anxious-but its these bursts that are holding everything back-i cant focus to fix myself.

please please help-any ideas??

__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken