raygun

Greetings,
I first wanted to send a thanks for the people that are looking for help or trying to have found a place.

This marks the 20th year of me being on and off meds for having ultra-rapid cycling bp (ok, more off then on but still.)
I remember my mom not knowing what to do with me and taking me to the hospital where I was put on prozac.
That didn't last long. They just didn't know what to do with me.

Over the years I've been on countless meds and combinations (lithium was by far the worst.)
Lately its been a daily dose of 1500mg depakote er and 300mg of wellbutrin with the occasional provigil or lunesta when needed.
My next trip to the doc (which i'm late to, again) I'm doing to try to change it up.
Too much anxiety and the lows while not coming as often seem more intense.


I guess what I'm getting at is this. Twenty years later and it seems I'm in the same spot I started at if not in a worse situation.
Two divorces (with one od'ing on my meds killing our unborn child), more jobs then I could possibly count, moving up to 11 times in a 6 month period and having that feeling I hurt anyone I get close too.
Granted, I understand a lot is just how life works, but I know a lot has happened because of me not either being on meds or something related.
I finally KNOW I HAVE to take my meds, but I still forget somehow.
I lived in my car for 5 months, someone's closet for 6, donated blood for money. All sorts of great things to do when off my meds.

I've spent the last 6 years without going off my meds and the closest thing I've been to 'stable' since I can remember.
Is there such a thing as 'normal'? I guess stability is more what I'm trying to find.
I've got a good job, a few close friends and one screwed up situation for a personal relationship.

It just feels like I'm struggling to get through life as normal as possible but Im not enjoying it as much as possible. Thats the part of life I want to achieve.
I'm off the unprescribed drugs, I don't drink (ok, as much as I used to, one or two a month at most.)
It wasn't until a friend of mine showed me just how much life could be enjoyed.
She's got this personality like no other, which could explain why I can't get her out of my mind no matter how hard I try.

How can I stop thinking about the same things over and over again, to let things simply 'go', to not dwell so much?
I've gotten a LOT better over the years but have a long way to go.


cheers