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Old 11-03-2007, 12:16 AM   #1
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animalari HB User
Unhappy Shutting people out

Since the last post I made here, I've been reading through my fiance's copy of Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder by Julie Fast. It's starting to make me realize that a lot of my behaviors that I had attributed to other things are very common BP symptoms, and that as much as I've been wanting to believe that I have most of my BP symptoms under control, I really just .. don't.

More than I think it should, this realization has got me really upset. I know he wants to work with me and understand me, but I know that it's really just in his best interest that I shut him out, just as I have with so many other people in the past. Any time I lost control of my regular symptoms (ie - not the new ones that I'm discovering are BP-related after all, rather than whatever else I blamed them on) with someone else, I quickly shut them out of my life. I've lost a lot of great friends because of this, and part of my issues with my family stem from me blocking people out. (Though right now, I don't know if my blocking my family out is more their real lack of desire to understand the disorder or if I just perceive them as feeling that way.)

I don't know what my actual question here is. Right now, I'm just feeling really sad and alone and frustrated, as it's 3:09am and I'm alone at home with two cats and two dogs and no actual humans to talk to, and I just feel like I'm breaking down.

I just know that as he was leaving here at the end of his lunch break (he works nights and comes home to spend his breaks with me), he told me that he doesn't want to "fix" me, that he just wants me to let him love me, and I just feel like for his own sake I really shouldn't let him do that.

I don't know.

Is there ever anyone actually online here at this time of night, anyway?

There must be, right? I can't possibly be the only person here who only sleeps semi-normal hours under the influence of Am*bi*en?

To make this into a question, I guess: How do you stop yourself from shutting out loved ones who want to be there for you, when you know from books and message boards that you're only going to end up ruining their lives?

Last edited by moderator2; 11-03-2007 at 12:22 PM.

 
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Old 11-03-2007, 05:24 AM   #2
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naturemomma816 HB User
Re: Shutting people out

I don't know if you read the thread, "I don't like others", but I started that thread in order to pose the same question. Some of the posts you may find very helpful, I know I did.

Now, about your fiance, try as hard as you can to be open with him and communicate what you are feeling. Tell him you feel like shutting him out and all the reasons why. Most likely afterward you will feel much better. Many of the women and men who have BP have been very very blessed with the love a of partner, who at times puts up with way more than they should. I am married and my husband was sent to me straight from God. God knew I couldn't handle this alone. You can't either. I am also learning that I really don't know as much as I thought I did about BP. This is a scary time for, as I am sure it is for you. You need support, you deserve support. I am a very loving person, but I can cut people off real quick, for stupid things. Ususally only when they hurt me, it's my protection. I can assure you it hasn't worked. This behavior has only left me asking questions to people I can't physically see on the internet (i.e. this board). I believe this may or may not be a symptom of bp, either way - we have the ability to fix it. Manic is real symptom of bp, I think that cutting people off is really only subsymptom and something we use freely to protect ourselves. BP's are very sensitive people, we overfeel and overanalyze everything and if we don't watch this, it can be a lonely life. You sound like a beautiful person who deserves a wonderful life. Give you fiance a chance to love you, you will only be rewarded for it in the end. I know I was.

Hope I was helpful and I hope you feel better soon.
Naturemomma

 
Old 11-03-2007, 05:37 AM   #3
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animalari HB User
Re: Shutting people out

Dogmansa, from reading your past posts about your experiences with your fiancee, I am just so touched. Honestly, your second post here sounded incredibly similar to my fiance's post on another bipolar-related board and it broke my heart to read of your intense love for her and what she puts you though, because I know it's exactly the same love that he has for me, and is exactly the same as what I put him through. It amazes me how you both have so much strength and courage and can find it in yourselves to not just tolerate, but to love a woman with bipolar disorder. I really am not sure if I would be able to do it, myself, and for that strength, I really commend you.

Naturemomma816, you're so right on your recommendation of talking to him about how I feel to make the situation feel a little better for me. I talked to him and cried to him a bit when he got home from work, and that, in combination with the kind replies to my post, and in reading stories from other BP folk on the "I don't like others" board has really have made a world of difference. I've always known talking about how I feel can help the situation, but when my biggest concern is that I'm ruining his life by constantly talking about BD and how it makes me feel, talking about it in an attempt to alleviate the problem is a sort of bittersweet irony. (I hope that makes sense!)

Thank you both so much for your encouragement and kind words. I'm really starting to get the feeling that finding this board really is one of the best things I have done for myself and my disorder in a long, long time.

 
Old 11-03-2007, 06:18 AM   #4
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naturemomma816 HB User
Re: Shutting people out

animalari,

I know you feel like you are "overtalking" about BP, that's how I feel too. I think my husband must be sick of it by this pont. But when I asked him if this was the case, his reply was "no way". He loves me and together we have to learn about BP. There is certainly no other human being with whom I would want to share this with. The love of someone to share this with has made all the difference in the world. I finally feel like I am in a safe place.
Don't worry. You are discovering all about what makes you, you. And I am sure he has to interested in that.

Good luck to the both of you. Love each other and everything else will work itself out.
Naturemomma

 
Old 11-03-2007, 01:45 PM   #5
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Llama HB User
Re: Shutting people out

Oh boy. I wish I knew the answer. I do shut people out too. BUT I also think that non-bp people can and do the same thing.

Just know that you aren't alone! ((((HUGS))))

 
Old 11-03-2007, 04:49 PM   #6
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tony72 HB User
Re: Shutting people out

Friend,

I've been thinking since reading your post and wanted to bring to light some things.

My husband, who is not normally extremely understanding, has really suprised me in dealing with my BP symptoms. Since I've been diagnosed he has become sensitive, supportive, a listener, and extremely compassionate. I believe that knowing there is an underlying cause has allowed him a greater level of patience and understanding.

If your fiance is willing to read and understand your condition.....he is a keeper. There are so many couples who do not share this level of understanding or communication.

No relationship is perfect, everyone - BP or not, has issues and hangups. When you truely love someone you love them with all the elements that contribute to who they are. Just as no relationship is perfect, no one is perfect in themselves. I adore my husband, but he is far from what I thought perfect would be in my younger years. You are not a waste of time or to much work. You are someone who is managing a conditon that effects you - not defines you.

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't love you and want to endure this aspect of your life. You are worthy, and wonderfully made.

((((( HUGS))))))) Daisey

 
Old 11-04-2007, 01:09 AM   #7
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animalari HB User
Re: Shutting people out

Quote:
Originally Posted by tony72 View Post
You are someone who is managing a conditon that effects you - not defines you.

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't love you and want to endure this aspect of your life. You are worthy, and wonderfully made.
Well really, I know that. He tells me that, others tell me that, but in times like these, it's just so hard to believe. I don't know how to explain that, really. I really KNOW it's true, but then there's that really loud part of me that screams out that it's a total lie and I'm wasting his life and his (and everyone else's) time. I know we all must get like that, in these moments.

And that sentiment, "managing a condition that effects me - not defines me" should really be put on a t-shirt for me to wear constantly to remember it. Bipolar effects me; it does not define me. I just have to keep repeating that over and over and maybe eventually, I'll stop feeling like I'm just SO bipolar that I can't possibly be anything else along with it.

Thank you so much. Your reply really gives me a lot to think about. I'm reading it at the perfect time; it's exactly what I need right now.

 
Old 11-04-2007, 06:11 PM   #8
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seaturtle HB User
Re: Shutting people out

Animalari,

Someone once pointed out to me that it is their choice to stick with me and deal with my illness. If they make that decision, we don't need to feel we have to protect them against ourselves.

I often feel the way you do, though, and shut people out, too. But when I've told them how I feel, they've actually gotten angry with me for not letting them decide if they want the relationship or not.

Just a thought....

 
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