cat8261

Hi everyone,
So glad to have found this message board and finally hear from real people going through the same/similar things that I feel and have felt for so long. In advance, I thank anyone who takes the time to read this post (it's a long one).

I have not been diagnosed with BP, but at age 30 I highly suspect that I have it. At the moment, I live in a foreign country (non-English speaking), am broke, have a crappy health insurance that won't cover anything related to mental disorders, and, even if I could afford to see a doctor to try see if I have BP, probably couldn't find one that speaks English. So I was hoping to get some feedback help from the great folks on this message board to help me analyze myself a bit. Of course, I will go for a profession diagnosis one day, but for the moment I would just like to have something to chew on for some support.

I have looked at the "newbies bipolar symptom primer" and feel that I certainly meet many of the criteria. The more I analyze my life and myself in the present and also looking at my past I see patterns (life destructive ones) that now I can see might have been due to BP.

For mania: I have never heard voices in my head or had hallucinations or delusions. But I can definitely say that I feel times where I have massive increases in energy, happiness, humor, loads of confidence etc. In the past I have been labeled by others as 'spaz' or 'energizer bunny' etc. When I'm in this super-state, everyone ADORES me and I'm the life of the party. I feel good, period. For many aspects of my life this has been great. For work, school, I've always been quite successful (with exceptions - the dark periods). As I've read, this can be considered the 'good' side of BP. Is this perhaps hypomania?

One of the bigger symptoms for me is irritability/anger/rage. I can trace it back to age 16. I often want to have tantrums for no reason. It's like I wake up and just want to fight someone or something. It has nothing to do with the environment around me. For example, there are days where something might go wrong or not the way I like and I can deal with it normally, like most people would. Then there are days where I feel like a volcano ready to erupt; it literally feels like I'm bursting from within. I feel RAGE and it's uncontrollable, and often this rage can immediately turn into uncontrollable sobbing. I've had this all my life. I've kicked, thrown things, yelled. My mother is exactly the same way (she was diagnosed with BP about 3 years ago -she's 71). Because my mom was always like this, I always thought it was normal human behavior. When you're angry, you act out? RIght? Over the years, living away from my mother I have realized that it's not the case. Needless to say, this rage has been devastating for my romantic relationships (including the current one). I wish I could make it stop, because I can see myself objectively, and it's horrible the way I behave, but I just can't control it. I try to control it, and have gotten much better (I don't throw things anymore), but it doesn't mean that I don't want to throw them anymore. The rage is still there.

Some of the other mania symptoms are harder for me recognize. I often have racing thoughts, but I don't think I have racing speech. Poor concentration and distractablilty seem to get worse over time, but are not major symptoms. I'm quite sexual, but not necessarily obsessed, so that one is hard to judge. I certainly have had reckless, impulsive, destructive behavior during periods of my life (think jail, lots of unprotected sex, etc), but I also have periods where I'm a super goody-two shoes. My sleep has for the most part always been regular, up until the last six months, where it has become more and more irregular, but not too bad.

For the depressive side: much easier to describe. I get really, really low. Uncontrollable sobbing. There were periods in my life where every night in bed I cried myself to sleep; just exhausted from the crying. I become EXTREMELY negative and pessimistic about everything. The weird thing during many of my depressions is that I CAN THINK positive. I can say to myself "your life is good, this is good, that is good" and in a rational way can see that there is no need for depression or sadness, but physically I'm just LOW. I can be rational in my HEAD, but I don't FEEL that way. Like with the rage, I feel like the need for sobbing comes from deep within, like a volcano that needs to get some things out.

Does anything I describe here feel like what people with BP experience? I would love any feedback from anyone...especially about what I might do next.

thanks so much