At my wits end... - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Ljascoe85 · 04-27-2008, 09:24 PM

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about six years ago. I was 16. I am now 22 and I have been medication free for 5 of those years. I chose not to take meds partially because I knew I was going to drink and party and I didn't wanna mix drugs like lithium with alcohol. And the fact that I was a total zombie because of all the meds. Anyway I'd like to think I have been controlling my bipolar symptoms pretty well all this time. Although I would still have outbursts I kept them somewhat under control. I am now in a somewhat new relationship, started nursing school in september and life had been getting increasingly stressful. I fear that I am loosing control of myself alot more lately, or maybe its just the fact that my significant other is always there to tell me how bad I flip out about everything and that Im like a timebomb. I feel like Im always on edge, I completely over react about everything, Im so angry and irratable.. I just cant take it anymore.. example: my mom is down visiting because my grandfather is ill in the hospital. i slammed my elbow on something and it hurt so immediatly i yelled and took it out on my mother. i always try to catch myself but im just never quick enough. Right after i explode i know and i feel remorse.. but im always too late.. i know i need help but right now i have neither money nor time to get it. I guess im just hoping for some insight before i end up snapping and losing everything ive worked so hard for. help.

cyclomaniac · 04-28-2008, 12:56 AM

my suggestion is to start trying some medications. cut out the alcohol and take control. i was diagnosed about 6 months ago and have been on medications ever since...luckily the first meds i've taken have worked wonders. i never even knew i could feel this good!

i was very scared to start taking medications, but i am so glad i did. in the past month i have been able to achieve things that i only dreamed about (remaining calm at work and not crying in the bathroom every day, having a bbq with friends at my house)...all simple stuff but very important stuff in leading a happy life. what you said at the end of your post resonated with me..."before i end up snapping and losing everything ive worked so hard for"...that is exactly what sent me to the doc in the first place. for years i have blamed my mood swings and erratic behavior on other people and circumstances. then, when everything was finally set in place (husband, job, independance, you name it) and i still wasn't happy despite having everything i wanted and had worked for, and i was still have fits like a child and feeling like a big baby...i knew something else was wrong and knew it was me. i had nothing left to blame it on! so, anyway, what you said struck a chord with me. you've got to get treatment. try the drugs because you may end up feeling better than you ever knew you could. also, you may not neccessarily end up on something like lithium. my doc put me on abilify and lamictal and HOLY COW...what a difference. throw in some visits to the psychologist and there ya go...you may just start seeing some changes.

the road is tough but it seems that you have recognized all that is at stake...seek treatment as soon as you can!! good luck!

CarenR · 04-28-2008, 08:22 AM

Getting on the right medications is the answer..... I take zyprexa 5 mg.s

Caren.... Bipolar 1

Llama · 04-28-2008, 10:37 AM

I know you say you don't have the time or money for treatment, but this really is a necessary if you want to feel better.

You could go to a free clinic in your area and they would be able to treat you for free or on a sliding scale.

And as far as the time thing goes, just consider it a little investment in your health. One little pdoc appointment can go a long way towards recovery. It will really only take maybe an hour of your time.

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

katlin09 · 04-28-2008, 11:28 AM

Ljascoe,

I was Dx'd 17 yrs. ago BP/BPII with sever suicidal depression...and after the first 5 or 6 years and 2 suicide attempts I stopped taking meds and going to therapy I thought I was cured and I didnt' need it anymore I could handle it by myself thank you very much!...Yeah right, I was good at convincing myself of that. 1 more suicide attempt a few years later and being heavy into Self Harming, I figured out that I wasn't handling anything, just suffering needlessly, and causing everyone around me to suffer as well. So my suggestion is that you get back on meds and find a good pdoc. because this really isn't a disease that you can cure yourself with just will power and a good attitude, sorry but it just doesn't work that way....it will continue to get worse, and worse and harder and harder the longer you go untreated.

Good luck to you and let us know how you're doing.