now that I know what it is, who am I? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

myk · 05-06-2008, 06:58 PM

Hi,
I've recently been reclassified from hypomanic to full-blown bipolar based on the fact that a recent episode spiraled out of control and eventually interfered with my work. I know that it is time for treatment and I'm waiting to see how lithium works in conjunction with no drugs and alcohol ( I was on seroquel for sleep and stability for a while but I'm off it because it made me too tired and my pdoc said it wasn't necessary).

The big problem I have now is figuring out who I am and what I like. Nothing feels natural anymore, except with my wife and daughter. When I'm around people I just don't have much to say and it sucks. I was really used to using the manic energy to talk and do things with people, plus I did a lot of substances, and now that's all gone.

I'm fine with moving on and changing my life, but it's really hard to be around people because I just don't know how to act. I suppose I should be in psychotherapy, but right now I have a pdoc who pretty much just prescribes meds and expects everything else to sort itself out. So that's my deal right now, figuring out who am I?

seaturtle · 05-07-2008, 06:50 PM

Hello,
Yes, that's so difficult when we change like that from being used to the illness's symptoms being our norm and then wondering who we are without them. IT takes time, and I'd suggest you really could use a therapist to help you through this transition.

OF course, we are the same people,. but so much of our behaviour and thinking has been not ours really, but an illness. I think with treatment and meds, you will find yourself feeling much more like someone you once knew and be comfortable again with yourself and friends. But have patience and keep posting, okay?

I've been through the same thing.

Seaturtle

savvy traveller · 05-07-2008, 09:51 PM

i can completely relate.

i was diagnosed after a bout of mania sent me to the hospital. at the time, i was saying all sorts of nonsensical things - like that i was revolutionary and everyone (and i mean, everyone) was watching me. in a word, psychotic. i was admitted voluntarily but it was mainly because i could tell from the look in my boyfriend's and mom's eyes that something just wasn't right. at the time, i thought it was just sleep deprivation.

i have since gotten better. came all the way down from mania after a few weeks. i was nothing but a blank stare for a month or two thereafter. and now i'm functioning pretty much normally, except, i'm constantly at a loss for words. i used to have too many stories to tell. i used to care about every little thing. now, that part was bad to some extent but the good part was i felt like such a passionate person.

i don't know who i am either. i look back and attribute every success i've had to hypomania, and every failure to depression.

we can be in this together. keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Llama · 05-07-2008, 09:59 PM

I would DEFINITELY recommend seeing a psychologist! That is all my psychologist and I talk about is how to deal with this illness and what to watch for and what it's like. Well, that is all we talk about now but who knows what will be future topics. I have been seeing him for about 6 months now and it has helped me come to terms with this illness more. I was like you before and did not see a psychologist and just saw a psychiatrist who only prescribed meds (and I saw her for maybe 15-20 mins at a time). Look into this and let us know how it goes.

cyclomaniac · 05-08-2008, 10:04 AM

i can relate. it has been hard adjusting and figuring out how to deal with life without mania. however, things really started to click into place when i got rid of the depression, too. that's when i actually became stable and felt like i could finally trust myself...all the negative thinking and anxiety about what mood i would be in disappeared.

i would definitely suggest seeing a therapist, even though i myself have not been going to one (it was starting to look weird at work that i had all these dr appts). i feel like i have figured out a lot of things on my own and i don't know what i would talk to a therapist about anyway. i tried it and it just didn't work. HOWEVER, since you are having a hard time with it i would definitely suggest it because i think it would have helped back when i was still depressed.