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Old 05-23-2008, 06:00 PM   #1
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ScorpioGrl21 HB User
I'm new

Hi! I'm new I have been lurking for a bit I'm kind of shy but I can really use some support, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 18 almost 9 years ago, I never did accept it, 5 psychiatrists later and being diagnosed as Bipolar every time I have just now accepted it. I have finally found a great pdoc and a very nice psychologist and am giving meds another shot, in the past I have been on Effexor, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Risperdal, Depakote, Topamax, theres a lot more but can't think of all of them, anyways I am on Seroquel right now and I HATE IT! it does get me to sleep and without it I would be awake for days.

What prompted me to finally get help was because I was awake two weeks straight, I also became very suicidal and way just locking myself in my bedroom everyday, DH is the one who drove me to the doctors and pushed me to get help, I believe all of this was was triggered by the death of two of my friends who both died a very tragic death very unexpected and at a very young age it was hard to go through that, I'm pretty sure that was the trigger.

Anyways I'm rambling sorry...I have been on Seroquel for about 2 months and I am so tired sometimes and very irritated I yell at my poor kids all the time and go from agitated to irritable to depressed and some days are good but then the next day I'm upset again, it's like a rollercoaster, I met with my pdoc a few days ago and now I am on Lamictal and still taking (seroquel) he started me on a starter kit 25 mg it's too early to know if it's working but on days like this I just want to sleep because I'm so irritated and yell at everyone, I'm tired of this rollercoaster and wish I could just feel normal again, but the sad thing is, is that I have stayed off meds for 6 yrs and can't even remember what normal is.

This intro turned out longer than I thought and I'm sorry if it is choppy, but I am so happy I found this board, and wanted to go ahead and introduce myself.

 
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Old 05-24-2008, 12:22 PM   #2
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twisted71 HB User
Re: I'm new

Scorpio, welcome to the board. I know what you mean about being irritable and yelling at your kids. I do the same things and I then feel really bad afterwards. I haven't gone for days or weeks without sleep though. I have gone on just a few hours of sleep but not on nothing at all. I love my sleep. lately though I have been going on little sleep. Now I am rambling, lol.

Just know that we are here for you. I am glad that you are finally getting the help that you need.
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Old 05-26-2008, 12:32 PM   #3
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ScorpioGrl21 HB User
Re: I'm new

Hi Twisted! Thank you for responding, Yeah Im still taking the seroquel or else I would never sleep but I really want to switch my hair is falling out (not sure if it is med related) but I am sticking to the 50mg that usually keeps my irritability at bay. My mom took my kids for the wknd while I adjust, I am feeling better, I am not getting as compulsive about things or yelling at everyone so it's getting there, I am crossing my fingers that this is the one, but I won't know until a few more weeks.

Again Thank you for responding, I know what its like even going on little sleep, That has at times been beneficial but at other times has almost sent me to the hospital, I hope you get more sleep soon.

 
Old 05-26-2008, 08:15 PM   #4
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Re: I'm new

I don't know much about meds but I do know they can sometimes make you lose your hair. So if you weren't losing your hair before, that may be why.

That is about all my meds are doing for me now too. keeping the edge off. Not screaming my head off. But that is about it. I have been on them almost a month and I know it takes up to 8 weeks but it seems like it should be doing something by now. So we'll see.
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Old 05-26-2008, 08:43 PM   #5
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Question Re: I'm new

hey,
i new to this site, so i hope this is the right thing to do.
anyway, i was reading your story and i was thinking about the similarities of my illness.
im currently going through a pretty bad stage, hence why im searching for internet based help sites.

im really down at the moment. everyday seems to be getting worse. i keep telling myself, 'oh depression will be over soon and ill be fine', but it's honestly a long, hard time.
i rarely go to work. i make sure i have worked enough to pay the rent, then i go to my room, shut the door, and get into bed. it's been that way for a few months now.
this is going from being a totally sociable, loved person.
anyway, the thing that i can relate to in your story is the 'yelling at your children bit'.

im only 21, so i must admit, i dont have children yet(not sure if ill even be able to with my meds). but all the closest people to me are constantly copping my negative, bad moods.
my little brother has moved in with me to help me out with rent, and i have been yelling at him for coughing too loudly lately.
i yelled at him last night for not cleaning my expensive frypan to my standards.
what's wrong with me!!

oh and my boyfriend. he's in iraq, fighting a war and every opportunity i get to speak to him, i find something to yell at him about.
as a result, we're always fighting, so he makes the distance between our talks even further and further.

have you found a way to stop taking it out on your loved ones?
id love some advice

 
Old 05-27-2008, 01:05 PM   #6
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Re: I'm new

Hey twisted and Trinette!
Twisted I know My meds are getting my butt out of bed and I'm doing things, but Im still kind of irritable, don't get me wrong I think its getting better, and it does take 8 wks and it feels like forever but all we can do is keep crossing our fingers that it will get better. Hang in there

Trinette, Yes this site helps a lot because people just just get it unless they have it, my husband for example has been great but sometimes he doesn't get it he'll say stuff like aren't the meds supposed to work by now and I try to remain calm but that comment ticks me off like no other, but I just try to stay calm and remind him it could take up to 8 wks and also that this med may not be the one so he needs to have patience and sometimes when I do get upset whether it be hubby or the kids or anyone else I walk away or get away from the situation, but before my meds I couldn't walk away, I always wanted the last word or would just be ****** off like I couldn't even control it and when you can't control it, it kind of makes you feel worse like what the heck is wrong with me, but it gets better, it just takes trial and error. I can so relate on the coughing, I don't know what it is but anything thats loud and abrupt like coughing gets on my nerves and its sad because its not like they can really control it, I usually yell at my husband for the dumbest things like your laughing to loud stop! Noise is a big thing for me, and it seems the same for you I am also OCD and if there is so much as a water spot on the kitchen counter it makes me really anxious.

So as far as not taking it out on my loved ones I usually go outside and write in my journal or if it's at night I walk out of the room no matter how upset I am and take a bath or go to my room and write in my journal or I sketch designs since thats what I am into,(doing something you are into helps=)) I know it's hard to walk away but I find that usually when I am snapping at everyone its because I either need a break alone in my bedroom or some sleep, For ex. I tell my kids ok mommy needs a time out of I tell my husband or in your case whoever I need some time alone...another thing is if I am really aggravated with sounds for example and need to tune them out I listen to my ipod=) and that works great...I hope I helped, it will get better, it has to, I believe that once we accept the illness and go through treatment even though it takes time, that we will all be ok.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 07:27 PM   #7
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trinette86 HB User
Re: I'm new

thanx for replying. it's not overally new to me, having bipolar. ive been diagnosed and medicated for 2 years now(i think). ive religiously stuck to my meds. occasionally i take an antipsychotic like seroquel or olanzapine for mixed moods or sleep. i am at breaking point right now. my psychiatrist's only solution is to try an antidepressant. i have been avoiding taking antidepressants for two years now because im scared of becoming reliant on them and also, with all the other meds i take, the cost is becoming ridiculous. not that anyone can put a price on health, it's just another expence i have to explain to my boyfriend. he's quite simple minded, or ignorant, he doesnt understand why i need to buy meds to help with my sleep. he says i should just sleep without them.
about being alone, taking time out for myself....that's all ive done for the past 6 months. my boyfriend's been away in the middle east with the army and i have chosen to have little or no contact with anyone.
i dont think it's helping with my very low mood. i think possibly the reason i have significantly dropped in mood over the last week, is because he comes home next week and im anxious.
all i ever wanted since i was a little girl was to get married, and have children and be happy.
i doubt that happening more everyday. i dont think i will find someone who will put up with my ridiculous mood swings. i also dont think it's fair to ask someone to.
i called my psych earlier. im going to try these antidepressants as a last chance for my relationship and happiness.
thanx again for replying. sorry to bother you with my issues. i understand that you probably experience the same issues i do, and i also know how much it can burst your bubble when someone else is down and you're not.
good luck with everything x

 
Old 05-27-2008, 08:16 PM   #8
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twisted71 HB User
Re: I'm new

Trinette. Welcome to the board. Yes you will get through the depression. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will. We are all here for each other. This board has really helped me alot.

Scorpio, I can so relate to not being able to walk away and having to have the last word. I would walk away but then come back and that would go on for a while. I am able to walk away and stay away now. I would also 'lecture' my kids for an hour or more at a time while screaming at them. Now I can say what I need to say and leave it at that. If I am really irritated and agtitated, I will tell my kids they are getting on my nerves and I will go sit and watch tv in the den or I will go clean something. So the meds are doing something, but my moods are still all over the place. yesterday I was really depressed and dh said "did you take your pills today?" I said, "yes but they aren't doing anything yet." So I know what you mean. I wish there was a quick fix and I am trying my best to be patient. I am just so tired of this roller coaster.
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Last edited by twisted71; 05-27-2008 at 08:23 PM.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 10:04 PM   #9
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trinette86 HB User
Re: I'm new

i know ill get through it. i only told my psych last week that i didnt want to go on antidepressants, because i know from previous experiences that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. and i know everytime i wake up and depression is magically gone, i think, 'that wasnt as bad as i was expressing'.
im just really messed up right now. im thinking if he breaks up with me when he gets home, im going straight to hospital rather than 'home' because i dont know how i'd cope with the way im feeling right now.
i feel like a hypocrite. i was asked, just after i was diagnosed to be an ambassador for adolescent mental health. i had a dvd made about my story and i am paid to go to high schools and talk to the older kids about mental illness's and how there is a 'life' out there for 'us' and it's absolutely manageable. but now, im thinking the opposite. im thinking, 'there is no life for me, i dont deserve happiness because of the way i treat people'......
anyway, thankyou for the reassurance.

 
Old 05-29-2008, 05:02 PM   #10
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ScorpioGrl21 HB User
Re: I'm new

Hey ladies sorry it took a while to reply, I have been feeling crappy these past few days...so tired! Twisted just want to say I know how you feel about the rollercoaster, I can walk away now which is huge (that is huge for us=)) my psychologist has even said wow you have come a long way, but as far as this just kinda there feeling...blah...hopefully it will pass,

I hate it because today I went out with my mom she wanted to sign my kids up for all these activities and I said mom I really can't do all that and she was getting all bent out of shape like why??? you know they need to get out more blah blah blah and it's like yeah I know Im trying but going from no activities to too busy

deleted: inappropriate

will stress me out I am afraid to commit to any activity these days because I can't say if I will be ok and be able to do it, I never know my moods,


it sucks and people think you can just make yourself go and get on with life and function despite how you feel but that is not true! So it's been 1 wk and a few days so I have a few more weeks to see if this works, how about you? Im sorry about what your husband said I hate that question=(, hang in there, I think it's just hard for them to understand and I guess they get frustrated too, but I tell my husband take a walk in my shoes trying every other med and getting your hopes up then dealing with the side effects then finding out finally it doesn't work and then repeating....That sucks.

Trinette, I have been on a few antidepressants and I know the fear of getting addicted to antidepressants, the thing is they really do help take the edge off sometimes, I think we all fight this battle of putting on that mask to make it all seem like it's ok but really we are dying inside, Im sorry things are so rough right now=(, What meds are you taking if you don't mind me asking?? About your boyfriend, it must be really hard having him away, I know that when my husband and I were apart for just 3 months that was hard and we kinda would fight a lot when I was away and it kinda continued when I was back, separation for long periods of time are so hard on couples, I hope it gets better soon.

this is not true: "i dont deserve happiness because of the way i treat people".....


You are doing the best you can look at what you are doing? Being an abassador is a huge thing that in itself really does help a lot of people, a lot of people remain silent about this disorder because they feel it is stigmatized, but what you are doing is just awesome, you are showing people it is ok and probably helping people get help. You take meds and you see your doctor. that is a lot for someone with our disorder, so don't cut yourself because you do deserve happiness=)

 
Old 05-29-2008, 09:08 PM   #11
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Re: I'm new

hey scorpio sorry to hear about your rough trot the last week.
my mood has dropped more each day for about a week now.
my psych finally returned my calls today and im going to see her this afternoon to get these antidepressants.
im on Epilum(aka sodium valporate). i started on 2 x 500mg tablets initially(2years ago) and it's only since january i've increased them to 4 x 500mg tabs.
the things i take to sleep are as follows(not all at the same time):
temazapan, mogadon, valium, seroquel.
im pretty sure im addicted to valium. i tried to not take it last week and i had 2 concecutive nights of no sleep, which as you know provokes mania, and the delerium made me feel really unwell. that's a whole nother issue. god knows how im going to get off that now im aware.
i was put on olanzapine(zyprexa) earlier this year as i was suffering mixed episodes.
it automatically stopped the mixed episodes and it was only a short term medication.
it made me put on a good 15kgs though in those short few months!(why cant they make the meds decrease our weight!)
well i spoke to my bf last night and although he didnt say anything else about my moods etc, he did say 'maybe u should consider trying new medication'
it makes me think he does actually listen to my problems, he just doesnt respond, which pisses me off to the max!
he said noone has ever made him as mad as i make him.
i can appreciate that.
when i get in an argumentative mood, i dont back down and can say pretty nasty stuff to get my point across.
anyway, i cant remember the name of this antidepressant. it starts with 'L'
i was put on one during my first depression and i elevated to hypermania in two days, so they immediately stopped it.
so apparently this is the only other one i can possibly try.
im hoping it gets me through this rough time.
thankyou very much for all your advice. it means so much to me to hear constructive critisism from someone who actually has bipolar.
trinette x
i hope everything gets better with u soon

 
Old 05-29-2008, 11:49 PM   #12
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Re: I'm new

i just got back from my psych. the antidepressant is Citalopram(Talam). it's 20mg daily.
I dont know where i got the 'L' from. i guess the lopram bit when my psych was explaining it to me.
she also gave me 100mg tablets of seroquel(again) to take at night. she's told me to start off by taking 50mgs and then if i dont drop off to sleep, to increase it to 100mgs.
im sure it will help with my sleep initially, but seroquel is one of those medications i adapt to quickly.
at one stage(late last year) i climbed from 50mgs to 1200mgs just to get to sleep.
that's why i stopped it.
grrrr it's such a hassle!!
oh well here's hoping i miraculously spark up from these meds.
thanks again

 
Old 05-31-2008, 08:10 AM   #13
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Re: I'm new

Quote:
Originally Posted by trinette86 View Post
i know ill get through it. i only told my psych last week that i didnt want to go on antidepressants, because i know from previous experiences that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. and i know everytime i wake up and depression is magically gone, i think, 'that wasnt as bad as i was expressing'.
You are exactly right...you wake up and poof...it's over...true manic/depressive episode. I guess I am a bit like you. I knew the antidepressants would not work for me. I had tried them in the past and they didn't do a thing. I remember once when the pdoc asked me how I was feeling and I said depressed...my antidepressant is making me depressed...it isn't doing anything.

I'm not sure anything worked for me except peace and quiet..just being in a restful place doing something that gave me peace and stability. For me it is watching funny movies, gardening and going for a hike in the woods. Music helps too.

I haven't had one of those really bad times in about 15 years, thank goodness. I am on Lamictal and it is perfect for me. I was on valproic acid for a long time. It worked but I had all the side effects that you could have from it.
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Old 05-31-2008, 07:11 PM   #14
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Re: I'm new

well this is the third pill ive taken now(antidepressant) and my mood's definately increased.
i mean, not dramatically, but yesterday, i finally dragged my sorry but out of bed and i ended up spending the whole day gardening and cleaning the oven(i scrubbed that oven back to new again lol)
it's weird. i guess it's weirder for people around me who get the cold shoulder for so long, then suddenly im 'normal me' again.
im just going to stay on the antidepressants until i know im in 'safe zone' again. that's usually in the warmer seasons, like spring and summer. and it's just hit winter in oz, so im going to have to swallow my pride and take them for a little bit longer.
well since i was diagnosed, ive only skipped a year without experiencing some kind of depression.
the 1st 'attack' was the worst. the 2nd was just manageable(i just worked and came home and slept). but this one is different. it's been progressing since january and i was just waiting for that sudden 'boom, it's gone'. but i think giving it a 6month chance to go away on it's own was sufficient, so i thought id try the a/depressants.
anyway, thanx heaps

 
Old 05-31-2008, 09:12 PM   #15
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Re: I'm new

Hi,

I hope they click in for you.
I just wanted to respond to your fear of being addicted to antid's and the benzodiazepam. There's a big difference between being dependent on meds (most of us here, are, I guess), and being addicted. Valium withdrawal is possible, slowly done, as is discontinuation of the antid's.

The way I look at it is: I don't care if I need to take the meds for the rest of my life. Because the meds are making the rest of my life possible.

Take what you need to function and feel good, don't worry about the addiction factor.

Best,

Seaturtle

 
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