It has been a few weeks that I have been starting an email to my mother in law then deleting it, I have done it probably 6 times. I want to tell her I have bipolar disorder, My husband is French we are supposed to move back to France in August ,(I don't know if I can do this=/, I am actually terrified now of moving to a place where I have absolutely no support, all my friends here know, my family knows, I have great doctors and the best psychologist...How can I do this?!)
My mother inlaw works in the medical field and I want to make sure my meds are covered and see if she knew how the health care for psychiatric illness works, my husband keeps telling me it will be ok, but sometimes I feel really hopeless and scared, 11 months ago I was the one that decided we would move there, but now Im not sure, DH thinks Im letting my illness determine my life, that pisses me off, but I am not I just have such a hard time trusting people mainly doctors My current pdoc is my 5th doctor because I didn't like my other ones, the other ones treated me like I was a lab rat and this pdoc I have right now is the best I have ever had, he is compassionate and doesn't try to prescribe me every med under the sun and respect my wishes as far as not wanting to gain weight or feeling like a zombie.
My husband says well I was the one that pushed you to get help?! are you afraid I won't take care of you?! and I said no it's not that, it's just it had taken my 8 yrs to finally do something and got to a point where I had written a will and had a real plan, I could have ended it all, and he says well you didn't but the thoughts of how hopeless I felt are still pretty fresh and I am healing from it all and am STILL accepting this illness (why is it so hard to accept?) Im in the very beginning stages I feel like right now is not the time to be hopping on a plane and taking off to France for good, I am scared I will downward spiral and maybe it will be the final straw in France, I am doing better but Im not all the way there yet and I am stabilizing but when something as big as that like moving happens it may trigger something I guess,
My parents are scared they don't think it would be a smart move but I feel like I owe it to my children and husband to give it a chance (the children really want to go), but I need support, I feel my mother in law needs to know but DH makes it sound like its a bad choice? are you ashamed of me, you knew I had it when we got married, it was the first thing I said to you, and he was like well yeah,but I made the choice to marry you and your parents can accept it because they made you but its unfair to my parents, I get such mixed signals, like its ok, but when he basically tells me he is not sure I should tell his parents just makes me feel like an outcast, I don't think he realizes it but I just feel like the odd guy out,
In the past his parents have said stuff like well you're just different and blame my differences on being uneducated (whatever that means) basically they always seem to kind of criticize me and it breaks me down, and I feel like maybe if I told my mother inlaw who would in turn tell my father inlaw who does most of the criticizing that I am bipolar that maybe it would either make sense to them or they will react badly who knows but at least I will know where I stand before I throw everything that I have here away (because eventually they will find out, especially since we are living with them until we get on our feet.
What should I do I feel trapped and whenever I voice my concern and say Im just not sure I can leave my home and my parents my husband gets all bent out of shape and says we can stay here but he will be very ****** off at me.....It sucks because I am not even really sure what I want, I love France because its new and fresh for me and an adventure...Great food!!!! but when my logic kicks in Im feeling like I need to be here where my parents are and my doctors are (the ones I trust, I feel LUCKY that I found them).
Sorry about the novel, Thank you for reading
Last edited by moderator2; 05-28-2008 at 05:17 PM.
Reason: use appropriate language on this website
Just my best sense here, but a very complicated situation.
"when my logic kicks in Im feeling like I need to be here where my parents are and my doctors are"
It is important to listen to what you are telling yourself. Don't push yourself into a situation that you believe is doomed to be detrimental to your health.
As far as the e-mail, he knows or at least suspects how his parents will react. Not everyone is receptive to mental illness and of course some will treat you differently with the knowledge that you have it. Once again, if his parents aren't willing to support you that is not a good sign.
Do you speak French? Are you comfortable with the culture? Do you know anyone else there? Why do your children want to go there and will they actually enjoy the completely different culture? The worst thing you can do with this disease is enter an isolating situation for yourself, the excitement of "being in France" will wear off with time and reality will set in, if you don't have some kind of support system, job waiting or comfortability there the results could be disastrous. Also, just as an aside, my personal experience in France was met with volatile reactions to me for the simple reason that I was an American.
As for, "letting my illness determine my life." It is hard to explain to people, while we are not the illness, the illness is a part of us that does just go away. We have to plan our lives accordingly. You have to do what is best for your health and mental well being, especially if you have just suffered a serious episode. If the result of this is your husband being angry with you, then he needs to get a clue as to the seriousness of your mental health.
This really is a tough situation for anyone to be in, bp or not.
Northstar, Thank you for the reply, I feel his Dad especially will think I am saying it for attention or something lame. I know it's not a good sign if his parents are not willing to support me thats kind of why I want to write the email to see how they will react, I feel that they already don't like me much cuz Im American 9I dunno DH begs to differ), I could be wrong but no matter what I kinda sense that from all the French people I dunno, his mom has always been very nice to me, she is great actually, but my Father in law says he adores me and really loves me but I sense something else, he's kind of hot and cold, he's hot and cold with everyone (even DH) DH doesn't have the best relationship with his father, one day he likes you one day he doesn't it sucks, and My sister inlaw I don't know she's hot and cold too, I find a lot of the French are hot and cold.
To answer you questions Yes I speak French not perfectly but pretty well, thats what DH says I think I have lost most of my French since I have been home=(. Am I comfortable with the culture?, from what I have seen yes but I don't think we truly experience the culture until we live there, and the thing is as far as isolating myself, sometimes I already do that even when I am on vacation over there, I feel out of place sometimes and thats only because I am American and the difference between his family and me is I am very very open minded, I say how I feel when I want and voice my opinion, and Im not really sure if they like that, the French are more private, they are private on their lives and private about their feeling very private on their feelings, I am not....I am afraid I could have a nervous breakdown in France if I don't have at least a Doctor and a psychologist, I need those two things at least But I want to tell his mom so maybe she can help me find those things, but like you said They may react badly and then in turn if they do, obviously the best option would be not to go, and I know DH will hate me for a while but my sanity is more important. Oh yes the Question about my kids, they want to be with my nephew in Niece in France and be with mamie and papie, plus they are involved in a lot of activities when we go there versus here so I think thats why they want to go.
Sometimes I get some ugly French people being jerks just because I am American, I had some guy call me stupid to my face and make fun of me I just kind of gave him a look and walked off , so I hear you on that, It's rather disturbing huh?=(.
I think you say it best about "we are not the illness, the illness is a part of us that does just go away" People don't understand that, do they think we have the power to control it??? I know my Father in law does, and I can not convince him in any other way, I guess what disturbs me the most is both of them work in the medical field get the only illness that they see as being ill is a physical illness but mental illness???? as my father in law says "it's all in my head" I hate that expression more than anything. It's going to take me a lot of time to figure out what I want and I still am not sure how to start a letter to me mother in law or if I should just forget it.