Hey there,
I know how you feel. I haven't been here lately because I thought I was doing ok, and I was busy and didn't need the support anymore. We will always need to support each other, and lift each other up when we're feeling beat by this disease. For me, it's very much cyclical. I go through periods where I think everything is ok, and being bipolar isn't going to control my life anymore....but it can't last.
Just like you said, it seems like the harder you try to be 'normal' and act happy and in control when we're really not, the effort of acting becomes too much, and then inevitably we break-down. I completely understand the feelings of guilt too, you know that you're affecting your family, and hurting them when you're sick, but there it is, it's the hand you were dealt, and you have to make the best of it.
My situation is somewhat different from yours, but I can still relate...in my case I AM the Mom. My kids are 15 and 9, and my husband is a really great guy, but I know it hurts him and my kids when I 'lose it'. I'm a hundred times better than I used to be, but I'm still far from perfect, and I wish I could be composed at all times, and never anxious, or depressed, or irritable, but that's not realistic. Acceptance is such a hard thing also, partly because of the stigma associated with this disease.
Just try to remember that it's not your fault, and you're not alone. And do your best to be healthy and stable, and know that you will make mistakes, your family will still love you, and guilt is a wasted emotion, so try not to feed it. Tell yourself it's ok, and you are a good person, things will get better, they always do!
take care,
~~ lily ~~
