I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
It's happeing again - the DOOWWWNNNN!!!!! I can't escape it. No matter where I turn there is only blackness. No matter whom I talk to I can't hear their words. No matter where I search I cannot find anything except void.
I'm BP2. Hospitalised 2005 for depressive breakdown, been on mood stabs and anti-dep ever since. Recently, with the advice of a locum psych as mine is ill, my anti-dep was reduced. BOOM! I;ve fallen after 4 weeks and I can't pick myself up again.
Alot has happened to me in the last 10mnths. Left my partner of 11 years, left my home, met someone else, got engaged and am arranging a marriage, faced up to tens of thousands of debt. BUT, this was all ok, better than ever, definietly the right thing for me, until this drop in my meds... this prescribed 'by a professional' drop in my meds.
I'd been doing so well. Had gone through one drop in the anti-dep since 2004 ok... 45mg to 30mg mirtazapine. I'd been stable on this for about 1.5year so thought it time to try to drop again to 15mg - oh dear!
The world is so black. I want to kill myself everyday. At the same time I have my fiance looking at me trying to work out what he has done wrong - he doesn't understand that sometimes, most times, there doesn't need to be a reason. I will probably lose him through my low. I cannot fight anymore. I want to go IP but am frightnened that becuase it would be my third time since 2004 that I will lose my job. They have been so understanding through it all but I can't show that I will always be like this. I need the job for the debt. Thats the other thing - I've always managed to hold down a professional job throughout all this, even after 8 months off for my breakdwon i went straight back to the same job - the stress of having to go everyday is building - eating me from within.
I'm finding it hard to keep my 'happy face' on at the moment. I've also suffered with anorexia before (what my second IP hospitalisation was for). It's coming back too - any food is making me feel so ill so my portions are getting smaller.
It's all coming tumbling back, faster faster faster.
My own psych has been ill off work for the last year. So you see all of what I mentioned before has happened to me whilst I've had no support. I only went to an NHS psych as my doctor told me I had to as she wouldn't reduce my meds herself. My own psych is back again, and seeeing me on 7th July - but it's so far away, too far away. I have his mobile number and home email as I have a very good relationship with him (been seeing him every two weeks since Nov 2004) but I don't feel it right to contact him before he actually returns - feel quite rude to do so actually. I can't wait until 7th - and even then it will be more of a 'what's happened' rather than 'how are you today' session.
When everyday is too long, how can I wait until the 7th?
Re: I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
Hi,
I know how you are feeling, I believe. Today is the 6th, tomorrow hte 7th, so you're almost there now.
Pick up that anti-depressant again, fast. ONce you're back on it, maybe you can work things out in your relationship. Does he know that you are ill in this way? CAn he understand and be patient and compassionate?
Having no support, and having anorexia - both of those are all too familiar to me. I have fallen into despair recently, too, just eerything black, too, no hope.
Congratulations for holding down a job. That's something I haven't been able to do.
The hospitalization: if you feel you need it, you should go in. Would the people at your job give you a leave once again? It sounds as though they must value you highly.
Well, I won't go on any more. I know that when it's all black, no words make a difference.
I'll just send you a hug, best I can do, and hope your appointment goes well.
Re: I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
Hi guys,
Thank-you for your replies, and your hugs.
I've got it wrong - my appt with the psychiatrist is the 7th August, not 7th July. I wasn't even aware it was near the 7th July - time has no meaning at the moment - my head wreaks with confusion.
My fiance knows the 'lot' about me and my head. I was honest with him, in full, the second time I ever chatted with him. I thought that it was only fair to let him make an informed decision about wheter he wanted to stay with me and my head, or not. He chose to stay. He's been fantastic - but right now I need my psych. A year without professional support due to the illness of my psychiatrist is telling on me. I need help.
Re: I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
How did your appointment go today nutshell?
And also, seaturtle had a good point that they must value you highly at your job and it does sound like they will hold it for you again. That's something to smile about! Hang in there hun!
Re: I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
Hi Nut (which you aren't, BTW),
If you haven't gone back up on your antidepressant, do so immediately. Call the doctor's office, let them know that you have increased your med, and ask for an ASAP appointment. Tell them you can't wait until the 7th.
If you are really desperate , go ahead and call your own doc. What can it hurt at this point? He gave you his personal contact information for a reason. If that doesn't work and you don't think you can control your impulses, go to the hospital!
Last edited by Administrator; 07-08-2008 at 12:34 PM.
Reason: deleted disallowed subject
Re: I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
Hey nutter I hope things are a little bit better. I know where your at, my psychologist is currently on medleave, luckily I had my psychiatrist to fall back on. If I were you I would call your psych immediatly and tell him that you are in severe crisis and feel suicidal, I can't imagine that he'd be botherd at all, after all he gave you the number for a reason. I'm also BP Suicidal Depressant so I probably know a little how you feel, and you are not alone stay here talking to us it will help. If you trust your fiance then reach out to him, you don't have tell him everything about how you feel, just let him hold you so feel safe for a while. But first of all call your doc, I'm sure he'll see you sooner if you let him know how you're suffering.
Re: I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
Nut, I havent been around for a while but when I read your post I wanted to reply. I am so sorry your feeling the way you are. I remember when you first made the decision to leave your mate. I know you went through so much turmol and to still be feeling this way is hell on you. I wish I had more than words to offer because I know I can't change anything but I sincerely hope life gets better for you and I am glad your fiance is supportive that means a lot to you I am sure. My heartfelt feelings go out to you and many hugs.
Marsh
Re: I tripped and now I'm free-falling...beyond the depths of despair I fall
Hi Nutter
I haven't been around in quite a while as well. I am so sorry to hear about how you are doing currently. I hate to be negative about the NHS considering I LOVE how cheap medication is, but the quality of many of their doctors in regards to bipolar disorder really bothers me. I feel it's very hard to be taken seriously by the NHS when a problem occurs - especially in comparison to the US. One time when I was in a horrible place I tried to call the psychiatrist for another visit (I was only met with once and told my second appointment would be six months later). I was asked (by a secretary) if I had tried to kill myself or if I would. I didn't want to be committed and answered in the negative. The pdoc never called me back and I received a letter in the mail two months later telling me to 'wait it out'.
Do you like your GP? I feel like my GP is much more empathetic than the pdocs I encountered (and she isn't even that great!) Maybe you could ask for a temporary increase until you have your August appointment?
Please keep us updated. I'm glad you have found someone that is very understanding. I've recently become engaged as well and informed my fiance I think the third date. He read one of my books on bipolar disorder ... has researched it and (thinks he) knows what he's getting into. But I know what you mean about your fiance thinking your change in mood may have something to do with an environmental factor when in fact the only thing it has to do with is the chemical make-up in your brain. Despite my fiance being very informed, he too will often will think that he's done something wrong when I'm not doing well. Even after I explain it has nothing to do with him or us, I think he still has his doubts.
When will you be getting married?
I had to leave the UK towards the end of June and won't be able to return until December/January. The weather change has been a shock - currently in a city where it's 106F (we just had 13 consecutive days of weather at 110F or above). Luckily my GP prescribed me four months of my seroquel and lamictal. Without that I would be paying around $600 a month JUST for the lamictal :
That's something to smile about! Hang in there hun!
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