I am not diagnosed with bipolar but I feel as though I might have it. My boyfriend thinks I suffer from an anxiety disorder. We talked the other day about it. I brought it up to him because I officially feel like I am a little out of control. I feel like I am sitting in this little sound proof booth and that nothing I say is registering. Some days I am happy. Some days I am sad. This can be a matter of days or week in a row. I can't tell if I have progressively gotten worse or better. My happy days I feel like I am not showing my age very well. I get happy and I do things like "oh hey so and so, you dropped your pocket" at work. I mean it is funny, and people think it is funny but I watch myself do it and a little bit of me dies inside at how dumb I am acting. On the opposite scale I went out for a shake with an old friend the other day and it was horrible. I just wanted the night to end. I would start a story and forget the end so I would just be like "so yeah...." and I was tired and totally unenthusiastic about anything. He was very outgoing and social so he held the conversation and I just kind of stomped on it. I knew inside how I normally am or that I had stuff to talk about or I knew the right way to act but it didn't matter.
I worry about everything. I don't sleep because of it. I am hurting my relationship because not only do I worry about everything and over think everything and analyze everything, I also doubt myself. Here I am with honestly the best boyfriend I have ever had, who is crazy for me, and I think about calling it off because of me. I know my logic is wrong but then like my body decides it is logical for me. I dunno.
He told me I have to go talk to someone because we both agree I am miserable. Going to someone creates its own problems locationally and monetarily. I also don't think I can handle doing it alone which presents another problem. My parents are not good candidates to be "in" on this at the start. Its hard to explain but it is kind of like, I am an adult so they respect that but they think it is dumb. My boyfriends mother has had anxiety issues and he told me I could talk to her if I wanted but she lives in another state so it would be over the phone or internet.
I can make up all the excuses in the world for not going but it boils down to I am too afraid to. I don't want to take medication and I also can't afford it. I am afraid if I go they will suggest it and if they don't I don't know how much help it will be, even though I know it could make a big difference.
Maybe I just have an anxiety problem. I don't know but I guess I was kind of hoping someone could offer some support of advice to me about why I should or shouldn't see someone. What the process was like for them.... Something in general to ease my mind about all of this. My boyfriend is mad that I would choose to be miserable over seeking help because after the talk I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do yet. When I started crying he told me he just wanted me to be happy but he was there to support me no matter what. I kind of wish there was something I could do or try to see if it helped before I put myself through it all. That sounds dumb but going through the process of getting help is going to take a lot out of me emotionally and I don't know if I want to do that right now.
Any advice or comments would be appreciated. I read the stickies but I dunno.. I hope this fits here.
Thankyou for listening.