I don't know what to think anymore.
I've made a post in the depression board before, but I've been experiencing very bad mood swings lately, and I always have, and I never thought of bipolar disorder before. I'm in no ways self diagnosing myself, heavens no, I just wanted to post and see what people said or if they related..
So first of all. I'm a little young. Not too young, but a little young. So I was wondering if maybe it could be hormone related and really I'm just being silly and it's normal mood swings? They don't seem to be normal mood swings, and my hormones are wack anyway because I don't really get my period. Or maybe that's because of my weight. Geez I wish I had a *helpful* doctor..
Okay, onto my moods.
I have terrible mood swings.
I will go from telling someone a stupid story that really isn't funny, and I'll laugh my head off, which I call a laughing attack, haha, and then in seconds, or hours sometimes, I can switch and snap into either being EXTREMELY irritable, or incredibly depressed. I think depression is my worst struggle.
But lately I've just found that my mood swings are exhausting. Like.. I will be happily enjoying a song, and then that song will end, and I will burst into tears and cry for about 20 minutes straight.
Or it's bad at work, because I will be fine, and then next minute I am racing to get away from everyone there and sometimes I will go cry or sometimes I will just hide away and I have the worst moods and very suicidal thoughts. It's horrible to be thinking that way at work; I work with children too! I feel so awful sometimes because I get irritated at them with my mood swings. Nothing explosive at all, because I can control it better, especially with kids, but..
I also get irritated or like.. offended easily by people. They do one little thing that *seems* like it could be against me, like.. say.. my boyfriend texting this one girl all the time, and I will just freak right out and HATE him. I feel like people are out to hurt me sometimes. But yea, reccently I got so mad at him this was my thought process:
I'm not going to talk to him for weeks. He'll just forget about me and it'll be better that way. I don't need ANYBODY. I hate everyone. He doesn't love me anyway.
And I went and unhooked my computer and just wouldn't talk to him for a couple days, but then I gave in because I missed him too much.
Basically it's annoying to be fine (content, I suppose) and then go to irritable, and then go to very very depressed.
I also have very weird anxiety. I will have times where one week is more dominated by anixety rather than depression, plus those mood swings, and then other weeks will be more depression than anxiety, plus those mood swings.
It's bad with schooling as well, I find I am more 'explosive' to people there. But I can't tell if what I'm experiencing is normal or bad or something. I mean I don't know what it will take for me to realize that spending 1/3 of your day crying is UNHEALTHY. But I just can't seem to go get help.
I've had history with self injury.. I don't anymore but I get tempted sometimes. I also have bad history with poor eating habits and self image. I am pretty much underweight and always have been and right now I am only eating about 600-800 calories a day, which sometimes I feel isn't even low enough.
>_< I guess I put up with a lot of weird moods and feelings and thoughts. I am always racing, my mind never stops. I HATE the racing. It makes me feel like I'm dying sometimes, because I get chest pains and head aches and dissociative experiences, etc.
I just don't know what to do.
I'm only posting because I'm concerned about my boyfriend.
Last night he told me that he's been upset lately and questioning things.
He said that my pain is his pain, and he's been dealing with how I feel for so long that it's getting bad for him, and he just wants me to get better, but he says he can't help and he's just getting tired of it.
And I always told him he didn't deserve what I put him through, and he's told me no one else would ever put up with me the way he does, and apparently he was talking to someone close at work about me and the person asked,
"How do you stay with someone like that? You're a good man..."
And do you know how that makes me feel? AWFUL. Bloody awful. I cried so long about that. Not only does that make me feel guilty and horrible, but it makes me feel like I am alone and I will always be alone. He will leave and I will have absolutely no one. I've already scared away all my friends with my moods and he's all I have left. My family isn't supportive at all and they hardly know anything about my moods. I'm really scared about him leaving because I would want to get better, if not for me, for him (which bothers him because he wants me to get better myself) but I'm afraid I'd get terribly worse and cut again or even go into drinking which I'm slipped into a few times
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I didn't realize I was so awful before. I'm a terrible person.
I can't believe I have to go into work like this today.
I feel wretched...
Sigh.. Rant rant.. ;-;