Hi. I'm newly diagnosed as BPII -- apparently I've been taking ADD drugs and trying to manage that while my doctor finally took a thorough look at my history, etc and realized he isn't so worried about the ADD, but something MUCH deeper. My inability to control my emotions and my constant highs and lows, irritability and spending, etc. I'm trying to get a good, realistic feel on how to manage this because I am dead serious about letting this NOT rule my life anymore. I've lost jobs (because my moods, my "I'm better than this and didn't go to college to do this" attitude), friends (for turning them into my emotional punching bag), hurt loved ones... left a trail of destruction that only seems to grow the more I try to AVOID destroying anything else. I just lost the love of my life because I couldn't control my moods and he was constantly "walking on eggshells around me" and was sick of my "snapping at him for no reason" and giving him and everyone else "looks" when things upset me and engaging in weekly dramatic fights over seemingly small things. I couldn't control any of this... and he finally ended it, telling me he felt "abused." Like many of you on your journey to discover this perhaps you've been there? I'd like to think my heart is in a good place -- but seem to unintentionally destroy all the good things in my life.
While I've accepted this condition and will work towards managing it, part of me just "wants to be normal" and like "everyone else". It's like they see this great, fun out going person and fall in love and then realize what a roller coaster ride I am... and it ends. Whether it's a job or a relationship, I can see myself well -- it's the follow through that kills me.
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I understand. Last night I sat raging on my bed because I have to take so much medication, I'm gaining weight, it takes a toll on my family, and I think there is still a stigmatism linked to bp disorders. I think part of that stigma comes from not catching it soon enough and seeing what happens to people who come off their meds. We're still figuring out the right coctail for my meds. It's hard and I don't like the side effects.
Last week I spent $5000 in two days. My therapist caught it, my doctor thinks it's normal. They even work in the same clinic. Figure that one out.