I was in a depressive free fall about a month ago.
I finally got to see my amazing psychiatrist after a year (he was ill). He wanted to 'catch up' on the last year - reckons I hit a manic phase just after I seen him a year ago and made some life changing decisions.
He increased my carbamazapine to 800mg daily from 600mg to help with the mood swings but they're getting worse.... It used to be once a week roughly, but over the lasdt week it's been almost continual.
I am so tired I literally have to DRAG myself slowly out of bed after 12 hours sleep. I go to work like a zombie - work doesn't get done how it should anymore. I get in after a 7 hr day and am wrecked. I go to bed a few hours later only to wake up the following morning.
I'm completely exhausted, body feels like lead, am not interested in anything, feel deatcthed from the world and those close to me, don't feel I can give any sort of feeling outwards at the moment. Also, when I go down down very low, I am finding I am completely UNABLE to actually talk to anyone. I can hear them asking questions (especially my loved other half) but am not able to respond. I lie on the bed, not able to move - very calm in myself.
I hate this.
I thought my depression had gone....
Still on mirtazapine too.
I just want to chuck in the towel on this whole BP thing - I hate never knowing who I am going to be when I wake up - once stable, now not!!!!!! I hate it. And most importantly, I hate putting it on those close to me.
I wish I could help, but the best I can do is to say I know how that is, and try to have patience. I hope they can get you stable again. Depression is the worst.
Hang in there, know that it'll get better at some point.
I can get so that I can't speak, either, don't see anyone, talk to anyone. Although I find that when I force myself to speak just a little, it can help me get a bit more up. Also, setting tiny goals - things like getting dressed - can at least start some motion upwards.
Probably all I've said you already know. Just wanted you to know I care,
Today isn't as depressed, but I feel very 'out of body'. It's as though I am completely emotionally numb (either way). I feel transient in my body - as if I'm in it, but it isn't me - rather it is a vehicle from which I operate and function.
My fiance wanted to be 'close' last night but for the first time with him I just couldn't. I was completely numb to him - either way.
I hate this feeling - it makes me just not care, and i really don't care.
From a mans point of view with the disease its exactly how you explain it. You feel empty. People talk, but you can't hear them. Intimacy was real hard for me with my girlfriend because I just hated myself, for who I was, who I wasn't, and what I looked like. I felt inadequate and terrible and not deserving of her. Not to mention I just did not have the energy or the drive to physically pull it off.
I'm no doctor but I can tell you that a combination of a good antidepressant and a mood stabilizer has been the best thing for me. I have the energy back and my moods are good. I hope things get better for you, I was there not long ago and it hurts.