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Old 08-19-2008, 01:23 PM   #1
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I miss the old me :(

I'm relatively new to this whole mood disorder business. All I know is that w/o a stabilizer, I'm a mess. But this wasn't always so...

Years ago, prior to the birth of my 5th child at age 35, I was a perpetually happy person. I was always hopeful. I was sunny, so much so that my parents, husband, and friends called me by sunshine-oriented nicknames. I miss that feeling of happiness. The last time I felt it was after going off lithium in Jan 2006. I thought I could do it. My pdoc said OK. We really didn't know what was wrong with me then. It took a couple weeks, and then I woke up feeling wonderful, like it was spring and school would soon be out. Like it was December 23 and I was 8. Everything was A-OK. Nothing fazed me. No biggie. Ahhh, how I loved it. And I knew it. This was no new feeling. This was a stronger version of the usual me. And I was fully aware of that. And then, after 9 days, something happened that upset me, and depressed me, and the happiness melted away, never to be felt again. At least to even 1/4 of that level. I'm even forgetting it now. And that makes me so sad.

So what I'm thinking is, "Was I abnormally happy most of my adult life?" And this more logical, stable state is "normal?" DH (an engineer )says he's noticed that I've been much more logical, open to new ideas, not reactive to others, but rather pro-active. He says I'm more honest, sharper, almost smarter in a way.

But I still miss the dumb happy me. I would've stayed thay had I not begun to slip into cyclic depressions after my son was born.

 
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Old 08-20-2008, 04:21 AM   #2
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Re: I miss the old me :(

But......

who is to say that it is a more stable state which is 'normal'? For after all - what exactly is 'normal'? Does a 'normal' exist when we consider the breadth of society?

And who is to say that you old you was 'dumb'? What is dumb?

Maybe you are more aware of your mood state now and so therefore experience more changes in your own mood range....

You'll be your 'happy' once again - someday...

Nobody is 'normal' - imagine how boring that would be if the world majority was normal!

Nut.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 07:09 PM   #3
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Re: I miss the old me :(

Hello,

Me, too. We mourn our old selves. I am 61, and got hit by major psychiatric illnesses when I was l5. I still think back to the kid in high school who was "normal" and pretty happy, at least without the limitations and suffering mental illness. And I want to be her again.

It's hard. Don't give up hope that you'll find perhaps some meds that will restore your happiness.

A hug,

Seaturtle

 
Old 08-21-2008, 01:58 PM   #4
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Re: I miss the old me :(

Thank you both. Such kind wise words. I needed that. I am encouraged.

 
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