I'm relatively new to this whole mood disorder business. All I know is that w/o a stabilizer, I'm a mess. But this wasn't always so...
Years ago, prior to the birth of my 5th child at age 35, I was a perpetually happy person. I was always hopeful. I was sunny, so much so that my parents, husband, and friends called me by sunshine-oriented nicknames. I miss that feeling of happiness. The last time I felt it was after going off lithium in Jan 2006. I thought I could do it. My pdoc said OK. We really didn't know what was wrong with me then. It took a couple weeks, and then I woke up feeling wonderful, like it was spring and school would soon be out. Like it was December 23 and I was 8. Everything was A-OK. Nothing fazed me. No biggie. Ahhh, how I loved it. And I
knew it. This was no new feeling. This was a stronger version of the usual me. And I was fully aware of that. And then, after 9 days, something happened that upset me, and depressed me, and the happiness melted away, never to be felt again. At least to even 1/4 of that level. I'm even forgetting it now. And that makes me so sad.
So what I'm thinking is, "Was I abnormally happy most of my adult life?" And
this more logical, stable state is "normal?" DH (an engineer
)says he's noticed that I've been much more logical, open to new ideas, not reactive to others, but rather pro-active. He says I'm more honest, sharper, almost smarter in a way.
But I still miss the dumb happy me.
I would've stayed thay had I not begun to slip into cyclic depressions after my son was born.
