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Old 08-20-2008, 03:58 PM   #1
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tonsoffun1 HB User
Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

I have been struggling with this disease since my early twenties. I come from a long line of bipolar and manic family members. I always thought it wasn't going to happen to me. I was a hyperactive child and looking back I even battled with ups and down back then. I was medicated with Ritalin at the age of five until I was eleven. I started a long road of psychiatric pill remedies when I was twenty that went from anywhere from Lexapro, Klonopin, Wellbutrin, Depakote, Seroquel, Ativan, Prozac, to self medicating with opiates, just to feel better. Eventually leading to an all out battle with illegal drug addiction.

I tend to cycle with my highs being the summer months and being full of this unbelievable energy and then when fall hits I bottom out and almost turn into this hermit who cries at the drop of a hat. This past winter I was going to pack my car and go to New Jersey????? I don't even know why I was going to New Jersey, I seriously know nothing in New Jersey. That was scary. I should also mention I wasn't medicated at this point and hadn't been for roughly over two years. I was also very deep into the weed smoking anywhere from $100 - $200 a week of the stuff. I was really feeling bad. I finally pulled my girlfriend aside, who by the grace of god is still with me through all of my issues. She pretty much told me I have to go back to my Dr. and get back on my medicine and face the music.

I made the call, and he took me back, but I had to wait. I felt doomed, a whole month of feeling this way wasn't going to cut it. So I called my Family Doctor and told him my situation and he agreed to see me and write the prescriptions for the old medicine I use to be on until I got to see the Psychiatrist. I was prescribed Prozac for the depression and Topamax for the moods because I'm overweight and I gained a significant amount on the depakote in the past.

To make this long story shorter, I saw my Psychiatrist and he adjusted doses and things got better. I no longer use illegal drugs. That was nine months ago. I don't cringe when it's time for work. I don't sleep all day. I spend time with my children and my girlfriend. I started going to the gym and with taking topamax and dieting and the gym I went from 390 lbs- 330 lbs. Just recently I was prescribed Provigil to help with the side effects of sleepiness and the third shift work I do.

All in all as of right now I feel as though its under control, but I'm waiting for it to rear its ugly head around the corner.

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 03:35 AM   #2
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kym57 HB User
Re: Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

Hi, thanx for your resonse to my despair with acceptance. I went back and read what you wrote. My denial says wow I am not like that, but in reality I am exactly like that. I laughed at the almost move to New Jersey. I moved to England, at least though, it was for a man and it turned out that he was one of the best things that happened to me. That was just fluke though, it wasnt because of any insight on my part. One thing I find, with recovering addicts, alcoholics and now it seems bipolars, humor makes everything so much easier. I am glad you are feeling better, I am glad we met.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 08:29 PM   #3
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seaturtle HB User
Re: Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

Hi,

Wow, you've done a lot! Congratulations on getting away from the illegal drugs. They sure can wreak havoc for us.

Oh, the plans to move! I posted earlier about my plans to move to New York, England, I think, France, Scandinavia (probably California, the Carribean, and Alaska, too, lol).

Maybe it's good that I have no money and don't drive.

Part of it for me is that New York is my home, and will always be, in my heart and mind, and I did live abroad for a period. But I get totally nuts sometimes and make elaborate plans and then wonder what I was thinking of.

Take good care!

 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:26 AM   #4
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tonsoffun1 HB User
Smile Re: Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

Thank you guys for responding. Yeah moving wasn't the answer I was looking for. Seeing at the time I had like $400 and not a damn clue. I was really in a bad place at that time. Its weird looking back at the hard times when you get out of them for a while and realize how deep you really were and didn't realize it for a while. Almost scary to think how far you could let yourself go if it wasn't for good friends, family, and a working rational that pokes through from time to time. Happy to have met you guys I will be popping in as much as possible.
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Old 08-25-2008, 09:32 PM   #5
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totallyclueless HB User
Re: Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

I have aways battled with staying on the meds. It's like my head says DUH and my emotions say I'm better. I know there is no such thing.

I pulled almost the same stunt. I had a child and was hoping that I would magically be cured. Of course it didn't happen and I didn't want to believe it so I started taking lortabs to help me chill out. I almost committed suicide when I bottomed out and that is when I got help...again.

I have now been back on my meds for about 5 months and while things are getting better, they're not there yet. I know they will be.

I am proud of you for finally admitting you needed help. That is always the first step. You know that you have all of us that know what you're going through and someone is only a post away!!

 
Old 08-27-2008, 01:54 PM   #6
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tonsoffun1 HB User
Re: Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

I totally understand what you mean when you say you think you can control it on your own and can't handle it. For some reason us as bipolar people tend to wander off and think we can be super men and women and take on the world without medication. When in all reality it really is the glue that hold us together at times.

Thanks for the kind words, things are good these days. I'm always cautious and ready for despair to return. When it does I know now I have a few friends to contact that understand me more than anybody else I've ever known.

Tonsoffun1
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:26 AM   #7
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jollyjoe123 HB User
Thumbs up Re: Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

I take alot of meds for my bipolar disorder..When I open my pill case I think of skittles..I have gotten so fed up with meds and threw them away so many times..But a few days later I find myself needing them..It seems like we all fight the dream of not needing meds to keep us afloat..But with out them we would be depressed and raceing thru our own heads with bad thoughts..I feel my pills keep me trapped but with them I`m strapped to the ground..Just the way I like it too..I have a daughter and husband to think of every time I take my meds and that helps the meds go down easier...

 
Old 08-30-2008, 05:45 PM   #8
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tonsoffun1 HB User
Re: Despair, the kaleidoscope of pills and my story!

Yeah I can understand the Skittles analogy. Thats exactly what I mean by kaleidoscope of pills, which I'm sure you already know. Taking meds gets so redundant and annoying but I myself have 2 daughters and a long term girlfriend and I to take them because I do not want to turn into the beast that is me unmedicated.

Its almost like the Hulk transformation but flip-side if you can understand what I mean??? I hit this incredible high and can take on the world then it all comes crashing down in one large long wave of angst and depression. I decided that anyway to take those pills and make sure to NEVER run out is the way to go. If you somehow get your mind thinking for one minute that you don't need them the rest quickly follows and its a snowball effect the rest of the way down and its a long way down.

I understand about feeling "strapped" thats a good way of putting it and yes racing thoughts are a ***** to deal with they can get so loud and annoying when all you want to do is rest.

Thanks for the post Jolly Joe!

Tonsoffun1
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