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Old 09-11-2008, 07:39 AM   #1
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2kidsmom HB User
last night

I almost left again. I decided that i couldn't be happy living in my house anymore, and that I didnt love my husband anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce. He begged me to committ myself. But I just can't do that. I dont want to lose my job. It is the only thing that has added any stability to my life. Although, if I keep missing work, they are going to fire me anyway.

I wish I could understand what's going on with me. Why I am happy one minute and ready to end it the next. I dont know how much more I can take. I just want to sleep. Sleeping is the only time I feel normal anymore. I'm so tired. And so fed up with this whole mess. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it go away.

My husband talked me into staying. I didnt leave. I told him I was sorry, and that I DID love him, and didnt want to leave him. That is how I felt last night. I loved him. I still do. But not sure what I want to do. So restless. Feel like I should do *something*, but I am not sure what it is. Ok. Thanks for listening to me rant.
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Old 09-11-2008, 03:46 PM   #2
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: last night

Are you under the care of a Psychiatrist? If so have you called your doc to let them know about these intense feelings? Is your only fear of going to the hospital for some help that of losing your job? It seems like right now, there's alot more at stake for you. Could you take some medical leave from your job? Once again, maybe you should call your doctor and let them know what's going on.

Good luck and keep posting, sometimes just getting the "stuff" out helps, and we'll listen as much as you want us to.

 
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Old 09-11-2008, 11:02 PM   #3
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Re: last night

Hi,

I'm no professional, but to me, it sounds as though you're halfway into a mania.
You're on meds? Call your pdoc right away - and if you're not, get yourself into treatment.
That feeling of restlessness, of wanting to leave your husband then feeling you love him, needing to "do something" - these are the agitation of mania (IMHO).

Please do get treatment now. And please do keep posting here, too, to get the support and understanding you need.

I will be thinking of you and hoping you get help now.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 09:45 AM   #4
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Re: last night

Thanks for responding....things are a little better today. Still have the restless feelings..but mostly depressed. I have been on the lamictal for a week now. Maybe I'm just expecting too much too quick? I am so scared of what I am going to do next. But I DO NOT want to go into the hospital. Just being able to post my feelings really helps. I journal, but I dont journal about this, because I'm afraid someone will find it. Thanks for listening. This is a great board.
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Old 09-12-2008, 12:39 PM   #5
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Re: last night

Just so you know, you're not the only one. I think sometimes that it would be so much easier without having my husband and the kids to worry about. That maybe if I was alone I wouldn't have all this stress, I wouldn't lose it.

That's not true. For one thing, on meds or not, I still have mood swings and I still have irrational feelings. The way to deal with them is to recognize them for what they are. Secondly, if you did leave it all, just walk away and leave it would happen all over again. Eventually you would be attracted to someone, start to date, become committed and then doubt everything.

We are all cyclers...that's what we do. If you learn to recognize you are cycling you can find tools to help you deal until it is over. I journal and only when I have a crazy mood swing so sometimes every day, other times not for a month or so. It is a constructive way to get my feelings out without hurting my husband or my children all of whom I love dearly.....whether I know it or not.

 
Old 09-12-2008, 08:14 PM   #6
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Re: last night

It would probably still be a really good idea to contact your pdoc and let them know what's going on. You may just need a med adjustment, there's no saying that the only way they can help you is to put you in a hospital, that would actually be at the far end of the spectrum. Posting on these boards is a great thing, but it's not always the only thing you need to do to help yourself.

 
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