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Old 10-03-2008, 03:55 PM   #1
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lolanash HB User
my feelings tonight

hi everyone.

just felt like talking tonight so i thought i would come on here and ramble to anyone who might be interested in listening.

i had an appointment with my psychiatrist again today, who i've been seeing once every week or two. he stands firm that i should take valproic acid, and i have my prescription for it, but i have no money, so it is going to have to wait a little while.

i feel a bit 'off' today. it's strange, because just yesterday i felt great. my doctor says i am having a mixed state, which has been ongoing since the beginning of august. my god...where did the time go? two months and i've been in this rut? wow. it seems like just yesterday that it started. one minute i'm feeling symptoms of mania, the next minute, depression, and sometimes i feel everything at once, and wind up really confused.

so, i knew today was a bad day when i drove past a graveyard and immediately had a vision of myself nailed to the cross.

it didn't really distress me, or scare me. in fact, i didn't feel any emotion really. just confusion over why i would think such a thing.

i am questioning whether or not i've been having episodes of psychosis as well as my bipolar disorder, because of the strange intrusive thoughts i've been having, such as the one described above.

but what is really unique about my situation is that i am completely aware of what is going on, i have a lot of insight into my symptoms. i would think that if i was *really* out of touch with reality, that i just would not be aware of what was going on, but it's quite the opposite. i have a real keen sense into what i am feeling. i can describe it perfectly to my doctor, in crystal clear language that is very descriptive, vivid.

i am feeling very anti social, don't want to make small chat with people face to face, yet i feel very chatty online and want to record my thoughts, write in the forums, etc. but in real life, i would rather hide in a public bathroom stall all day, hiding from the world.

i feel like i should be hospitalized, i feel like i need someone to take care of me, make sure i eat, make sure i sleep, etc. but i can't, unfortuntely, because i have a lot of responsibilities at home with my children, my job, my schooling..and it would all fall apart if i wasn't here to stay on top of things. i feel like i am in control of everything in our life. my husband and i are both students..he isn't doing so well in his classes, and i feel like if i wasn't here to make sure that everything went smoothly, things would all fall apart. but the truth is, i am tired of taking care of everyone and everything. i feel like i can't take any more weight. i need someone to take care of me for a change.

i am really nervous around my house tonight. my children are in bed, my husband is at work, and i'm just feeling scared and nervous..don't know what of, the dark maybe? my attention span is zero. i just feel really strange..might go take a hot bath and see if that relaxes me some.

if anyone is out there tonight, feel free to say hello and maybe have a little chat here!

 
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Old 10-03-2008, 05:08 PM   #2
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cocos421 HB User
Re: my feelings tonight

You remind me of myself from time to time. I, too, have those thoughts like you mentioned when you passed the graveyard. But I don't dwell on them.

I sometimes think I should be back at the hospital. I was there once for 5 days. I liked it there. What sucked was coming home. Honestly, there's so much commotion going on sometimes for a person having an episode to handle. Too much expected of you. It's like, you're supposed to automatically be well. Back to cooking and cleaning and being a mom and a wife. Too much to handle at times. You said you were scared and nervous? I used to get like that when my husband worked nights. Sometimes I'd get really paranoid.

Thankfully, I've been pretty much stable the past year or so.
So, just thought I'd reply to ya. Hope you can relax some.

 
Old 10-03-2008, 05:13 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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patteecake HB User
Re: my feelings tonight

i've had bipolar since 18. i get scared to sometimes, just take it one day at a time. thats all you can do. your children need you and you have to try and be strong. keep goin to counseling and take any meds you are prescibed and just try to relax. I know things are rough. They will get better.

 
Old 10-03-2008, 08:36 PM   #4
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seaturtle HB User
Re: my feelings tonight

Hi,

Is there any way at all you can get the money for the meds? It sounds as though you really need them, and they'd make your life ever so much more liveable and easy for you.
You're functioning magnificently under the circumstances, congraluations.

How about the drug company that makes the med? Or any emergency fund you can access in your community or school? Take a look around.

Hang in there, take as much stress as you can off yourself (doesn't sound as if there is much you can do here, since you're so involved in your life and many responsibilities.)
I just hope you can somehow get the meds soon.

 
Old 10-04-2008, 11:34 AM   #5
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Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Posts: 9
lolanash HB User
Re: my feelings tonight

i think that is what is getting me down the most - all the responsibilities, and feeling like i just CAN'T take any time to heal myself. i feel really bad about it. i try not to sit around feeling sorry for myself, but i do just really wish i could focus on my health and not be so overwhelmed with taking care of everything else.

i just worked from 6:45 am to 3 pm, got home to a VERY dirty house..i am NOT impressed about that. i feel like i am not allowed to be sick because it inconveniences everyone else.

i don't want to have discussions about it because i know that the mood i'm in will cause me to just yell and scream and be irrational.

i did get my meds today. i had to use a credit card for them, but i figured it was better than just not having them at all. i will pay it back when i get paid next. i just still have this doubt that the meds will even work. i feel defeated, and like there is no help in sight, but i am trying to believe because i think that is part of healing, believing in myself.

 
Old 10-04-2008, 08:44 PM   #6
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seaturtle HB User
Re: my feelings tonight

Hey,

I'm glad you got your meds. Yes, you're overwhelmed, and naturally so. May I just posit that if you're working all those hours, your house might be cleaned for you? Hmmmm....
Are you in therapy? Seems as though the division of labour at your place just might need some adjusting.

Anyone without a mental illness would be exhausted and stressed out from what you're carrying. I think you need some relief and help, and yes, we do need time to attend to ourselves, as women and as people who have some special needs in order just to stay sane and functioning.

Can you get some help with some of those responsibilities? Any chance of cutting the work hours?

I'm shooting out into the blue here, but I wish for you that your life could slow down enough for you to concentrate on your recovery. But it's not all your illness, by any means.

All best to you,

Seaturtle

 
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