Once again here I am...sitting up alone while everyone else sleeps. Every night I watch the clock as the time ticks away, 1:00, 2:00, 3;00...at 3:00 is when I start to panic and think that I have to go to work tomorrow, I have to get up at 7:00...
<deleted: self-medicating is not an allowed subject>
..still don't sleep until 4:30 or 5:00. It's been like this for almost 2 weeks, and I'm so tired of it all. I don't know what to do or how to make it stop...I'm so exhausted in the morning....I drag through till early afternoon then come home and crash for a couple hours. I've been to my pdoc, he sent me to my gp, she put me on a med that hasn't worked and when I called her, she told me to go back to my pdoc....so hopefully tuesday I'll get some relief....but I doubt it...i wonder who i'll be shoved off to this time? I can't stand this life of depression and sleeplessness...meds that make you hyper, meds that make you sleep or not sleep....what's the point?
Sorry you are going through this med frustration. It's enough to drive us insane sometimes.
Work with you pdoc, be insistent, and don't give up. Finding the right meds (seems to change from time to time, too) is so time-consuming. And so many don't work, we go back, another doesn't...
Being passed along to your gp? Doesn't the pdoc feel he can handle this?
I hope you get relief when you see pdoc again.
I'm going through the same thing right now: the meds that were working are not any more, and I am having rages and then tears and great anxiety...so back I go, too.
Sigh, this is the illness.
Hang in there, kmit, let us know how it goes with pdoc. I know that in the group I'm in, everyone there has to deal with this issue.
I honestly don't know what I'd do without your support, youare truly the only friend I have on this board, and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so frustrated with docs. It's so easy for them to sit in their chairs or behind their desks and "control" our lives...but they've never been there for the most part. When I'm up at 3:00 or 4:00 I start thinking of my GP or my pdoc sleeping soundly at home, and I to get so very angry, it's all just so unfair, then you go to an appt. and trying to make them understand just wears you out. I'm sorry you are having to go through this "changing of the meds" battle to. It just makes no sense how meds that work fine for us one day, can just stop for no reason, with no explanation. And then or course it's, well try this one, and it that's not it, well try this one....like we're guinea pigs.
And why my pdoc is jerking me around on this all of a sudden is a mystery to me, he's always been very compassionate and tuned into my needs and illness...so I guess I'll have to buck up and just ask him what the deal is...but I hate confrontation, and always seem to bow down to authority figures...as he says, "getting into my passive phrase is a very dangerouse place to be".
Wouldn't it be nice to be normal...if not for just a while...
I hope things get better for you soon and you aren't caused to suffer to much before things get worked out. When the tears come, no that I'm right there with you.
Your words really brought me up. I am sooo glad I can connect with you. If you can, be upfront with you pdoc. He's not treating you respectfully and not helping.
So much of my ability to keep on going and have some hope comes from the encouragement and good attitude of my pdoc. We go around the meds, of course, but she's usually willing to let me suggest meds and try them.
I guess we just have to accept that this med battle will go on and on, and try not to panic. It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't often feel so awful.
Thank you for being there for me, too. Write me any time, and I['ll offer all I can in support. Thinking there is someone else out there I can write to is a great, great help.
Right now, my 7 cats are sprawled on my bed. They always bring me up and distract me, especially since I want to lie down and there's no space for me!
Hang in there, let me know how the Tuesday appointment goes. I am not comfortable, trying to take it a moment at a time, and will be thinking of you a lot.
How are you today, any better. I keep telling myself just one more day, I have to last just one more day. It's interesting that your a cat person, I am too. My cat loves to snuggle with me in bed, and of course take over the bed and pillows, etc. You mentioned in another posts that you take some meds for sleep, if you don't mind me asking, which ones are they? I've written all my thoughts of what I want to say to my Pdoc down in notes to take with me, so I make sure I cover it all.
I haven't slept for 2 nights, so I am blessedly tired tonight and wound down. I'll sleep tonight, I think.
For meds, I take: Lamictal, 275, Wellbutrin, 75, Xanax prn, and for sleep, Ativan 1-2 mgs. It seems to work ok for me, but I can't tolerate any "heavies".
I just came back from my bp group. It always helps me - I can speak frankly and get understanding, and my lord, so many of the people in the group are facing things far, far worse and difficult than I am. So I get some perspective on my own stuff, and how much others are struggling. Gives me humility and makes me wish I could just end the suffering from this illness.
Many epoke about the medication frustrations that go on and on. I can feel a real connection with these folks that I can't feel with "civilians".
I'm too tired now to be rageful or cranky, hope I can sleep for a bit soon. Will be thinking of you tomorrow - it's almost here!. and you're making it through. Will check with you tomorrow night to see how it went.
I'm behind you. We'll keep in touch, and thanks so much for your support.
Hello there Ladies, wish I could feel like that smiley face at least 50/50 each day......first off though, My name is Derek, I'm 40/male living in Northern Calif. with B.P. and hope it's ok to be intruding on your newly blossoming support/friendship. I have no group in my area....and have been diagnosed a year 1/2 ago. I've been on 300mg Lamictal...20mg valium for anxious moments as needed. So by luck tonight I have just found this site/thread as I was looking for any advice on side effects or problems with lowering my dose to eventually go off of it. I'm having some issues with having to take this for the rest of my life. And was wondering I if can bounce some stuff off the both of you and maybe even be of some help hopefully to either of you. My B.Polar mind is really hoping and doubting that you will think I'm full of it. I found your posts for a reason....I'm thinkin...so i'm taking a chance. Hope you both are well and relaxed. Thank you for your time. , D from Cali
Welcome to our little corner of the Board. I was dx'd BiPolar w/severe BP suicidal depression 19 yrs. ago when I was 20. I currently am on Lamictal 300mg, Topomax 100mg, Zoloft 100mg, Fish Oil 3000mg, Vitamin D 1000 mg, and Biotin 1000mg. And starting today after completely losing it at my pdoc's office klonipin 5mg so I can hopefully get some sleep tonight! I see my psychiatrist every other week and my psychologist once to twice a week. Like you I once could not imagine taking these meds for the rest of my life...but that was about 10 shrinks and tons of meds ago. Feel free to bounce stuff off of me...if I can help I will...if I'm too depressed to answer then I'll tell you.
So once again welcome to this crazy world we call BP!
Okay, well I went to the Pdoc...oh Lord, I totally lost it. I was soooo tired and stressed and angry and irritated....and as soon as he said, "So what do we want to talk about today...I was like well gee what the hell have we talked about for the last 3 freakin weeks." Did I say I was angry? So we argued for a bit...and he told me all the things I shouldn't take or do....and finally I left with a klonipin rx and some suggestions of things to think about before I see him next week. And of course the "you know this is addictive speech" it's like, have you not seen the list of pain meds I take for the CP?
I don't care what I have to do or think about....at least I'll get some sleep tonight. This stuff better work, I've never used it before.
How are you doing hon? Did you sleep last night at all? Did you have a better day today, I hope so. let me know how you're doing, so I don't worry about you all night.
Well Derek, just when I thought I was going to get another friend on the board, because for some reason I don't have many. You've up and dissapeared. I hope you are doing well and not getting too far into a manic phase. But come, bounce things off me...I love boucy things, balls of all shapes, sizes and colors! Seriously hope all is well with you.
I posted to you below, but I guess you didn't see it, and I didn't check this thread. Sorry not to get back to you earlier; I was waiting for you to answer the other post.
Angry? Well, I wonder why? For one thing, the "kingly 'we'" is so demeaning and such a trite professional phrase. For another - what is this addictive speech junk? Because of the Klonipin?
I use Xanax and have for about 10 years, never increasing the dosage. People in my bp group always seem to have Klonipin, either as a prn or daily doses. It can help a whole lot, and I hope it works for you. Is it helping?
Ever considered a new doc? I don't know the rest of the relationship with yours, maybe it's fine.
At least you're able to go out. HOw are you physically?
I am into a hypomanic phrase, which sure feels better than where I was, and most of the rageful, irritable feelings have died down. (For today, that is, lol). I'm sure they'll come to see me soon enough.
Let me know how you're doing, hun. I've been thinking of you. And I hope you got some sleep.
Here is the post that I sent you from the below one you started...
Ummm....well the klonipin worked a lil bit I slept on and off for about 45 minutes at at time, it was kind of wierd. But I did feel a little more rested this moring. My pdoc said I was in the middle of a manic state and that was part of the no sleep and agitation and anger, anxiety, etc. I don't have them very often, like maybe 3 or 4 a year. He doubled my zoloft 2 weeks ago and that did it...so the klonopin did calm me down some, I don't feel so out of control. I'm going back to see him Tuesday and we'll change to either Remeron or Elavil, he's letting me research them so I can choose. I read 94 patient reviews last night for remeron users and 1 in every 1.5 users gained significant amounts of weight meaning 10 lbs. or more in a matter of a month or so, although it did help with sleep. So that one is definitely out. I still have to drop the 15 lbs. I gained on Seroquel. So I'm going to try the Elavil, and then he'll drop the Zoloft. So hopefully that plan we'll work, and we'll probably add the Neurontin back in for sleep help at night. Gee isn't it fun chaning all these meds...it's like staging a take over of a third world country.
And on top of that my husband and I are seperating after 20 yrs of marriage...so it's just been a crappy week. I rented an apartment today and we had to tell our 10 yr old tonight and I thought that was going to kill me, it was awful. So he's going to stay home from school tomorrow and hang out with me and we're going to go see the apartment and let him check out his new room and stuff, and his big brother who is 18 is gonna come too, and then we'll go out for breakfast and go look at some furniture. Man life is hard!
So as you can see I got tons of stuff going on. I did email my pdoc yesterday to discuss some of what we talked about on Tuesday because I was very confused...he was very understanding and said not to worry about it, just to relax, take the Klonipin and we'd talk about it all on Tuesday.
I would never change pdocs, I love my pdoc and we usually get along great, seomtimes we hit bumps, but not often. He's gay, so I don't get any of the intimidation that I usually get from male docs. And a lot of my PTSD comes from childhood abuse and trauma.
With being on this hypomanic phase are you able to sleep? I hope so, I know not doing so jsut seems to make everything totally out of whack. I forget, do you work? Well I so hope that you continue to feel better. Write me tomorrow if you feel okay, and let me know how you're doing.
Off to the pdoc again...the Klonipin didn't really help with the sleeping but it did seem to make me calmer. I'm so tired all the time and just kind of blah. I've been packing alot, getting ready for the move and it's killing my knee, but there's no one else to do it. My son's 10 yr birthday will be this weekend so that will be fun I hope.
Your marriage, too - with a child? I can't imagine how wrenching this is for you. I was married for 12 years and then divorced, but I had no child (had to be aborted b/c of anorexia, still feel terrible about that). With a child, I don't know if I could have handled it.
I'm not telling you anything new when I say that separation/divorce alone is enough to throw many of us into depression, bigtime. How did you son take it? I am wondering why you have to be the one to move, since you have the little guy.
I so glad you have a good doc, someone to turn to. You have to carry both yourself and the child; it's amazing you are coping at all right now. And you are.
Sorry I didn't catch your other post - maybe it hadn't been posted to the board yet.
Sleep, well, I didn't sleep at all for 2 days, just came home tonight and fell asleep at 9, woke up at 12 midnight, so at least I got a little.
I used to so against meds. Now, wow, how much suffering I would have avoided if I'd taken them. The Klonipin, I am so glad you have that and are using it. I hope, too, that you find the right med for you. So many have that weight gain side effect.
Thinking of you, sending a HUGE hug your way, am here for you,
Actually it's so wierd but my son is taking it very well, my husband is an alcoholic, so the chaos and arguing around here has been tough on him and he's as ready for a calm atmosphere as I am. My husband has also gotten physically abusive as well as verbally abusive so I'm more than ready to leave. My choice was to move out, I don't want to be here
and have to deal with taking care of
the house and farm animals and such...I'd rather just be in a nice apartment where they take care of the grounds for you, and the apartment is 1200 sq. feet, so it will be plenty big enough for the two of us.
My therapist and I discussed today watching out very closely for the depression warning signs so I can be on top of it at the slightest start. I'm also very attuned to the self-harm, so that I can also be on top of that. I'm very aware that my mental health has to be under control as much as possible so that I can take care of my son to the best of my ability. I'm also very aware that these kinds of changes can cause all kinds of instability with the BP, so I'm watching it.
Thanks for your concern, and I'm glad that you finally got some sleep. I'll keep in touch and let you know how things are going.