I really don't know what I want, death scares me but life scares me more. I have been bipolar for years (recently rapid cycler) and the episodes seem to be occurring more frequently as I get older. I am on 600mg quetiapine and 100mg lamactil (I have only been on lamactil for 4months but I see no positive with this drug, just makes me dream a lot) I feel so devoid of any emotion and dont seem to be able to interact with the world or anyone in it, I hate my job and I feel so sad and alone during working hours, I don't trust any of my colleagues and feel that they all hate me.
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I just want to walk away from my life, not to another life but just to keep walking and walking. I have begged my psych doc to prescribe me citalopram(it makes me manic but I like being in that state........just to feel confident, brash and full of life with no regard for consequences forever.......not just for a day or a week but constantly... don't want the depression that follows as this is when I cringe and become embarrased about what I have done and realize that I have ruined friendships and behaved like a total arse.
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I am so so tired and everything is just too much effort, I have noone to talk to (not that I would even if I was given the oppotunity.....find talking face to face very hard unless manic) Sorry for rambling but I just needed to write something down ........ to try and get rid of some revolving crap that fills my mind.
Thanks for replying Kate,
It's good to know that my feelings are not peculiar to me, although I find being devoid of any emotion quite a strange and uncomfortable place. How long have you been diagnosed BP and what meds are working for you? It's good to see that you are from the UK as I find that the psychiatry system is quite different here than in the US.....wish I could change my psychiatrist with a click of the fingers, but where I am there is only one designated doctor based on the area in which you live (crap really) At the moment I spend way too much time ruminating on choices I have made in my life and the what ifs............biggest one being what if I didn't have BP? I hate having people who care for me, I feel that makes my efforts to restrain the symptoms of BP enormous (if it were just me and I didn't matter to anyone then I wouldn't care about my verbal or physical actions) I have an appt with psychiatrist next week, but she is useless (well if you just want to pop pills and end up an overweight zombie then she is great !!!) I don't understand the depression.....I never have..I have had a good life with no abuse in any way, good parents and friends .........but they have all gone now and I know I am partly to blame. I have a good partner and sister and it seems I set on destroying these relationships too, but its not intentional. I just pray for my manic moments and I do know they will come but just not soon enough. I don't think my sleep is helping my mood.........even with the 400mg of quetiapine at bedtime my eyes are still on stalks for hours and then when I do sleep it feels like I am in a constant dream state.....GP says its the lamotrigine, don't care what it is but I never wake up feeling refreshed. I am bullied at work my 2 colleagues.....they have always been arses but since they found out last year that I had been sectioned they play mind games, staring laughing pushing objects into me and leaving notes on my work station with mean notes referring to my mental state.....they make me feel even more miserable. Life just feels so hard worthless and I don't belong.
Thanks for listening Kate, please tell me more about your experience with BP even if its just to let me feel that hope is not futile.
If they dont stop, speak to your manager and if they dont do anything report the manager and the arses's.
I was diagnosed in august after being on anti-depressent's for 9 years since my nan died which is apprently what set it off, my life was the same, never abused, loving mom and sister (dad not in the picture, but who needs him), was bullied at school but that was because I was the smallest and would never stand up for myself.
With regards to your meds, I'm not sure what to say, I'm on Prozac 40mg a day and Depacote 500mg twice a day and I dont sleep very well, it's 1.30am here and I am wide awake but but 3pm I am like a zombie so I have a nap during the day (have been off sick since april), so for the time being it's ok for me.
You say you have a good relationship with your partner and sister, do they understand the illness, what it means? The reason I ask is because you say you have to restrain your actions, in what what? The thing is, everyone needs to 'vent' every now and then,
because it will just make you feel worse, having to pretend that your not as bad as you feel....
I know you feel as though you dont belong and that you will always feel like this, but trust me it does get better, I should know, had my first manic episode since apil YIPPPEEEE.
No matter what hang in there, it will get better trust me.