It is 10/25 and I have been off my medication since 7/13 (Before that meds had been reduced to only Lamictal 200 mg- had only been taking them for about 4 months) I went on vacation with my family and wanted to see what would happen if I went off my meds. During the vacation I was mean and constantly yelling or crying and going out every night drinking and being up then getting up at 8am to go on tours and fine to go out again the next night. Thought these were manic behaviors but chalked them up to being on vacation and decided to see how staying off my meds out of the stress of traveling would be....
I have not until today really noticed any problems and have so far assumed I am possibly still bipolar but not very much, to a manageable extent without medication.
Today I got in a gigantic fight with my boyfriend, screamed at him and got in his face, he threw his phone, i hit him and screamed at him more and it just continuted to escalate.....
after the fight we tried to talk and he simply said he is fed up with how controlling I am (I correct everything he does and make him do everything my way even when its things that have nothing to do with me....)
I am confused, and a little scared. I know denial is a huge problem with bipolar but honestly I have not really had any problems....I am doing great in school, I am keeping friendships with friends that I have lost before due to depression/mania, and my boyfriend and I had stopped fighting for months....What do I do? I dont want to take my meds unless I HAVE TO, i havent been to my pdoc since the beginning of my vacation but I dont like him anyways he doesnt help he just asks how the meds are going and gives me a new Rx..... Any advice would be really appreciated
It sounds to me as if you may be experiencing mania (given your anger and irritibility).
If I were you, I would find another pdoc who you're more comfortable with. In your opinion, do you feel that your meds are working effectively for you? If not, it might be a good idea to find another pdoc who could prescribe different meds.
I know exactly how you feel about denying you have bipolar. My meds do a pretty good job of keeping me stable yet there have been times where I've contemplated no longer taking them. At the same time, I realize that if I were to do this, it opens up the possibility for experiencing a severe manic episode (in my case, auditory hallucinations, anger/irritibility/aggression and reckless behavior). Because of that, I've always taken my meds and have remained pretty stable as a result.
I think you've got yourself convinced that you're doing okay...but the reality is not so much so. You say that all is good, but yet you also say you spent a vacation railing at your family screaming in anger, staying up all night drinking, etc. You also say things are fine with your boyfriend, but yet you admit that you total control him and everything he does, and that's resulted in him basically saying he's done??? You've also admitted that you're being physically violent toward people.
I really think you need to step back and look at the whole picture here. BiPolar is kind of like being pregnant, you are or you aren't, you can't be a little bit. The harsh truth is that as we get also, it also tends to get worse especially in women. If you don't like your current psychiatrist, then be proactive and find a new one. If you were able to control yourself, and keep your bipolar and your behaviour's in check back when you were taking your meds, then it's probably a good idea to get back on them. Because it honestly sounds like the course you're taking now is not a good one.