just have so many questions... - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

blugreen · 11-22-2008, 07:00 AM

Sorry I am posting so much, it's just that I am newly diagnosed and have so many questions. I am questioning whether I am bipolar or not. I have known for a long time that there was something not right with me, my way of thinking, mood swings for years, but not terrible. I always attributed it to PMS, or life situations, etc. Then, all of a sudden I had lost a bunch of weight (on purpose) and just started acting different. Dressing more provocative, being very social, drinking more. All of this was with my husband, so there wasn't really a problem. But, then I started having an affair with a good friend of ours. this went on for 2 years. During all of that, I didn't have any idea why I was doing it, I was happily married and wanted to be with my husband for the rest of my life. I felt bad, but not bad enough to stop it. I did things that most people who have affairs wouldn't do with this man. Just basically gave myself to him for whatever he wanted and I never wanted to leave my husband. I just thought if I got caught I could lie my way out of it and stay married. I just did not feel like myself, it was like two different people.

Well my husband found out about a year and a half ago and that put me into a tailspin. was depressed for a months and suicidal, then flying into rages, threatening my husand if he left and saying horrible things that I didn't even know I had in me. I tried several different antidepressants, then ended up on wellbutrin. I guess this helped, but not enough for me. So, now my husband wants to split up after the holidays because he just can't get past all the things I did with someone else while I was married. and I finally got in to see someone this past week and was diagnosed bipolar. The only thing is, is that I don't have the "manic" episodes so many of you talk about. I have days where I feel normal, nothing bothers me, want to get out of the house, talk to people, etc., but not excessive to where people would wonder about me. Then, the next day I am down, don't want to get out, flying into rages at the drop of a hat. And I go back and forth like this every couple days, to a week of depression, then a day of feeling good, then back down. So, is this maybe a mild form of bipolar? I was put on Lamictal and I am hoping to feel better soon, just feel somewhat normal.

How can it be bipolar if most of my symptoms came out after the affair came out and my marriage was in trouble? And, I wasn't really depressed during the whole affair other than bad PMS, all the major depression was when my husband found out and all of the problems that went along with that, shame, guilt, etc. I was asked a million questions at my appointment this week and she came up with me being bipolar. I really hope that is what it is, not that I'm glad I have it, but that I have hope to maybe control these mood swings and be able to handle if we do split up. I have an extreme fear of being alone, having to be a single parent, not being a part of my in-laws family, etc. I guess that is all due to anxiety. So, I would be happy to hear anyone's opinion about my situation. Do you think I just have situational depression, or I have bipolar and it just started coming out with all of my situations in the last year or so, does it have anything to do with my affair? I am desperate for answers. My husband thinks that this could not have caused my affair, that I just wanted to do it, that there was nothing wrong with me before and now I am just depressed about our situation. However, in the next breath he will tell me I'm crazy and need help, which is what I'm doing, but now I just seem to be making excuses and justifying the affair because I supposedly am bipolar. I just know there is something not right and all the antidepressants end up making it worse after time.

I really need some answers, and opinions. I welcome all feedback!!!

CarenR · 11-24-2008, 06:50 AM

WElcome to the board,,,,, you will like it here........

hugs. Caren

Lisacheckm8 · 11-24-2008, 10:47 AM

I am in no position to answer whether your affair was a result of bipolar or if the possible recent diagnosis of bipolar is being used as an excuse to the affair...........i am not sure if anyone would be able to answer this.... sorry. I know sexually I have been very premiscious even to the extent of travelling to the usa to partake in a very bizzarre sexual predicament.....makes me cringe to think about it. I have no morales with regards to relationships and when manic can rationalise all my actions but when depressed I do punish myself for what I interpret as unnacceptable behaviours. I recently went into my loft to retrieve stuff from my teenage yrs and school reports etc are very erratic and do act as a pointer towards a mood disorder. Bipolar or not if you make choices that jeopardise your life and marriage then you have to deal with the consequences, you may be bipolar and this may have influenced past decisions but it would be unfair to expect your supposedley life partner to accept and forgive.... unfaithfulness is a big issue regardless of the reasons and maybe you really need to hold your hands up, verbalise the reasons why it occurred but ultimately you really need to allow your spouse to decide the next step. I dont want to sound negative but hopefully you will see that what I am trying to say is that regardless of diagnosis you have really hurt your partner and instead of trying to excuse your behaviour just give him the space to decide whether being bipolar is a good enough reason to hurt them? I reallly do hope that if you want your marriage to continue then your partner can find his way to forgive, but if not allow him the choice of moving forward with his life and your with yours.

blugreen · 11-25-2008, 08:14 AM

I by no means am trying to excuse my behavior because of the BP. I just think that it attributed to it somewhat, not excuses or justifies it. I will live the rest of my life trying to forgive myself for doing this to who I thought was my soulmate and life partner, as well as my children. I know that if he chooses to move on, I will just have to let him. I am just hoping that with the new medication, that it makes it easier for me to do that. Our situation is so confusing though. we plan on splitting after christmas, but we get along, we do everything together, still share a bed and all that entails, etc. He wishes he could make things work, but he just can't get the thoughts out of his head about eveyrthing I did to him. He thinks maybe if we split that he will end up down the road wanting to work things out. I actually think that will happen too because he is so family oriented, I think it's going to kill him being alone and without the kids and me as well. He still wants to do things together after we split and he is helping me with everything, etc. It is not like he wants to be rid of me and just move on and forget me. It's very confusing. I like to think there's still a chance because of all these reasons. I wish we could just separate for the time being and then see what we want. We can't afford to do that though, to pay this house note and bills, and then another set of bills and rent for him to move. we are about to put up our brand new house for sale so we can split and I hope that's the right decision.

Okay, I know all of this is off topic, more about relationship stuff than the BP. Just kind of got to rambling.

Lisacheckm8 · 11-25-2008, 11:06 AM

Hi Blu,
Don't misinterpret by previous post, I am in no way judging your affair nor the reasons behind it.....honestly I am not. I was simply trying to get across (maybe in an ambigious way) that what is done is done....from what you say you made a big mistake and you are honest in that there were no logical grounds for the affair i.e you love your partner and there was nothing missing from your relationship to make you crave things beyond your marriage, yes?

I was just trying to highlight that many many people with bipolar, including myself have done things relating to sex that we are ashamed of, regret or don't fully understand the reasoning behind it and we all know that life is very unforgiving for such mistakes including ourselves (at least when we are not manic) I know your partner will be hurt from your actions and to some extent the initial response will be to preserve their vunerability to further hurt. I hope that if you are seperating for a while then the best you can hope for is that medication does help you and your partner will see a positve change in your thoughts and behaviour and will be willing to give things another go. Bipolar sucks big time and I have many regrets with regards to hurting those I love dearly when in a manic phase, some people have accepted it was the bipolar and stuck around but in the same breath there are many that ran a mile. Just use your energy to get better and try not to enter the realms of fantasy and happy endings, I have wasted many years looking for the happy ending that was never to be........one day at a time yeah. If you and your partner were soulmates then there is a chance that you will get to right the wrongs. Thinking of you

Lisa